When you don't get a gift in return

[leadfootlevi]

Last year we deposited $50 into each of 3 stock accounts for our niece and 2 nephews ($150 total). We didn't get a gift from them for our DS. Whatever, we thought maybe they just forgot.

This year the same thing. We got them giftcards to "buy a stock" from ING. The older boys enjoy this as they get to see their money grow (or not) - at least that's what we've been told. The young girl doesn't care, I'm sure, but someday hopefully she'll enjoy her gift. These children have everything. Their parents are well-off. That is why we choose to give them the gift of stock rather than just another toy.

I know this is probably mean, but they don't even acknowledge they got the gift, so I'm thinking, unless DS gets a gift from them or we get a thank-you card, next year they're off my gift-giving list. Maybe DS can pick them out a book or something, but the budget will be $50 for all three instead of $50 each.

What does it take for someone to not make your list?

 

[budbeerlady]

Not receiving a thank you is enough to get off my list. Its old fashioned but I have Dd either hand write a Thank You note or call to say thanks for the gift!

Dd has not received a card or gift for her birthday from her aunt and uncle the last few years. We still always send the kids (nephews) a birthday card but the gifts have ended when we didn't receive a Thank you the last time I sent gifts.

 

[mrsklamc]

Thank you notes should definitely be sent, but I give gifts because I enjoy it, and don't expect things in return. Not receiving a gift in return, or a thank you note, would not affect my decision.

 

[gator75]

We are still trying to figure it out. my nephews never even acknowldge that they receive it so this year to teach them a lesson they are getting nothing. cruel? yes some would say , but maybe it will teach them them maybe not.

Another reason its so easy to do this year in paticular is because my parents took all of their kids and grand kids to disney, and there wasn't not one thank you. that set our blood boiling , so maybe this year they will see the error of their ways

 

[AmongMadPeople]

You know your family dynamic better than any of us, but I wouldn't stop giving to my nieces for reasons like that. It is not their responsibility to buy a gift for your son, it's your siblings'. (As a side bar, I don't know how old they are, but when I started babysitting I did buy gifts for all of my family out of my own initiative.)

However, if I were you I wouldn't feel bad if I decreased the amount I spent on each child.

ETA-The fact that you know the older boys enjoyed past gifts means your gift was at least acknowledged. That is better than a lot of people get.

 

[leadfootlevi]

You know your family dynamic better than any of us, but I wouldn't stop giving to my nieces for reasons like that. It is not their responsibility to buy a gift for your son, it's your siblings'. (As a side bar, I don't know how old they are, but when I started babysitting I did buy gifts for all of my family out of my own initiative.)

However, if I were you I wouldn't feel bad if I decreased the amount I spent on each child.

Good point.

 

[dfchelbay]

How hard is it to pick up the phone and call someone and say thank you, send an e card of thanks. I can't stand this type of behavior. DH and I completely stopped giving any gifts to his sister and her kids about two years ago. They have never given us, or our kids anything, but worse than that, they don't even acknowledge getting the gifts we have sent to them. It's just ignorant, entitlement type of behavior, and for that, you get NOTHING in the future from us.

 

[momxx5]

While I agree a thank you or acknowledgement is something that you would greatly appreciate, sometimes it is not the child's fault. The parents should bear some responsibility.
If this bothers you so much then I would contact the parents or even the children with the idea of "wondering if they recieve the gift, care if they get it", etc.

A different side to this matter.....
A gift is a gift.
A gift is something that should be in the spirit of giving.
A gift should not be given if you expect something in return, whether it be a gift back, thank you or a pat on the back.

Only you can decide whether you want to continue to give these gifts.
It sounds like you have already made up your mind, which you have full right to. Which I think you will feel better once you have stopped this gift giving, because it doesn't sound like you are having the good feelings giving have.

I am a good giver and not a gracious reciever. I would much rather be able to give and I get nervous, almost anxious when recieving gifts. Its just the way I grew up. We did not get a lot and I always felt uncomfortable accepting gifts....but hey that's a therapist story for another day.


I am sorry that your family has let you down. It is extremely thoughtful for you to give the generous gifts you have done in the past, but sometimes its better for all to move on.

