when grandparent picks favorite...

[crazy4disney01]

what do you do?

My parents go see my niece (1) at least once a month and haven't came to our house since January. At Christmas they gave my niece a floor full of toys and it was so bad my DD (4) who had been so looking forward to opening presents left her clothes and crap they got her to see what her cousin was getting. My brother has always been their favorite since we were little so I guess this shouldn't be a shock but I don't want to care-I do really good not caring for a few weeks then I get angry and somewhat hurt. I told my mom in Jan. in a nice way how I felt about Christmas then it was "oh poor me" drama and they haven't been back since. I'm not close to my brother and his wife is a ***** so it's a joy not seeing them. They have to have what we have plus one better if you know what I mean. All about them and how great they are.

So, talking to her doesn't work-I just want to protect my DD from getting her feelings hurt when she understands what's going on. Too, my parents and I don't see eye-to-eye(probally never have). They don't understand paying $$$$$ for private school, going to WDW, and eating at restaurants where the food is more than $7-10.

How can I get past the anger and not care anymore! Thanks in advance!

 

[tnkbl]

Are you my sisiter in law? But this is what I say about you!
I try my best not to let it bother me, but this is my mother in law and not mother, so there is a big difference. I have come to hat to go to my in laws when there is gift giving involved. My MIL has as gone so far as to give SIL (her DIL) a birthday gift and ignore mine, they are 2 days apart!
Some people just don't get it until the tables are turned and they see how it feels. Good Luck with this!

Sherri

 

[BriarfoxinWA]

I have a similar situation with my in-laws. Not so much with the gifts but just the attention they shower on my nephew vs. my own boys. My SIL is a spoiled )%*$($, single mom, that lives way beyond her means thanks to my MIL. MIL supports her and watches her son so that she can go spend the weekends with men she meets on the internet . SIL actually had to nerve to tell me once "Don't you think that grandparents in general are closer to their daughter's children?" I told her "No I think grandparents choose to be involved or not and it has nothing to do with whether it's their daughter or sons kids."

We have always invited MIL & FIL to the boys sporting events - since they were in 5 yr. old soccer and I can count on one hand the number of times they actually showed up. I quit telling the boys that I'd invited them because they would were so dissappointed when they didn't show up.

I'm fortunate that my parents spend lots of time with the boys. Over the years we have just distanced ourselves from them - the in-laws. We still invite them but they rarely show up. They do come for birthdays and after the huge fight that my SIL picked with me at Christmas - I'm not sure what we will do next year.

My advice FWIW is show up later, after the other grandchild has opened their gifts. That way your little one won't be so apt to compare the gifts. My SIL has issues with my boys so after the Christmas Fiasco I will not subject my kids to her presence. If there is an event going at her house - we (the boys and I) won't go. I'm going to invite her to my youngests b'day party on Monday. It's at a local restaurant and we won't have to interact with her if she's going to decide to be a drama queen. I know she has some problem with my kids - jealousy or something so I have decided to limit contact with her. The kids don't need the heartache - although my 15 yr old understands the 10 yr old doesn't.

Sorry to ramble on!

 

[marlasmom]

I cannot imagine. I have 5 grandchildren and I have 5 favorites.

Even when I mail packages occasionally when I find something that is especially nice for one of the kids, I will "make it up" to the other family by sending something later or taking them shopping when they visit. BTW I never send to one child in a family. Both my son and dd have 2 kids each and I ALWAYS give something to each child. The last time I took my gd and gs shopping, my gs picked out a game, but also looked longingly at a book. I told him to get them both and he said he didn't want me to spend so much $. He is a 7-year old sweetheart. I told him that I'm a grandma and that's my job. We then found an extra present for his sister.

Now that I've lectured about how things should be, I suggest you have a heart-to-heart chat with your mil. Surely she doesn't realize she is hurting your dd's feelings. If that doesn't work, I would avoid all gift-giving occasions.

I just realized it's your mother - not your mil. In a way I'm sorry for her. She will miss so much.

 

[my3kids]

My kids tended to get whatever was on the sale rack of the toy store regardless of their interest from my inlaws. One child is kept daily by the gm, taken to DisneyWorld, etc. The grand neices and nephews are revered and discussed to my children about how wonderful they are and what they have done and accomplished. I don't think my kids have even noticed it though. It is just how the GM is.

 

[BriarfoxinWA]

have to add - that I don't think you can completely get past the hurt/anger. I just decided that it's not worth dwelling on it and move on. I keep the door open if they decide to see what they are missing out on - but you can't force them to spend time with your family. There are many more things to do out there than worry about having your in-laws pay attention to your kids. Take the family someplace fun - like WDW and forget about them!

 

[Stacerita]

what do you do?

Im on the other side of the fence with this. Its my sweetpea that my parents spoil. My brother has 3 kids and they dont live close by. Its hard for me to see them do so much for the sweetpea when they aren't doing the same for my nephews. We've talked about it and they do try, but they tell me its just not the same.

