When is it time for kids to move out?

[Aisling]

And as a parent, why encourage a permanent solution to a temporary problem? Sure, someone straight out of college might find work faster away from home, but if they want to live near family, why force that decision when you have the ability to help them wait out the job market where they want to be? I know some people don't really place much importance on living near family, but the norm in my family is to stay close and I'd like for my kids to be able to continue that tradition if they so choose.

I feel the same way.

 

[monkey68]

Please don't twist my post. I never suggested that one should seek out poverty. I am, however, stating that requiring an adult child to be responsible for him/herself builds a better adult, in my opinion.

But why does responsibility have to come in the form of having a bad apartment and needing to be creative with meal ideas? IMO, there are other ways of becoming a responsible adult which don't require needing to steal ketchup packets or bill juggling. Personally, I think it actually is rather responsible to live at home while working or in school, saving money so that when you do move out, you are able to actually afford to live on your own with an average lifestyle. What's wrong with that?

And if a person doesn't learn responsibility before that time, then in some sense, the blame goes on the parent. I think that responsible kids are more likely to become responsible adults. Not in every case, but more likely than not, I think. A person shouldn't wait until they're on their own to learn responsibility.

 

[xPrincessSmilesx]

Personally once I leave for uni in September I can't see me moving back into my parents no-way.

But personal choice I think it's easier to leave home earlier if your moving away for college/uni and the like as it happens naturally. It seems harder to leave the nest if you stay at home for further education, get a job straight after school in your hometown etc, as you have to make a conscious decision to leave, it's not just a side step as part of a bigger plan so to speak.

 

[bluesaturn]

Please don't twist my post. I never suggested that one should seek out poverty. I am, however, stating that requiring an adult child to be responsible for him/herself builds a better adult, in my opinion.

But who's to say an adult child isn't responsible for himself or herself just because they are living in the parent's house?

 

[Mom2Nick]

But why does responsibility have to come in the form of having a bad apartment and needing to be creative with meal ideas? IMO, there are other ways of becoming a responsible adult which don't require needing to steal ketchup packets or bill juggling. Personally, I think it actually is rather responsible to live at home while working or in school, saving money so that when you do move out, you are able to actually afford to live on your own with an average lifestyle. What's wrong with that?

And if a person doesn't learn responsibility before that time, then in some sense, the blame goes on the parent. I think that responsible kids are more likely to become responsible adults. Not in every case, but more likely than not, I think. A person shouldn't wait until they're on their own to learn responsibility.

I agree. Personally if living at home is an option and all parties are perfectly fine with it - it IS the most fiscally responsible thing to do. For me the thought of pissing away my hard earned money on some scummy apartment was appalling when I could stay home and save as much money as possible.

I got my first "grown up" job at the age of 19 as a file clerk, 20 years later(Literally 20 years this week!) I am still with this company and have moved well up the ranks through hard work and dedication. Even though in the beginning I was making only $6.00 per hour, I saved as much as I could. I went to bars with friends and always offered to be the DD so I could get free soda. I did not travel until DH came along and then we saved for that separately. I drove a new car because my job required a long commute on the highway and I wanted to have great gas mileage. I had no electronic gadgets because 20 years ago there weren't too many and I preferred a good book anyway.

I still did all my chores around the house, and watched my brothers for my parents when they wanted to go out. I still pitched in cooking for the family and cleaning up afterwards. I still ate dinner most nights with my family and enjoyed every single minute of it - especialy now since my mother died 5 years after I got married at the age of 54 from Breast Cancer. I am glad I had all those extra years of cooking and cleaning and meal sharing with her as opposed to being a "responsible adult" and living away from my family.

I am rather proud of the choices I have made in life and cannot imagine how stelaing toilet paper and ketchup packets would somehow make me a better adult.

 

[fussymonkey]

I am, however, stating that requiring an adult child to be responsible for him/herself builds a better adult, in my opinion.

Prove it. Provide some statistical analysis that proves that people that leave home before, say, age 21 are better and more responsible adults than those that stay home until thier early or mid twenties.

Your whole argument is that that you feel being on your own earlier has made YOU a better adult. Since I am a responsible, well rounded, sucessful adult, and I lived at home at 26, I could make the argument that "requiring an adult child to live his his/her familiy until he/she is ready to marry" and my logic would be as sound and well-reasoned as yours. I'm just not that arrogant. The reality is that one can become an excellent adult no matter where one chooses to live in young adulthood.

In additon I'm not sure why being responsible for one's self=living on one's own. I was responsible for myself from about 20 on. In fact, I was responsible at that age for caring for two needy, dependant parents. Even if I hadn't been, though, if I can provide for myself, but choose to save for a house before moving out, that's hardly being irresponsible.