 

[shortbun]

My love is unconditional and so are my gifts. Sorry but I think the whole subject is petty. Just my take on it.

 

[lyncecelia]

I don't expect anything in return when I give gifts. It's the spirit of giving that I do it because I love to see people happy, I don't expect anything in return.

It goes the same way when I buy soup and coffee for someone homeless on the street--I do it because I like to give, not that I expect something in return. Though that smile on their face makes me feel great, I do know that I did a good thing regardless.

 

[Ericandjenng]

While in theory I agree with a gift is a gift, BUT we are also talking about kids. Kids don't always understand why they bought someone a gift but that person didn't return the favor. It's so easy to try and put adult logic onto to kids who don't/can't reason like that...yet.

Several of our family friends are always telling us not to buy them anything. I have to remind them that we can only teach our kids that giving is important if they are allowed to give presents to others and not just get them.

We use kind of a different gauge for who we give gifts to. We see and spend time with my family but the in-laws barely acknowledge our existence. My DH's mother has never seen the baby who is almost a year old (very long story) and no she doesn't live that far away. We've tried in the past to include them, buy for all of them too but after so long it's hard to keep making an effort. I completely understand when it's all one-sided.

Best of luck to the OP--it's never an easy decision.

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU ALL!

 

[Rantybaby]

Once a child is of age (usually 8) to know on their own to acknowlege a gift, I give them 1 more gift. Then if they do not, they no longer receive anything from me. Same with adults. You can text me, but with in a day give a verbal acknowlegement. It is just common courtesy.

I have 3 nephews in WI, the 2 youngest were babies when the moved in 1992 from Los Angeles. I didn't see them until 1995 @ my mom's funeral. I would always call just to say hey or I'm thinking of you. Send gifts-acknowlege birthdays & other happening. I finally made a trip to WI Christmas 2000. My next trips was in 2005 & 2007. No inuitive on their part to contact me, after 18. I don't call them anymore. But I blame this on my brother, my mother did not raise him like this.

 

[DawnM]

Sounds like not a lot of communication when it comes to exchanging gifts.

This is my DH's family. They gave for several years and then just stopped (only to us!) out of the blue. Noone told me we were stopping, so I continued to send gifts for 2 or 3 years after that.

This year, we are not sending gifts. It isn't out of spite, but it just seems that they don't want to, so we will stop too.

Dawn

 

[Marionnette]

Last year we deposited $50 into each of 3 stock accounts for our niece and 2 nephews ($150 total). We didn't get a gift from them for our DS. Whatever, we thought maybe they just forgot.

This year the same thing. We got them giftcards to "buy a stock" from ING. The older boys enjoy this as they get to see their money grow (or not) - at least that's what we've been told. The young girl doesn't care, I'm sure, but someday hopefully she'll enjoy her gift. These children have everything. Their parents are well-off. That is why we choose to give them the gift of stock rather than just another toy.

I know this is probably mean, but they don't even acknowledge they got the gift, so I'm thinking, unless DS gets a gift from them or we get a thank-you card, next year they're off my gift-giving list. Maybe DS can pick them out a book or something, but the budget will be $50 for all three instead of $50 each.

What does it take for someone to not make your list?

I agree with alot of the other posters. When I give a gift it is because I want the receiver to have that item. Its not because I expect something in return. And I dont expect dollar for dollar back when I receive a gift. Thats just small and petty. But it does hurt my feelings when the receiver is not gracious enough to show a little gratitude. Even if its false gratitude for a gift that just missed the mark and didnt please them. I have nieces who are like that. I still send them gifts on there birthdays and Christmas. It just bothered me that they never so much as acknowledge them.

 

[maddiesmom0116]

Last year we deposited $50 into each of 3 stock accounts for our niece and 2 nephews ($150 total). We didn't get a gift from them for our DS. Whatever, we thought maybe they just forgot.


What does it take for someone to not make your list?

My nephew was bumped off my list this year, he is 14. He never says thank you and at times before DD was born he got about $200 worth of stuff each Christmas and $100 for his birthday. After DD was born they all knew my priorities would change,we sat down and talked to both him and his sister. Every year since I just give them $100 each, every year he says after opening it, is this all. No thank you, no apprication of any kind.
He was really rude to me a few weeks ago on the phone and my sister will not have him apologize and said to me "what do you want me to do about, ok, I am sorry, is that good, is that what you want.