For gift giving holidays or birthdays, what my parents get for all the kids is equal. No one gets more or less. That is, while everyone is around. Either before or after my sweetpea will have gotten her "extra" gifts from my parents. They realize that they give her more and do more, but they dont want to other kids to feel bad about it.

They go to quite a few of her games (softball and baseball) but are only able to make it to a small few of ny nephews' games (soccer). I encourage them to go to the games of the boys and tell them its not necessary to go to all of the sweetpea's. But they want to.

THe sweetpea is really close to them and they have a great relationship, but it is hard to see that she is favored more than her cousins. There are quite a few reasons why I think that is.....she was the first born, shes the only girl, we live close, Im closer to my parents than my brother, and she is an only child, while they have 3. Doesn't make it right, but it happens.

My parents are aware of them playing faves, and although we work on it, it may never balance out totally. So I try to make it less obvious and keep on my parents to not do what they do.

My brother has never said anything, even though Im sure he sees it. I see it. And it bothers me. We can only work on it. My parents are working on it. They dont want to play faves if they can. Its just hard for them. Hard for all of us. But we haven't let it become a problem. As far as we know, they kids dont really see a difference. Im close to my nephews so we talk and the sweetpea hasn't said anything either.

I would talk to MIL and really make sure she sees how it affects your DD. She might not totally be seeing the big picture on it. And if she doesn't change, let it go. Distance yourself and keep your DD's best interest in mind. And honestly, if she still continues to favor the other child without caring about your DD's feelings, she wont care that you guys distanced yourself. Cold I know, but thats how I see it. If she does try, give her a little slack while she changes her habits. No one can change over night. But if she isn't willing to try or to even listen to you. Forget her.

 

[Bbgrizzle]

My MIL plays favorites, and the worst thing is, it's among my 3 kids! She favors my older DD and has always given her more gifts than my younger DD's. This could be because older DD (who is actually my stepdaughter) was abandoned by her mother and so grandma helped my DH take care of her for a couple years until we got married when DD was 2 1/2. I'm sure that has a lot to do with it, but still, it really sucks when my younger girls notice the difference. It's not their fault.

 

[lindakmonty]

It happens everyday and it does hurt feelings. Our kids are usually to young to understand. My own parents play favorites big time. My parents divorced when I was only 3. My dad was never around until I was about 16! Now, he built my sister a house, mows her grass (which takes 6 hours!), takes her kids to gymnastics, to dance etc. He charged her $100 a week for labor while building the house!!! She is married w/3 kids. When I left my ex because he was abusive and and horrible to my ds... he charged me to help me move out! He charged me $40 to put a mailbox in!!! Its not my fault he wasn't as close to me since he decided to sleep around on my mom 25 years ago!! But, you know what...he's the one missing out. He gets my ds 2 or 3 coloring books for Christmas but when he needed a vehicle, I was the one that bought it for him! Not anymore... I don't call him or anything anymore. It's not worth the heartache. We all live w/in 20 minutes of each other so distance has nothing to do with it either. My mom does favor my ds... but probably since what we've been through and how my dad is.. ds was the first gs and we lived w/her after leaving my ex... well, it was my house, I paid the bills but she rented off me...weird I know Thankfully I do keep in contact w/my ex-inlaws for my son. They deserve to see my ds. My ex and them no longer speak after what he did to us. Good luck! I know it's hard not to let it get to you!

 

[grlpwrd]

My sister, brothers, and I were the unfavored kids in my dad's family. My mom shielded us as much as she could, but we knew. Kids know these things and I we couldn't change it, but we did change our reaction to it. Instead of being mad and upset I actually pitied my grandmother and my dad's family for not knowing the wonderful me. It really is their loss. Yes, they are the one's missing out.

As for my mom's mom - my maternal grandma - she favored me, but she was always the type who favored those of us who she thought had "broken wings." I was very vocal as a child and let her know it wasn't fair and even as an adult I would tell her "what about my sister and brothers?" If you're a favored one I do think we have a responsibility to speak up. The adults should have done it, but I had to.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

How can I get past the anger and not care anymore! Thanks in advance!

Well when it comes to this kind of crap, you have to distance yourself. There is just no other way. You have talked to them and they told you to pound sand, right?

Now how to get past the anger.
#1) You stop talking about it to people, ESP YOUR HUSBAND!!!!! Never bring it up to him. This is magic, believe me. I know it seems dumb, but keeping it positive will heal you.
Rehashing makes it worse. A technique I use, is that when I find myself wallowing I redirect myself to the good things in my life and/or do something nice for dh/kids/friend.

As far as caring, I don't think you can turn that off. I did move 600 miles away and it did help me. But I think you will always want what you can't have from your family dynamic.
My new philosophy of life is to MOVE FORWARD, not live in the past, make good choices even if they are hard, etc..
I do not want to ruin my kids family with my extended family's baloney. I am 41, and it goes on & on & on & on...
It never ends, which is why I moved...I needed a BREAK!