I think we can all agree that the whole partying and having a sucky part time job going nowhere thing that some people do is out of bounds. Agreed.

 

[Kickapoo Joie Juice]

Prove it. Provide some statistical analysis that proves that people that leave home before, say, age 21 are better and more responsible adults than those that stay home until thier early or mid twenties.

Your whole argument is that that you feel being on your own earlier has made YOU a better adult. Since I am a responsible, well rounded, sucessful adult, and I lived at home at 26, I could make the argument that "requiring an adult child to live his his/her familiy until he/she is ready to marry" and my logic would be as sound and well-reasoned as yours. I'm just not that arrogant. The reality is that one can become an excellent adult no matter where one chooses to live in young adulthood.

In additon I'm not sure why being responsible for one's self=living on one's own. I was responsible for myself from about 20 on. In fact, I was responsible at that age for caring for two needy, dependant parents. Even if I hadn't been, though, if I can provide for myself, but choose to save for a house before moving out, that's hardly being irresponsible.

I think we can all agree that the whole partying and having a sucky part time job going nowhere thing that some people do is out of bounds. Agreed.

I think the simplest answer to that question is that having no exposure to deprivation ill prepares one to either be sympathetic towards it or to have experience in avoiding it or recovering from it.

The fact that so many people are freaking out in this economy, as their cushy existence is yanked right out from under them and they have no idea how to deal or recover, is ample evidence.

Yes, I do feel that my way is better than your way. The answer to the OP's question, which was WHEN (not IF) is it time for the kids to move out? The answer is, when they're not KIDS anymore. If you're still a kid when you're in your 20's, then I think there's some stagnation in the maturation process going on.

 

[Mom2Nick]

I think the simplest answer to that question is that having no exposure to deprivation ill prepares one to either be sympathetic towards it or to have experience in avoiding it or recovering from it.

With that logic then nobody should ever move out unless they are financially able to provide a nice life for themselves.

 

[fussymonkey]

I think the simplest answer to that question is that having no exposure to deprivation ill prepares one to either be sympathetic towards it or to have experience in avoiding it or recovering from it.

Why would moving out young nessecate deprivation? I went to college with tons of kids that were so-called out on thier own who were nothing near deprived. And then how do you explain the masses of compassionate, responsible people who are managing to avoid or recover from deprivation that didn't leave home until marriage? That's flawed logic. Emotional flexibility has as much to do with personality and values/upbringing as experience.

The fact that so many people are freaking out in this economy, as their cushy existence is yanked right out from under them and they have no idea how to deal or recover, is ample evidence.

Uh, not so much. Its not evidence of jack unless you can somehow prove that a significant number of these people freaking out did not leave home until they were in thier early 20s. I'm don't see any evidence that suggests that if the young people in this country had just moved out earlier they'd all be better prepared for total financial meltdown. [/I]

Yes, I do feel that my way is better than your way. The answer to the OP's question, which was WHEN (not IF) is it time for the kids to move out? The answer is, when they're not KIDS anymore.

Well "my way is better than your way" is convincing. Let's try it with my ways, "Motherhood is better than not having children", "marriage is better than being single", "Christianity is better than whatever your doing", "hetrosexuality is better than homosexuality", "working motherhood is better than staying at home with the kids", "workign in IT is better than working in sales". See why that argument is obnoxious an ineffective? I would never, ever, ever assert any of those things to anyone. I might say, "Christanity is better for me", or "I like boys", or "I love being a mom", but who am I to judge what is better for everyone else?[/I]

If you're still a kid when you're in your 20's, then I think there's some stagnation in the maturation process going on.

One can live with ones parents without being a kid, while being responsible, while saving money for some bigger goal. I think if you can't recognize that many differnt ways are right for many different people there's some arrogance and lack of critical thinking going on[/I]

I'm not trying to harp on this becuase its not even something I care about, I really don't care what anyone thinks of my decisions. I just can't understand the arrogance.

 

[disykat]

What is said .... "I think it's a good thing for young adults to have the experience of living on their own and learning to live ecomomically rather than having everything provided for them until they are financially equal to their parents."

What is heard ... "I think kids should be kicked to the curb at 18, live in slums, drive unsafe vehicles, and starve and anyone who hasn't done so is a loser."

 

[Nancy]

Prove it. Provide some statistical analysis that proves that people that leave home before, say, age 21 are better and more responsible adults than those that stay home until thier early or mid twenties.

Your whole argument is that that you feel being on your own earlier has made YOU a better adult. Since I am a responsible, well rounded, sucessful adult, and I lived at home at 26, I could make the argument that "requiring an adult child to live his his/her familiy until he/she is ready to marry" and my logic would be as sound and well-reasoned as yours. I'm just not that arrogant. The reality is that one can become an excellent adult no matter where one chooses to live in young adulthood.

