What Would You Do ??

[charmin1976]

I know I'll get crucified for posting this on a message board, but it's early and I have no one to turn to and just need some help.

I received an e-mail this morning from a former girlfriend of my son (age 28). She is a therapist and has no axe to grind with him. This is her note:

I am exceptionally worried about ***. He is struggling so very much and has almost isolated himself completely from life. We have contact via texts, rarely face to face, even at work, but enough to know that he is in dire need of help and support. He has a total sense of hopelessness and no desire to live the life he is currently living. He has made some threats that are concerning and seem to be getting more serious. His drinking is totally out of control and I am fearful for his wellbeing. He would be so angry at me for doing this. He is such a wonderful person, but he refuses to forgive himself for what happened to his marriage. His loneliness and isolation are self induced punishments.The lack of time with his daughter has devastated him. I have tried my best to remind him of all of his strengths and the positives for the future, but he will hear nothing of it. I am sorry that you have to hear this, but as a mom I know I would want to know. My greatest fear is that if he knows I shared this with you, he will shut me out completely and then no one will know how he is really doing. But I am afraid that we are all going to lose him, if I don't. I apologize for the timing, not wanting you to start your day with worries, but I feel it cannot wait until later."

What does a person do with this information?? He lives six hours away from me and I don't know how to proceed.

Any ideas?

Charm

 

[NHdisneylover]

Wow I cannot imagine getting that. You must be so worried and frightened.

I think it is really good that she contacted you and let you know her concerns. What have been your impressions of your son's emotional state lately? Do you feel she is right in her impressions?

Are you single or do you have a spouse to support you in this?

I guess I would try to at least just call your son and see if you can make plans to take him out to visit and take him to dinner this weekend or something. Or, depending on HOW bad you think it is maybe you need to jsut drop everything ad go now. Hopefully it is not that serious as of yet though.

Can you call this person and have a more specific conversation about what her concerns are and why she has them? you say she is a therapist--perhaps she will have some specific ideas for you if you ask.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Adding--if you have the feeling your son will not allow you to help him and draw back further if you try to visit, etc can you manufacture a need to have him help YOU? Maybe that would work better?

 

[AristocatFan]

wow. Do you have any feeling that she may be right? Is there someone else that is near him that you can get their opinion? If he's this bad there should be others witnessing it as well. As for what I'd do...I'd be contacting my son about my concern for him without revealing the email.

 

[Carly_Roach]

I agree with the others. Phone call first. Just because she's making a judgment based on her views, that doesn't mean her judgment is correct. Call him and assess the situation yourself.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I know I'll get crucified for posting this on a message board, but it's early and I have no one to turn to and just need some help.

I received an e-mail this morning from a former girlfriend of my son (age 28). She is a therapist and has no axe to grind with him. This is her note:

I am exceptionally worried about ***. He is struggling so very much and has almost isolated himself completely from life. We have contact via texts, rarely face to face, even at work, but enough to know that he is in dire need of help and support. He has a total sense of hopelessness and no desire to live the life he is currently living. He has made some threats that are concerning and seem to be getting more serious. His drinking is totally out of control and I am fearful for his wellbeing. He would be so angry at me for doing this. He is such a wonderful person, but he refuses to forgive himself for what happened to his marriage. His loneliness and isolation are self induced punishments.The lack of time with his daughter has devastated him. I have tried my best to remind him of all of his strengths and the positives for the future, but he will hear nothing of it. I am sorry that you have to hear this, but as a mom I know I would want to know. My greatest fear is that if he knows I shared this with you, he will shut me out completely and then no one will know how he is really doing. But I am afraid that we are all going to lose him, if I don't. I apologize for the timing, not wanting you to start your day with worries, but I feel it cannot wait until later."

What does a person do with this information?? He lives six hours away from me and I don't know how to proceed.

Any ideas?

Charm

Make contact with him and go from there.

 

[Liberty Belle]

I'd call him and invite him up and see what his response is. Then I'd go from there, but I wouldn't hesitate getting in the car and driving to him (because you've "been really missing him lately" or because "you just sounded sad on the phone") or, if you cannot get in touch with him and are worried.