 

[froglady]

I was my step-grandmother's favorite. Why? DM was an only child, SGM married late in life and didn't really like children...especially boys. I have 4 brothers. I must admit that SGM didn't really interact with me until I was a teenager- almost an adult. She was the way she was, and her life was probably poorer for it.

My children are also the "favorites", DD more than DS. (Due to my parents age and health) I was the only child who didn't "have" to get married, didn't get in trouble with the law, didn't get divorced (all of my bothers save one have multiple marriages), move back home, and expect Mom, who was working full time, to watch my children all weekend. But I was also the only one who invited them on vacations, went out of my way for them when they were sick (even when they were much younger) and remembered birthdays, mother's day, and father's day. I was the "reliable" one, and I think their attention to my children was a way for them to "reward" me.

The downside is that I'm the one who had/has to take care of them in their old age.

 

[N.Bailey]

My mother died when my son was around 3 or so and my daughter around 2. She did show a preference for my son one time when we showed up and my mom had a couple of her friends at the house. She immediately grabbed for my son and said, can you tell who my favorite is? I just gave her that really mean eye and we never had another incident. My daughter had just been born at this time and she was just in love with my son. Over the course of the next couple years though, I could tell she loved them equally.

My MIL does choose favorites. One thing she doesn't do however is give more to one than she gives the others. Of her 11 grandchildren, she really adores my son and my one nephew who's 2 years older than my son. I really don't have any problems with the partiality though because these 2 boys LOVE their grandparents and BEG to go there every chance they get. My son would spend every waking moment helping them around the house if we'd allow it. In turn, they hand him money all the time. He works for it, but everyone knows he'd do it for nothing. He just enjoys keeping busy and his pap doesn't ever stop working and his mamaw is an incredible cook and buys LOTS of ice cream. The other nephew (drives now) goes to see them every chance he gets too. Not too many of the others just show up for no reason to see how they're doing or if they need anything. It's usually only at gift giving time that they come around for the most part. All in all, I don't blame my in-laws at all.

That does not mean however that they don't love all their grandchildren because they absolutely do and as I said above, they all get the same gifts (money) for bdays, Christmas, weddings, graduations etc....

 

[cats mom]

My MIL plays favorites, and the worst thing is, it's among my 3 kids! She favors my older DD and has always given her more gifts than my younger DD's. This could be because older DD (who is actually my stepdaughter) was abandoned by her mother and so grandma helped my DH take care of her for a couple years until we got married when DD was 2 1/2. I'm sure that has a lot to do with it, but still, it really sucks when my younger girls notice the difference. It's not their fault.

Yep, my MIL does something similar. I think she actually tries to keep the material gifts somewhat even... although the girls each got a complete outfit including shoes this trip and DS (age 10) got underwear.
Yea, he was thrilled.


But she and my FIL just left here this morning after visiting for a few days and I can't tell you how many times Grandma complimented DD#1. Complimented her on her clothes, her hair, her beautiful skin, her wonderful attitude, her good grades, etc. etc.
It's so very obvious and so very hurtful for DD#2 who also has great clothes, hair, skin, attitude (well, not always... ) and grades but was largely ignored by Grandma.
(DD#2 got better grades than DD#1 last semester btw)
Go figure.

Honestly it's so obvious that we laugh about it after she leaves and then I try to make it up to whoever was slighted. In fact DS and I are heading to Best Buy in just a bit to find something better than underwear.
But it's tough to completely make it up when it's feelings that are hurt.

OP: hugs to you and your DD!

 

[Dznypal]

its with my younger brother and his wife and her family----

every holiday is spent with her side!!

at first my mom didnt let it bother her but now its started to get on her nerves

my mom hardly every sees those kids--

I cant remember the last time little brother was at a family holiday not to mention the family trips our parents take us on every other year--they went on the first one which was in 1994 we went to the Bahamas on a cruise!! since then we've been to Hawaii 3 times my son got married there 2 years ago so they missed the first nephew to get married!! my borther did come do the little reception we had after we got back but SIL and kids didnt come also weve been to Grand Cayman yet they've been WDW at least 3 times with her parents!!!

I have one other brother and a sister who all have kids and we all get along great--we have so much fun on the trips and holidays.

Tomorrow is DD bridal shower--this SIL called not me whose family but the maid of honor to say she wasnt coming!!!

It'll be fun to see if they come to the wedding in Aug.

oh well

 

[Hannathy]

Stacerita believe me the kids know! My DD would tell me about the extra presents her cousin got before we would get there on Xmas and birthday's. My MIL is the same way with my BIL's kids and mine absolutely know it I just won't let them say anything, but they have told me. If it was my mother there is no way she would be giving my kids extra stuff whether the nephews were there or not, that is just not right.

As they get older they deal with it in their own ways usually tears and hurt feelings and then acceptance and distance. It is a shame but my DD has grown to look at her grandma in a different light because of the favortism, she still loves her but doesn't like what she does. I don't think the hurt ever goes away and I sure am angry but lately have really tried to make myself not dwell on it as much.