When a man has an affair?

[anonymousone]

I have read this thread and was not planning on posting but I have a question in response to this post. Just how much time was used in the affair?

Most married with children couples I know can't find enough free time to spend a few hours with a spouse never mind adding a second person into the mix. People of my acquaintance usually leave for work by 7am and get home no earlier than 6pm. By the time you throw dinner into the mix (making/eating/cleaning up) you are at 730pm. Then if the children are younger there may be story time and baths. So by 830pm all chores are done and you can sit down and spend an hour or two with your spouse. On weekends there are more errands and housework along with events with the family.

I just can't comprehend how a cheating spouse can carve out enough time for an affair without shortchanging a spouse and children unless maybe a lunch time quickie.

From what I understand, a few hours of personal time used at work every few weeks and maybe time early in the am or pm to send emails? Of course,you don't know unless you're right there in the house with the family, but it didn't appear to cut into family time from someone looking in from the outside. I guess it depends on how much contact a man wants with the other woman--one who would want to see her daily or talk to her daily would, of course, risk much more and spend more time away from family to make that happen than say, one who just saw the other woman monthly or a few times a year. I suppose there's a continuum to everything.

 

[brerrabbit]

From what I understand, a few hours of personal time used at work every few weeks and maybe time early in the am or pm to send emails? Of course,you don't know unless you're right there in the house with the family, but it didn't appear to cut into family time from someone looking in from the outside. I guess it depends on how much contact a man wants with the other woman--one who would want to see her daily or talk to her daily would, of course, risk much more and spend more time away from family to make that happen than say, one who just saw the other woman monthly or a few times a year. I suppose there's a continuum to everything.

I have asked the same question many times. where do you find the time to cheat? I have gotten answers like the one above and my response is always the same. Where do you find someone with whom to cheat who will live this kind of life. Inevitably the person the married person is having the affair with will have emotiaonal attachments and want to move the relationship forward such that it will effect the other person in the marraige. Short of paying for the sex where do you find these "non emotional hookups" that will not eventually effect the marraige.

 

[sameboat]

I think it is absolutely possible to love someone and still consider cheating. I've been married for 10 years. I love my husband truly and completely. I could never be married to anyone else. I also love the life we've built together, including our two beautiful children. The problem is sex, quite frankly. My husband has pretty much decided that he is no longer interested in it. It might occur every third month, if things are going well.

It is not a biological issue. He is not cheating on me with someone else. He works long hours at a very high-stress job and doesn't have a lot of emotional/physical energy left for sex. I have tried just about everything; good Lord, I have done and am willing to do things that would probably turn your hair white.

We were never a smokin' hot couple to begin with, which I think contributes to the situation. He has always had a lower sex drive but we were within the realm of normal up until two years ago. We have seen a counselor. We have talked about it at length but he is happy with the way things are, plain and simple. The once every three months is done solely for my benefit.

I'm sure that by now DISers are clutching their pearls and getting ready to flame me into oblivion. I will hear everything from "He's depressed" to "It's probably all your fault" to "He's secretly gay". I'm sure "Your life is so incredibly sad that I now look down upon you from my awesome-marriage pillar" will make an appearance as well. I'm not interested in getting into all of that. I will tell you that within my online groups and real life friends, I have found out that sexless marriages are a lot more common than you'd think. No one ever talks about them because they're so taboo. I will also tell you that more people are cheating than you know.

So where does that leave me? I'm 35 years old and I'm looking at another 30-40 years of no sex. Inevitably some people will tell me that I should just be honest, leave, and seek my fortunes somewhere else, as if leaving my love and destroying a beautiful family is as easy as pie. I think about cheating a lot. If it fulfills the 5% of life that I'm missing, while allowing everyone the joy of the other 95%, is it that disgusting? Am I am immoral monster? Am I an immature, selfish *****? Perhaps I am redeemable because I haven't done it. I could never do it. I couldn't lie to my husband, first and foremost, and I couldn't jeopardize my family.

But I sure as hell think about it.

I could have written this post. I am posting under a new name also for obvious reasons.

