When is it time to take a parent over?

[lovemygoofy]

As some now this has been an ongoing issue with my mom. Part of her just needs attention and part is just plain bad health.

Right now she has been in the hospital since Monday. She is getting great care thankfully but has just let her health get worse and worse until she HAD to have the care.

The people that live around her are kind to her and helps her when needed as she helps them. My family also helps out as she helps them but all I've heard all week is that I need to come takeover and figure something out.

I have no idea what to figure out. Do I take her from the state she lives in with her friends and family and bring her to live here with us? Do I get her an aide to watch over her?

The part that is driving me crazy is that she is 53 years old. Hell the way it's going she may out live me. She lived her entire life taking care of my grandparents and now it's expected that I should do the same. I'm her only child and it's killing me the guilt that everyone is putting on me that I'm not down there. I live 1200 freaking miles away now. I can't just jump in my car and go.

I know that she wants me to be around but I also know that she is trying so hard to more independent but her anxiety, depression and health is making it difficult. I don't know what to do. I'm sitting here in tears after another lecture about me not taking care of my mother. When is it time that I just take over? Please someone give me an idea.

 

[Handbag Lady]

Who on earth is lecturing you?

I would contact her doctor and get a really good idea what is going on and what her true needs are at this time.

I would consider having her move in with you if that is best per the doctor.

But if the people saying this are just people who are doing it to annoy you JUST because you moved away, then no, you're fine having mom take care of herself.


She's 53. That's only 13 years older than me, for crying out loud. She's young enough to take care of herself. (Unless she's doing it because she's mad you moved.)

 

[C.Ann]

Exactly what are your mom's health issues?

Can she take care of herself for the most part?

Does she get her bills paid on time and such?

Does she drive - or go out on her own?

Does she want you to "take over" - take her to where you are living?

53 is very, very young to have to be "taken over" by your adult child.. I think more info might be helpful before anyone can answer that question for you..

It's tough when you're an only child..

 

[jx3smom]

I'm 53. Way to young to have my kids make my decisions. Is she mentally stable? You do what you can do, I'm sure you know what needs to be done. Maybe contact social services in your mothers area and they will point you in the right direction.

 

[SpecialK]

If she is currently in the hospital, you can request that the social worker there get involved. They can spearhead the evaluation process and recommend what needs to be done. They can also connect you with agencies in her area that can help her to live independently but keep an eye on her. Fifty-three is awfully young to be going through this.

As for anyone throwing a guilt trip at you, brush it off. You can help your mother, but you don't have to give up your life. (I know from personal experience that it's hard to know where to draw the line, but you have to maintain your own life.)

 

[coles1mom]

Tina, it's hard isn't it.

Your mom needs to be with professionals that can help her, not with her daughter. I know you love your Mom with all your heart, but honey she needs the pros with some Tina on the side.

As daughters, we have the problem of allowing our parents to lean and not stand on their own. Time for her to listen to her doctors.
You have nothing to feel guilty about.

 

[EthansMom]

She's 53 not 83. Unless your Mom is mentally disabled or has a diminished capacity, there's nothing you can do to "take over".

Heck, you've only been "on your own" (as an adult; not living under the care and guidance of your parents) for a handful of years and someone thinks you need to be taking responsibility for Mom? Puh-lease!

Strictly from a legal standpoint, you can't force your Mom to do anything. And from an ethical standpoint, it's not your responsibility to care for an able-bodied adult who CHOOSES not to care for herself.

I don't know who (friend/relative/your Mom herself) is feeding you this line of guilt, but if I were you, I'd tell them, "Mom is a grown adult. She needs to take care of herself."

Now, that said, there are some things you might be able to do at a distance to help your Mom. For instance, arranging someone to come in regularly and check on her, arranging grocery deliveries, etc... as necessary.

 

[C.Ann]

I'm still trying to get past the "53".. I'll be 60 in October and although I choose to live with DD and their family during the winter months when it's too cold to stay here in my seasonal place at the lake, I can't even imagine them wanting - or needing - to "take me over" at this point in my life..

Unless this woman is seriously ill or mentally incapacitated, I can't even begin to understand why anyone is throwing a guilt trip on the OP for not "taking over" her mother's life - or bringing her to live with her.. Unless I've missed a whole lot of posts in the past that have indicated some serious problems with Mom, I really don't "get it" at all..

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Heck I am 44 which means your mother is only 9 yrs older than me!

