When is it time for kids to move out?

[The Mystery Machine]

Well your apartment doesn't sound that bad. Although, I really would not be able to live without a phone (at least not in an era without internet). I absolutely hate talking on the phone and avoid it if at all possible, but I live 600 miles away from any family members. My mother would buy me a phone and pay for it herself before she'd let me live halfway across the country with no way to get in touch with me.

Well this was the 80's and we didn't have cell phones or internet (you know the dark ages). So not having those things was not uncommon. And the while the place was not that bad, the worst thing was the racoons in the chimney you had to listen to when you went to sleep and getting scaled in the shower.

As I look back now there was no way for my parents to get ahold of me.

With my 18yodd going off to college in the fall that is just not going to happen. Have to have the cell and internet. Times have changed that is for sure.

 

[AlleyKat]

The only difference that I can see is that I'm a LOT more blunt about it than many other posters.

I don't believe the truth ever killed anyone! It may slap one in the face and sting like heck, but it's never killed!

If you have broccoli in your teeth or that dress makes you look fat, I'll tell you.

Thank God, nobody else will!

 

[goofyernmost]

I'm about ready to kick my kids out of the house and they are only 5 & 7!!

In all seriousness, I've been on my "own" since I was 19. Not that I technically moved out, but my dad took a job in Germany and moved their with my mom while I was in college.

My thoughts are a couple years after college is fine. If you're paying rent and helping with food and chores around the house, then I'd give you a few more years beyond that.

After that though, you're out. It's time for you to move on as I want some quiet time!

I agree completely.

Here were my rules...If you want to stay at home just to save up money so you don't have to struggle to make it. Then you are free to leave. If I just put you through college, I don't have enough money left or I am deeply in debt for your education. I cannot afford to support you while you "save" up for your life. I have retirement lurking and I have to replenish my own nest egg. If you are willing to pay rent, buy some of the groceries, help around the house then you are welcome to stay for a while.

I still wouldn't think that this was the best course of action. You need to start living your own life. Start achieving on your own without Mommy and Daddy to use as a crutch.

I told my children that they could stay with us, no charge, until they got a job. They had to be really actively trying to get one and once they did, then I would expect to be paid for the roof over their head. Did that mean that I didn't love my kids? Not even close to that. I have told them repeatedly that I am their safety net if everything goes south on them. And I meant it and still do. I did, however, refuse to be an enabler. My job as their parent is to teach them how to survive, how to prosper, how to hold their head up high and be everything they can be. It is no achievement if their head is up high because I am holding it there.

It's a tough world out there and our reaction as parents is to protect our children from possible pain. The problem is that we are not going to be here forever and they will have to fend for themselves. The sooner they learn how, the happier and stronger they will be. That's how I feel about it.

PS...I am very close with my grown kids. Yes, they have expressed that at the time, they thought I was being unreasonable. They now know better and are independent, successful adults. We are now friends (and sometimes Father/Child) but mostly respectful of each other and I for one, bathe in their maturity and ability to cope with life. I don't know if they would have still been that way if they would have been given a "free card" early on. What I do know is that it sure didn't seem to hurt them because I insisted they needed to make it on their own.

 

[Blueeyes101817]

Why don't you and your brother be roommates? That sounds like an ideal situation to me.

We talked about it, but it just wouldnt work for him and I --while it would be an ideal situation, we would end up killing each other

If you all are close enough to live at home, why aren't tyou close enough to be roommates with friends from high school or college friends? Why bother giving the "woo is me, I don't feel safe finding a roommate on criagslist" when you absoutely don't need to.

