When should you stop giving gifts?

[mrsstats79]

When is it time to stop gift giving to great nieces/nephews? They live within 1/2 hour of us but up until last year we would only see them on holidays at my brothers house. Since we had a fall out with my sister in law we are no longer doing holidays together. This past Christmas we did give them gifts but we had to call them and make arrangements to see them. Now with birthdays coming up I feel it is time to stop the gift giving. We don't hear from them at all unless we make contact. I just feel it is time to stop. Thoughts?

 

[Boopuff]

I stopped around age 12. They get so picky, and it became gift card for gift card. I just called my SIL and said "sorry, I'm done" She really wanted to continue, but I just thought it was dumb, especially since we moved across the country and didn't even see the kids at Christmas/birthday. Mailing stuff is another p.i.t.a.

 

[Disneylover99]

Definitely stop. No explanation needed.

 

[TLSnell1981]

I will stop giving gifts when or if I’m broke or dead. I don’t feel obligated but enjoy giving. Besides the kids aren’t responsible for their parents‘ behavior.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I would have answered differently had I not known about the fall out. Are you sure you are thinking about this in terms of closeness with your nieces and nephews and family norms as far as gift giving practices and not about the fall out you had with the sister-in-law? Basically are you punishing them because of the fall out or is this a thing you've been thinking about before the falling out?

 

[_19disnA]

If there are relatives you no longer have regular contact with (regardless of the reason), I wouldn't feel compelled to give gifts. Making special arrangements just to drop off gifts seems unnecessary.

 

[LovesTimone]

My relationship with my Brother is strained... we only talk if it has something to do with our parents... I'm our parents POA medical and financial... so I do communicate with him if it pertains to them, and their well being come first, so any difference that we have are set aside.

I stopped gift giving to my niece a few years ago, they are both old enough( 20's and 30's) to send a text that says thank you for the gift, which they don't have a second to do that, so I feel why should I bother. I do send a gift for my great niece as she is only 10. Normally something Disney she loves Disney princess.. I do this because I want to..

We don't exchange gift with my DH's brother's.. except one, he is an adult with some special needs.

 

[kymom99]

Probably not the same thing, but I feel sad for my son sometimes. He is the youngest grandchild on my side and lost his grandparents fairly young. My MiL passed when he was almost 20 so at least he had her although her health wasn’t good for a couple years. Thankfully my sister still recognizes his birthdays and gives him something at Christmas. My brother does Christmas but not birthdays anymore. My other brother is his godfather and didn’t even acknowledge his college graduation. I on the other hand still give a little something to the nieces and nephews even though the oldest is 40!

So I guess my answer is it depends on the circumstances and what you are comfortable with. You don’t owe anyone a gift.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Do they send you a birthday greeting? If not, you have your answer.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Do they send you a birthday greeting? If not, you have your answer.

Eh in our family none of us kids did that it just wasn't a family norm. Certainly wouldn’t have been a deciding factor for when to stop.

Tit for tat wasn't really a thing in our family like my cousin never sent my mom a birthday card in the mail much less a gift but it's not like my mom said "welp too bad so sad you get nadda from me", same for Christmas gifts.

Whatever family norms are should be what the OP is working with.

 

[nw6675]

Given that we are talking about great nieces/nephews, I am 100% with you. Particularly if you aren't very close to them. DH and I have a great niece that we don't see very often even though they live fairly close and we are not very close to her parents (husband's nephew). We gave gifts when our daughter (10 now) attended birthday parties, but otherwise we don't gift give.

Not that life has to be tit for tat, but we had our DD when my sister in law's kids were grown. We gave gifts to her sons until they were adults. Our older son was in the mix of gift giving growing up. However, my daughter doesn't even get a happy birthday from her aunt. I honestly think it is because we don't gift give to the grand niece (her granddaughter). But then, this is the sister in law that told me it was a SHAME our son was having a girl, not a boy to carry on the family name.....after they spent years and thousands on IVF to have our precious granddaughter.

