When is it time for kids to move out?

[pearlieq]

I lived in plenty of shared apartments (four girls in a two bedroom, one bath), dingy smelly apartments, and unfurnished apartments I couldn't afford to furnish. I slept on a palate on the floor in an empty apartment for a year when I first lived by myself. Almost no one I knew thought it was strange at all. We were all doing variations on the same theme. Most people I knew also worked a "second job" at some point when they were first starting out.

Now there are tons of people who would never dream of sharing a bathroom with a roommate, living someplace without all the amenities, not being able to "fix up" their place beyond dorm room chic, etc.

Exactly! The crappy apartments, mac & cheese, and milk crate furniture are a very dear part of the young adult experience. You didn't have much, but it was yours and you were making it on your own.

No, we didn't have cable, and yes, you had to share a bathroom. It makes you appreciate what you're able to accomplish as your life comes together. You learn to be resourceful and adaptable and responsible. You learn what's really important. You learn to count on your friends and have them count on you.

You just can't get the same thing at your parents' house.

 

[BethID]

I believe once you get out of college, you need to be out on your own. Time to spread your wings. Twenty years ago people had roommates, lived in less than stellar surroundings and saved money to move up. Nowadays it seems that every 20something wants their parents lifestyle NOW and don't want to pay their dues.

As far as the OP's pharmacist boyfriend, where does his money go? I know he makes in the low six figures, so if anyone can afford to be out on his own after school then he can.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I think it's MOSTLY a cultural thing or a finances thing, but I think there are more and more people for whom it IS a spoiled thing. I think it's a big parenting trend for parents not to want to see their kids struggle. They'll let them stay home until they're ready to buy a house the equivalent of what they've grown up in or better and can afford to fully furnish it.

I lived in plenty of shared apartments (four girls in a two bedroom, one bath), dingy smelly apartments, and unfurnished apartments I couldn't afford to furnish. I slept on a palate on the floor in an empty apartment for a year when I first lived by myself. Almost no one I knew thought it was strange at all. We were all doing variations on the same theme. Most people I knew also worked a "second job" at some point when they were first starting out.

Now there are tons of people who would never dream of sharing a bathroom with a roommate, living someplace without all the amenities, not being able to "fix up" their place beyond dorm room chic, etc.

I WANT my kids to experience the fun of just starting out from nothing. I'm serious about the word fun - it WAS fun.

I think you are really on to something here.
So many people in this thread have said they "cannot afford" a place of their own and would not have roomates.
First off, if I could not afford a place on my own I got roomates. I am an only child--I didn't like having a roomamte, I like my space and am accustomed to privacy (well I was before I had children anyway) You may not want roomates but it what you do. It is possible to find decent, safe people to live with--you do not have to pick random strangers off of Craig's List. It would never have occurred to me to say if I had to have a roomate I would not leave home
Secondly, the whole "cannot afford safe housing in the town I live in on my salary" thing. If you cannot get a job good enough to cover rent on very basic, small, maybe not pretty, but reasonably safe housing in your area then maybe you need to move. Really. Even a minimum wage job will cover rent and utilities and basic food, etc. (but not going out to movies or eating meat every night, etc.) in MANY places in the USA. We have moved all over the country (and now out of it) going where the economics make sense for us. I can see not moving if you have a family with children in school, or elderly parents who truly need your help, etc but otherwise if that is what you ahev to do to grow up and be independant thenit is what you do.

I HAVE seen many, many people who still live at home because they "can't afford" to move out who have new vehicles, go out to dinner often, etc. Many of them could afford rent on one bedrooms in the town they live in for what they are paying on car payments and entertainment alone. They just don't want to give those things up and struggle with no cable, a tiny place, not going out, no furniture, an old car (or walking, or public transport if possible) etc.

I admit I didn't live alone for more than a few months before DH and I were married. We were so poor (but had moved from Colorado where the cost of living was higher than the possible incomes for us) to Arizona to make it work and we sturggled (are lots of pasta, only did laundry after 9 when the water rates went down, etc.) but we DID have fun (like the pp said) and it made us strong and bound us together AND we can be proud of what we have accomplished on our own now that we are older. Besides, you really appreciate things more when you have HAD to make it work without them

These days everyone seems to want the instant gratification of "the good life" right off the bat without having to work up to it.