My friends from high school that I would move in with are all married, engaged, have kids, or living with someone already..My college is not local to my job and I would end up having a 2plus hour commute everyday and most of my college friends live near the college

 

[Uuaww]

We talked about it, but it just wouldnt work for him and I --while it would be an ideal situation, we would end up killing each other


My friends from high school that I would move in with are all married, engaged, have kids, or living with someone already..My college is not local to my job and I would end up having a 2plus hour commute everyday and most of my college friends live near the college

Looking for roommates on craigslist isn't bad. I have done it twice now with great results. I just make sure to really talk to the person, check out the house and really figure out if you can live with this person. Yes there is a chance that they will be horrible roommates, but hopefully not. Trust me, going out on your own is a must. 6 months ago I moved halfway across the world away from everyone I knew. It was tough for a while but once you get settled, you feel A LOT better.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Looking for roommates on craigslist isn't bad. I have done it twice now with great results. I just make sure to really talk to the person, check out the house and really figure out if you can live with this person. Yes there is a chance that they will be horrible roommates, but hopefully not. Trust me, going out on your own is a must. 6 months ago I moved halfway across the world away from everyone I knew. It was tough for a while but once you get settled, you feel A LOT better.

My nephew who was kicked out at 17 with nothing but the clothes on his back, went to NYC and lived that way for a couple of yrs. He bounced around alot.

However today he is in a stable job, an apartment that he shares with his name on the lease, and is going to school. He is 23 now.

 

[arminnie]

I think the old method a lot of the middle class used to have - where kids were tossed out to make it on their own following college graduation - was a good thing. You learned to be frugal and you learned what poverty was like so that when you crawled your way back into the middle class, you were charitable and kind and not dense about the challenges others face..

I know several kids graduating from college that are getting GREAT jobs - some even over $100,000. They are not going to be crawling up from poverty unless they were raised in poverty. (and the one who is getting over $150,000 was born in a mud hut in an Asian country).

Of course most of these are extra, extra smart and are getting degrees from top schools.

 

[Pin Wizard]

I know several kids graduating from college that are getting GREAT jobs - some even over $100,000. They are not going to be crawling up from poverty unless they were raised in poverty. (and the one who is getting over $150,000 was born in a mud hut in an Asian country).

Of course most of these are extra, extra smart and are getting degrees from top schools.

Agreed. I know of a pathologist's daughter who graduated from Yale law school. When she landed her first job she told her dad...I can't make this much money, I'm just out of school. He told her...Oh, yes you can!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[bluesaturn]

Repeatedly I stated "this is my opinion". None of my posts said "better than everyone else's way FOR YOU." Everyone does, and believes, what is best for them. Otherwise, we'd change it. So, of course, I think my way is best, you think your way is best. I'm not trying to make you move out of your parent's home, I think most of my intent is to get people to look at the other side. Even if you don't like the other side. Which many of you really, really don't. And that's fine.

Also, if you check my, um, second post on the topic, I believe I said "once we help our children to get set up." Not "Once we kick our children to the curb to starve." It's like playing telephone with these threads sometimes, except there's no excuse for it because it's all been written down.

It's annoying that my opinion, which I hold strongly, is somehow "arrogant" and you feel you have to "run away" from me. I posited my opinion, and I argued with people who disagreed with me. The only difference that I can see is that I'm a LOT more blunt about it than many other posters. Which is how I am in real life. If you have broccoli in your teeth or that dress makes you look fat, I'll tell you.

What I *said* was, and I'll repeat it again, is that experience builds wisdom and adversity builds character. That's what I believe. If you don't believe it, that's fine, as I've said before, It's America, it takes all types.

I also had the thought last night that serving in the military is a great corollary for being out on your own-it's another experience that young people go through that helps to form a stronger, more self-reliant person, I think. But again, just my opinion.

I actually don't live in my parents' home. Which I stated in this thread, but you know that whole telephone thing . So I think I can see the other side pretty well. I still don't think it's necessarily the best way. I think many posters are just trying to get you to see the other side as well, even if you don't like it.

Some of your other posts did come off as rather arrogant. It wasn't your opinion that rubbed people the wrong way but rather the way you presented this opinion, you weren't just blunt but rude. You have every right to express your opinion any way you want, so really you can be as rude as you want whenever you want. But I think that's why you got this really intense angry reaction from a lot of posters. This quoted response didn't come off that way, so maybe you were just having a stressful day yesterday. That's understandable.

