What's important about a wedding? (inspired by another thread)

[tiff211]

I go to weddings to support the bride and groom committing their lives to one another.

 

[LoraJ]

That's definitely what I feel is most important.
When we get married next year, we're just doing the ceremony and taking everyone out to dinner.

If anyone finds that tacky, that's their problem, not ours.

 

[phisigprincess]

I'll tell you what isn't - pew bows and flowers on the altar! It took me quite some time to convince our mothers of that.

 

[Hercules10]

I just support the bachelor party before the groom takes his vows of matri-agony.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Celebration of a new life together. A "wedding" is not necessary for marriage though.

 

[Shugardrawers]

I am so glad you said that. I keep reading threads about weddings (not just the current one) and people can be so snobby. Who cares if there is alcohol or just punch? Who cares if they all sit around in their shorts roasting hot dogs or have a 10 course sit down meal? Who cares if the bride has been married once already and has 3 kids by 3 fathers and still wants to wear a white gown and veil? It's about a couple with enough faith in themselves and each other to take the leap. If you are close enough to be invited you should be close enough to overlook some bending of "etiquette" rules.

There are of course, certain things that are tacky and impolite no matter who your guests are, but for the most part I haven't read much that I would really consider all that bad.

When we got married, we were really broke. We had a straight cake and punch reception and then a no host dinner at a restaurant. Since everyone was family or very close friends no one was offended that we weren't buying their dinner or giving them free booze. They all understood. I did learn the real meaning of being flamed when I mentioned this on my 2001 brides to be message board though. Apparently we should have run off to the JP in shame and alone because we weren't able to have a full sit down dinner with band and open bar Even better, many posters told me to postpone the wedding until we could have the fancy party. It's not about the wedding, it's about the marriage

 

[kelleigh1]

Hubby and I got married in Jamaica. We wanted simple and that's what we went for. We didn't want the arguments over dresses, flowers, centerpieces, etc. and thought we'd avoid all that with a private beach wedding in Jamaica.

But then the IL's decided they needed to have a reception for us when we got back. That was more of a hassle than it was worth. They didn't care about what we wanted. It was all about impressing their friends and their expectations. I just wanted to tell MIL that her guests needed to lower their expectations. Hubby was very close to telling her to enjoy her party and that we wouldn't be there. She finally backed off a little. But only after they got their way on the centerpieces. (I just wanted votive candles and rose petals, they had to get this elaborate centerpiece that I hated. We didn't take one home and we refused to have one on our table.) We did finally get her to bend on the menu which was a ridiculous argument. (Really, with the buffet we could choose 7 things. I chose 2 beef, 2 chicken, 2 seafood and a pork. She had to argue with me about all of them.) It's funny that the one item that she insisted had never been served at any reception she'd ever been to and she didn't think anyone would eat it was the first tray that they needed to refill.

At the reception, MIL's best friend proceeded to bad mouth my parents because (a) they should have gone to Jamaica for the ceremony no matter what (We didn't invite anyone, IL's begged us to let them come along, so we finally gave in.); (b) my father should have been wearing a tux to the reception. (I chose his clothes and told him he didn't need to.); and (c) the engagement bbq that we'd had the year before was tacky and we didn't have any class.

Needless to say, I've never spoken to that woman since and I fear that if I ever do see her again, I might just hit her. It ticked me off to no end that she had the nerve to say anything since she's not even related to either of us.

For the most part, we forget about the reception and relive the actual ceremony because that was just about us.

 

[mickeyfan2]

A sincere couple who knows why they are getting married, not a look at me I'm the bride party and I just found a guy to complete my plans.

 

[disykat]

One thing I know - it's not the food! I can't believe all the "we went to a wedding a didn't get any/enough food" rants I read on this board.

We had a religious ceremony followed by cake, etc. I'd do it the same way again. In my mind I was inviting people to a religious ceremony, not a party. It never occurred to me at the time that anyone would see anything wrong with that.

 

[Chicago526]

I got lucky. I found the man of my dreams AND had a beautiful and meaningful ceramony and an elegant reception, EVERYTHING went off without a hitch and no parents and/or inlaws insisting on what they wanted (neither my parents nor DH's mother are the type to begin with, and anyway DH and I paid for the whole thing ourselves so the only opinons that mattered were ours!).

But the "marriage" part of getting married is the most important thing, of course! Everything else is just window dressing.