 

[Colleen27]

Exactly! The crappy apartments, mac & cheese, and milk crate furniture are a very dear part of the young adult experience. You didn't have much, but it was yours and you were making it on your own.

No, we didn't have cable, and yes, you had to share a bathroom. It makes you appreciate what you're able to accomplish as your life comes together. You learn to be resourceful and adaptable and responsible. You learn what's really important. You learn to count on your friends and have them count on you.

You just can't get the same thing at your parents' house.

That's a very idealized view of the experience, though, and not everyone gets that. Many people get irresponsible roommates, get screwed out of money they can't afford to lose, end up with blemishes on their credit records when roommates fail to pony up rent or utility payments, get stolen from and taken advantage of, etc. It is kind of like the discussion about paying one's own way through college - those who did it successfully wax nostalgic about all that they learned while doing so, but no one really talks about the folks who couldn't do it and ended up dropping out.

There are many ways to learn to be resourceful and adaptable and responsible. Living in a crappy apartment in an unsafe area with a roommate that you may or may not be able to trust isn't an essential rite of passage in life.

 

[monkey68]

I believe once you get out of college, you need to be out on your own. Time to spread your wings. Twenty years ago people had roommates, lived in less than stellar surroundings and saved money to move up. Nowadays it seems that every 20something wants their parents lifestyle NOW and don't want to pay their dues.

As far as the OP's pharmacist boyfriend, where does his money go? I know he makes in the low six figures, so if anyone can afford to be out on his own after school then he can.

It's not that he can't afford it, his money is going into savings. And to pay back his loans from school. He would rather save up to buy something than to spend money on rent when his parents offer him a place to live for free. And he does help around the house, it's not like he doesn't do anything. He does all the yardwork stuff, fixing things in the house, etc.

As for the people who said it was fun living in unfurnished apartments, I can't see my parents ever letting that happen. My mom's view is that she will help me when I need it for as long as she is able, so if that means I need furniture, she'll buy me furniture. Maybe it has to do with how she was raised, both my parents grew up in the USSR, where you shared a small room with the entire family, and everyone slept on one mattress. You shared a kitchen with the entire apartment, and a bathroom with everyone on the floor. So maybe that's why they wouldn't want us in that situation? To them, it was anything but fun, and that's why they came to the US. It's the whole, "We came to this country to give you a better life" so if their kids ended up sleeping on a mattress on the floor, to them, it's like they failed in that regard, I guess, so they don't really push the whole moving out thing? It might also be why people stay at home until marriage, you used to not be able to get an apartment unless you were married, so maybe old habits die hard?

As for the poster that asked about having a personal relationship, I won't go into details, but it's not really a problem... we don't do sleepovers, but that really wouldn't be practical for us anyway since we don't live near each other. Oh, and neither him nor I have kiddie sheets. Both of our parents treat us as adults, and no, nothing goes on when they're home, I personally wouldn't feel comfortable with that, and neither would he.

 

[pearlieq]

That's a very idealized view of the experience, though, and not everyone gets that. Many people get irresponsible roommates, get screwed out of money they can't afford to lose, end up with blemishes on their credit records when roommates fail to pony up rent or utility payments, get stolen from and taken advantage of, etc.

That actually did happen. More than once. Part of the experience is learning how to deal with it. People manage and it demonstrates the kind of stuff they're made of.

Having the starving young adult experience isn't an essential part of human development. Plenty of people stay with their parents for extended periods of time and turn out OK. But, in my opinion, (and that's all it is) making your own way is worth more. All things being equal, I will always have more respect for someone who struck out versus staying at home.

 

[jessily]

To the OP, I think it's wonderful that your family is so supportive.

When my parents were my age, they were already married and had me. They lived 10 hrs away from their families. They did some extreme budgeting and worked their way from small apartments to a small house. Seems every stage of their life was done at an earlier age than in my life.

