When a family member monopolizes all the babysitting?

[Hillbeans]

Please tell me how you deal with it when one (or more than one) of your family members like your brother or sister monopolizes all of the babysitting time of your parent/in laws (your child's grandparent(s).

My girlfriend was just venting to me yesterday about how her sister gets 2 days of daytime babysitting from her mom, but when she needs her daughter babysat for an hour to go to a Doctor's appt, it's too bad because her older sister already has "dibs".

My DH and I can count on one hand the # of times we've had my father babysit our 4 yo. My in-laws live in PA and love visiting our son, but we only see them a few times a year. My father has a very busy social life, so what little to any babysitting time he offers already being used by another family member.

I do have a friend/neighbor who is babysitting so DH and I can go to a wedding on the 18th, thank goodness. We have used a paid teenage sitter in the past but sometimes it would just be nice to leave a child with their grandparent.

Ok, I feel better - thanks for letting me vent

 

[cl1067]

I wish I had some words of advice for you. This doesn't happen to me (I have the only 2 grandkids...my brother says he is waiting until my kids are old enough to babysit before he has any ), but I see it in my aunt's family. She has 3 kids who all have children of their own. The grandkids from one of the kids is always at her house...and my cousin is taking advantage of her mom. Numerous people have talked with my cousin (including her own siblings) but she doesn't get it or maybe just doesn't care. To me nothing will change unless the grandparent says something.

 

[lulugirl]

I think it's really up tp the grandparent to decide who she babysits for and how often.

 

[sue1013]

There's one in every family. In my family was my brother he would bring his 2 kids to my mothers, supposedly for overnight. He'd keep putting off picking them up for days. My mother of course loved to see the kids but overnight was enough. By the time he would get them she'd end up in bed for a couple days from exhaustion. DH's family it was his brother also but he only had one. She would be there constantly, MIL would complain to everyone but him. My mother also would never say anything to my brother seemed both were afraid to say something since they felt the immature parents would get mad and keep the kids away. Did happen with my brother, when my mother told him she couldn't keep the kids overnight anylonger he hasn't spoken to her since.

 

[gopherit]

I agree that the ball is in the grandparent's court. They dictate who they will/won't sit for, in the end.

Sometimes it can be sheer logistics that determine who grandma babysits for. Perhaps one child simply lives closer, ergo the grandkids are over more often. Or perhaps one child simply feels "free" to ask Mom or Dad to babysit, whereas another is more reserved about it. (And not to imply this is the case in the OP, but sometimes one set of grandkids is simply "easier" to sit for, too! I know I've had nieces and nephews who were dramatically different in terms of care -- I admit that "Aunt Cindy's" calendar sometimes became much "busier" when asked to sit for certain ones, that's for sure! )

Currently we live 7 hrs from our nearest extended family -- but we also aren't the type to impose on family for babysitting, so even if we DID live nearby, I doubt I would utilize it, except in emergency. When we visit family, I very very rarely leave my crew with my MIL or FIL alone, and never for a "night out" or anything. It's just out of courtesy, I guess. Once, I had all 3 kids sick with bronchitis and DH had pneumonia and was in/out of hospital... I managed, without importing extra family help. And recently, when I had surgery and was out of commission for a few weeks, DH did a great job getting the crew through it -- the carpools, school, sports and all.
My inlaws offered to come help but I think we both thought, what's the point? If you can make the effort to travel 7 hours -- come when we are well and we can all enjoy it! Why come when we are sick and put yourself at risk? After all, if they get sick -- well, that's just 2 more people for me to tend to! I guess it's a difference in how I was raised -- my mom was very self-sufficient, and felt her parents raised their kids already. She felt time with her parents should be as grandparents, not as babysitters, if at all possible. Doesn't mean her folks wouldn't help out if needed -- just meant she didn't feel she needed them to do that on a regular basis.

In contrast, my SIL/BIL live near and utilize my in-laws ALL the time. I figured out a long time ago that theirs is a very co-dependent relationship. BIL/SIL just aren't as independent as my DH and I are, and MIL needs to be needed. I think it's great they have each other -- I just get torqued off when they have the gall to complain to me about it (which both sides do, as if I should choose sides.) I sit there listening but all the while thinking, Good Lord, neither of you would last a day without the other... quitcherbellachin' and just rejoice in what you have!

