When is a "it's just a boy being a boy", not?

[OceanAnnie]

Frustrated!

In a nutshell I was driving my DS's friend home yesterday after a play date. The boy starts telling my DS, "You're ugly, you're stupid.". !? And was kind of wrestling with him. I told "them" that's enough and had to reprimand "them" quite a bit on the drive. But it was the friend I was speaking to. My son didn't say any of those words or say anything to precipitate that and was fending the child off. The boy was leaning all over my son and saying this stuff. What is the deal with that? It was strange to me. We had a talk about it later. I asked him what he thought about being called those names. He said, he didn't like it. I asked him why he didn't tell him and he said he was ignoring it. It's his best friend.

Have you had this sort of experience? Where do you draw the line?

 

[Tinijocaro]

I would (and have) absolutely address the child and let him know that he isn't allowed to speak that way or he will not be invited back. Of course do it nicely but in no uncertain terms.

 

[Mermaid02]

I hate the "boys being boys" attitude. Bad behavior is bad behavior.

 

[OceanAnnie]

I would (and have) absolutely address the child and let him know that he isn't allowed to speak that way or he will not be invited back. Of course do it nicely but in no uncertain terms.

I wish I had done exactly that.

 

[OceanAnnie]

I hate the "boys being boys" attitude. Bad behavior is bad behavior.

Me too. We don't allow it with ours. I should have been more firm with the boy.

 

[Mermaid02]

Me too. We don't allow it with ours. I should have been more firm with the boy.

Well, now you know what you will do when it happens again!

 

[OceanAnnie]

Well, now you know what you will do when it happens again!

Yes. Now I have to remind my self not to swing to the extreme and pounce with all fours when things go awry. (j/k sort of)

 

[loveysbydesign]

Just curious..how old are the boys and does your ds have any other close friends?
I don't think that behavior is appropriate but does your ds put up with it because it is the only close freind he has?

 

[Mrs. Charming]

I hate the "boys being boys" attitude. Bad behavior is bad behavior.

Exactly!

 

[Holly]

My son (11) has a friend who sounds very similar.
The boy calls names and is always punching my son. When he was here two times ago he kicked my son in the groin.
DS didn't tell me until after he had gone home.
When his mother called the next time to ask if ds wanted to go over I asked him and he said no, and I explained to the mother exactly why

A few weeks went by and they got together again, and the other boy was much better behaved. I'm hoping it continues.

Good luck

loveysbydesign- that is the case with my son. He has Asperger's and isn't very outgoing/ has a hard time making friends. I was very glad that he decided for himself that his friend's behavior was unacceptable and didn't want him to come over for awhile.

 

[marcyinPA]

I hate the "boys being boys" attitude. Bad behavior is bad behavior.

When I think of the phrase "Boys will be boys", I usually think of it meaning that they are a little rough, rambunctious, impulsive, fearless, and find things like farts and burps funny. I don't consider being mean spirited, rude or disrespectful to be part of the "boys will be boys" attitude. If he is calling your DS names, and rough-housing with your DS against your DS's wishes, then he is a bully, not a boy being a boy.

 

[OceanAnnie]

Just curious..how old are the boys and does your ds have any other close friends?
I don't think that behavior is appropriate but does your ds put up with it because it is the only close freind he has?

My son (11) has a friend who sounds very similar.
The boy calls names and is always punching my son. When he was here two times ago he kicked my son in the groin.
DS didn't tell me until after he had gone home.
When his mother called the next time to ask if ds wanted to go over I asked him and he said no, and I explained to the mother exactly why

A few weeks went by and they got together again, and the other boy was much better behaved. I'm hoping it continues.

Good luck

loveysbydesign- that is the case with my son. He has Asperger's and isn't very outgoing/ has a hard time making friends. I was very glad that he decided for himself that his friend's behavior was unacceptable and didn't want him to come over for awhile.

With friends like these (punching and name calling) who needs enemies?

I'm hoping our discussions will help our son come around to the same conclusion.

 

[OceanAnnie]

When I think of the phrase "Boys will be boys", I usually think of it meaning that they are a little rough, rambunctious, impulsive, fearless, and find things like farts and burps funny. I don't consider being mean spirited, rude or disrespectful to be part of the "boys will be boys" attitude. If he is calling your DS names, and rough-housing with your DS against your DS's wishes, then he is a bully, not a boy being a boy.

It didn't have that "feel". I don't think the boy meant to be a bully, if that makes sense. I truly think he was doing it in "fun". That's the way it appeared. It was just odd.

 

[marcyinPA]

It didn't have that "feel". I don't think the boy meant to be a bully, if that makes sense. I truly think he was doing it in "fun". That's the way it appeared. It was just odd.