If she is mentally unstable as you say, you need to get some help thru the hospital social worker or get some direction to get her some help for starters. You may be able to get her help locally.

Just because you "take over" does not mean you are going to be a magical cure. Her issues sound chronic.

My MIL is paranoid schizophrenic and my BIL has power of attorney.

Your mother would have to be willingly to give up her power to you legally in order for you to actually help her with mental/medical issues.

Is she willingly to do that?

Bottom line, even if you "take over" a person has to want to be helped to get better. It is something that I am sure you understand 100%.

 

[lovemygoofy]

I'm sorry I didn't mean to leave out alot of detail.

Mom is 53 and is an epileptic with horrible anxiety and depression. She is on disability so does not work. She does drive and pays her on bills and makes her own decisions.

This is where it gets tricky. She is sick alot and I mean alot because of ongoing pulmonary problems. They have been awful for the last month and half. Her twin brother and his wife(my aunt and uncle) do help her out by picking up groceries and running a couple of errands lately. However, they just aren't used to my mom being independent and she isn't totally. She's never had to be because it was living with her parents and then me taking care of her and then my step dad(no longer step dad) and now it's just herself. My aunt is the one that keeps telling me I should be home taking care of all this and making sure everything is being done correctly. I guess I missed the day I graduated from medical school.

Honestly there are days I call her a high functioning special snowflake because she NEEDS the attention but also is trying hard to be on her own. It's hard when you never had to do it alone.

They have done alot of testing this week and even more this weekend. Honestly, I'm not sure that the results will be good. It's just something whispering in my ear as I continue to hear how things have went down hill with my mom's health since I saw her 3 months ago.

I do have calls in to her primary care doctor and the doctor in charge of her case at the hospital trying to seek answers.

It's taking everything in me not to book a plane out to go see for myself. I talk to her probably 4-5x a day right now and she is okay now. The first day was the worst as she was constantly crying aking me to come home that she needed me. I'm sitting there in tears and telling her to calm down that it's going to be okay and that she just had to settle down. Lastnight was great; she was talking about flying up her next month.

I just don't know anymore. It's hard when your heart and brain are torn.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

OK, you did not answer the question. Is your mom willingly to give you power of attorney?

 

[lovemygoofy]

OK, you did not answer the question. Is your mom willingly to give you power of attorney?

Honestly I don't know. I think she would give me the POA BUT I don't, well I know that she wouldn't want to move with me. She wants to be with her friends and she can't be far from her twin brother(vice versa) but wants me close by.

I struggled with this when I was only 6 hours away but if it was an absoulte have to I could just get in the car and go but now not so much.

 

[onelilspark]

To be frank: sounds like your Aunt is trying to pass the Buck.

People are giving you a guilt trip and only you can let that happen. I can understand the want to be there for your mother, but the fact is, she's not old. She's younger than my Mom (shhhh.) If she really does need help, an aide doesn't sound like the right answer, perhaps an Assisted Living facility where she can live on her own except the times she does need help...if it's too much for the rest of your family.

I feel like I'm being the mean witchy lady, because I know if it were my Mom, I'd probably be on that plane. BUT it'd be unusual for my Mom to have those sorts of problems. If this is something she's always dealt with...she knows how to handle it. She needs to grow and the rest of your family needs to decide to deal with the fact that you have your own life and you're not going to put it on hold everytime they call. (I sound so cold hearted, but sometimes a little tough love goes a long way...)

 

[ClarabelleCowFan]

Hugs, my friend.

Sorry you are having to deal with this. It can be pretty rough when the roles reverse and the child has to parent the parent. Been there.

Can you give your Mom the option of moving into an assisted living/retirement type community near you? That way she has you nearby but you both have your own space. You can oversee her Dr visits that way and make sure she gets what she needs.

I'm sure you already know this but if need be and she does move in with you, Matt can claim her as a dependent and she is eligible for TriCare. We looked into that when Mom was in the hospital before she passed.

As for those giving you the guilt trip, tell them to stick it where the sun doesn't shine. You are a GREAT daughter to your Mom.

 

[punkin]

Hmmm, here's my take on the situation. It is complete conjeture based on my own experience and may be totally wrong.

I bet your Uncle has offloaded a lot of the responsibility for your mother on his wife (husbands tend to do this). She is understandably upset because she is just an inlaw and she wants you to take over. I have been in your Aunt's shoes so I can sympathize, but I think you and your mother and the Aunt and Uncle should have a long conversation where you decide:

what needs to be done;
what your mother will allow to be done;
and who has to do it

Under no circumstances allow yourself to be guilted into anything! Good Luck!

