When you die.......

[Malibustyle23]

Do you have to have an actual will from a lawyer or you can you have a notarized statement saying who you want your children to go to? I don't know who I want them to go to should my DH and I both die I just know who I don't want them to go to. Is it possible the people I don't want them to go with fight our decision would a notarized statement be enough? What if the person I choose decide they are not up for the job? Do you put a backup person on your plans? How much does a will roughly cost?

 

[happygirl]

Do you have to have an actual will from a lawyer or you can you have a notarized statement saying who you want your children to go to? I don't know who I want them to go to should my DH and I both die I just know who I don't want them to go to. Is it possible the people I don't want them to go with fight our decision would a notarized statement be enough? What if the person I choose decide they are not up for the job? Do you put a backup person on your plans? How much does a will roughly cost?

Before you get anything done you need to find out if the person you want to take your kids will do that. I have never heard anyone doing a backup person. We don't have a will just a notarized statement.

 

[klj27]

Ours is in our will but our lawyer did recommend a backup for custody of our children. You never know what may happen to the couple you originally choose, divorce, death, serious illness, etc.

 

[Luv'sTink]

My husband and I are the back up for our great niece. Her parents want the mothers unmarried, not in a relationship, no children, older brother to have her first; seems odd to me but I am sure they know best. I watched her daily from the time she was 2 months until she turned 4, we would take her in a heart beat. They do not want either set of grandparents to have her, they are afraid she would be spoiled beyond belief.

 

[LuvOrlando]

I had a will drawn up by a family oriented lawyer for this reason. I have always been horrified by the idea of a blood relative of mine coming for my kids in the event of my death. my lawyer told me that when it comes to children the court is not obligated to follow parental wishes but since prohibitions are extremely rare he felt me going so far as to have it in my will and telling friends was as close to a guarantee as I could get. My will clearly states that due to a family history of mental illness and abuse issues NO biological relative of mine should ever be given acces to my children in any form whatsoever, not as primary caregivers and not even for vacations or visitations. I pray that if anything ever happens the judge will take my fears seriously. I have made sure to voice my wishes to many friends who could be witnesses for my in-laws if the will came under fire. I hope I've done enough, I hope even more it will never happen.

If you have cause for concern go through the trouble of making things as tight as you can, i sleep better because of how we did things soto me it's worth it.
sorry you have to do this too, it really is awful

 

[DMRick]

It's been a lot of years since I had to worry about that, but when I did, I was told we couldn't 'will' our children. We could make our wishes known, but there could still be a court fight over them. Things may have changed, or it might just have been NYS, but it was sad to find out we couldn't decide what would happen with our kids. I was told a notorized note telling who I wished to have them would go a long way in a courtroom. It was also suggested, if we had a trusted person to leave them too, that our insurance should go to them, and not our kids. Not too many people fight over poor kids. So, that's what we did. Our kids have their own kids now, so it's moot, and the insurance is back going to them.

 

[StitchFanZ]

We listed our first choice along with multiple back-ups. Our lawyer also told us to specify the type of home and values that we wanted our children around as a judge will take those preferences into account. We also locked up any assets and monies till our kids were pretty old and provided a basic allowance for thier care and education. It is something to consider if you have relatives who might try to get custody just to get a hold of any assets

 

[Malibustyle23]

We listed our first choice along with multiple back-ups. Our lawyer also told us to specify the type of home and values that we wanted our children around as a judge will take those preferences into account. We also locked up any assets and monies till our kids were pretty old and provided a basic allowance for thier care and education. It is something to consider if you have relatives who might try to get custody just to get a hold of any assets

I don't think we have anybody that would want our kids for the wrong reasons especially since our kids will be poor when we go. I just have very few choices as it is of who they could go to and out of that number the majority of that number wouldn't be fit to raise children (again/ever). Without going into detail here in case this ever gets seen by the wrong person there are just close family members that shouldn't have/had custody of their own children let alone mine.

 

[fall08CP]

My parents had this done many years ago, when I was just born. They pulled out their will the other day and realized the person they listed to take care of us, who was also the power of attorney, had passed away several years ago and there was no back-up! In addition, they had an "suprise child" a few years later and he wasn't put into the will. They recently updated it

 

[Disneylover79]

YES!!

My parents had put in their will a long long time ago that should they both would die (thankfully the didn't) my brother and I would go to my aunt and uncle...they were OK with it...if you don't then they would go to your next of kin, being grandparents i.e.

 

[threecrazykids]

It's strange this came up because I was just talking about this the other day.

I need to get something in place because under no circumstances do my DH and I want our children to go to his parents. But because of any money that could be coming their way, it wouldn't surprise me one bit if they tried to get custody of them.

I have already made my wishes clear to everyone in my family (as we don't speak to DH's) but I still fear that they would fight it. I have also printed out a form online and filled it out as to our wishes but have yet to have it notarized. I know my mother and family would claw my MIL/FIL's eyes out before she gave my kids to them, but legally it could be out of their hands.

My step mom (who I love dearly but is the most anxiety ridden, negative thinking person I know) SWEARS that if I don't have a will drawn up that no matter what my wishes are (and even if I have something notarized) that they will become "children of the state" and will be sent into foster care.

I don't know if she thinks I'm stupid or what...but let's be honest, even if they didn't go to whom I'd prefer, I find it hard to believe they wouldn't be placed within our family before sending them off into foster care.

Either way, I do need to get something legally drawn up.

 

[kaytieeldr]

My parents' will had my oldest brother named as my youngest brother's guardian, so that, at least, is legal here (MA).