In additon I'm not sure why being responsible for one's self=living on one's own. I was responsible for myself from about 20 on. In fact, I was responsible at that age for caring for two needy, dependant parents. Even if I hadn't been, though, if I can provide for myself, but choose to save for a house before moving out, that's hardly being irresponsible.

I think we can all agree that the whole partying and having a sucky part time job going nowhere thing that some people do is out of bounds. Agreed.

Exactly...I lived with my parents until I got married at 27. I was on my own support wise since I was 18 1/2 when I got my full time job. I bought my car at 19 years of age with no co-signer on a loan because my fathers exact words to me were "if you can't get a loan on your own than you don't deserve to drive a car". So I did it. The only thing that I had from my parents was a room to sleep in. I helped out both financially and physically.

I got married at 27, by this time I had opened my own business and was doing pretty good with it. My husband also lived with his parents until we got married...he was going to school and working a full time job. We bought a house before we got married, spent a lot of time and elbow grease fixing it up.

We are now both 50 years old..we are both very responsible and well adjusted adults (most times) and I appreciate the fact that my parents didn't feel the need to kick me out. I would have been fine but I'm glad I had the option to stay..as a matter of fact none of my friends lived on their own before they got married.

I think the simplest answer to that question is that having no exposure to deprivation ill prepares one to either be sympathetic towards it or to have experience in avoiding it or recovering from it.

The fact that so many people are freaking out in this economy, as their cushy existence is yanked right out from under them and they have no idea how to deal or recover, is ample evidence.

Yes, I do feel that my way is better than your way. The answer to the OP's question, which was WHEN (not IF) is it time for the kids to move out? The answer is, when they're not KIDS anymore. If you're still a kid when you're in your 20's, then I think there's some stagnation in the maturation process going on.

I beg to differ on this..I had no stagnation of my maturation process going on, sure glad I didn't have to deprive myself to grow up...I did just fine growing up and becoming a mature adult while living in my parents house.


I will not be kicking my kids out anytime soon..even though one has moved in with her boyfriend already. I actually wish she didn't do that and had stayed home..but it was her choice to make, sure didn't force her out.

 

[Colleen27]

What is said .... "I think it's a good thing for young adults to have the experience of living on their own and learning to live ecomomically rather than having everything provided for them until they are financially equal to their parents."

What is heard ... "I think kids should be kicked to the curb at 18, live in slums, drive unsafe vehicles, and starve and anyone who hasn't done so is a loser."

Except no one has said the kids should be living at home until they are "financially equal to their parents". I want my kids to be able to afford to live a modest but reasonable lifestyle when they move out - not the paid-off 4 bedroom house, three cars, boat, multiple annual vacations life they have with us, but not a studio in a slum with roommates, driving a clunker, charging groceries or stealing ketchup packets either. They'll still have lean years, I'm sure. Just not the extremes of lean that come from being pushed out of the nest before having the financial means to do so.

 

[englishteacha]

I officially moved out when I was 21, though I didn't live at home much from 18-21 because I was away at school and chose to get a job on campus rather than a summer job near home. I got married right after my college graduation and we bought our first home. I was definitely more mature than my peers because I took on a lot of responsibility pretty quickly. I went from dorm room to home ownership in one day! My friends were worried about what to do on Saturday night or what cute shoes to buy. I was worried how I'd pay my oil bill.

My older brother went away to 2 year college, moved to Florida to work, continued his education there, and when he decided to move back to Maine, my parents invited him to move back home. I think he was 23. He paid room and board, paid Mom to do his laundry, provided free babysitting for me (he is much older than I am), and helped with all sorts of things around the house. He got married when he was 28, and moved out just a few months before the wedding. I missed him like crazy (and boy, did my math grade suffer! He was great at helping with my math homework!). I'm so glad he moved back home because it gave me a chance to spend time with my big brother, and my parents liked having him there because he was so helpful. I think each family and individual needs to decide what's right for them. I don't think parents due their children any justice by bailing them out of every tight spot, and I don't think it's right for adult children to expect their parents to care for their every need.

 

[tonilea]

I moved out shortly after turning 18, even though I was still in high school. The atmosphere at home was too tense and angry for me to stay. I don't think my parents understood how my brother pushed my buttons until I was gone and he turned on my other two sisters.

Anyway, it is my opinion that every woman should support herself before she marries. I think it provides confidence in the fact that they can support themselves and don't have to stay in a violent or bad marriage.

On the flip side, if I had stayed at home I would have gone to college.

DS is only five, but my plan is if he needs to live at home, then I will charge a small amount of rent and then when it comes time for him to buy a home, it will be a nice cushion or extra for the down payment.

 

[bluesaturn]

I'm not trying to harp on this becuase its not even something I care about, I really don't care what anyone thinks of my decisions. I just can't understand the arrogance.