Unless you are living the way that anotherfakename and I are, you cannot understand. It is horrible. I have very little self-esteem. It is to the point where sometimes I will see a man at the store or where ever and I wonder to myself "I wonder if he would have sex with me" Not that I would but I feel so unattractive and undesirable and it hurts. I do not want to cheat but I sure as heck would not judge anyone in a situation like mine who does. Nope, no judgement from me. People always say "If you are unhappy in a marriage just get out." It is not that simple and anyone who thinks it is must be lucky enough to be in a happy marriage. I love my dh and I love my family. I do not want to destroy it. I have gone so far as to tell him that I may get a boyfriend but I don't think I could ever do it. I don't know what the answer is but do not tell me that I don't love my dh b/c I have considered cheating...if I didn't love him I would've done it years ago.

I get so annoyed when I read all the posts about how if my DH did this or if my DH did that I would be gone. Tons of spouses are cheating and I bet most of their spouses are saying "I know MY DH would never cheat on me, we have the perfect marriage." or the ones who say "I married the right person." There but for the grace of God. You never know what the future holds so maybe relax on all the judgmental nonsense and have some compassion for people.

 

[Darsa]

I couldn't lie to my husband, first and foremost, and I couldn't jeopardize my family.

I guess the question that pops up in the foremost of my mind is, would your husband be bothered by you fulfilling what he can't/won't by going elsewhere? And why would it bother him, if so? I mean, wouldn't that take the onus off of him to have to perform for you every three months? If so, then why would you be lying or jeaopardizing anything, if you have his blessing to do what makes you happy?

 

[Disney Doll]

MY definition of cheating is that one spouse doesn't know.

Open marriages...if both people agree and are happy, more power to them.

It's not the sex part that bothers me about cheating...it's the sneaking around part. I would always think "If my spouse could be dishonest with me about this, what else is he being dishonest about?".

If you're not sneaking around, if both spouses in a marriage are aware of the situation and have no problem with it, then it's not cheating. It's just another aspect of your life together. Not one that would work for me personally, but hey, I don't live in your house.

 

[sameboat]

I guess the question that pops up in the foremost of my mind is, would your husband be bothered by you fulfilling what he can't/won't by going elsewhere? And why would it bother him, if so? I mean, wouldn't that take the onus off of him to have to perform for you every three months? If so, then why would you be lying or jeaopardizing anything, if you have his blessing to do what makes you happy?

I can only answer for my situation. During one of our discussions, I said that I was thinking of getting a boyfriend. Because of the emotional mess I was during the discussion, I misheard him and thought that he said 'ok'. Even though I thought that was all I would need(his permission so to speak) I was DEVASTATED that he was ok with me being intimate with someone else. I have never been in such a funk as I was for the 2 days that I thought he had agreed to that, I could barely get out of bed and take care of the kids. He saw my state and when I told him why I was so upset, he explained that he hadn't said that and he didn't want that at all. While I think he would deal with it if I were to cheat b/c he would feel like he gave me no choice, I don't think I could stay in the marriage at that point. I cannot seperate sex and love. Me, personally. I know lots of people do and that's fine for them. In fact, I managed to do that myself in my younger, single days. However, now as a wife and mother, I can't do it and choose to stay in a marriage with major problems because I love my family. I would never judge someone who chooses another way to deal with this issue though.

 

[Christine]

I can only answer for my situation. During one of our discussions, I said that I was thinking of getting a boyfriend. Because of the emotional mess I was during the discussion, I misheard him and thought that he said 'ok'. Even though I thought that was all I would need(his permission so to speak) I was DEVASTATED that he was ok with me being intimate with someone else. I have never been in such a funk as I was for the 2 days that I thought he had agreed to that, I could barely get out of bed and take care of the kids. He saw my state and when I told him why I was so upset, he explained that he hadn't said that and he didn't want that at all. While I think he would deal with it if I were to cheat b/c he would feel like he gave me no choice, I don't think I could stay in the marriage at that point. I cannot seperate sex and love. Me, personally. I know lots of people do and that's fine for them. In fact, I managed to do that myself in my younger, single days. However, now as a wife and mother, I can't do it and choose to stay in a marriage with major problems because I love my family. I would never judge someone who chooses another way to deal with this issue though.

I just want to say that you are brave for posting and a big thumbs up to you. People on this board can be extremely judgemental when it comes to marriages and problems.

 

[Darsa]

I cannot seperate sex and love.

Neither can I.

 

[lacrosse_lady72]

First of all, I can separate sex and love. I have before, but I chose not to now because they go hand-in-hand with DFiance. Will they always? I hope so, but there's always that possibility that sex and love will separate.