I actually feel better reading the other posts.

 

[indimom]

Great nieces and nephews? In my opinion, gifts not "required" - they have their own grandparents/aunts/uncles/parents for that. Maybe I'd feel different if the family is small. But, that could amount to a ton of gifts for some families. I have over 20 nieces and nephews - almost all on DH's side of the family who we only see occasionally. And, trying to gift ALL the greats that have started to arrive in recent years could become crazy expensive and really difficult to keep track of over time...
That said, I have been known to do the occasional/small gift just for fun. I bought some paintable sun-catchers for a great-nephew for our Easter get-together today. I just thought it might be something fun to do if he gets bored (since he's the only little kid on that side of the family). But, I wouldn't lose sleep over never giving him a gift. He's not lacking for gift-giving love from his immediate family.

 

[barkley]

we only have nieces/nephews on dh's side and since he's never been particularly close to his half-sibs (big age difference) we only gifted if there was the very rare holiday get together. that said-we got high school grad announcements from all of them and i did send each a small check in a congrats card which i know by virtue of the checks clearing each received. gave a wedding gift for the wedding we were invited to but i never sent gifts after the high school graduations b/c the only contact we had was-college graduation announcements, engagement announcements, birth announcements... which honestly, absent any other contact (not even a christmas cards from the parents)-felt to me like a gift grab.

 

[TLSnell1981]

My relationship with my Brother is strained... we only talk if it has something to do with our parents... I'm our parents POA medical and financial... so I do communicate with him if it pertains to them, and their well being come first, so any difference that we have are set aside.

I stopped gift giving to my niece a few years ago, they are both old enough( 20's and 30's) to send a text that says thank you for the gift, which they don't have a second to do that, so I feel why should I bother. I do send a gift for my great niece as she is only 10. Normally something Disney she loves Disney princess.. I do this because I want to..

We don't exchange gift with my DH's brother's.. except one, he is an adult with some special needs.

Do what makes your heart happy. Also remember that gifts can often be just a small gesture or token to say that person was remembered on that occasion. It may or may not matter at that moment but still be important later in life.

One of my most cherished and memorable gifts was a box of homemade fudge. It wasn’t necessarily the fudge but my great grandmother’s beaming face when she presented it to me. Another was from my cousin’s grandmother who faithfully sent us a card with a silver dollar for birthdays and at Christma.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Eh in our family none of us kids did that it just wasn't a family norm. Certainly wouldn’t have been a deciding factor for when to stop.

Tit for tat wasn't really a thing in our family like my cousin never sent my mom a birthday card in the mail much less a gift but it's not like my mom said "welp too bad so sad you get nadda from me", same for Christmas gifts.

Whatever family norms are should be what the OP is working with.

It’s not about tit for tat. It’s when the scales of gift-giving have been one-sided for years and years, there comes a time when you ask yourself the question the OP is asking.

Given that the OP is talking grand nieces and nephews, that translates to probably thirty or more years of gift giving for nieces and nephews before that. That’s a LOT of gift giving over time, and it’s not always easy. (For instance, I had to send packages out of state for 20 yrs. Before Amazon. So shop, wrap, go to post office and send, etc. Twice a year, at least.)

I realized when asking myself the same question that the people I’m closest with send me a birthday greeting, too. I’m not talking gifts, or even sending a card - I’m talking shooting a text. If that doesn’t happen, then I just don’t see that it’s something that one is obligated to keep doing forever and ever. I mean, sure, if one sees these people and wants to give them something, then hey. But if not, and especially when it requires going out of one’s way to get and deliver gifts, especially as one gets older, then I think it makes sense to end the ritual.

It doesn’t mean if one sees them, they can’t give them gifts then. If that makes sense.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

It’s not about tit for tat.

Apologies but that's how it sounded by saying "Do they send you a birthday greeting? If not, you have your answer." like if they don't then you shouldn't.

It’s when the scales of gift-giving have been one-sided for years and years, there comes a time when you ask yourself the question the OP is asking.

