What's the state of your union?

[Timon-n-Pumbaa Fan]

Ok, I have to admit that I am pretty much of the mind that if you are in a committed relationship that it needs to be a monogamous relationship, if it is going to last and be relatively drama free.

I am seeing that there are vastly different points of view being stated in other threads. I am curious as to what other people's stands are on the issue, especially those of you in LTR's.

Corey and I have been together almost 9 years. In that time, neither of us has ever stepped outside of the relationship. Corey is the total package for me. We do not suffer from lesbian bed death. Neither of us feels like we have a problem in that area other than life sometimes places too many scheduling obstacles in our way, to actually allow us to get into bed for anything other than sleep, but we have no hang-ups or lack of desire for one another. Basically, we met over the internet, fell in love and it just stuck.

In previous relationships, I could go to events, like Pride or Melissa Etheridge concerts and see other lesbians and my mind wandered all over "what if fantasyland" but I have to say that in the time that I have been with Corey, I haven't done that once. I have been in 2 other LTR's. I cheated on both of those women. I had a totally out of hand night that involved both of them at once. Which was scary, fun, and nothing that I care to do again. It's just different this time. I think I grew up and really found love or something. lol

So, what's the state of your union?

 

[TuckandStuiesMom]

What an interesting thread. I wouldn't cheat on my husband ever (my intermittent faux wallyb-stalking aside )and we have been married for 35 years now. Having said that, there are a number of not real distant relatives in Chuck's family who are polygamists. (No -- they don't wear the long prairie dresses -- the polygamist equivalent of ***-less chaps -- or get married at 12). I know that if my husband were having those kind of thoughts, I would MUCH rather he enter into a committed relationship/plural marriage than slip around behind my back. Cheating wouldn't be fair to me or the other woman. Oddly -- the situation never came up when we were younger and frankly at this point in our lives, fooling around would be pretty dang unseemly.

Commitment -- YES!
Monogamy -- Not so much (or at least not necessarily)

 

[Timon-n-Pumbaa Fan]

Thanks for being open enough to speak out on the topic. I realize that this is a rather personal subject, but I have always found the issue of commitment and monogamy to be fascinating. The whole polygamy thing also is really interesting to me, but I have enough to keep up with in respect to one non-legally sanctioned wife, I can't imagine really being able to keep up with two or more and doing the relationships with the other(s) any justice.

Who's next?

 

[wallyb]

Well I'm not sure what to say here
but two quick thoughts ocurr:

One-
"Judge not lest you be judged" -
I'm not religious at all - but Christ laughing-
I've quoted the Bible twice this week. God help me. Or Buddha.
My point is - what works for one may not work for all -
and there's a million shades in-between.
And like many things it's probably in flux.

And two-
I really think the most important part of commitment
happens in your head -
Not because of a ceremony - Not on a piece of paper -
Not because an elected official said you can.
I knew a couple (straight) who had all of the trappings above -
the fancy ceremony - the paper - the government approval -
and could not have been less married/ committed.

 

[PghLybrt]

I have no trouble talking about this. We have been together 13 years this month. Both of us have never cheated nor do we want to. With that said our relationship is pretty open. There are times when we are both checking out the same woman at a club or event. Then there are times when that said women goes from being checked out to coming home. We usually keep that out of town. We are very drama free people. Seriously. People have a hard time with us because we truly give each other freedom and support to do whatever the other one wants (hence the football!). We in now way suffer from LBD!! However (and this may sound weird) we are lesbians. I really do not want to live in a cookie cutter fantasy based on my straight neighbors. I like the fact that my girl runs a drag company. I like the fact that we have a very wide range of friends and feel welcome and safe anywhere we go.I like the fact that my parties are known to be pretty wild . And i like the fact that if there is someone that floats our interest we both feel no hesitation to go for it.

