What would you do? Question about keeping one twin back in 1st grade...

[lucky978]

As you can see in my signature, I am a mom of twin girls. They are both in the 1st grade. One of my daughters is having some issues in school, both academically and socially. Her teacher keeps saying, "She's just so young". She is starting to think she may need to be held in 1st grade for next year.

They were born 13 weeks premature and had a rough start in the beginning. If they had been born on their due dates, would only be in kidergarden right now.

The problem is that my other daughter is doing good in school. Her teacher says she is progressing normally and would have no reason to hold her back. She does receive some extra help with reading, and has had good results from this.

The principal suggests keeping both back if needed. Although it is still early, I am already starting to think about this as it may be a decision I need to make in a few months. There are pros and cons to both. But how would my daughter feel being one grade behind her sister throughout her school years knowing that she wasn't "good" enough to keep up. I would, obviously, try my best to make her not feel that way, but I'm sure she will at some point. That means they would graduate in different years, start college in different years, etc. It is a really big deal. I would also have to think that this will make them not as close as they would be growing up.

Help! What would you do?

 

[mommytotwo]

I would hold both of them back so that they don't feel different. Your daughter who is now ahead will be able to have an extra year learning things and maybe the teacher will give her more challenging work for her that will keep her advanced when she enters the first grade. While your other daughter will be able to get the help that she needs.
Since they are very young, it's better to keep them back now cause as they get older they may get teased by their friends for not passing a grade such as 5th or 6th.

 

[Blondy876]

My gut instinct would be to keep them both back. It is a hard decision, but it sounds like your one twin would benefit from being kept back too. I agree that it is a big deal and I would want to keep them together too.

 

[Beth76]

Wow that's a hard one. I don't really know what to say except that I agree with you, it would be a HUGE deal for them to be in different grades. That's really a double-edge sword because it's not really fair to have one struggling in a higher grade or have one bored in a lower grade. Is there a way to get the struggling daughter some extra help outside of class? Without knowing the extent of her "problems" I wonder if that's the best way to go.

 

[Mom2Ashli]

I personally would hold them both back. We have a situation like this at my DD's school. The are triplets and only one of them started Kindergarten this year. I see the other two just sitting in the car everyday waiting to pick him up and wonder how they feel about that.

 

[lucky978]

I see the other two just sitting in the car everyday waiting to pick him up and wonder how they feel about that.

Oh, that is just terrible! I thought my situation was bad, I never thought of triplets!

 

[Aimeedyan]

I would hold them both back, as well. Though one is doing okay, she probably would not be so advanced that things would be incredibly boring to her, esp if she's already had some reading struggles, she'll just have more time to work on that. There are always additional things you can to do challenge her, if need be.

I think the social ramifications of having them in seperate grades would be too high for me.

 

[mickeyboat]

I would keep them both back - as long as the one who was doing well would not be bored to tears with repeating. My brother was a year younger than me, but two years younger than me in school because I skipped a grade. He was teased relentlessly about it - even teachers would ask him about it. He has quite a complex about it even today.

Before I made that decision, though, I would investigate what types of assistance offered to your daughter who wasn't doing as well. Is it possible for her to cath up before the end of the year? Is there something she could do to benefit her over the summer?

I am faced with a similar situation. DD5 was born on Sept 2nd, the cut off for K is Sept 1. I did not think it would be to her advantage (especially socially) to request she start K early, so I chose not to. She is in Pre-K this year and is doing very well. DD4 was born less than one year later on August 27th. Although she would be the youngest in her class and be in the same grade as her sister, I chose not to hold her back, and started her in Pre-K at the same time. She is also doing very well. It seems to be working out for us. I asked the Pre-K teacher if I should hold DD4 back from K next year and she said absolutely not! She will be ready to go and she has developed a group of peers she is comfortable with. I know there will be stigma attached to both of them being in the same grade, but I have the "excuse" that it's because of the way the cut-off for K fell.