Yeah but that's part of what goes into someone's family norm. It IS the family norm in both my family and my husband's family to be one sided (although for Christmas gifts really stop when you're 18, b-day gifts stopped before that but not sure when I'd have to ask my mom on that one as I don't recollect). My husband has never given a gift since I've known him (which was age 18 but I know it was like this before) to his aunts or uncles. His grandmother for Christmas only and it depended year to year with sometimes just a card. It was never the norm in my family for us to give gifts to our cousins, or aunts or uncles nor did we really reach out when we would get a card, it's just how it is but my aunts and uncle knew we appreciated it, they didn't view the absence of something as a negative. Just how it is in our family. My cousin never reached out to my mom to thank for b-day, just how our family was, but my mom never viewed that as a reason to just stop giving because it was just the norm for our family.

I’m not talking gifts, or even sending a card - I’m talking shooting a text. If that doesn’t happen, then I just don’t see that it’s something that one is obligated to keep doing forever and ever.

Yeah but again that's part of what goes into someone's family norm. We don't do that either in our family. Just not how it is. I don't remember when I stopped getting a b-day card from my aunts and uncle but even when I was younger it just wasn't a thing for us to do what your above comment was.

Grandparents was really the only focus as in when I got a birthday card in the mail from my grandparents (and then only my grandmother when my grandfather passed) to call her to thank her. For my husband as well just grandparents although sometimes he calls other times he just says on FB.

_________
So for sure if there's some family norms going on in the OP's family where there was an expectation that contact in some form occurs to acknowledge the gift or just the card there's one track for the conversation. But that isn't the case for all families.

I agree about obligation but if it's only out of obligation then who reaches out and how often that occurs shouldn't matter anyways, you weren't really giving the gift or card out of genuine kindness and more of "well this is what I have to do so I do it" and most especially if you're looking at it from a scales perspective. A lot of people find themselves wondering why they are doing gift exchanges for Christmas for instance and many times you see it's just "well that's just what we've been doing" but the joy of giving the gift was long gone (if it was there to begin with) so a different conversation to be had. Some people truly enjoy giving of gifts and don't view it as what do they get out of it, sometimes practically speaking people do look at what they get out of it but in the case of the OP like my first comment is I question whether this is more of a "I'm just tired of giving gifts" or more a "we just don't get along with that side of the family anymore".

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Apologies but that's how it sounded by saying "Do they send you a birthday greeting? If not, you have your answer." like if they don't then you shouldn't.

That was my short answer. I’m sure there are plenty here who can relate to what I am saying.

Just as other traditions evolve, as everyone is always saying here, so can these.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

That was my short answer. I’m sure there are plenty here who can relate to what I am saying.

Just as other traditions evolve, as everyone is always saying here, so can these.

We're not in disagreement with evolving traditions so I'm not sure why you would think that.

I was just responding to the idea that if they don't give the OP a greeting time to stop like that being the line in the sand. That entirely depends on someone's family norm. I'm sure you can relate to that as well

 

[TwoMisfits]

When is it time to stop gift giving to great nieces/nephews? They live within 1/2 hour of us but up until last year we would only see them on holidays at my brothers house. Since we had a fall out with my sister in law we are no longer doing holidays together. This past Christmas we did give them gifts but we had to call them and make arrangements to see them. Now with birthdays coming up I feel it is time to stop the gift giving. We don't hear from them at all unless we make contact. I just feel it is time to stop. Thoughts?

I stop at 18 with a high school graduation gifts BUT then I move to cards on birthdays and "family presents" for Christmas, so the whole family still gets something, but I don't have to buy 3-4 gifts (these tend to be food or comfort related)...

 

[Pea-n-Me]

you weren't really giving the gift or card out of genuine kindness and more of "well this is what I have to do so I do it" and most especially if you're looking at it from a scales perspective

What?? I think most people understood what I was saying with my first post. I only expanded on it because of your comments. Of course I did it out of genuine love and kindness.