That is what it takes to be bounced from my gift list.

also... My sister who's husband's income is about 4x mine income gets my DD a $30 toy. Yet, my daughter never says... is this all.

ok... vent over.
OP- I am sorry, you are trying to be nice and it sucks when others take advantage of you for it.

 

[GJM]

Last week was my DS Birthday - no call from my SIL or MIL - no card nothing! I always make sure I send a gift and call to wish my nephews a Happy Birthday. I also don't get a Thank you from their kids when I send a gift. I always make sure DS calls and thank anyone for a gift.

DH says to me "what can I do about it" - I told him it is his responsibility to get his side of the family gifts!

 

[patsal]

I think when it is obvious that there isn't an attitude of gratitude I call it quits. This may be the last year I buy for my nephews. I just feel like it is gimme, cry (literally throw self on floor--not appropriate for a 9 yo) that you didn't want a coat you wanted a toy--hey your mom said get you a coat--it wasn't a cheap coat it was Northface--I figure I'm out.
I do not buy to get in return, but I expect people to show gratefulness when they receive a gift and grace even when the gift isn't what they wanted.

 

[descovy]

I'll go with Dawn about the mis-communication... it happens in my family.

Adults don't exchange gifts in my family. Not only that, but I live 2000 miles away from them, and am the only one with children.

So for years, we'd send cards, and since I have kids, they'd make little Christmas crafts and school pictures to send up.

My brother, while single, no problem. Then he married a gal who buys gifts for EVERYBODY (now including my kids)

So suddenly, "he" is sending gifts for my 3 kids. And I feel guilty for not sending anything of value to them. So I send them $75 in restaurant gift cards. (to reciprocate for them sending gifts... they have no kids)

Next (I imagine in their point of view) *suddenly* we exchange adult gifts afterall. So that next year they send... gifts for kids AND gift cards for dh and me.

Now this whole thing is just getting crazy expensive for me. I can't keep up reciprocating "gifts for 5" with gifts "for two" from them. And what the heck happened to just sending Christmas greetings anyway? Why'd he have to marry a generous gift-giver?

While it's all silly now... really it is going to get to the point that one year, we'll probably won't send a gift, (because honestly, anymore "gift-exchanging" between us isn't much more than trading of chain-restaurant gifts cards back and forth) We live too far away and are not close enough to give anything real meaningful.

It's a catch 22. I give gifts without the expectation of recieving gifts back. BUT if I'm given a gift, I feel the expectation to return the favor, whether or not I can do it in a "meaningful" sort of way. And that can only go on for so long...

 

[ExPirateShopGirl]

The adults only buy gifts for one another if we are spending Christmas Day together. We buy gifts for eachothers' kids. My kids get gift cards from my brother and his wife, which they love. I typically find things when we are traveling throughout the year to gift to my 2 nephews during the holidays, usually t-shirts or jerseys. I doubt the amounts we spend on eachothers' kids are ever equal, but it's never an issue. For the record, I don't usually receive thank yous from my nephews for the gifts until I actually see them. I still love them to death...

 

[a1tinkfans]

"gift" someone for the joy of it.
"gift " someone without the expectation of receiving one in return and you will never be disappointed
I no longer "gift" to those I dont want too, end of story

If you are annoyed because the gift is not acknowledged, remove them from your list, simple enough.
Kids are often rude because they were not taught it. So, with a parent not acknowledging a gift, consider calling and saying, Hi, XYZ, just wanted to make sure Jonny and Suzie got the gifts I sent, because I didn't hear from them (let Her sweat it out ) and perhaps she too will learn that it is the polite thing to do... call to acknowledge, better yet, drop a thank you note...
I just want to do a shout it out thanks to my SIL who I know is out there...she is the type of person that extends a gift to my child (only child) $$$$ that is about what I spend on her 4 children. Does she need to, no! Should she, personally I think it is silly, but she insists that it is "fair" and makes her feel good.....it is always acknowledged and appreciated despite that she certainly does not need to do this...everyone should have such a thoughtful, sensitive SIL as I have!