What would you do?

[act1980]

Ok, I have got a pretty tough decision to make.

My parents are being really difficult about my wedding and I feel like I am on a roller coaster.

Basically one minute they say they will go to my wedding and then they say they may not (due to finances)
They have known for at least 3 years that we were planning on getting married abroad (we live in the UK). I wouldn't mind so much but they both smoke and drink heavily therefore wasting a ton of money. My childhood also revolved around pubs, alcohol, gambling and smoking and as children we never came first.

Also, my Mum is an alcoholic. I begged her not to drink on my wedding day and she promised me that there was no way she would ruin my day. Anyway, I asked her last weekend 'your not drinking at my wedding are you'? She replied with 'well, hopefully not, no'!! WTH!!! What kind of answer is that!! So now I am on tenter hooks because of that as well. The whole thing is really getting to me now. I just don't understand why you would want to upset your first born daughter on what is meant to be the happiest day of her life!

I just feel like they should be trying to make it up to me now but they are still being totally selfish.

I am all over the place and trying to plan a wedding abroad is stressful enough without having this to worry about this as well.

My question is, should I just tell them no to bother? They way I know where I stand and can just move on. Otherwise I feel like they are in control and all the while I am going to be up and down, and on the lead up to my wedding will be worrying about whether my Mum will be drinking or not.

Ahhh, what to do. Someone please help me.

 

[tinkerbell 766]

This is a tough one!!
I know how you feel as my ex-husband was a heavy drinker which is presisely why he is ex!!!
If I am being brutally honest, I would tell them not to bother. If they come, even with a half-hearted promise of not drinking, you would only be worried the whole time and not relax and enjoy your day!!
It sounds like you owe them nothing so give exactly that.
Your wedding day is the one day when you can be selfish!!
Good luck sweetie!!

 

[auralia]

if your parents were to die say 2 weeks after your wedding and you told them not to come would you look back on it and regert it? or would it be easier if they had decided not to on their own? or of course if they do come and they start getting out of hand i'm sure disney would remove them as awful as that would be i think i would always wonder if i told them not to come.

 

[ColeV]

When I was writing up my guest list I went through a lot of agony trying to decide whether or not to invite my father. I knew there was no way he would come with out his wife and I knew that chances are there would be some sort of confrontation. They both hate my mother, and she's not fond of them either. My step-mother would start something and my mother wouldn't be willing to walk away. I ended up not inviting him. Not only because I knew that I would be worried all day long what might happen, but because he just wasn't a part of my life. I wasn't going to regret not having him there nearly as much as I might regret some nasty fight on my wedding day.
That's what it really comes down to. Yes, the anxiety of what might happen would be terrible. But you have to weigh it against not having them there at all. It's sad when you have to make that decision because the parents are acting more like the children. Make sure they understand what you're going through, if they blow it off and think you're being stupid about it, then maybe they aren't going to take things seriously enough on your day.
If they do come, is there someone who can watch your mother to make sure she doesn't break her promise, so you don't have to do that all night? A family member or a friend who could at least tell you even if they can't do anything about it. Then you can let it go and deal with it only if the situation arises, and be able to deal with it quickly before it becomes an issue.

 

[amyy]

This is a really tough one and you have had some excellent feedback. Will you be having an at home reception where they can be included? I would probably leave it up to them for now but I am not in your shoes.

Will you be having a reception where there is alcohol? Granted I know she could drink before etc. I wonder if a morning wedding at 10:00 would make it less likely she would drink? We are having lunch at noon with no bar. I wonder if you didn't want alcohol if there was a nice location where this wouldn't be an issue/temptation.

I will say I am glad you are going ahead with your wedding in Florida because this is your special day!!

 

[peimikes]

Your not marrying your parents. Wouldn't worry about them, my wife and I told our own parents each if they came they came, but our wedding day was our not their's . This applied most to NOT So DMIL.

 

[dreams4disney]

Would it be possible to say something to the effect of "I understand if you can not make it and I will not be upset" or " Please don't feel like you have to come I know it is my wedding but I don't want you to feel like you have to do this".
From what you said I wouldn't want them their if I thought they were going to ruin my day with worry or anxiety. Maybe if you somehow let them know you are not going to be upset if they can't make it they will come to the choice not to go on their own. Honestly if they knew for three years and they are acting like this I would worry it would cause you more stress than needed.
I didn't speak to my mother for a few weeks before my wedding and didn't talk to her till that morning. It was very uncomfortable. She has always been a bit difficult when things don't go her way.

On another note becuase of how the wedding went DH and I renewed our vows last year for our 15th wedding anniversary. We didn't tell anyone or have anyone with us it was very special and romantic.

