What would you do with a sister who is drifting away?

[DVC Sadie]

Right you are not kids. Your relationship is changing. So you can either fight it or accept the change.
Not easy, I know, believe me. I think acceptance of how things are is the hardest thing to do for a human being. I really do.

ITA.

Acceptance is the hardest to accept due to our own needs, feelings or wants.


auntpolly, there may come a time when your sister wants a closer relationship with you and the rest of your family but until then maybe you could step back and let her go. I realize that is a very hard thing to do.

 

[canwegosoon]

I know in some churches that "saved" members should not associate with other non belivers(or non-saved), since they are not truly following the word of God. I don't want to turn this into a debate...just offering a possible answer for OP. If this is the case...no matter what you do, you cannot be right unless you accept her religious beliefs. I would ask BIL if this is the case -point blank. I wish you the best-

 

[Wishing on a star]

And besides, it doesn't seem like I have a choice anyway.

These are the key words here!
A relationship has to be mutual, by definition.
You have gotten some good advice here.
If you try to 'force' things, it could end up making things worse.

Now, I know that I risk being misunderstood here. And, I am ready for the flames. So, I want to preface this by saying that I am not giving these comments out of any real prejudice or agenda. Just relating what I think, based on my experiences and beliefs. I am trying to keep an open mind here.

I could personally probably not be Presbyterian or Catholic.
So, please do not read this as a simple protestant-anti Catholic post.

We visited a Presbyterian (PCA) church, after becoming friendly with the preachers wife. (We had a LOT in common, including our DS the exact same age) While I feel that they are on the money on many of their beliefs, like many churches, there are a couple of areas where they are really strong on something that I simply do not buy hook-line-and-sinker.

Basically, I felt like what could have been a wonderful friendship and church experience was thrown out the window, because it was obvious that if we did not join the church and buy their whole package entirely, then we were not accepted.

And, to tell the truth, as a 'saved' protestant, I also would have many issues with the Catholic Church. You mention how your sister may not feel that you are 'saved. I think that perhaps the whole concept/experience of being 'saved' is something that many Catholics do not really accept or understand?????? But, yes, I can see how your sister may feel that you are not 'saved'.

I think it is a reality that in many cases there is a real divide between Catholics and non-Catholics. Just stating the situation as I see it exists.

This is something that you might want to kind of tread easy on, and not try to force anything. As you mentioned, do you really have a choice?

I think instead of always 'calling' your sister, which is kind of forcing the issue. Back off for a while. And, instead of calling all the time, provide a real opportunity for the two of you to get together. For example, Hey, let's do lunch and check out the new restaurant... etc.

Basicly, just let her know that you are there, as her sister, forever.

The ball is clearly in her court right now.

 

[binny]

You say that this church has just recently become more evangelical? Does that mean they have a new pastor or new leadership?

That could be just like becoming a Christian all over again, especially if someone had "lost the spark" with their old pastor. The new one comes in and lights a fire under everyone behinds and its all about how wonderful the new pastor is and how they had been "missing it" all along before he got there.


Just a theory and I dont know the particulars but I can read the worry in your post and whether or not it has anything to do with her church or if she is just trying to live a seperate life I wanted to send you a . I know how painful family stress can be and how much we can want to fix things and get them back to normal.


My best wishes for you and your family.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I know in some churches that "saved" members should not associate with other non belivers(or non-saved

This sounds more cult-like.
I would not begin to assume that this is the case at all.

 

[auntpolly]

I think instead of always 'calling' your sister, which is kind of forcing the issue. Back off for a while. And, instead of calling all the time, provide a real opportunity for the two of you to get together. For example, Hey, let's do lunch and check out the new restaurant... etc.

.

I call her because we live 2 hours away from each other and can't just drop over or plan last minute plans together.

I just got off the phone with another sister (my nephew is having a graduation party) and I told her about what I've asked you all. She told me that the sister who is drifting away has declined the invitation to go to the party, and that they haven't talked in months. She said the last time she called her, she said "she had to go to the gym" and never called her back.

We agreed that there is nothing we can do, but we can't help wondering what the problem is. (bad breath? )

 

[auntpolly]

You say that this church has just recently become more evangelical? Does that mean they have a new pastor or new leadership?




My best wishes for you and your family.

Thanks! About the church, my sister has become part of a "movement" in the church to make it more evangelical. They actually kind of forced the old pastor out, and many old timers have left the church. My sister thinks this is good, because that in her opinion they hadn't been spiritual enough in the past.

Trust me, if someone said this stuff on the DIS, I'd probably be all over them like a cheap suit -- but I never criticize my sister. I figure it's not my business and her faith is her concern. If anything, I've told her I admire her conviction.

 

[Wishing on a star]

A couple of other questions.

Did this all begin when your sister moved two hours away?
Or, did you have a great long distance relationship that ended suddenly?
I am just trying to figure out how much of a factor the distance might be.

Also,
It just hit me how you end up talking to BIL. Is there any chance that BIL could actually be a big factor there?

 

[Wishing on a star]

Trust me, if someone said this stuff on the DIS, I'd probably be all over them like a cheap suit

Believe me, if your anti-protestant feelings are that strong, you don't have to say anything. Your sister is well aware of your feelings! Just as you are aware of her feelings about your Spiritual position.

 

[auntpolly]

A couple of other questions.

Did this all begin when your sister moved two hours away?
Or, did you have a great long distance relationship that ended suddenly?
I am just trying to figure out how much of a factor the distance might be.