I've lived in crummy apartments, lived with up to 7 roommates at one time (in a 3 bdrm apt), and gone to extremes to save money. Yes, I have wonderful memories of those times and they helped me grow as a person. I'm now doing fine on my own, saving money and paying off student loans MUCH faster than they are due. I see nothing wrong with moving home for a few months to save money so that I can be rid of the student loans and start saving for a house. I don't see families supporting one another and young adults saving money as wanting instant gratification. Now of course there are exceptions to that statement.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Exactly! The crappy apartments, mac & cheese, and milk crate furniture are a very dear part of the young adult experience. You didn't have much, but it was yours and you were making it on your own.

No, we didn't have cable, and yes, you had to share a bathroom. It makes you appreciate what you're able to accomplish as your life comes together. You learn to be resourceful and adaptable and responsible. You learn what's really important. You learn to count on your friends and have them count on you.

You just can't get the same thing at your parents' house.

Oh yea...dh and I recount our early yrs. when we lived together and went to college.

We lived in a furnished apartment (bed and dresser)...oo, la, la....NOT! We brought a old nasty couch and that was the extent of our furnishings.

It was a converted slumlord house. We had I think 12 people living above us, someone next to us, another couple in another converted apartment.
And we had raccoons in the chimney in our bedroom.

You could take a shower, go to the bathroom and brush your teeth at the same time. We had to light the furnace with a match. We had no phone and no TV.

When you were in the shower you had to jump out of the way when the toilet flushed or you would be scalded to death.

It was 220 a month, all utilities included.

I would not have traded that for the world. Granted it was in a college town so you felt safe, because everyone was in the same boat.

The kids love to hear our tales.

 

[brockash]

I don't know if there's some kind of special age, and honestly I don't really get what the big deal is either I moved out as soon as I graduated high school, and was very excited about it and happy to have my own place ect. 6 years later and 2 kids later I moved back home for 4 months while we selling my house and while there was absolutely an adjustment, and times that I just wanted my own house ect. now that I'm gone again, I really do kinda miss it, and them (my younger 2 sisters still lived at home as well.) If I was being completely honest, I'd say really I'd rather live with my sisters than anyone else, so I think a lot of it has to do with the relationship you have with the ppl at home. I think some do stay at home just to be lazy ect., but I don't know, I hated having to say that I lived at home for those 4 months because of the stigma that came with it, but I really do miss it now and miss seeing them every single day, and so do my kiddos (we now live in a different state, so I'm sure that has a little to do with it, but still)

 

[Darcy03231]

As long as my kids are in school they can live with us rent free. Once they're working they can still live at home, but they will need to pay rent in proportion to their income. DH and I are not supporting them forever. Our plan is to bank the rent money they pay us and give it back to them when they're ready to buy their first house. I also wouldn't have any issue with a child moving back in if they were in transition somehow due to divorce, job loss, illness, etc.

 

[NHdisneylover]

That's a very idealized view of the experience, though, and not everyone gets that. Many people get irresponsible roommates, get screwed out of money they can't afford to lose, end up with blemishes on their credit records when roommates fail to pony up rent or utility payments, get stolen from and taken advantage of, etc. It is kind of like the discussion about paying one's own way through college - those who did it successfully wax nostalgic about all that they learned while doing so, but no one really talks about the folks who couldn't do it and ended up dropping out.

There are many ways to learn to be resourceful and adaptable and responsible. Living in a crappy apartment in an unsafe area with a roommate that you may or may not be able to trust isn't an essential rite of passage in life.

I agree with the pp who said it is not the only way to grow up or any true rigth of passage, but it is way to be a stronger person and learn a lot.

Like that PP I had many of those types of issues (roomate ran up a $900 phone bill in one month and skipped out, waking up at 2:00 a.m. in a basement apartment to 4 inches of water in the floor and water pouring through the ceiling and knowing those who lived upstairs were out of town, one apartment whose sewer line backed up into the bathroom every few weeks and plenty more). I learned how to cope and handle these things. I am glad I already had expereince with this junk before I had kids becuase handling this type of thing with a little one in tow takes more juggling and I needed some confidence from prior success in getting out of jams to get through a couple of times

 

[Aisling]

It makes you appreciate what you're able to accomplish as your life comes together. You learn to be resourceful and adaptable and responsible. You learn what's really important. You learn to count on your friends and have them count on you.