Good luck to you.

Denae

 

[Madi100]

I think that I would get the one who is struggling some extra help outside of school. Is she struggling socially because she is just shy? Ten extra years of 1st grade might not help that. Look back at your class when you were in school. Wasn't there always a shy one? I think the last thing I'd want to do is to hold the one back who didn't need to be held back. I couldn't imagine being in your situation. That would be a tough call. As much as you don't want to separate them and make your daughter who is struggling feel like she is inferior, you sure don't want the brighter one to feel like she is being held back because of her sister. There could be resentment both ways. Have you talked to the school counselor or anything like that?

I'm not sure if you brought up the 13 weeks early thing because that could have something to do with her being the way she is or if you are just saying that because if they had been born on their due date they wouldn't even be in the class they are in now. My daughter was also born 13 weeks early. She was born in Oct and should have been born in Jan. It wouldn't have affected when she started school, though. But, my daughter did skip a grade. So, just because she was early doesn't mean that your daughter would struggle with her classes.

Good luck with your decision.

 

[DisneyAddict_M]

Hi! I live in Salem, NH! My mom is a twin and was held back with her sister, even though she didn't need to be. Their situation was a little different, as my aunt is mildly mentally handicapped and my mother isn't. Anyway, my aunt stayed back a few times and my mother was always forced to stay back with her. According to my mother, she ended up teaching a lot of the other kids in the class and she was always more advanced than the other children. In other words, she was very bored. She ended up dropping out of school in the 10th grade. She was 20 years old, married and pregnant with my sister. Like I said, this is an extreme case, as she was held back more than once obviously. But if your other daughter is doing well in school, don't you think she might be a little too advanced to stay back? Is there an option not to have the other one stay back? When my brother was in kindergarten, his teacher wanted him to repeat the grade (because he was shy. Go figure. ). My parents refused, so he went on to first grade. He ended up doing very well. Since your daughters are so young, this may not be a bad idea if it's an option.

 

[Serena]

This is a hard decision. My sister has twins and they have almost the same problem. I guess luckily, in a way, they both benefitted by being held back in kindergarten.

In your circumstance, I don't know what to do. Hold them both back, making one bored and possibly resentful as time goes on. Or send them both ahead making things much more difficult for one.
Or seperating them. To me, personally, I would treat each like they were an only child. If one can advance, I'd advance her. If the other needed to stay back, then I would do that for her.

I don't know what I would do about the social ramifications of having twins in seperate grades. I know in highschool it might not mean so much, with different schedules and such, but in grade school, it will be difficult.

 

[Rafiki Rafiki Rafiki]

Have you considered separating them to make sure the one who has not progressed as quickly isn't feeling too much pressure?

I would say that whatever you do, keep them in the same grade level. My daughter is nearly exactly their age and was a surviving twin. She's always been the smallest one.

I think I would probably do everything I could to get her studies up to speed by reading with her every night, working with flash cards, and playing ordinary games with the both of them. I think more than anything, she'll need a boost in confidence to accomplish the task at hand....

 

[bananiem]

I would hold both back as well. I tend to look at the long run. When they're in high school and both 15 and it's time for driver's ed but only the one in 10th grade can take it and not the 9th grade one...Or dating (as in the guy drives)! Do you have one who has to wait a year until she's in the 10th grade (for example)too or do they both get to date at the same age, even though one may only be in 9th grade.

 

[Mom2Ashli]

Oh, that is just terrible! I thought my situation was bad, I never thought of triplets!

I guess they other two they didn't feel were ready to start school. He is so tiny and cute. He looks like he is 3 years old. But I do feel bad for the other two who get to hear about his day at school.

 

[poohandwendy]

This is a hard decision. My sister has twins and they have almost the same problem. I guess luckily, in a way, they both benefitted by being held back in kindergarten.