Second, for those of you who are posting under different names and/or telling your own personal experiences... I'm sorry that
1. You have to post under a new name, you shouldn't have to... but you so and that's a shame.
2. You have to go through this, whether it's you who has cheated, has been cheated on, is thinking of cheating, knows a cheater, etc. It's a bummer. And at this point all I can do is

 

[surfergirl602]

I am using another name but just need some advice and have just been trying to process something. Here goes...

When a man has or seeks an affair, is it still possible that he is completely happy with his wife and his home life, but still just wants an occasional "thing" on the side to add some spice? I guess I've always thought there had to be more to it than that. Also, I think, how can someone who loves their spouse, loves their family, goes to church, etc. and still want something that is so harmful and hurtful? How is that even possible? How is it possible for a man to be happy with his life and do that?

My male friend I have shared this with says yes, a man can be completely happy at home and love his wife, not want a divorce, he just wants a fling from time to time. I don't get it...if men think that way, how can you fight that? If it's not about being happy, than how can a woman even begin to deal with something like this? It would be almost easier to understand if there were admitted issues, or the man wasn't happy, but I don't know how to deal with this kind of thinking.

If a married man wants to be with someone other than his wife, he doesn't deserve her, Period. You can have your cake and eat it, too. Marriage doesn't work that way. If he wanted to sleep around, that's what being single is for.

I get angry just reading this post.

 

[anonymousone]

Short of paying for the sex where do you find these "non emotional hookups" that will not eventually effect the marraige.

Many times it is another married woman. Less risk b/c they have as much to lose as the married man. If neither wants to leave their respective marriages then there is less risk of it running off the tracks emotionally.

 

[theflipside]

Well, I'm going to chime in from the other side of the equation. I met a man and his wife in a social scene several years ago. He was friendly and out going and she was quiet and withdrawn. I got to know them as a couple and it was instantly clear that there was no chemistry in this relationship. They were married because they had two kids. They both started talking to me about their problems. He said she wouldn't have sex with him and when she did it was like a chore for her, she said he wanted to have sex more often than she did (once a year if she had to) and it bothered her that he wanted it. She also wanted him to work as many hours as possible because she didn't want to work. He told me that he felt like she was using him just to live the life she wanted but he got nothing in return.

He and I had more in common and we became really good friends. She knew were becoming friends and she didn't care. She would tell me what she wanted him to know and wanted me to tell him. She would make nasty remarks about him and his bed prowess in front of me.

The more I heard from her, the more I felt bad for him. I was single with two kids and our conversations started getting more and more intimate. Eventually, we ended up sleeping together just for the physical need we both needed. I felt terribly guilty for her but then when I would talk to her she would just complain about him so it would erase my guilt. We both agreed (he and I) that this was only a physical thing and that we weren't anything more.

But we were and right in front of her she knew there was an emotional thing going on with us. She ignored it because she didn't want to have to work or take care of the house. He even made comments to her about how he would like to sleep with me and that would take the pressure off of her. She told him that he needed to learn to be celibate.

With each other we found what we were missing. We found the affection, the bonding, and the self confidence we were both lacking. But we ignored the feelings and stuck with our physical relationship. Finally, because of his job she moved back home with the kids and he sold their house and went over seas to do his job. When he came back after a year the most intimacy she showed him was a hug and a peck on the cheek. She said she was too tired...etc. He came back to me to take care of some business before he left for good and he realized that she only wanted him for what he could provide for her.

They are now in the process of a divorce and he is being very generous with her and then when they are done my kids and I will be moving with to where he is and starting our own life.

I am not proud of what I have done but I can live with it. He was living in a sexless marriage where he tried to make things work for a number of years while feeling unloved by the woman he made a vow to. He didn't go looking for a lover and I didn't go looking for someone's husband to be my lover. But this is what happens when a man loves his family but he doesn't get what he needs from the marriage.


I know I won't be popular here but I wanted to put in another side of the story.

 

[anonymousone]

Well, I'm going to chime in from the other side of the equation. I met a man and his wife in a social scene several years ago. He was friendly and out going and she was quiet and withdrawn. I got to know them as a couple and it was instantly clear that there was no chemistry in this relationship. They were married because they had two kids. They both started talking to me about their problems. He said she wouldn't have sex with him and when she did it was like a chore for her, she said he wanted to have sex more often than she did (once a year if she had to) and it bothered her that he wanted it. She also wanted him to work as many hours as possible because she didn't want to work. He told me that he felt like she was using him just to live the life she wanted but he got nothing in return.