 

[ohiominnie]

When we were married we followed the family tradition of church wedding followed by big hall, lots of food, open bar, and dancing. Now, looking back, it was a lot of money spent just to put on the "show" and it really wasn't what our "marriage" should be about. There are things I'd have done differently if I wasn't "expected" to do them a certain way....but that's in the past and I've moved on.

 

[U2_rocks!]

One thing I know - it's not the food! I can't believe all the "we went to a wedding a didn't get any/enough food" rants I read on this board.

We had a religious ceremony followed by cake, etc. I'd do it the same way again. In my mind I was inviting people to a religious ceremony, not a party. It never occurred to me at the time that anyone would see anything wrong with that.

In all fairness, if you're invited to a wedding where the ceremony starts at 4.30 or 5, is over around 5 or 5.30, the reception is 30 minutes drive away, when you arrive you go through a reception line to greet the bridal party, then you stand around with a few cocktails while pictures are being taken, and now it's about 7 p.m., either you need to be served food, or you need to leave! Won't most people be starting to get pretty hungry by this time? Food is most certainly not necessary in some cases, but in others you absolutely must feed your guests, or they will go home. Or, they will stand around starving and grumpy, wondering if food is going to appear at any moment, and not wanting to appear rude by leaving .......

I'm not saying there was anything at all wrong with the way you did your wedding at all, please don't think that. But there are others that take place at a meal time and no (or not enough) food is served to satisfy anyone's normal level of hunger. I think that's bad etiquette in general (not just for weddings).

 

[mommaU4]

I am so glad you said that. I keep reading threads about weddings (not just the current one) and people can be so snobby. Who cares if there is alcohol or just punch? Who cares if they all sit around in their shorts roasting hot dogs or have a 10 course sit down meal? Who cares if the bride has been married once already and has 3 kids by 3 fathers and still wants to wear a white gown and veil? It's about a couple with enough faith in themselves and each other to take the leap. If you are close enough to be invited you should be close enough to overlook some bending of "etiquette" rules.

There are of course, certain things that are tacky and impolite no matter who your guests are, but for the most part I haven't read much that I would really consider all that bad.

When we got married, we were really broke. We had a straight cake and punch reception and then a no host dinner at a restaurant. Since everyone was family or very close friends no one was offended that we weren't buying their dinner or giving them free booze. They all understood. I did learn the real meaning of being flamed when I mentioned this on my 2001 brides to be message board though. Apparently we should have run off to the JP in shame and alone because we weren't able to have a full sit down dinner with band and open bar Even better, many posters told me to postpone the wedding until we could have the fancy party. It's not about the wedding, it's about the marriage

This whole post was wonderful, especially the part I highlighted.

I am so sorry you were told such mean things about your wedding. That is really too bad. And I am glad you went ahead and did what was right for you and made the two of you happy. That's what it is all about after all.

When I got married we had the wedding that was right for us. Not my mom, or cousin, or neighbor or some stranger on the internet. And we were happy with it.
In fact, for our get away car, DH took the roof off his Jeep and there were balloons tied to it and we drove like that from our wedding in L.A. to our hotel about 30 minutes away. It was so fun! It was in June and the weather was warm and people were honking and waving. And we pulled up to the Sheraton Universal like that. Was it tacky cause it wasn't in some fancy limo??

Don't know, don't care.

(ETA: Here is a pic. We were happy, that's all that mattered to us.)

 

[Philagoofy]

You mean gift registries, expensive gowns & bridal dresses, fancy tuxedo's, country club receptions, flowing booze, ornate flower centerpieces, multiply bridal showers, ad nauseaum are not required for a happy wedding or a good marriage?

Do you know people can't get together & have a good time unless they try & top the proverbial Jones? Same with the customs for the younger set, the religious ceremonies that rival some weddings. What are they going to have to look forward to. How about baby's first birthday party, hire clowns, go all out cause Jr. will remember it for the rest of his life.

I'm not knocking nice weddings, ceremonies & parties, if you've got the money, fine but if you're going into hock or sending a relative there for a one day event, getting all worked up and spending more time worrying about that one day, .

Of course it's each person's decision to handle things the way they want. Ok, not always, you have bridezilla, whose intended may not care about just the right color pink roses & dresses or mom, who has to orchestrate the whole shebang. But people can speak up.

And why do people feel they HAVE to attend all of the showers for one couple & provide gifts each time. Especially couples who already have their own homes and necessities. Showers used to be to help out new couples with things they need for everyday living.

