What's your take on this situation?UPDATE post 50

[luvmy2sams]

A friend of mine has two boys, aged 6 and 4, who attend the same school as my DD6. When school started this fall, she asked if I could pick her sons up after school on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday afternoons and drop them off at her house. The boys stay at school in extended care on Monday and Friday afternoons. She lives about 4 blocks away, so I didn't think it would be a big deal. DD has afternoon activities on these days (dance & piano), but piano was the only possible conflict since it begins at 3:30pm and school gets out at 3pm. The pick up of these kids has become a huge pain. The boys never seem to remember that I'm picking them up, even though the teachers remind them daily. I end up spending 5-10 minutes after school tracking them down in the school building. When I get them to their house, their older sister (17), who is watching them in the pm's, will sometimes hear the doorbell and open the door. Other times I have to call the house to get her to let them in, and sometimes she doesn't answer at all, so I have the boys with me until at least 5pm. I'm getting more than a little sick of the entire situation. DD is tired of being late to classes and of having to put up with the boys all afternoon, and frankly I'm tired of it, too.

In addition to this, my friend is continually calling to ask me to help with the kids somehow. Requests ranging from driving her step-daughter back to school (we live 4 blocks from her school and she walks home daily) so she can get forgotten homework to seeing if she can drop her boys off at my house at 6am so she can go to work early are common. I could go on for days with the favors she's asked of us regarding her kids. It's gotten to the point where I don't answer the phone if she calls because I know she's going to want something. I feel as though she expects me to always be there since I'm a SAHM, and I'm really starting to resent her for that assumption.

DH tells me that I should quit transporting the kids and that taking care of her kids all the time is not my responsibility. My mom (the only other one I confide in) says that she's a user, and I'll realize that once I back away from everything.

What do you guys think? Should I scale back on the transportation? Stop altogether? Move to a tropical island where this won't be an issue? Thanks for reading this monster post. I appreciate your opinions!

 

[HappyMommy2]

I'm sorry! I know this must be so uncomfortable for you--I hate to say "no" too but in this case you really have to. Taking care of this woman's kids is becoming at LEAST a part-time job for you and it's not fair. I think if I were you I would talk to the woman and explain nicely that the whole thing is becoming too much of a burden on your own family, and that you can continue to pick the boys up at school for X more weeks (maybe one more month or whatever, to give her time to make other arrangements) and then you will have to stop.
As for all the other miscellaneous requests, you know very well that those kids are not your responsibility. Doing a favor now and then is fine but it sounds like this woman has become so accustomed to asking favors that she has become desensitized to the burden she is placing on you. I think you need to just screen your calls.

 

[karebear1]

I agree. Let her know that this has become much more then you initially thought it would be and that it is interferring with your family now. Make sure she understands exactly why- you have to look for the boys everyday etc. All of these things are legitimate.

 

[experiment626mom]

Yep I would tell her it's over. She is using your friendship. You shouldn't have to track the boys down. The 17 year old knows when they come home, she should be at the door waiting. Plus you're paying for your daughters lessons and she is not getting the full benefit.

I would tell her she has a week to find alternative transportation for her boys and let it go. If she gets mad, oh well.

 

[Christine]

I know how difficult it can be, but I don't understand why you haven't spoken up about it.

It will be uncomfortable, but you need to contact her and tell her that you can continue picking her boys up after school on the specified days but that they need to get their act together. You have afterschool commitments with your own children and you do not have time to look for them at school, get them into the house, or keep them. Tell her this in no uncertain terms that if they are not outside when you are at school, you will leave. You will be dropping them off at the door and leaving, you will not watch them. These people are being totally irresponsible and you are enabling it. I KNow it is hard to do this, but you have to. As for the "extras" you can control that by saying no, which you've started to do.

I don't see anything wrong with helping out a working mom (I'm one) but ONLY if it in no way inconveniences you. You should never have to cause extra stress on yourself to help. If you are at the school and picking your own child up and they happen to catch a ride and it helps someone out, that's good. But for them to push you like this *is* truly wrong and you need to speak up about it.

 

[Beth76]

I think it's perfectly reasonable to say "i'm sorry this just isn't working". You've got two great reasons 1)Her boys aren't ready when you pick them up and 2) the daughter isn't home to let the boys in.