I am sure my reply was not much help. I hope everything works out!

 

[act1980]

if your parents were to die say 2 weeks after your wedding and you told them not to come would you look back on it and regert it? or would it be easier if they had decided not to on their own? or of course if they do come and they start getting out of hand i'm sure disney would remove them as awful as that would be i think i would always wonder if i told them not to come.

The problem is, they have always been invited. They are going the right way of being uninvited as they keep telling me one thing and then another. They have been in control the whole time while I have been all over the place now knowing whats going on or what will happen on the day.

When I was writing up my guest list I went through a lot of agony trying to decide whether or not to invite my father. I knew there was no way he would come with out his wife and I knew that chances are there would be some sort of confrontation. They both hate my mother, and she's not fond of them either. My step-mother would start something and my mother wouldn't be willing to walk away. I ended up not inviting him. Not only because I knew that I would be worried all day long what might happen, but because he just wasn't a part of my life. I wasn't going to regret not having him there nearly as much as I might regret some nasty fight on my wedding day.
That's what it really comes down to. Yes, the anxiety of what might happen would be terrible. But you have to weigh it against not having them there at all. It's sad when you have to make that decision because the parents are acting more like the children. Make sure they understand what you're going through, if they blow it off and think you're being stupid about it, then maybe they aren't going to take things seriously enough on your day.
If they do come, is there someone who can watch your mother to make sure she doesn't break her promise, so you don't have to do that all night? A family member or a friend who could at least tell you even if they can't do anything about it. Then you can let it go and deal with it only if the situation arises, and be able to deal with it quickly before it becomes an issue.

You have hit the nail on the head! I need to decide what would be worse, I think having the worry leading up to the day would be worse. If I make a decision for them no to be there at least I know where I stand and I won't we worrying about them ruining my day or not coming.

I have told them how I feel but they just don't care. I get annoyed with myself as I think if they don't care then why should I? Thanks for your constructive reply, food for thought

This is a really tough one and you have had some excellent feedback. Will you be having an at home reception where they can be included? I would probably leave it up to them for now but I am not in your shoes.

Will you be having a reception where there is alcohol? Granted I know she could drink before etc. I wonder if a morning wedding at 10:00 would make it less likely she would drink? We are having lunch at noon with no bar. I wonder if you didn't want alcohol if there was a nice location where this wouldn't be an issue/temptation.

I will say I am glad you are going ahead with your wedding in Florida because this is your special day!!

Thanks for your reply, yes we will be having a party when we get home and there will be alcohol at the Disney reception. OH and I don't drink so it would be solely for our guests

Your not marrying your parents. Wouldn't worry about them, my wife and I told our own parents each if they came they came, but our wedding day was our not their's . This applied most to NOT So DMIL.

That is very true!

 

[amyy]

I think I would make a point to include them in the reception at home and go to Disney stress free. I can see this stress just weighing you down everyday. It could be terrible on your wedding day but I am wondering if you can even enjoy the fun of planning.

Do you think they will end up going anyway? You mentioned the financial issue. If only they could tell you one way or the other.

take care

 

[act1980]

I think I would make a point to include them in the reception at home and go to Disney stress free. I can see this stress just weighing you down everyday. It could be terrible on your wedding day but I am wondering if you can even enjoy the fun of planning.

Do you think they will end up going anyway? You mentioned the financial issue. If only they could tell you one way or the other.

take care

I think that's exactly what will happen if they come.

I really don't know if they will go, since I posted this thread I have had a huge fall out with my Mum so we are not speaking at the moment. I have told her that she is not welcome at my wedding. Harsh I know but things have been getting worse lately hence my post.

Thanks for your input

 

[girli565]

I think that's exactly what will happen if they come.

I really don't know if they will go, since I posted this thread I have had a huge fall out with my Mum so we are not speaking at the moment. I have told her that she is not welcome at my wedding. Harsh I know but things have been getting worse lately hence my post.

Thanks for your input

I'm sorry it's gotten worse. Hugs.

 

[WDWBride04/19/2010]

I'm so sorry to hear this! Sadly, I have heard of similar situations with at least the mother of the bride upsetting the first born daughter w/the wedding and on the day of. The only reason I voted to leave it in their hands is that if you tell them not to bother, that may cause even more drama and stress from them possibly being hurt. Hopefully they will decide they can't come. I know that's a sad hopefully because they should want to come and should've planned better financially in order to come, but since that is the least stressful end result, I hope for that for you. I hope D.F.'s parent(s) aren't giving you any stress.