Is there a reason he doesn't see his daughter often? Maybe you can help him work on a plan for that.

I'm sure this is a huge worry to you and you and your son are in my prayers.

 

[disneychic2]

How often do you see or talk to your son? Would his ex have anything of value to say or is it too strained between everyone? If you talk to him frequently and haven't noticed anything different, you may want to talk to him with a new ear now that you have this information.

Someone who is as close as this woman seems to be to your son and educated in the field of human observation is probably on to something. I would contact her and talk in more detail about her concerns and maybe get some insight from her as to how to proceed. Good luck to you and I'll be praying for you and your son.

 

[SKWDW]

Wow, you shouldn't be crucified for worrying about your son.

Call your son and get a feel for how he sounds to you. If you're not sure, then a visit to him as soon as you can swing it would probably be in order. Good luck.

 

[Tuffcookie]

Liberty Belle wrote: I'd call him and invite him up and see what his response is. Then I'd go from there, but I wouldn't hesitate getting in the car and driving to him (because you've "been really missing him lately" or because "you just sounded sad on the phone") or, if you cannot get in touch with him and are worried.

This is what I would do. Thank goodness this person let you know she was concerned.



TC

 

[stinkerbelle's mom]

I would call him and try to make some plans with him in the near future to get together.

It's nice that the ex sent you the message to give you some kind of warning of strange behavior. However, it could be that he's a bit distant with her due to the breakup so it comes off as him having issues.

Best wishes.

 

[happygirl]

If it was me I would try to get in contact with some of his close friends and see if they get the same vibe she does. I wouldn't contact him yet. If you do and he's is having issues that might push him over the edge.

 

[Liberty Belle]

If it was me I would try to get in contact with some of his close friends and see if they get the same vibe she does. I wouldn't contact him yet. If you do and he's is having issues that might push him over the edge.

From hearing from his mother? Or do you mean if she mentions about the email?

OP, any news yet?

 

[happygirl]

From hearing from his mother? Or do you mean if she mentions about the email?

OP, any news yet?

both, If he thinks his mother is worried about him he might not be able to handle that.
If this guy is as bad off of this girls says he is, anything might push him over the edge.

 

[Sadie22]

If I received a message about this there is nothing that would keep me from doing whatever I could to help him. I would speak to this girl if possible and ask her suggestions. Then I would be on my way.

 

[dislaney]

Liberty Belle wrote: I'd call him and invite him up and see what his response is. Then I'd go from there, but I wouldn't hesitate getting in the car and driving to him (because you've "been really missing him lately" or because "you just sounded sad on the phone") or, if you cannot get in touch with him and are worried.

This is what I would do. Thank goodness this person let you know she was concerned.



TC

I agree with the above posters. Get in touch and see what kind of response you get. I probably would go there, no matter what the response, just to see for myself if everything was okay too.

 

[charmin1976]

Now I'm really confused .... I wrote back to her at 4:47 AM and still haven't heard anything. I contacted my Ex, his Dad, but no suggestions from him -- he's going down at Easter and thinks that's soon enough.

I don't know her phone number or that of his friends. He has isolated himself since the divorce.

I'd be in the car driving down there except that I had hip surgery nine weeks ago and sitting in a car for six or more hours would be very difficult. That's why I'm waiting to see what's up.

Thanks for all of your suggestions. I'm going to try calling him after work -- just the usual "How's it going?" phone call from Mom and go from there.

Charm

 

[ols386]

If I were in your shoes, op, I'd definitely call him. Just to try and get a sense of how he is doing, which may be hard to do over the phone. Could you suggest or ask if he might be able to make the drive to you, rather than you driving to him, since you've had hip surgery?

 

[Mandyjg20]

Is there anyone else family member like aunt, uncle, cousin who could do the drive to get to him?

 

[bellebud]

I'm so sorry! I'd be very worried. I wish your Ex was taking this a bit more seriously!

Call your ds, and like someone else suggested, can you make something up for him to come to you? That you (or someone) needs him for something? Does he have an ex, or his child's mom you could call? (or maybe not a good idea, depending on the kind of person she is).

Please keep us updated.