With all of that said, I know that we will be with each other forever. We fit perfectly. We have never had a desire to start other relationships with other women (we are very much like the guys in this way ). I can't stand going out and watching people get so bent out of shape because their partner was talking/looking/flirting/dancing with someone else. It really does not matter! I know who i go home with , and if anything bothered either myself of my girl the action would stop. We were not always like this, maybe 8 years into the relationship.

 

[wallyb]

I have no trouble talking about this. We have been together 13 years this month. Both of us have never cheated nor do we want to. With that said our relationship is pretty open. There are times when we are both checking out the same woman at a club or event. Then there are times when that said women goes from being checked out to coming home. We usually keep that out of town. We are very drama free people. Seriously. People have a hard time with us because we truly give each other freedom and support to do whatever the other one wants (hence the football!). We in now way suffer from LBD!! However (and this may sound weird) we are lesbians. I really do not want to live in a cookie cutter fantasy based on my straight neighbors. I like the fact that my girl runs a drag company. I like the fact that we have a very wide range of friends and feel welcome and safe anywhere we go.I like the fact that my parties are known to be pretty wild . And i like the fact that if there is someone that floats our interest we both feel no hesitation to go for it.

With all of that said, I know that we will be with each other forever. We fit perfectly. We have never had a desire to start other relationships with other women (we are very much like the guys in this way ). I can't stand going out and watching people get so bent out of shape because their partner was talking/looking/flirting/dancing with someone else. It really does not matter! I know who i go home with , and if anything bothered either myself of my girl the action would stop. We were not always like this, maybe 8 years into the relationship.

LBD?
Sorry - I'm acronym Challenged!

 

[npmommie]

We do not suffer from lesbian bed death.

LBD = lesbian bed death ?

 

[wallyb]

LBD = lesbian bed death ?

WHAT is THAT!!!

 

[ConcKahuna]

WHAT is THAT!!!

When it goes from sex to cats and home improvement??

 

[PghLybrt]

When it goes from sex to cats and home improvement??

hahahaha pretty much!

 

[jlewisinsyr]

For my partner and myself, we are committed to each other and we do not stray outside of each other, however that said, I can appreciate other relationship types.

One of my bestfriends (who happens to live in Orlando) is the whitest white girl you would ever meet. She is also a heavy girl, but has no issues with it at all (when she got her tongue pierced she was really upset a few days later because "you cannot keep a fat girl from food"). Her boyfriend is a medium/dark black guy, who she has said was not as endowed as some of his other "brothers", but at least he knew how to use what he had.

Now this being said, the actually met online while she was living here in Syracuse and he was in Miami. They really clicked and but they both were realistic in the fact that they were a 1,000 miles apart. So they did their thing and actually were very honest about it to each other. Sharing stories of who they met up with, brought home, etc. About 6 months into the relationship he came to Syracuse and got to see his first snow fall and then things really turned up the heat.

A few years later they decided to both move to Orlando and now they live together. They host swinger parties and have no qualms about meeting others for personal enjoyment, but they also know who they are with and love.

I think there is a relationship style of every person, it's just our culture and society norms that pigeon hole people.

 

[TuckandStuiesMom]

<LBD is>When it goes from sex to cats and home improvement??

That is SO not limited to "L"s.

There was a thread on asexuality a couple weeks back, and I was amazed at how many folks commented that that is what happens after marriage...
There is a line of scientific thought that almost all fauna (birds, mammals, and people are hard-wired for infidelity)

http://relationships.blog-city.com/mate_poaching__women_are_equally_hardwired_for_infidelity.htm

 

[Timon-n-Pumbaa Fan]

Wally and any others who are thinking that this was posted as a judgemental thing, it was not. I have a great amount of curiousity about the human condition and the different ways that people relate to one another. Just because I live my life the way that I do, it doesn't mean that I can't respect and even learn from the way that others live their lives.