 

[TheZue]

If she is having that much trouble managing an assisted living scenario would be the way to go imo. She gets to stay near her friends, her twin, and her sister in law wouldn't be getting a ton of work dropped in her lap. Think long and hard about letting her move in with you, she's young and will probably live a long time. Once they are living with you it's hard to get them out, like you'd probably have to evict her if she refused. This is the time you get to set your boundries, you do have your own life and there is nothing to feel guilty about there.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Honestly I don't know. I think she would give me the POA BUT I don't, well I know that she wouldn't want to move with me. She wants to be with her friends and she can't be far from her twin brother(vice versa) but wants me close by.

I struggled with this when I was only 6 hours away but if it was an absoulte have to I could just get in the car and go but now not so much.

Your mom does not have to live with you in order for you to have POA. Having the legal ground to stand on will give you the ability to make medical/financial decisions for her.

Which can be critically important at various times.

My MIL lives on her own, pays her bills, drives, etc....she gets an allowance from BIL.

My BIL owns the condo she lives in and she pays him rent. We had sold her house and BIL got all the money from the sale because he was going to be the one to care for MIL. He used the house money to put towards a condo for her.

I don't know if this is the solution for you but it has been the right one for our family.

What about assisted living?

 

[Skatermom23]

I'm sorry your going thorugh this as I went through a similiar situation with my mom many years ago. She was used to having me around so when I had the nerve to marry someone in the military, and it took me half way around the world, she got mad...not really, she got needy. She couldn't deal with me being gone and wanted me home. She would never have considered leaving her home, and tried to guilt me into coming back. The problem is that your Aunt feels like this is getting dumped onto her and it is. She has the option to help or not and I would make sure she knows how grateful you are that she is helping, but that you have responsiblities and cannot run home all the time. It sounds like your mom would benefit greatly from a retirement community. (although she might not even get in yet because she is so young) Or you can set up something through Visiting Angels (as it is called in my area) and you need to be firm with her and let her know that you will take care of the logisitics of her needs and you are always there to talk to her but she has to stop with the guilty part.

As to my mom, I forced her to get involved with several senior groups and make a ton of friends. She didn't go willingly and I had to play tough love a few times. Years later, she is very grateful to still be in her home and have a new world of friends and is grateful that I was strong with her. I know it is hard to deal with the guilt at the time but stay strong and try to not get too emotional.

 

[EthansMom]

I think I'm going to agree that an assisted living situation might be best for your mom.

DH's grandmother was in a great assisted living place. She had a little one bedroom apartment and could cook her own meals or go to the cafeteria. There were lots of organized activities/trips and a shuttle for shopping, doctor's visits, etc..

 

[NHdisneylover]

Tina You are dealing with a lot.

It sounds to me like your aunt is overwhelmed with trying to help her sister in law and wants a break. I can totally understand that. However putting you on a guilt trip is not fair at all. Your aunt just has to learn to say "no" to your mom.

It sounds like your mom recently went through a divorce (based on the comment about not a step dad any longer). That is probably making her feel extra anxious and depressed and in need of attention to prove to herself that she does matter. And if she has really never had to take care of herself that must be adding greatly to her stress (and stress makes it very hard for the body to stay healthy--compounding her issues). I think an assisted living facitity could be a good option if your mom is willing to try something like this. Or, I know of two older ladies who were both widowed who needed jsut a little help from time to time--more an extra set of eyes in case one had an issue but niether had issues often enough for it to be likely for them both need help at the same time. They moved in together and became roomates! I think they get more out of their set up in moral support than anything. It is unconventional but works very well for them.

Anyway, it sounds like your mother might mostly need some time to adjust to taking care of herself (it took my mom over a year to get past the pain of my dad leaving her. We were on the phone all the time that year--and I felt like her mom a lot during that time! She was 50 that year). She may also really need some medical help. Or she may just need to realize that letting her health go to get attention is not going to work. I really do not think she should be (or can be) forced to move away to be with you. I certainly do not think you need to drop everything and run to either.

Take some deep breaths and a hot bath, eat some chocolate, drink a little wine, etc and realize that you are an awesome daughter to care so much and be on the phone with her so often and tell your aunt next time she calls that you can not drop everything and run down there but that she does not need to be the caretaker either. Let her know you have faith in your mom to be a big girl and take care of herself if she has to. Then repeat ad naseum if necessary