 

[WL Fan]

Is this woman a "friend" to you? I mean, do you guys do things together, talk on the phone, etc, or has your relationship boiled down to "will you?" and it's all one sided? If it is one sided, she's not really a friend, she's more of a needy acquaintance. I agree with everyone else, give her a time limit and then stop being her gopher.

A real friend gives as much as she takes.

 

[BuzznBelle'smom]

I have to agree, I would give this woman notice that you'll do it for another week or two, whatever you feel comfortable with, but it's interfering too much with your lives, much more than you originally thought, and you can't continue. Perhaps the 17yo sister can pick them up from school?

P.S. It's common for working moms to assume SAHM moms have nothing better to do than watch their kids. Don't misunderstand, I know plenty of working moms who respect SAHM's choices, but there are always a few who assume you (a) have nothing better to do, and/or (b) would do anything to earn a couple $$ becuase you must need $$ since you're at home. My personal favorite was at soccer a couple years ago--my DH was approached by two (!) moms who wanted to know if I was interested in earning $$ over the summer watching their kids. Mind you, I wasn't at the soccer game because I was, ahem! home with my newborn! DH had soccer duty--these women couldn't have picked me out of a line-up! But hey, I was home and I had a pulse, so I must be okay to leave their children with! Like I said, this is not every working mom, but they're out there!

 

[Jenn]

I totally understand what you are going through!!

There is this adorable little girl in my 4 year old's dance class. My daughter just loves this girl, they hold hands, they tell me they are best friends, etc.

Well, her Mom asked if I could pick the girl up each week and bring her with me to dance class, and someone else (not her) will pick her up. She knows I am right near her daycare provider's home picking up my older daughter from school so it wouldn't be going out of my way. What can I say? So, I agree.

So, the first week we go to class, after class I leave not thinking anything of it. The next week I find out, the little girl came out of class and was just sitting there in the waiting room and finally someone called her Mom and said, Is someone picking her up?" and the Mom says "Oh, no, she has another class after the first one, then she is getting picked up after that !" So this poor little thing was supposed to come out of one class, change her shoes from ballet to hip hop, and go into her second class with no parent there to help her!! Then, after the second class another neighbor comes to get her.

I still can't believe it! She is 4 for crying out loud!! So, now I am driving her to class, and making sure she gets her shoes changed and gets into her second class safely before I leave.

 

[luvmy2sams]

I know how difficult it can be, but I don't understand why you haven't spoken up about it.

It will be uncomfortable, but you need to contact her and tell her that you can continue picking her boys up after school on the specified days but that they need to get their act together. You have afterschool commitments with your own children and you do not have time to look for them at school, get them into the house, or keep them. Tell her this in no uncertain terms that if they are not outside when you are at school, you will leave. You will be dropping them off at the door and leaving, you will not watch them. These people are being totally irresponsible and you are enabling it. I KNow it is hard to do this, but you have to. As for the "extras" you can control that by saying no, which you've started to do.

I don't see anything wrong with helping out a working mom (I'm one) but ONLY if it in no way inconveniences you. You should never have to cause extra stress on yourself to help. If you are at the school and picking your own child up and they happen to catch a ride and it helps someone out, that's good. But for them to push you like this *is* truly wrong and you need to speak up about it.

I guess I've just been avoiding dealing with the situation. We attend a very small school and also go to the same church. Our kids are in a few of the same activities, and I know she's going to get bent out of shape when I tell her I can't do it anymore. I guess it's just been easier to be ticked off about it and keep it all inside rather than confront the situation and risk being uncomfortable around her for awhile. I also feel that since I agreed to do it to begin with that I've got an obligation to fulfill.

 

[Keggy]

I know this isn't the point of your post - but if they only live 4 blocks from school why can't the 17 year old walk to the school and pick them up?

I think she is asking way too much of you.

Good Luck,
Kelly

 

[luvmy2sams]

P.S. It's common for working moms to assume SAHM moms have nothing better to do than watch their kids. Don't misunderstand, I know plenty of working moms who respect SAHM's choices, but there are always a few who assume you (a) have nothing better to do, and/or (b) would do anything to earn a couple $$ becuase you must need $$ since you're at home. My personal favorite was at soccer a couple years ago--my DH was approached by two (!) moms who wanted to know if I was interested in earning $$ over the summer watching their kids. Mind you, I wasn't at the soccer game because I was, ahem! home with my newborn! DH had soccer duty--these women couldn't have picked me out of a line-up! But hey, I was home and I had a pulse, so I must be okay to leave their children with! Like I said, this is not every working mom, but they're out there!