If her way, which is better than everyone else's way, produced such an arrogant person, I'd want to run as far as possible from "that way".

 

[disykat]

Except no one has said the kids should be living at home until they are "financially equal to their parents". I want my kids to be able to afford to live a modest but reasonable lifestyle when they move out - not the paid-off 4 bedroom house, three cars, boat, multiple annual vacations life they have with us, but not a studio in a slum with roommates, driving a clunker, charging groceries or stealing ketchup packets either. They'll still have lean years, I'm sure. Just not the extremes of lean that come from being pushed out of the nest before having the financial means to do so.

Just as people have not been saying they are kicking their kids out to starve.
MY side is saying people want to stay home until they are financially equal to their parents - I didn't say you were saying it. My point is that you are putting words in OUR mouths.

 

[snarlingcoyote]

Here's what I got out of being young and broke and on my own: empathy.

You can't know what hunger is unless you been hungry. You can't understand fear unless you've been scared. You really wouldn't understand the concept of funny if you couldn't laugh.

In that vein, you can't understand poverty at a certain level unless you have been poor. Until you have actually tried to decide whether or not you want to get your cracked tooth fixed or keep the electricity on, you don't really get, at a deep, gut level, what it's like to face those kinds of choices. Until you've given your next door neighbor a $10 loan (money you know you'll never see again) so that her kids won't cry every night when they see that the only thing that's for dinner is ramen noodles, you might not understand what it's like for someone to be in that situation.

I think the old method a lot of the middle class used to have - where kids were tossed out to make it on their own following college graduation - was a good thing. You learned to be frugal and you learned what poverty was like so that when you crawled your way back into the middle class, you were charitable and kind and not dense about the challenges others face.

Now that I'm comfortably middle class, I have a lot of peers that were never broke, never without cushions. And honestly, some of them are truly naive and arrogant in ways that just leave me open mouthed with astonishment. Things that I'm just left saying "uhm. . .it's interesting that you think that way" because honestly, I have no idea how to encompass what I think about the limitations of their worldview politely and non-judgementally.

And yes, that is my personal opinion and observation. YMMV.

 

[pearlieq]

But who's to say an adult child isn't responsible for himself or herself just because they are living in the parent's house?

Well, they're living in their parent's house. They're not responsible for keeping themselves housed, at the bare minimum. To me that's a critical part of being responsible for yourself.

"I pay for my food and help with chores" just doesn't compare to "I figured out a workable living situation and I'm responsible for maintaining it".

I don't get why it can't be acknowledged that living in one's parent's home is absolutely not the same as making one's own way. Until you're responsible for keeping yourself off the streets, you cannot claim the same experience. You may still be a decent person, but that's one stripe you didn't earn.

Whether that stripe is critical or not is in the eye of the beholder.

 

[MushyMushy]

It's funny, but I've found just the opposite from people who struggled early on. They have this smugness about them when they see someone else struggling and, say, go on some form of welfare or declare bankruptcy or whatever and get the attitude that they are somehow better for not having to sink to those levels.

YOu just have to read the DIS to see that attitude!

And you've got to be kidding me that being poor somehow makes you more empathetic to suffering!!! I had plenty of empathy for people who had it hard when I was still a child, let alone an adult living at home. My kids are the same way.

 

[Kickapoo Joie Juice]

If her way, which is better than everyone else's way, produced such an arrogant person, I'd want to run as far as possible from "that way".

Repeatedly I stated "this is my opinion". None of my posts said "better than everyone else's way FOR YOU." Everyone does, and believes, what is best for them. Otherwise, we'd change it. So, of course, I think my way is best, you think your way is best. I'm not trying to make you move out of your parent's home, I think most of my intent is to get people to look at the other side. Even if you don't like the other side. Which many of you really, really don't. And that's fine.

Also, if you check my, um, second post on the topic, I believe I said "once we help our children to get set up." Not "Once we kick our children to the curb to starve." It's like playing telephone with these threads sometimes, except there's no excuse for it because it's all been written down.

It's annoying that my opinion, which I hold strongly, is somehow "arrogant" and you feel you have to "run away" from me. I posited my opinion, and I argued with people who disagreed with me. The only difference that I can see is that I'm a LOT more blunt about it than many other posters. Which is how I am in real life. If you have broccoli in your teeth or that dress makes you look fat, I'll tell you.

What I *said* was, and I'll repeat it again, is that experience builds wisdom and adversity builds character. That's what I believe. If you don't believe it, that's fine, as I've said before, It's America, it takes all types.

I also had the thought last night that serving in the military is a great corollary for being out on your own-it's another experience that young people go through that helps to form a stronger, more self-reliant person, I think. But again, just my opinion.