As for LBD, many, not all, lesbians who have been together for a few years, eventually stop having sex or have it very infrequently. My first LTR had it bad. I was not happy about it either. I hope to never go 6 months or more without again! I tried everything imaginable to get her to break out of the shell, but in the end, that was what killed our relationship. Even after years of pleading with her to open up to me, she didn't admit until after the break up that her adopted/step-father had sexually abused her. That was the source of the problem. I can only assume that she has gotten help. She and her current partner have been together for 12 years or so. Either that, or her partner doesn't care about sex either.

Anyway, I just wondered how you guys worked out things in your lives. Ideally, no one will break out the flame throwers.

 

[wallyb]

Wally and any others who are thinking that this was posted as a judgemental thing, it was not.

Hey Lindy - no worries - it all fine - we're good.

Just to quote Sly-
Sometimes I'm right and I can be wrong
My own beliefs are in my song
The butcher, the banker, the drummer and then
Makes no difference what group I'm in
I am everyday people, yeah yeah
There is a blue one who can't accept the green one
For living with a fat one trying to be a skinny one
And different strokes for different folks
And so on and so on and scooby dooby doo-bee
Oh sha sha - we got to live together
I am no better and neither are you
We are the same whatever we do
You love me you hate me you know me and then
You can't figure out the bag l'm in
I am everyday people, yeah yeah
There is a long hair that doesn't like the short hair
For bein' such a rich one that will not help the poor one
And different strokes for different folks
And so on and so on and scooby dooby doo-bee
Oh sha sha-we got to live together
There is a yellow one that won't accept the black one
That won't accept the red one that won't accept the white one
And different strokes for different folks

 

[TuckandStuiesMom]

Hey Lindy - no worries - it all fine - we're good.

Just to quote Sly-
Sometimes I'm right and I can be wrong
My own beliefs are in my song
The butcher, the banker, the drummer and then
Makes no difference what group I'm in
I am everyday people, yeah yeah
There is a blue one who can't accept the green one
For living with a fat one trying to be a skinny one
And different strokes for different folks
And so on and so on and scooby dooby doo-bee
Oh sha sha - we got to live together
I am no better and neither are you
We are the same whatever we do
You love me you hate me you know me and then
You can't figure out the bag l'm in
I am everyday people, yeah yeah
There is a long hair that doesn't like the short hair
For bein' such a rich one that will not help the poor one
And different strokes for different folks
And so on and so on and scooby dooby doo-bee
Oh sha sha-we got to live together
There is a yellow one that won't accept the black one
That won't accept the red one that won't accept the white one
And different strokes for different folks

Oh lord, he's channeling the sixties/seventies... Ya know -- I lived through that time period and the clothes REALLY were this awful...

 

[wallyb]

Oh lord, he's channeling the sixties/seventies... Ya know -- I lived through that time period and the clothes REALLY were this awful...

Now that shirt I would wear!
And I'd look hot in it too!

 

[TuckandStuiesMom]

Now that shirt I would wear!
And I'd look hot in it too!

I'm sure it and its brethern are all still around somewhere -- probably on a dusty hanger at a Goodwill Shop in East Bayonne. Polyester NEVER dies.

 

[ConcKahuna]

I <3 polyester, but I dont like stripes.

Get me some sort of other pattern and I'd wear it

 

[PghLybrt]

Wally and any others who are thinking that this was posted as a judgemental thing, it was not. .

I didn't take that way. If anything I think sometimes I am a bit judgemental the other way. I don't get the coupkes that stay togeather that do nothing but fight about who talked to who etc.

 

[Timon-n-Pumbaa Fan]

A bad relationship, is a bad relationship. It doesn't matter if it's open or monogamous. Communication and trust are key elements that must be maintained or else it is all for nothing.

While Corey and I are monogamous, we have never had any sort of spat over that sort of silly stuff. We talk everything to death. I can remember only 4 "fights" in our 9 years. None of them lasted more than a couple of hours. All of them were about nothing major, mostly a miscommunication of some sort. It's just not worth it to fight when you can spend time rationally talking about the issues before they become problems.