You just can't get the same thing at your parents' house.

My parents did. As well as DH and I, his siblings, my siblings, many friends etc. We all lived at home until we were married and did indeed learn all those things. But I do understand your point.

These days everyone seems to want the instant gratification of "the good life" right off the bat without having to work up to it.

I don't know about that. My 23 year old who lives at home is definitely working up to "the good life". That means he's saving every extra penny, can't afford to take a vacation, buy expensive clothes or eat out much. His first car was a $500 jalopy that he paid for himself while going to school. I'm sure many people have fond memories of mac and cheese with 4 roommates in the rundown apartment, but if I can help my son avoid that, I will. I truly don't believe anyone "needs" that to make them into responsible adults. I can see it being fun sometimes, though.

That actually did happen. More than once. Part of the experience is learning how to deal with it. People manage and it demonstrates the kind of stuff they're made of.

Having the starving young adult experience isn't an essential part of human development. Plenty of people stay with their parents for extended periods of time and turn out OK. But, in my opinion, (and that's all it is) making your own way is worth more. All things being equal, I will always have more respect for someone who struck out versus staying at home.

I guess I see it differently because my son will be making his own way. It will just begin at 24 instead of 18. Even though he will not have gone through the "starving years" in his own apt at age 18, he'll still go through the struggles of a young adult being responsible for his mortgage, car payments, utility bills, etc. I truly don't understand why the age of 18 is the correct age for someone to have gone out on their own.

Think of kids who have a great job right out of high school, like union workers. Did they miss out on anything because they had money right from the start?

By the way, I truly do respect all of your opinions, even while I disagree with some.

 

[shortbun]

I left home really early because my mother told me I should. There were many days when all I had to eat was bread, cheap bread. Sometimes we'd splurge and get eggs; that was when eggs were cheap. it was awful. My parents had plenty but didn't want their children hanging around-whole other thread. They never offered to give me money. I would not have asked because they would have humiliated me. I made it. I was lucky. I did not consider it a character building experience nor do I now. I worked two or three jobs. I was in danger a lot of the time. There are loads of people who don't make it and more now than when I was that age. A child is 'ready' to leave home when they can support themselves. Have them pay rent and save it for them. Require them to be productive members of the household - cook, clean, contribute. Keep teaching them until they are 'ready.' Hey, my kid thinks he's ready to leave now, lol!!! He IS capable of doing everything required in a functioning household except-make enough money. Someday.

 

[LindaG4458]

My Mom was raised that children stayed at home and helped support the family until they married. That is what she did.

It is fine to live at home if you are treated as an adult. Her attitude was that we had to follow all the same rules as when we were 15. There was a curfew, we shouldn't drink, no overnights either at home or elsewhere....

A cousin and I had planned to get an apartment when I graduated college. Instead I was engaged during my senior year and was married 3 weeks after classes ended. Those three weeks, living at home, were unbearable. My brother flitted back and forth before, after, and during his two marriages. She died when he was 38, and he still had to follow those rules when he lived there.

 

[smartestnumber5]

If we were still in the 1200sq ft ranch we just moved out of, yeah, I think awkward would be an understatement!

That's exactly the type of house I grew up in (and where my parents still live), so yeah that definitely colors my experience of what it would be like to still live with my parents! (Actually now there is also a finished, but very run down, basement that is theirs; my grandmother used to live there as an apartment of her own. If that space were part of the equation privacy would be much easier to achieve.)

I think you are really on to something here.
So many people in this thread have said they "cannot afford" a place of their own and would not have roomates.

I think the financial issues are interesting. I have no real objection to people choosing to live at home in order to save money to be able to afford a mortgage or a better apartment or whatever. But I do think it's interesting that people are saying they can't afford to leave home, even over a span of years.