I'm not trying to tell you how to type, or scold you or something so please don't take it that way. I don't really care how you type. I wanted you to know that you didn't seem arrogant just because you had a different opinion. For the record, I do like bluntness and we could definitely use more of it around here. And I never thought you would dump your kids out on the street, I never said that so I'm not sure if you were addressing that to me?

 

[arminnie]

Agreed. I know of a pathologist's daughter who graduated from Yale law school. When she landed her first job she told her dad...I can't make this much money, I'm just out of school. He told her...Oh, yes you can!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am just amazed at how much money some of them are making!

But here's an even better twist:

Major law firms in New York are offering new graduates $65-75,000 a year not to come to work until 2010!

And this is not just a rumor. I couldn't believe it - but I was told this first hand by a partner at one of the firms and then found articles about it on the internet.

 

[Uuaww]

I am just amazed at how much money some of them are making!

But here's an even better twist:

Major law firms in New York are offering new graduates $65-75,000 a year not to come to work until 2010!

And this is not just a rumor. I couldn't believe it - but I was told this first hand by a partner at one of the firms and then found articles about it on the internet.

*drool* I would take that in a heartbeat. Make money doing nothing... sweet.

 

[Pin Wizard]

I am just amazed at how much money some of them are making!

But here's an even better twist:

Major law firms in New York are offering new graduates $65-75,000 a year not to come to work until 2010!

And this is not just a rumor. I couldn't believe it - but I was told this first hand by a partner at one of the firms and then found articles about it on the internet.

That is too much! I think I need to go back to school!

 

[Mufasa&Simba]

I'm 25 and I'm still living at home. I don't mind it and my parents don't mind it. I couldn't afford to live on my own now and even if I could I might not even do it then, because I'd be really homesick.

The only time I lived away from home is when I was 20/21 years old and I went to school full time for one semester and lived on campus. I didn't start school full time right away after high school. I only stayed for one semester and then I went to live back home. I only lived about 40 miles from home. Even then I'd say I went home just about every weekend throughout the semester!

Personally, if a kid (or adult) never wants to move out- there's nothing wrong with that. Does that mean that I, personally, want to live at home when I'm 40? No. I have a feeling the only time I will move out eventually is when I get married. someday.

 

[LoraJ]

I moved out when I was 19. Not only did I move out, but I moved from Cleveland to New York City. I went to a trade school for 7 months and my parents gave me $600 a month to pay rent and eat food. After work they told me to get a job in a month or they were not giving me money anymore.

When I got that first job, the money I got was just a little bit more than what my parents gave me. It was not easy. But those were some of the best years of my life. Sure there were times I struggled and had to put the groceries on a credit card. I had a roommate that ran up the phone bill like you would not believe that resulted in it getting shut off. Ended up moving out and getting another roommate. During my adult life before I got married I lived on my own as well as living with friends and people I found from the paper. I think the strangers I lived with were just as good as the friends.

My first apartment was in the West Village.

Here's my beautiful kitchen:

Note the hair products on the counter. That's because We did not have a full bathroom. Only a water closet. Sorry about the glasses on the counter. This was almost 20 years ago. We had probably just entertained. And check out the staple you find in every young person's home - Mac & Cheese. Mix that in with a can of chili and you have a hearty meal for a few days.

Since we did not have a bathroom, our shower was in the kitchen. This photo was taken the day I moved in:

The apartment had a tiny bedroom that fit just the bed and a dresser. It was a furnished apartment that we sublet from someone. We had a futon in the living room. Basically what happened would be whomever got home first slept in the bedroom, and who got home last slept on the futon.

Throughout my 20's, I barely knew anyone who still lived at home. Even the majority of my friends back in Cleveland had moved out and gotten their own places. The ones in NYC all had roommates or little studios.

Now where I work I see all of these people in their 20's who still live at home. They all seem to have really nice cars and nice designer clothes. I'm sure many of them give their parents some money for rent. But many of them do seem a bit spoiled. I wonder if this is the first wave of the coddled that are coming into the work place? This one guy's mother baked him a cake on his birthday and brought it in for everyone and stayed for the celebration. This would not fly when I was 25. Everyone would ridicule the mama's boy. I am with those that say there is no way when I was in my 20's that I would date someone who lived at home. I dated a guy who when I was 19 who lived with his parents, but that did not last long.

