"When are you two going to have a baby?"

[KAMKIM]

Sorry, but I have to vent….. My husband and I have been married just about 3 years. I am approaching 30, and my husband is 33. I can honestly say that we are asked about 1-2 times a week by various different people, “When are you two going to have a baby?”
Here’s the thing…. We have been DESPERATLY trying to have a baby for about 9 months now, and are sick of people asking this… It’s like every time someone asks, we get to be reminded of our failure. We don’t want to bring up our struggles with people because frankly, it’s none of their business.
I guess my whole point to this rant is that people really have no idea how insensitive this question is… That, and I’m frustrated…
Thank you and sorry!

Good luck to you and your husband - I think people ask because they know you will be awesome parents (if they didn't think so, they wouldn't ask) I think they dont realize they are being insensitive, especially if they dont know you have been trying.

If you are looking for a response, I would just say...we're enjoying the first few years of marriage with just us.

 

[crazee4mickey]

People can be so insensitive---in this day and age you would think maybe they would realize how "loaded" of a question this is for many couples.

Either people are trying desperately or have just decided a family with children just isn't for them----whichever one it is, its none of their business

Hugs to you both

 

[JR6ooo4]

don't you just feel like saying sometimes, "We are having problems, thanks for poking your nose in...."

Mikeeee

 

[Miz Diz]

People used to ask us that same question all the time. It was so irritating. I would just tell them that we were not going to have any kids. Finally everyone in my office quit asking me.

 

[malibuconlee]

My DH and I were married 10 years before we got pregnant. We had LOTS of those questions thrown at us. Once we were eating lunch and reading the paper together. One of the advice columns had funny answers readers had written in response to those questions. A few of my favorite are...

We keep kissing and kissing and kissing and nothing happens.

Well have a baby when you have manners.

We don't breed well in captivity.

Hang in there.

 

[olena]

My DH and I were married 10 years before we got pregnant. We had LOTS of those questions thrown at us. Once we were eating lunch and reading the paper together. One of the advice columns had funny answers readers had written in response to those questions. A few of my favorite are...

We keep kissing and kissing and kissing and nothing happens.

Well have a baby when you have manners.

We don't breed well in captivity.

Hang in there.

I love those! It's such a personal issue and I could never throw it into someone's face. We don't get it as much as used to. I think people gave up asking us. I usually just stick out my hand and ask for a fat wad of cash, if it's that important to them that we need to have a child, then they can put up or shut up. We can't really afford a child right now and raise it the way we feel is right, so we're waiting. If that time never comes, so be it. If anyone wants to give us a gob of money to help, we'll get right on it.

My heart goes out to those who have gone through painful situations with infertility and difficult circumstances hindering their parental ambitions. It takes so much and grace and dignity to not go off on nosy rosies and I applaud your forbearance. I try to emulate it, but it's just so hard sometimes with such a personal and painful subject.

 

[Pigeon]

We used to get this a lot.

I'd fix them with an icy glare (I'm the queen of the icy glare) and say, "Why on earth would you ask me such a personal and intrusive question?") I never got asked the same question twice by the same clueless individual.

 

[si-am]

We've been trying for a baby for two and a half years now (I'm 35) and it breaks my heart every time I get the "When are you going to have babies, don't you want babies, how come you aren't having babies" kinds of questions.

I used to be all coy about it, like "we'll see," or whatever. But now I've just started telling the truth.

And, inevitably, they will ALWAYS say "Have you read Taking Charge of Your Fertility? That's what you need to do!" No offense to the previous poster who mentioned it, but it's such a well-meaning but misguided suggestion for most couples who have been trying for a while.

 

[D&DDisney]

And, inevitably, they will ALWAYS say "Have you read Taking Charge of Your Fertility? That's what you need to do!" No offense to the previous poster who mentioned it, but it's such a well-meaning but misguided suggestion for most couples who have been trying for a while.

For some couples it is just a matter of timing or knowing how best to do it, when it comes to getting pregnant. Those are the lucky ones. For the rest of us, what's in that book is of no help.

Hang in there and know that there are others who have or are going through the same thing.

 

[jfoofj]

I had issues w/ having kids also.... I'm sorry for your struggle. I could get pregnant, just couldn't STAY pregnant. I'm a pretty open person, so most people knew about my struggles, but if someone asked us, we just said "we wish we knew when."

After having my son, my then husband and I ended up divorced, and when I met DH he had a little boy too, so I have my DS and a DSS and I truly feel our family is complete, but we DO get the "so, don't you two want a baby TOGETHER?!?" comment a lot. The answer is, even if we COULD (I am actually having surgery this month that will render me unable to, but the odds were against it happening anyways) we wouldn't. We love our family JUST the way it is and wouldn't have had another even if it was guarenteed I would have had a successful pregnancy. People just don't get it. Marriage equals having kids to so many people that they don't understand when people choose not to.