I'm a graduate student and mostly surrounded by graduate students almost all of us moved across the country (many moved from other countries) in order to come to our PhD programs. Generally at my university grad students are given teaching assignments or fellowships that pay between $15-22,000 a year. The cost of living in the area I live in is apparently high (higher than Chicago is the comparison I've seen a lot) even though it's not a metropolitan area. I know that in extremely expensive areas--Manhattan and Orange County, CA--graduate schools often offer reduced price housing, but other than a bit of a break there, the teaching salaries and fellowship stipends aren't much different. I guess it's just a different way of life, but it just isn't an option in my circle of colleagues and friends to live at home in order to save money or for any other reason.

I also was thinking maybe in addition to cultural issues there are also class issues regarding the living at home. My parents have always been working class/lower middle class--they don't make much money. Last tax year GF and I together probably made about the same amount of money as my parents did (although that was a very unusual year for us). But even most years, we aren't making all that much less than my parents. So for me I can't really imagine living with my parents in order to save money, when they don't have much more money (and they are going to have to retire soon). Maybe they should be the ones living with us so that they can save money for retirement!

I'm not into romanticizing the experience of living in a slum like student apartment, having to eat ramen, etc. If moving out of my parents house meant *that*, then I'd still be living there! As it is, we live a pretty inexpensive apartment buildings for the area. It's a little old, a little run down. On the uglier side of town. But maintenance is good, we can afford fruits and vegetables, we have some spending $ (some years quite a lot of spending $). And so for us we'd absolutely rather have to wait longer to buy a house or get a smaller house when we do buy rather than have lived with parents for these years.

 

[disneyfav4ever]

I was 24 when I moved out of my parents house, but a lot of my friends still live at home. I see nothing wrong with living at home until you feel you are ready to move out, or unless there are major problems at home.

 

[ORMom2Four]

Here's my view. If you are old enough to hold down a job and are not in school, you need to be out making your own way in the world. You should not be depending on your parents for food/shelter/clothing or any type of support.

(and yes, I practiced what I preach....I moved out when I was 18 years old.....)

 

[taximomfor4]

My kids aren't quite there yet, but I feel that if they are working toward their future, they can stay home. Meaning, going to school, working toward a degree. If they are just working, they will contribute a bit to the household AND be saving toward moving out.

 

[Mickeyistheman]

Safety is a very big issue especially if you are a woman, no offense gentlemen. But we get taken for granted alot and people think we are easy prey. Where I am from a studio apt. in a safe area is $1250....that is just the rent, that is not the utilities and let me tell you they have gone up wayyyyy up in my area. That isn't my cell phone bill, my car payment, my credit card bills (2) my car insurance, medical insurance, food and I mean bar minimum for a single person oh and yes gas is a must as well. That to me would be the bar minimum that a person would need to get by.


I, even on what I was making before could not afford to do that and for those that say get a second job...when can I do that when I work at least 8 hours a day at least. Its not worth it to get that second job, you wind up never being in your apt. so what is the point of the whole experience...hating life and hating your job. Sorry no thank you.

If my parents did not need me for help when they did I would have found another apt at that time, struggles and hopefully would have been fine but that is not the path that God chose for me, this was. It is not ideal but my family needed me and I chose to help them. I saw my mother struggle as a single mom, I remember the day we got robbed in our apt., we lived in the projects it wasn't fun.

I just don't get why its okay if its a cultural thing but if its not then I am a bad person? I also agree with a PP that said if someone that I am dating has an issue with my living with my parents b/c he can't get what he needs....then he can move on to someone else. That is completely disrespectful IMO

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I'm not into romanticizing the experience of living in a slum like student apartment, having to eat ramen, etc. If moving out of my parents house meant *that*, then I'd still be living there! As it is, we live a pretty inexpensive apartment buildings for the area. It's a little old, a little run down. On the uglier side of town. But maintenance is good, we can afford fruits and vegetables, we have some spending $ (some years quite a lot of spending $). And so for us we'd absolutely rather have to wait longer to buy a house or get a smaller house when we do buy rather than have lived with parents for these years.

I don't consider my comments romanticized. We actually had fun living there.

Lots of friends, all in the same boat. We only stayed there a yr and moved out into a duplex. However it was good to get out and see you could make it on your own.

Heck my sister has 2 places she lived in that were worse. One was a converted garage and the other was a slanted house.

Then again we did not come from a fancy homes and it didn't seem like it was "awful" to us.

Maybe that is the difference.