In your circumstance, I don't know what to do. Hold them both back, making one bored and possibly resentful as time goes on. Or send them both ahead making things much more difficult for one.
Or seperating them. To me, personally, I would treat each like they were an only child. If one can advance, I'd advance her. If the other needed to stay back, then I would do that for her.

I don't know what I would do about the social ramifications of having twins in seperate grades. I know in highschool it might not mean so much, with different schedules and such, but in grade school, it will be difficult.

I sort of feel the same way as Serena, just wondering if it would be better to treat them as individuals, because they really are. I don't know, how far do you go to keep them in 'twin' mode? This would really be a tough decision.

I guess it would really depend more on how much more mature the one is. If she is ready, you might really do her a disservice in effort to help the other. But, if it is 'iffy' that she move on too, no question, I would hold them both back.

I wish you luck with this, that would be hard decision to make.

 

[chrissyk]

I'd hold them both back. Hey! I just saw where you're from. I grew up in Methuen

 

[peachgirl]

I have a twin sister, so I know how important this is.

Under no circumstances would I hold one child back at this young age. My parents believed very strongly in allowing us each to be individuals, but the problems this could cause far outweigh any benefits.

I really see serious problems that could result from this. She might begin to feel inadequate and as you say not as "good" as her sister. I can see where this could, as time goes by, really cause her to resent her sister and you.

It really wouldn't be a problem with a single child, because at that age, they'll adjust and as they get older and it wouldn't hold any significance for them at all. With a twin, she would be constantly reminded of it as would all her peers.
Imagine how she's going to feel when kids ask her why she isn't in the same grade as her sister? It's a question she'll be asked over and over again.

Also, just one year apart in grades makes a huge difference as far as circle of friends and activities they are allowed to do, from sleepovers to dating and driving. It seems it would be a constant battle explaining why one child is allowed to do things the other is not.

I agree with your principle. If one needs held back, hold them both back. As young as they are it might not be a bad idea for both of them even though you say one is doing relatively well. While it would be nice to treat them as though they weren't twins, you can't. They are twins and that carries some special circumstances that simply have to be dealt with.

It sounds as though her problems in school aren't terribly serious...meaning it's not learning disabilites but simply a matter of being young and immature.
I can see that if she continues to have problems, you may at some point have to do allow your other daughter to move past her. I'm certainly not suggesting you sacrifice one for the other's well being. But you don't have to do it now.


Sorry to make this so long, but it's a subject that's very important to me and I really wanted to let you know the perspective of one who actually has to live through all the ups and downs of being a twin.

Good luck!

 

[MELSMICE]

Wow - as the mom of twin girls, this is a tough situation.

I honestly think I would either keep them both back or let them both continue on to 2nd grade & get additional help for the twin that is struggling a little.

I guess there are pros & cons to keeping them together or separating them, however, I think that the self-esteem of the twin that is struggling could be damaged so at this point it is better to keep them together.

You may want to get them each involved in their own activity so that they can each excel at their own thing. This is what we did when we realized that "twin B" was always doing better than "twin A". It gets crazy around here running them to different places all the time, but it is much healthier for them as individuals.

Whether they are a year apart in school or not they will have many of the same friends - but they will each have their own friends also.

Good luck with your decision. This is a very difficult one & one that only you & your DH can decide together.

 

[poohandwendy]

I would listen to Peachgirl, she made some really great points and has personal experience to back it up.

 

[*Fantasia*]

I would hold both of them back so that they don't feel different. Your daughter who is now ahead will be able to have an extra year learning things and maybe the teacher will give her more challenging work for her that will keep her advanced when she enters the first grade. While your other daughter will be able to get the help that she needs.
Since they are very young, it's better to keep them back now cause as they get older they may get teased by their friends for not passing a grade such as 5th or 6th.

Ditto! One may feel like a failure cause she was held back while the other one promoted to 2nd grade. They are still young, so holding them back now will not make much difference, but like the mommytotwo said "they may get teased" later if you they have to be held back at later grade.

I know you will make the right decision for your twins.