Also,
It just hit me how you end up talking to BIL. Is there any chance that BIL could actually be a big factor there?

My sisters and I have been moving around the country ever since we all got married. None of us live where we all grew up, and if anything, we live closer in proxumity than we ever have. My BIL is a sweetie pie. We've been friends since we were in HS, and he's not much of a factor in anything (LOL, let's just say he doesn't exactly wear the pants in that family!!! )

 

[Wishing on a star]

(LOL, let's just say he doesn't exactly wear the pants in that family!!! )

So much for that possibility!!! LOL!!!

 

[auntpolly]

Believe me, if your anti-protestant feelings are that strong, you don't have to say anything. Your sister is well aware of your feelings! Just as you are aware of her feelings about your Spiritual position.

I'm not anti-protestant!!! Just anti- forcing people out of a church they grew up in!!!!

Surely all protestants aren't like that? Are they? No, of course not!

Besides that doesn't explain why she is treating my other protestant sisters the same way.

 

[Wishing on a star]

No, you are right! Of course we are not all like that!

And, it is wonderful that you seem to be so accepting, if your sister seems to be like that.

However, that seems to be where your sister is 'at' right now. And, for her, if may be difficult for her to place herself in that position with her family. She may not be as capable as you are of putting those beliefs or feelings on the back burner. She may feel like it is easier to avoid the situation all together???

In any case, her feelings are something that you can't control. So, as hard as it may be, then the best thing to do is to realize that you may not be able to have the close relationship that you would love to have with her right at this time.

 

[auntpolly]

Yeah, you are right. I just for some reason have this feeling that it's just not "for right now". I just hate to be one of those people who died not having spoken to her sister for years. But it's not my choice, so whaddyagonnado?

 

[momof2inPA]

With my sisters, it seems there are times in our lives when we need more of a connection than other times. I may go a whole month without talking to them. I love them, but am truly busy-- going to the gym, going to the kids' sports stuff, volunteering at school, doing Church stuff, etc. They are busy, too. I've seen the same happen in my DH's family, usually when the kids are between 7 and 17. When the kids are out of the house, the siblings gravitate more toward each other and their mom.

If it's the Church, there's no fighting the Holy Spirit. I think you'll just have to let her go a little until she wants or needs more of a relationship. I still think you should call, at least once a month and invite her to all the family get togethers, just don't expect her to talk long or attend.

 

[mouseRD]

I know how you feel about your sisters. I, too, have only sisters (3 of them!) & some issues with one of them, but for very different reasons. First of all, I want to say how great it is that you have such affection for your sisters & want to stay close. I think that is the greatest! I love my sisters too & it breaks my heart about my younger sister's issues.

Would it be possible that you might just plan a surprise weekend trip to see your sister (maybe you could tell your BIL, but have him keep it mum!) & just spend time with her; maybe arrange to have your BIL watch the kids, go out to dinner together, etc. You could even visit her church with her on Sunday & make your own assessment of what is going on there.

I'd also suggest that you pray for your sister & for the protection of her heart in the event that there is something cult-like about her church. I, too, think that a deeper relationship with God would cause you to want to be more involved with family, not less. Take care & God bless!

 

[ozarkmom]

Wow this sure doesn't sound like the Presbytarian Church. My local Methodist along with the Presbytarian, First Christian (Disciples of Christ) and our local Catholic Church all participate in ecumenical projects together. One of our biggest things is that we do Vacation Bible School together usually taking turns at the Methodist or Catholic because those 2 have the most room. Anyway I've never thought of a Presbytarian church being this way.

 

[auntpolly]

Anyway I've never thought of a Presbytarian church being this way.

Me either -- I grew up in the Presbyterian church. There seems to be some kind of movement to shake it up a little. At least in her church. According to my sister and her group, there should be more witnessing, more emotion, more singing modern songs....the old people in the church are quite upset. But my sister feels like they have been going through the motions and need to be shaken up.

LOL, different strokes. I like the Catholic Church for the tradition and for the fact that things hardly ever get that shaken up, but I am so into people doing whatever they feel comfortable with when it comes to faith. I do feel sorry for those old people at my sisters' church, though.

I don't even know if this is the problem though -- I might be jumping to conclusions, but I do know that she's spending most of her free time with church activities.

 

[Shugardrawers]

Whether the root cause is her religous beliefs or not, I just want you to know you aren't alone. My sister and I were so close, I moved to Germany to be with her, then moved to MS to be with her. They went to great lengths to get her Dh stationed here when my Dh had to transfer within his company. Then suddenly, early last summer she quit speaking to me. We used to hang out together daily, talk on the phone daily, play computer games daily, whatever one did, the other did. We even worked together.

Then one day it was all over. She calls long enough to ask a question and get an answer that's it. We haven't been shopping together in months. I lost my best friend. She's told me the issues in her life that have caused this (she swears it's not me) but I just am not able to truly understand and I think that upsets her. She found a new friend who's seen her more in the past week than I have in the past 3 months. It really saddens me. I really could use her support right now but she doesn't seem interested in putting our relationship back together.

The saddest break ups of all are those within a family. You can't just walk away and start your life over. You always feel like something is missing.

 

[auntpolly]

The saddest break ups of all are those within a family. You can't just walk away and start your life over. You always feel like something is missing.

Exactly! We share things no one else could. I don't understand how she can do without us!!! No, seriously, unless there's something she's not telling us. Some wrong we've done her.