"When are you two going to have a baby?"

[Handbag Lady]

I am now 40, I was married at 32, and DH is slightly older than me.

We don't have kids and we STILL get asked why we are not. And now, we are being asked why we are not adopting.

It isn't anyone's business. Sometimes, when I'm particularly annoyed, I go into how DH believes the world is over-populated and I blame people like the Duggars as to why I don't have kids and then I ask the asker how many kids they have already, you know, to turn the question around to blame them.

And yes, I'd be a terrific mother, too.

 

[bumbershoot]

Honestly, though, most people don't really care about your answer--especially aquaintances or business associates.

I agree. It's the strangest thing...asking such a deeply personal question, when they don't really care.

Of course if it's someone who would get grandkids from you having kids, then it's tinged with selfishness...THEY want grandkids, and they want to know when it'll happen.


We weren't even *married* when we got the questions. Sat with my dad and stepmom at the rehearsal dinner and my stepmom got way way too personal, even asking "well, are you using protection???" when my answer was vague (didn't want to get into the reality that due to the absolute wish to NOT have a surprise pg which would cause me to not fit into my gown, there was nothing goin' on that could have created a baby for a year).

And then we ended up with a wedding night baby...talk about letting people have a peek into your personal business!


However, no one asks us anymore. I guess my natural stony face helps out with not getting personal questions. Some friends assume we're not going for more, and think they know why, but their reasoning is wrong b/c their understanding of me is wrong, and since we've been trying since DS was 9 months old, they are just totally wrong.

We've recently found out at least one reason, and it's that DH has a prolactinoma, which means that, hormonally, he's a nursing woman. And it's a problem that has been ongoing (the symptoms he has felt) for probably 3 years now, ad it was only FORCING an endocrinologist to check for hormone levels that we found out...he's had these symptoms for at least 3 years, including a cyst in his chest tissue, and it's been ignored, especially when they find out how old I am...they've just wanted to put our fertility problems down to my age, even though I cycle beautifully.


Adding to all of that...we haven't yet reached any stage where we think we'll want to intervent with IUIs or anything like that, which very few people understand...and if we give our personal reasons for it, people who DO go those routes take it way too personally (they shoudln't at all)...

It's best that people don't ask anymore.



So just create a persona that doesn't take personal questions well. And it IS personal. It's asking "when are you going to have unprotected sex". That is the question being asked. So either respond as though they asked that, or give them WAY too much info so they REGRET asking it.

Wish I'd done that with my stepmom!

 

[JarethDrakul]

It isn't anyone's business. Sometimes, when I'm particularly annoyed, I go into how DH believes the world is over-populated and I blame people like the Duggars as to why I don't have kids and then I ask the asker how many kids they have already, you know, to turn the question around to blame them.

And yes, I'd be a terrific mother, too.

I have to agree its no one business really but the two people involved....then if someone did that to me I would ask them a very awkward question just to see how they like it (like their sex life >.>)

 

[pixiegoose]

I am particularly sensitive to your issue because I just found out that our second pregnancy is a missed miscarriage and I go for a D & C tomorrow Thankfully, we have a daughter who is 2 and I have drawn so much strength from her, but this is a heartbreaking and painful experience, especially since we believed everything was progressing just fine only to find that the baby stopped growing about 3 weeks ago.

I'm sorry. I was diagnosed with a missed miscarriage on Sept. 3 at my 12 week appointment (they couldn't find the heartbeat even though we'd seen it at 7 weeks). The baby had stopped growing between 8 and 9 weeks but I'd had no signs anything was wrong. I had a D&C the following day (Sept. 4). The situation sucks.

I'm not looking forward to Thanksgiving with DH's family, as it's huge and everyone is going to ask us when we're going to start having kids. 95% of them won't know that I had a m/c and should be 24 weeks pregnant and I'm not sure how I'm going to handle it. They've all been asking since the day we got married 3 years ago when we were going to have kids (my mother-in-law especially, though she and my father-in-law do know about the m/c).

Sorry I have no advice but know that you're not alone with the issue. Hugs all around.

 

[si-am]

I'm sorry. I was diagnosed with a missed miscarriage on Sept. 3 at my 12 week appointment (they couldn't find the heartbeat even though we'd seen it at 7 weeks). The baby had stopped growing between 8 and 9 weeks but I'd had no signs anything was wrong. I had a D&C the following day (Sept. 4). The situation sucks.

I'm not looking forward to Thanksgiving with DH's family, as it's huge and everyone is going to ask us when we're going to start having kids. 95% of them won't know that I had a m/c and should be 24 weeks pregnant and I'm not sure how I'm going to handle it. They've all been asking since the day we got married 3 years ago when we were going to have kids (my mother-in-law especially, though she and my father-in-law do know about the m/c).

Sorry I have no advice but know that you're not alone with the issue. Hugs all around.

That is going to be rough. I'm so sorry.

Luckily my family knows what we've been going through, so they don't really mention it anymore.

My MIL hasn't started pressuring yet, either, though she kind of did it in a sneaky round-a-bout way recently by asking: "So, has your mother started nagging you about having kids yet?"

 

[WDWorBUST]

Wish I knew the answer to that one. DH and I didn't have DD until we had been married 8 years and it took over a year and clomid to get pregnant. We started trying for #2 last September just before DD turned 5. We actually got pregnant in February but my first appointment at 10 weeks discovered I had had a missed miscarriage. It was total hell. And still is. I'm actually on the path now to either start anti-depressants or clomid this month....not sure which road I will travel right now. All I know is it has been complete and total hell and no one really understands. So now a year after starting trying for #2 we are still a family of 3. I just wish I had a magic ball and knew which path to take and what the future holds.

Good luck....I know it's hard and I understand. (Not that that helps either)

 

[LaurenLC]

I wish I had the nerve to use some of the replies that have been suggested.... I have to admit, several of them made me laugh... I'm sorry to everyone else that has been or is in the same situation... I do suppose that it's good to know that we're not alone.... Lots of luck to everyone!