He and I had more in common and we became really good friends. She knew were becoming friends and she didn't care. She would tell me what she wanted him to know and wanted me to tell him. She would make nasty remarks about him and his bed prowess in front of me.

The more I heard from her, the more I felt bad for him. I was single with two kids and our conversations started getting more and more intimate. Eventually, we ended up sleeping together just for the physical need we both needed. I felt terribly guilty for her but then when I would talk to her she would just complain about him so it would erase my guilt. We both agreed (he and I) that this was only a physical thing and that we weren't anything more.

But we were and right in front of her she knew there was an emotional thing going on with us. She ignored it because she didn't want to have to work or take care of the house. He even made comments to her about how he would like to sleep with me and that would take the pressure off of her. She told him that he needed to learn to be celibate.

With each other we found what we were missing. We found the affection, the bonding, and the self confidence we were both lacking. But we ignored the feelings and stuck with our physical relationship. Finally, because of his job she moved back home with the kids and he sold their house and went over seas to do his job. When he came back after a year the most intimacy she showed him was a hug and a peck on the cheek. She said she was too tired...etc. He came back to me to take care of some business before he left for good and he realized that she only wanted him for what he could provide for her.

They are now in the process of a divorce and he is being very generous with her and then when they are done my kids and I will be moving with to where he is and starting our own life.

I am not proud of what I have done but I can live with it. He was living in a sexless marriage where he tried to make things work for a number of years while feeling unloved by the woman he made a vow to. He didn't go looking for a lover and I didn't go looking for someone's husband to be my lover. But this is what happens when a man loves his family but he doesn't get what he needs from the marriage.


I know I won't be popular here but I wanted to put in another side of the story.

Thank you for being brave enough to post your story. It seems obvious that he did not marry the "right" person. Should he have just stayed with her, no matter how she acted? I say no. I do hope that you can have a happy life together; I think the biggest hurdle I'm sure you're aware of is building that trust with each other, since your relationship began as an extramarital one.

 

[java]

Well, I'm going to chime in from the other side of the equation. I met a man and his wife in a social scene several years ago. He was friendly and out going and she was quiet and withdrawn. I got to know them as a couple and it was instantly clear that there was no chemistry in this relationship. They were married because they had two kids. They both started talking to me about their problems. He said she wouldn't have sex with him and when she did it was like a chore for her, she said he wanted to have sex more often than she did (once a year if she had to) and it bothered her that he wanted it. She also wanted him to work as many hours as possible because she didn't want to work. He told me that he felt like she was using him just to live the life she wanted but he got nothing in return.

He and I had more in common and we became really good friends. She knew were becoming friends and she didn't care. She would tell me what she wanted him to know and wanted me to tell him. She would make nasty remarks about him and his bed prowess in front of me.

The more I heard from her, the more I felt bad for him. I was single with two kids and our conversations started getting more and more intimate. Eventually, we ended up sleeping together just for the physical need we both needed. I felt terribly guilty for her but then when I would talk to her she would just complain about him so it would erase my guilt. We both agreed (he and I) that this was only a physical thing and that we weren't anything more.

But we were and right in front of her she knew there was an emotional thing going on with us. She ignored it because she didn't want to have to work or take care of the house. He even made comments to her about how he would like to sleep with me and that would take the pressure off of her. She told him that he needed to learn to be celibate.

With each other we found what we were missing. We found the affection, the bonding, and the self confidence we were both lacking. But we ignored the feelings and stuck with our physical relationship. Finally, because of his job she moved back home with the kids and he sold their house and went over seas to do his job. When he came back after a year the most intimacy she showed him was a hug and a peck on the cheek. She said she was too tired...etc. He came back to me to take care of some business before he left for good and he realized that she only wanted him for what he could provide for her.

They are now in the process of a divorce and he is being very generous with her and then when they are done my kids and I will be moving with to where he is and starting our own life.

I am not proud of what I have done but I can live with it. He was living in a sexless marriage where he tried to make things work for a number of years while feeling unloved by the woman he made a vow to. He didn't go looking for a lover and I didn't go looking for someone's husband to be my lover. But this is what happens when a man loves his family but he doesn't get what he needs from the marriage.


I know I won't be popular here but I wanted to put in another side of the story.

It was brave of you to post your story. All I'll say is if his marriage was such a mess the more honest thing would have been for them to get a divorce and THEN you start a relationship with him. You will have a bumpy road ahead of you best of luck.