Unfortunately, this family thinks that DH and I are rolling in the cash since DH has a master's degree in engineering . I actually did agree to help her out over the summer occasionally, and she agreed to pay me for my time and to pay for anything I took the kids to during the summer that incurred a cost. I'm out over $100 because of this, but I don't want that to color how I'm feeling about the current situation. I've written the money off as a lesson learned. I'll go back to watching my soaps now....

 

[luvmy2sams]

I know this isn't the point of your post - but if they only live 4 blocks from school why can't the 17 year old walk to the school and pick them up?

I think she is asking way too much of you.

Good Luck,
Kelly

The 17-year-old's school is 4 blocks from our homes. The other kids attend a school that's about 2.5 miles from here. DH thinks their DD should be picking them up, as well.

 

[kadaten]

I think your DH and your mom are brilliant!

She is using you and you seem to be such a nice person you don't want to see it or confront her about it. Well, if SHE was a nice person, she wouldn't be using/abusing your and your friendship. You've got to put a stop to it now.

I assume you chose to be a SAHM so you could spend more time with and taking care of your kids. She's interfering with that choice and needs to find other arrangements for her kids. I'd give her 2 weeks notice and that's it. Politely....but firmly.

 

[MaryAnnDVC]

I also feel that since I agreed to do it to begin with that I've got an obligation to fulfill.

But she (her kids and her) aren't fulfilling their side of the obligation. If you don't want to back out completely, then she needs to at least know what YOU expect.

I got into this type of situation too, altho it wasn't nearly as involved as yours. And I heard about this woman before I even met her! First day I talked to her, she was asking for rides for her DD (because she "worked" and I didn't ). At one point, I was picking her DD up and taking her, with my DD, to the camp bus, and then picking them up and taking the DD home at the end of the day. I told the mother that fine, I'll do it...BUT...she needs to be ready and waiting when I arrive in the morning, and you need to get her into the car/seatbelt, and come out at the end of the day and get her out of the car (the woman had a home daycare, so she was there, but couldn't leave to drive her kids anywhere). They were 6 years old at the time, and I had two younger kids, and despite being a SAHM, I really DIDN'T sit around all day twiddling my thumbs with nothing to do but cater to her kid...*I* actually needed to make dinner, etc, TOO!

Other people, I'm not so *****y about, because other people don't expect to be catered to. There are lots of really nice, great people who would do the same for me, whether or not I ever needed to take them up on it. This woman, however, was known for being a moocher...I swear, if anyone from my town were reading this, they'd know who I was talking about.

 

[Regina]

2.5 miles and there's no bus? We have a bus that literally picks up kids directly across the street from their elementary school. (Don't ask.)

Is there just afterschool care on Mondays and Fridays or is she trying to avoid the cost? If it's offered all week long, it sounds like there's an easy solution.

Listen to your Mom. She's 100% right.

 

[luvmy2sams]

2.5 miles and there's no bus? We have a bus that literally picks up kids directly across the street from their elementary school. (Don't ask.)

Is there just afterschool care on Mondays and Fridays or is she trying to avoid the cost? If it's offered all week long, it sounds like there's an easy solution.

Listen to your Mom. She's 100% right.

The kids attend a small, private school so there's no bus.

Before and afterschool care is offered every day for $3/hour/child plus $2/hour/child for each additional sibling. She's trying to avoid spending the additional $15 a week it would cost her to keep the boys in their mid-week until her husband can pick the boys up between 3:30-4:00pm.

My mom's always right. It's so annoying.

 

[MaryAnnDVC]

My mom's always right.

I can't wait until my kids realize this.

 

[Keggy]

My mom's always right. It's so annoying.

Don't you just hate it!

Kelly

 

[disykat]

The kids attend a small, private school so there's no bus.

Before and afterschool care is offered every day for $3/hour/child plus $2/hour/child for each additional sibling. She's trying to avoid spending the additional $15 a week it would cost her to keep the boys in their mid-week until her husband can pick the boys up between 3:30-4:00pm.

My mom's always right. It's so annoying.

Wow - she's trying to avoid $15 a week because she can inconvenience you for free. Not a friend I'd want.

IMO, there's really no room for favors when you are doing daycare. Favors are for "trading", not always onesided. I've done favors for lots of friends and they've done the same for me, but anything that is for work purposes we've always paid. The rule in our group is that if you are making money you share it with the one who is enabling you to do so.