It seems that now a days, people would rather have the comforts of home than have to live in a place with the shower in the kitchen. But my crappy apartment was in an amazing neighborhood. I would not trade that whole experience for anything. It's made me appreciate what I have now even more. If that makes me smug, so be it.

 

[NAB]

I moved out when I was 19. Not only did I move out, but I moved from Cleveland to New York City. I went to a trade school for 7 months and my parents gave me $600 a month to pay rent and eat food. After work they told me to get a job in a month or they were not giving me money anymore.

When I got that first job, the money I got was just a little bit more than what my parents gave me. It was not easy. But those were some of the best years of my life. Sure there were times I struggled and had to put the groceries on a credit card. I had a roommate that ran up the phone bill like you would not believe that resulted in it getting shut off. Ended up moving out and getting another roommate. During my adult life before I got married I lived on my own as well as living with friends and people I found from the paper. I think the strangers I lived with were just as good as the friends.

My first apartment was in the West Village.

Here's my beautiful kitchen:

Note the hair products on the counter. That's because We did not have a full bathroom. Only a water closet. Sorry about the glasses on the counter. This was almost 20 years ago. We had probably just entertained. And check out the staple you find in every young person's home - Mac & Cheese. Mix that in with a can of chili and you have a hearty meal for a few days.

Since we did not have a bathroom, our shower was in the kitchen. This photo was taken the day I moved in:

The apartment had a tiny bedroom that fit just the bed and a dresser. It was a furnished apartment that we sublet from someone. We had a futon in the living room. Basically what happened would be whomever got home first slept in the bedroom, and who got home last slept on the futon.

Throughout my 20's, I barely knew anyone who still lived at home. Even the majority of my friends back in Cleveland had moved out and gotten their own places. The ones in NYC all had roommates or little studios.

Now where I work I see all of these people in their 20's who still live at home. They all seem to have really nice cars and nice designer clothes. I'm sure many of them give their parents some money for rent. But many of them do seem a bit spoiled. I wonder if this is the first wave of the coddled that are coming into the work place? This one guy's mother baked him a cake on his birthday and brought it in for everyone and stayed for the celebration. This would not fly when I was 25. Everyone would ridicule the mama's boy. I am with those that say there is no way when I was in my 20's that I would date someone who lived at home. I dated a guy who when I was 19 who lived with his parents, but that did not last long.

It seems that now a days, people would rather have the comforts of home than have to live in a place with the shower in the kitchen. But my crappy apartment was in an amazing neighborhood. I would not trade that whole experience for anything. It's made me appreciate what I have now even more. If that makes me smug, so be it.

How the heck did you get into that shower....It looks so high up.

 

[LoraJ]

How the heck did you get into that shower....It looks so high up.

We had a step. And when we got a cat, she used to jump in with me.

 

[Disney Doll]

Exactly! The crappy apartments, mac & cheese, and milk crate furniture are a very dear part of the young adult experience. You didn't have much, but it was yours and you were making it on your own.

No, we didn't have cable, and yes, you had to share a bathroom. It makes you appreciate what you're able to accomplish as your life comes together. You learn to be resourceful and adaptable and responsible. You learn what's really important. You learn to count on your friends and have them count on you.

You just can't get the same thing at your parents' house.

You know, I appreciate what I have because DH & I worked for every bit of it.

 

[J3nn78]

I am 30 and live with my parents and my DH and our two boys because we choose to, not because we have to. We contribute to the mortgage, electric, etc... We have the whole second floor- 3 giant rooms and a bathroom to ourselves. We have a pool, huge yard, hot tub. It is a kids paradise.

My 28 year old expecting sister, her DH, and my 23 year old brother live here too.

It gets crazy at times, but we love it. I love big family dinners, always having someone around to talk to. Wouldn't change it for anything right now.