I know what you are saying. I teach preschool (2 year olds!) and there are some boys in my class who are really REALLY rough. They aren't mean spirited, and will apologize if they hurt someone, but they like to rough-house. During parent teacher conferences, we mentioned it to the parents. Turns out that in most cases, Dad likes to wrestle with the little guy, and they rough-house quite a bit. In other cases, little one has an older brother who they try to keep up with. In other words, they do this at home and the parents don't find it inappropriate. Maybe that is what is happening with your DS's friend....

 

[dcentity2000]

I hate the "boys being boys" attitude. Bad behavior is bad behavior.

Pre-programmed behaviour in young children is designed to be honed and corrected in order to shape them into adults. It may just be "boys being boys" but that doesn't exempt them from correctional responses.



Rich::

 

[OceanAnnie]

I know what you are saying. I teach preschool (2 year olds!) and there are some boys in my class who are really REALLY rough. They aren't mean spirited, and will apologize if they hurt someone, but they like to rough-house. During parent teacher conferences, we mentioned it to the parents. Turns out that in most cases, Dad likes to wrestle with the little guy, and they rough-house quite a bit. In other cases, little one has an older brother who they try to keep up with. In other words, they do this at home and the parents don't find it inappropriate. Maybe that is what is happening with your DS's friend....

Yes. I have a feeling that's the case. I think the boy doesn't have the parameters on how to speak to people that we have either. He has a touch of sarcasm that seems a little "worldly" and never is one to say thank you or please. I know families/people are different and handle things differently. It just seems like our worlds kind of collided yesterday. I didn't want to make too much of any one thing. But it was rather much to me.

 

[MichelleVW]

I would (and have) absolutely address the child and let him know that he isn't allowed to speak that way or he will not be invited back. Of course do it nicely but in no uncertain terms.

Same here. I never let my children talk to anyone like that, and I certainly wouldn't allow it from another child in my presence.

I know sometimes things happen and you're just kind of shocked and not sure what to do, but next time I would definitely tell that boy the kind of behavior you accept and any other behavior he will be sent packing home!

 

[4greatboys]

I hate the "boys being boys" attitude. Bad behavior is bad behavior.

MTE! I have 4 boys. None of them have gone around acting like that and calling people names. If a kid misbehaves it is a behavorial issuse, not a gender issue.

 

[marcyinPA]

The name-calling piece of your story still bothers me though. If this boy called someone "stupid" or "ugly" in school on a regular basis, they would be considered a bully. And I think they certainly would be considered a bully if they went around punching people too... It kind of makes you wonder if someone is name-calling this boy at home?! Do you know the parents at all?

Regardless, I'd be hesitant to send my DS to this child's house and I would probably not invite the child over to mine anytime soon.

(my oldest DS had a friend over when he was in first grade. The boy was jumping all over my furniture! I have never allowed my children to do that and they know better. I asked this boy 2 or 3 times to stop, and he continued. He was allowed to do it at home. I could not wait for his mother to pick him up. Needless to say, he was never invited back for a play date. I find it scary that some children don't see other adults as authority figures and don't follow the rules of the house they are at. Even a first grader should know that if the parent in charge says "We don't do that here", they need to stop the behavior!)

 

[OceanAnnie]

The name-calling piece of your story still bothers me though. If this boy called someone "stupid" or "ugly" in school on a regular basis, they would be considered a bully. And I think they certainly would be considered a bully if they went around punching people too... It kind of makes you wonder if someone is name-calling this boy at home?! Do you know the parents at all?

Regardless, I'd be hesitant to send my DS to this child's house and I would probably not invite the child over to mine anytime soon.

(my oldest DS had a friend over when he was in first grade. The boy was jumping all over my furniture! I have never allowed my children to do that and they know better. I asked this boy 2 or 3 times to stop, and he continued. He was allowed to do it at home. I could not wait for his mother to pick him up. Needless to say, he was never invited back for a play date. I find it scary that some children don't see other adults as authority figures and don't follow the rules of the house they are at. Even a first grader should know that if the parent in charge says "We don't do that here", they need to stop the behavior!)

The name calling does bother me. I don't get the feel that it's "allowed" at home. I have the impression that his parents don't monitor him that closely. It was just weird. The way he said the words gave me the impression he didn't mean them, it was a kidding, goading type of playing. It's foreign to me, but all I can say is it had a different feel than bullying. It still wasn't acceptable, but I don't think he meant it harshly. It's just hard to explain.

I am hesitant to send my child over. Very. It had been awhile since they had a play date and it was spur of the moment yesterday.

I know what you mean about children that don't accept adults as authority figures. This child was like that to a degree. I had to tell him several times to stop what he was doing. I had one kid over and he stuffed his pockets with my son's toys (pre-K) while he was preparing to leave. I had to pat him down to retrieve everything. He wasn't invited back.

Sometimes, it seems you see it all.