 

[BARBARAAPPLE]

we are going thru this with my in laws ..my BIL has a 2 year old and she is at my mother in laws house everday my SIL brings the baby and my BIL every morning around 7.00 and leaves them at my MIL house for the day ,she returns to pick them up around 5.00 at which time they eat supper and end up going home around 7.30 -8.00. (yeah my BIL does not work its to hard on his nerves to work)..
I get so tired of fussing at my MIL about this I just don't go there much anymore cause it drives me nuts to see them useing my in laws like this.
I forgot to mention my MIL / FIL are in there late 70's to old to be watching a 2 year old all day everyday and my BIL is no help he goes outside and messes our takes a nap so he doesn't have to tend to the child.

My MIL has always watched my children for the summer while my husband and I work this year we decided to get her to watch them from 8.00 - 2.00 while I worked 4 days a week but we feel she couldn't handle all the kids (mine are 12 & 10 ) So I work just weekends and decided to stay with them myself. I just get so mad because my kids can not go to grandma / grandpas house to see them cause the other child is always there and she has to have all the attention our she will be into something..


Sorry this is so long I just had to vent !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[ChristmasElf]

I too have a sister that doesn't even ask if my Mom and Dad will babysit for her, she just TELLS them they need to watch her 2 girls.
That just amazes me that my Mom lets her get away with that. We have never asked them to babysit, we just used to pay a teen in the neighborhood when we needed them to sit with the kids.

 

[Texan Mouseketeer]

My DS never asks my mom to babysit, but whenever my mom is babysitting my kids, she comes over with her kids to visit. She sees my car out front or calls ahead and finds out when my kids are coming. She won't help my mom, so my mom ends up having to watch a bunch of kids instead of just mine. We have cut back on the babysitting help drastically until she says something about it.
Can you hire someone else for awhile?

 

[minkydog]

I guess it's a difference in how I was raised -- my mom was very self-sufficient, and felt her parents raised their kids already. She felt time with her parents should be as grandparents, not as babysitters, if at all possible. Doesn't mean her folks wouldn't help out if needed -- just meant she didn't feel she needed them to do that on a regular basis.

In contrast, my SIL/BIL live near and utilize my in-laws ALL the time. I figured out a long time ago that theirs is a very co-dependent relationship. BIL/SIL just aren't as independent as my DH and I are, and MIL needs to be needed. I think it's great they have each other -- I just get torqued off when they have the gall to complain to me about it (which both sides do, as if I should choose sides.) I sit there listening but all the while thinking, Good Lord, neither of you would last a day without the other... quitcherbellachin' and just rejoice in what you have!

I'm the same way. I'm the oldest of 5 sibs and I was raised to be self-sufficient, dependable, and strong. I did a lot of "mothering" while my mom was working and by the time I had kids, I knew what i was doing. We live 400miles from any family and we make out just fine. Except in the rare case of a true emergency I would not expect my mom to drive 7hrs to come to the rescue.

Apparently not all of my sibs learned the same lessons. I have one sister who runs her boys over every weekend and another who drops off her princess every time they have a crisis ( like grading papers or their lights went out <insert eye rolling here>). Granted, they both live closer, 1hr and 3hrs away. It just irks me no end that Mom will drop everything to take these kids. She says she feels sorry for them because they a) need a break b) had a hard week c) don't have much money d) got sick e) the kids have ADHD blah blah blah...

But THEN, my sisters have to complain about how mom tries to take over, or disciplines their kid wrong, or gets in their business...tell it to the Marines...bunch o' wimps. You can't have it both ways. Free babysitting is not free.

Cathy--I'm WOMAN, hear me ROAR

 

[gopherit]

You can't have it both ways. Free babysitting is not free.