But any way, big, medium or small, expensive, moderate, cheap or tacky, some marriages work, some don't.

 

[wendy46001]

Our wedding was a reflection of us and who we are as a couple...
It was a celebration of the life we were starting....

While the meaning can get lost in the little details (its very sad when that happens) but I do feel every wedding is filled with good intentions and dreams of happiness....

As for our dream it just happened to include a Disney Fairy Tale...wouldnt change a thing

 

[mommaU4]

I am so glad you said that. I keep reading threads about weddings (not just the current one) and people can be so snobby. Who cares if there is alcohol or just punch? Who cares if they all sit around in their shorts roasting hot dogs or have a 10 course sit down meal?

I had to quote you again cause the more I think about it, the more I love the hot dog roasting idea!!

I could totally see myself doing that. A beach wedding right at sunset with a huge bonfire after. How fun!
I also actually like the Halloween themed wedding that someone attended on the other thread. Sounded really cool to me, especially as someone who loves Halloween!

When I was planning my wedding I also thought about having it on a farm with hayrides for the kids and carriage rides for the adults, and checkered table cloths on long picnic tables, with BBQ ribs, corn on the cob, and all the yummy sides. LOL

I guess you could say I am not one for convention. I like to have fun and be relaxed and different. Plus I am not really religious so the thought of a church ceremony didn't work for me. We ended up with an outdoor ceremony which was quite lovely.

DH and I plan to renew our vows sometime soon. (we've been married for 13 years now, together for almost 18)
I have lots of great (and possibly tacky!) ideas now.

 

[Laura]

There is a big difference between an inexpensive weenie roast reception and one where half the guests have to pay for their own alcohol while the other half doesn't. Etiquette shouldn't be ignored, but that doesn't mean you have to have all the trimmings. I've been to wedding receptions with no alcohol, no full meal, inexpensive wedding attire, etc. That's not what's tacky. Tacky weddings can cost major moolah. It's all in how the guests are treated, the attitude of the bride and groom. If my wedding hadn't been about my marriage and instead I wanted to impress everyone who was invited with how cool or rich I was, isn't that tacky too? I think so.

 

[kelleigh1]

When I was planning my wedding I also thought about having it on a farm with hayrides for the kids and carriage rides for the adults, and checkered table cloths on long picnic tables, with BBQ ribs, corn on the cob, and all the yummy sides. LOL

Can I come? Sounds like a darn good time to me and hubby would love it because (a) he could wear jeans and (b) he could eat ribs. He'd be in heaven.

 

[phisigprincess]

Our rehearsal dinner was pizza and beer in my parents' backyard which some person *cough, MIL, cough cough* thought was exceedingly tacky. In the end, everyone said it was one of the most fun rehearsal dinners they had ever been to. AND DH and I were destressed and ready to go for the next day. I agree with all of you, impressing your friends is not what matters.

 

[Shugardrawers]

There is a big difference between an inexpensive weenie roast reception and one where half the guests have to pay for their own alcohol while the other half doesn't. Etiquette shouldn't be ignored, but that doesn't mean you have to have all the trimmings. I've been to wedding receptions with no alcohol, no full meal, inexpensive wedding attire, etc. That's not what's tacky. Tacky weddings can cost major moolah. It's all in how the guests are treated, the attitude of the bride and groom. If my wedding hadn't been about my marriage and instead I wanted to impress everyone who was invited with how cool or rich I was, isn't that tacky too? I think so.

Exactly! I personally have no problem with a cash bar but if it's cash for me but free for Uncle Bob, I got a problem with that. It's telling a particular group of people they are inferior. If they are so inferior why are you inviting them at all? Why, for the gift of course. Because their money isn't inferior.

I love a beautiful wedding. I think if you've got the money to do it, and you want it, go ahead and spend all you want on that blowout party. It just seems to me that an awful lot of people think inexpensive = tacky.

It is certainly bad manners not to send a thank you note but I don't give gifts because I want a note in return. I wouldn't blow a friendship over it. It's definitely bad form to have your cake and punch reception during a traditional meal time but it's even worse form to grouse to everyone later about how tacky it was that you didn't get champagne and baron of beef. After attending a wedding that was full of breaches of good manners and hospitality once, all my grandma would say was "The bride was lovely and I hope they are very happy". If you can't say something nice.....


ETA: just thought I'd share a pic of me and my bridesmaids at my ultra tacky wedding. If nothing else, the bride was lovely and they are very happy together