 

[theflipside]

Thank you for being brave enough to post your story. It seems obvious that he did not marry the "right" person. Should he have just stayed with her, no matter how she acted? I say no. I do hope that you can have a happy life together; I think the biggest hurdle I'm sure you're aware of is building that trust with each other, since your relationship began as an extramarital one.

You are right that is a concern. And right or wrong, I trust him. I'm sure that will be scoffed at because we all know "once a cheater, always a cheater" but I think there are reasons why people cheat. Looking at where he is coming from, and having been an insider in the relationship from both sides, I understand why he did what he did.

And no I don't think they married the right person, they married the right person at that time. At 21/22 they thought they were perfect together. They have two beautiful children that they would never have had if they hadn't gotten together. I also believe that not everyone is meant to be with the same person forever. We all change and evolve and at times the new people aren't compatible.

 

[theflipside]

It was brave of you to post your story. All I'll say is if his marriage was such a mess the more honest thing would have been for them to get a divorce and THEN you start a relationship with him. You will have a bumpy road ahead of you best of luck.

I completely agree with you. We should have waited and for that I feel guilt. 20/20 hindsight. I certainly never meant to fall in love with him. If my magic 8 ball had been working and I had seen what the future held I would have done things differently.

 

[java]

I completely agree with you. We should have waited and for that I feel guilt. 20/20 hindsight. I certainly never meant to fall in love with him. If my magic 8 ball had been working and I had seen what the future held I would have done things differently.

you didn't need a magic 8 ball- there was that day when you decided to be selfish. You were there in the moment making a choice.

I have a friend that was in a similar situation as you are and she is now happily married to the man so I can say that it is possible to move on and have a "new life".

 

[indimom]

I just had to post to thank the many ANONYMOUS posters in this thread. You've given at least one "black and white" thinker some food for thought. Every instance of cheating I've known of personally involved one selfish person who was taking advantage of their spouses' trust and the pain and struggle those families went through was painful to watch. But, I do really feel for those of you who are in these "grey" circumstances.

 

[Evi]

I think it's hard for women to understand why men cheat. And the reasons why men do are different than why women do. Oprah had an author on who studied men and why they cheat and his book was free to download for a few weeks. I snagged it - great reading!!! Your eyes will be opened.

Anyone who wants it, PM me.

I've read the book and I don't buy into it all. Personally I think men and women cheat for the same reasons and I think for men to use an excuse as to why they cheat is lame. Women have the same desires and ideas as men we've just been raised to think alittle differently. Society has influenced how we perceive ourselves in a relationship and out of a relationship. To be truthful sex is sex but the decision you make amongst yourselves as a couple is what influences if your cheating or not. Men want monogamy in their respective relationships and some think they can climb out of that when its convenient for them. But if their spouses were to cheat and trust me you can ask any unfaithful man he will give you all these reasons why he believes its wrong and almost all those reasons are based on cultural/religious beliefs.

Personally I think if you want an open relationship you should find someone who accepts that and if not and your in a monogamous relationship accept the vows you made if not let the other person know because the truth is when you make choices like this your choices can affect the other person physically/emotionally/mentally.

And men if your wife isn't doing what you want tell her and if shes not what you want tell her. Trust me most of us would rather know the truth then live in a lie.

 

[NHdisneylover]

As far as the when do they find the time to cheat question that was recently raised--I can say if either DH or I were so inclined (I am not and I truly believe he is not either) it would be easy enough. DH travels about 40 weeks a year for work. At least one week a month he is at the same plant in the same country. I guess it would be very easy for him to have a girl there if he wanted. As for me, I am home while the kids are in school all day. I can't work in this country for three years. I have tons of time. Now, I choose to waste it on the DIS, but I think it is possible to find time to cheat if that is what someone is bound to do. I also think (see below) it is only cheating if sneaking around is involved.

MY definition of cheating is that one spouse doesn't know.

Open marriages...if both people agree and are happy, more power to them.

It's not the sex part that bothers me about cheating...it's the sneaking around part. I would always think "If my spouse could be dishonest with me about this, what else is he being dishonest about?".

If you're not sneaking around, if both spouses in a marriage are aware of the situation and have no problem with it, then it's not cheating. It's just another aspect of your life together. Not one that would work for me personally, but hey, I don't live in your house.

I completely agree with this

I am also impressed by the people here who are willing to post their stories knowing you will get slammed for doing so. It must be very hard to be in any of these situations (from all sides).