ITA... I think that's why I get peeved to listen to the complaints (very similar to what you describe, but from both parties). That, and I sort of lost it when MIL was telling me about how "terrible" it was when they took 2 of the 3 kids out shopping. MIL went along to help -- she took care of the 2 youngest in the store while SIL shopped. Nothing major happened -- just the usual that occurs when you have 2 kids in tow (one cried, one pooped, you get the idea, no big whoop). I gently noted to MIL that perhaps SIL would have to recognize the limitations her newest addition would now place on her, and maybe she will find it easier to make some changes to her lifestyle, like, do her shopping after dinner, when BIL could watch the kids. (When I still had infants, I often found grocery shopping at night to be quite therapeutic, lol!) Well, MIL was aghast at this concept, and said emphatically, "Oh I don't think so! She needs my help! Why, you can't be expected to take 2 young kids out anywhere BY YOURSELF, much LESS THREE!"

Hmmm, yes indeed. Why, what on earth WAS I thinking when I drove the 7 hours to her house with my boys at ages 3 and 2? And every time I left my house with all 3 in tow, I musta been certifiable.

I think sometimes she forgets who she's talking to...

But then I always come back to the realization that hey, maybe it's not fair of me to assume everyone is as self-sufficient as DH and me. Like I said before, I had to make the realization that just because we could manage, didn't mean everyone else could, and that just because we didn't need MIL's help all the time, didn't mean she didn't have a "need" to feel "needed". I just grow weary of hearing SIL complain about things MIL / FIL do, then hearing MIL discuss things SIL/BIL do.... ugh. Like you said, tell it to the marines... or army, or air force, or boy scouts, or WHATEVER! Just please, not ME!

 

[poohandwendy]

I think it's really up tp the grandparent to decide who she babysits for and how often.

I agree, and it is also up to the grandparents to make sure they aren't playing favorites.

 

[JerseyJanice]

When you don't have anybody you can really rely on to help out with your kids (for whatever reason--including that the grandparents are always too busy), you find ways to make due.

And it all works out in the end. Trust me on that.

To the person who said there ain't no such thing as free babysitting--you are so right!

 

[minkydog]

"She needs my help! Why, you can't be expected to take 2 young kids out anywhere BY YOURSELF, much LESS THREE!"

Hmmm, yes indeed. Why, what on earth WAS I thinking when I drove the 7 hours to her house with my boys at ages 3 and 2? And every time I left my house with all 3 in tow, I musta been certifiable.

I think sometimes she forgets who she's talking to...

I'm sooo with you. My kids are now 18, 12, & 10, but there was a time when they were much younger. The baby was born with severe handicaps and we had to go to doctors and therapies 4-5 days a week. Having no babysitters meant I had to take all the kids everywhere i went. Occasionally, a friend would offer to take 1 or both kids (who were 10 & 2 at the time) but mostly I was on my own. Since the baby was so fragile, he could only be left with an adult certified in CPR--you can imagine how many people lined up to babysit him. If you guessed zero, you would be right! I taught my kids how to behave themselves in public and off we'd go, like a row a baby ducks to do our errands, take baby to yet another doctor,have a picnic, etc. And I homeschooled my oldest through it all!

I have no patience with people who "can't handle" taking their own kids out by themselves. Don't they have any frontier stock in them at all??

 

[auntpolly]

I have no patience with people who "can't handle" taking their own kids out by themselves. Don't they have any frontier stock in them at all??

LOL by gum, I reckon not!

When my SIL had twins, my MIL (bless her soul, I really love her) reacted like this was the challenge of a lifetime - babysitting and helping her pay for an au pair. MIL kept saying, can you believe that she's managing so well! I'm just so incredibly proud and amazed that she can do it!" I'm thinking; "What is she? Mentally deficient or something? I should hope she should be able to do it with all the help you've given her." And "Nobody was that concerned of proud of me when I had DD a thousand miles away from everyone and with no money for sitters!"

But I think the family just knew I could handle it and had concerns about how well SIL would - so I take it as a compliment.

 

[Hillbeans]

When you don't have anybody you can really rely on to help out with your kids (for whatever reason--including that the grandparents are always too busy), you find ways to make due.

And it all works out in the end. Trust me on that.

To the person who said there ain't no such thing as free babysitting--you are so right!

Amen to that Janice - We've made do for 4 years now, and so far, we're doing great. DS is a funny, kind, and well mannered child, and we're very lucky. I hate to even admit this, but my vent yesterday should have been aimed more at my family member and not my father or in-laws.