Good luck, OP!!

 

[DizBelle]

"When my husband's aim improves." Just say that and watch their face. It should be entertaining.

 

[winnapooh]

Sorry, but I have to vent….. My husband and I have been married just about 3 years. I am approaching 30, and my husband is 33. I can honestly say that we are asked about 1-2 times a week by various different people, “When are you two going to have a baby?”
Here’s the thing…. We have been DESPERATLY trying to have a baby for about 9 months now, and are sick of people asking this… It’s like every time someone asks, we get to be reminded of our failure. We don’t want to bring up our struggles with people because frankly, it’s none of their business.
I guess my whole point to this rant is that people really have no idea how insensitive this question is… That, and I’m frustrated…
Thank you and sorry!

My husband and I have been trying for several years. Two miscarriages later (we have no live children), my answer to "When are you going to have children?" is "When God lets me keep one." As far as I'm concerned, I have two children, I just didn't get to keep them.

I hope you have good news soon

 

[englishteacha]

My husband and I are not trying, and aren't currently planning on having children. The questions are annoying to us, but I know it must be painful when you want to have a child with all your heart. My nephew and his wife have been trying for over 2 years and the word was quietly passed through our family so we all are sensitive to it.

My retort when asked is, "I have a cat," or "I like being the aunt." I like the "We're practicing" comment! That would make my family shut up!

My thoughts and prayers are with you who are trying to have children...I hope you're blessed soon!

 

[ccgirl]

To the OP, first let me apologize as I haven't read all the posts. My DH and I dated for 9 years before we got married. We were then married for 5 years before we decided to have children and I was already 32. As you can imagine, I was getting everyone asking when we were going to have children too. Especially the inlaws. I got so frustrated I said, "how do you know we can even have children." They never asked again. Please hang in there and know people aren't intentionally doing this to be mean.

 

[3boymthr]

OP - you are definitely not alone.

DH and I were married for just under 7 years before DS#1 came along. We didn't really tell anyone we were trying because I knew from the time I was 18 going into it that the chances of my getting pregnant on my own were slim (I have half a functioning ovary). I think it helped in the years of trying for #1 that we knew it would be a difficult road before we ever started trying. But it was so hard when faced with that question it came up over and over again - especially from MIL and the rest of DH family, who despite being told of the problems didn't seem to understand that sometimes not having children right away is NOT always a choice (okay, I admit it, DH's family is totally whacked he has a cousin who became a great grandmother at 44 and his mom thinks this is okay - but that's a topic for another thread).

But don't get discouraged, think positive thoughts and remember that this too shall pass. In the meantime look up clever come-backs to have at hand - such as mentioned by PPs.

 

[Disney Doll]

Having lived through many years of infertility, my response really depended on my mood.

If I was in a "kooky" mood, I'd say the "practicing" line.

If I was in a private mood, I'd say "Why on earth would you ask such a personal question?" or I'd say "If I answer your personal question, can I then ask you a personal question, because I am dying to know what your yearly income is".

If I was really cranky, I'd say something like "Well, we have spent 5 years and hundreds of thousands of dollars trying to do just that and haven't been successful, but hey, thanks for reminding me".

It's a hard road to travel....

 

[Jennasis]

We are childless by choice and get this question all the time. If I tell them we don't want children I get "but you'd be a WONDERFUL mother!". Yes, I'm sure...thank you for the guilt. I just don't want kids. Why is that such a crime?

I'm thinking of using the "We can't have children" line from now on. It's true.

 

[Pooh Crew]

Count me as another one who has walked in your shoes. I remember vividly how much those questions hurt and have made it a point to NEVER ask someone about having children.

Honestly, though, most people don't really care about your answer--especially aquaintances or business associates. They are simply asking to have something to say. Once you have a child, they will ask when you plan to have another. If you have three or four, they will ask if you are done yet! They will ask if your tot is talking, walking, potty trained, etc...all just to have something to say. Find a way to turn the conversation back around to them and go on with your day. They don't mean to be mean or intrusive, but unless someone has personally dealt with infertility (or read a thread about people asking stupid questions on the internet ) they don't know how much their questions hurt.

 

[MusiqChic99]

I know its not the same because I already have a son. But I get asked a lot when I'm going to have another baby. My son is 3. Thing is....I can't have anymore. I had to have a hysterectomy for medical reasons. Although I am ok and feel very blessed to have my son. It's a reminder that I can't have anymore even I wanted to.

I wish I had better words for you but just hang in there.

 

[NMAmy]

, but we DO get the "so, don't you two want a baby TOGETHER?!?" comment a lot.

Someone asked me this a couple of months ago and I was flabbergasted. This is not a first marriage for either DH or I so I replied that we have a 28 year old and an 18 year old. We're holding out for grandkids.

OP - I'm sorry you're going through this. Hopefully, your thread has made others realize that although they may just think they're making conversation, it can be hurtful to others.