We all went out recently, and were looking at the will. On realizing it had never been changed - our parents have been gone for a while - the guardian started bossing around his charge. We're all middle-aged. Didn't matter

 

[Evil Genius]

However you end up doing this, please make sure that the people you choose actually want to take your children should anything ever happen. Late dh's best friend named us as his children's caretakers in the event of his and his wife's death. We didn't want to do it, but by the time we were told, he had all ready spent the money of getting wills made up.

 

[bdcp]

We have a trust and there's a will within the trust. We had named our oldest son for our younger one in that (he was already a teenager so old enough to have some input), but they're both in their 20's now. When they were young, we named my parents in our will and we let everyone know. My in-laws weren't happy, but they're older and have health problems. My parents were in their 40's when my boys were born so they were both young enough and in good health. They're now in their 70's and in excellent health so we made a good choice.

My two sisters named each other in their wills because their kids are of similar ages a (teenagers now) and they have similar parenting styles.

 

[golfgal]

Each state is going to be different but I wouldn't trust a notarized letter. A will also helps determine who gets your "stuff", how you want your estate distributed, etc. We also have a simple trust set up with our will so funds go into THAT and are distributed per our wishes. Our kids won't see the bulk of our estate until they are 35. Without setting guidelines in your will your kids will get everything at age 18 or 21 depending on your state. I am just sure our kids won't go buy that flashy car at age 18 if they all of the sudden came in to several million dollars --right.

Spend the few hundred dollars and get it done correctly.

Oh, and you will also have to make sure you set things up properly so your estate doesn't get heavily taxed unnecessarily too. Estate tax is back to 1,000,000--which sounds like a big number but figure the equity of your home a a couple retirement plans and there is a million dollars.

 

[laurie31]

Find out the laws in your state. When I was pregnant with DD#1, we went ot have a will done for this very reason. We wanted to make sure both sides of our family would continue to see the children for birthdays and holidays, plus we wanted the person WE wanted to raise them should the unthinkable happen.

We found out that here, we also needed to name EACH OTHER as guardians! Our lawyer told us of a woman whose DH died and she had to go to court to get custody of HER OWN CHILDREN, even though she and her DH were happily married (I might could understand if there was a divorce, you don't know if it was for abuse or what). Anyway, he said it was just a technicality for her to get custody, no one challenged her, but she had to appear before the court every three months to jusitfy how she was spending the DH's inheritance on the children. If they had a will, she wouldn't have to account to anyone.

We were horrified at the thought of having to go through all that legal mess when you were grieving the loss of your spouse.

He told us that someone could challenge the will, but it would weigh heavily with the judge that we took the time and money to put our wishes into a will, and it was very likely the will would be followed.

We went to someone who specializes in that sort of thing and he also helped us set up a trust for the kids to get some money at 18, and more at 25, so they wouldn't be able to blow it all without paying for college. We aren't wealthy now, but DH and I both have decent life insurance policies, plus our 401K's would become part of the estate if we die before retirement. As a pp said, it can really add up! Make sure it goes to your kids (or whoever YOU want) and not the government!

 

[dngnb8]

Do you have to have an actual will from a lawyer or you can you have a notarized statement saying who you want your children to go to? I don't know who I want them to go to should my DH and I both die I just know who I don't want them to go to. Is it possible the people I don't want them to go with fight our decision would a notarized statement be enough? What if the person I choose decide they are not up for the job? Do you put a backup person on your plans? How much does a will roughly cost?

Everyone has a Will. If you dont designate, you die Intestate, which means the standardized Will takes effect.

A notarized statement is admissible, but not binding.

I have a meeting now, but I will be posting more on this topic later.

 

[Disnydad]

We had custody spelled out in our will in those days. Not many notaries will touch a will.

 

[bdcp]

Find out the laws in your state. When I was pregnant with DD#1, we went ot have a will done for this very reason. We wanted to make sure both sides of our family would continue to see the children for birthdays and holidays, plus we wanted the person WE wanted to raise them should the unthinkable happen.

We found out that here, we also needed to name EACH OTHER as guardians! Our lawyer told us of a woman whose DH died and she had to go to court to get custody of HER OWN CHILDREN, even though she and her DH were happily married (I might could understand if there was a divorce, you don't know if it was for abuse or what). Anyway, he said it was just a technicality for her to get custody, no one challenged her, but she had to appear before the court every three months to jusitfy how she was spending the DH's inheritance on the children. If they had a will, she wouldn't have to account to anyone.

Sorry, but that is truly weird. I have never, ever heard of that in my life. Parents don't have to be named as guardians of their own children (because they already are), nor is it the courts business how the family money is spent. Surviving parents are automatically the custodial parent UNLESS someone challenges their ability to parent (family or child services). And money inherited, unless stated specifically in the will or trust is spent however the surviving spouse wants to.

 

[dngnb8]

Everyone has a Will. Again, if you dont have one, the state provides a standard template.

Will's: These are an invitation to probate. Information is public and in a court of law. Youre estate is put on a docket with a set time and date. Anyone can ask for something from your Estete. Your estate will have court costs deducted.

Living Trust: (Also know as Living Estate, Living Will). These avoid probate, are considered a legal entity. It owns whatever is in it. It is a snap shot in time. If youre LT is established today, and you buy your DVC 1 year from now, it isnt in your LT unless you amend it. (or have a Pour Over Will within the LT).

Neither a Will or Living Trust avoid Estate Tax exposure.

In both cases, you should identify Medical Power of Attorney. Also make sure you list a back up. If you list your partner, and are in a car and 1 is DOA and the other needs a decision, without that back up, you have a Terry Shiavo situation.

Something to note. If your wish is a no code order (let me die), make sure who you designate has the wherewithall to execute such an order. Also understand the burden you place on that person for making such a decision.

This as been a PSA from dngnb8