What would you do in this situation?

[disneynutt1225]

Almost 10 years ago, something bad happened between me and a boy I used to know. I pressed charges against him for what he did, but he only got a year probation and I got a year of therapy.

Fast forward almost 10 years....

A friend of mine is getting married this summer. I've known her for almost 5 years (actually, we went to high school together, so I've known her longer, but we really didn't become friends until we were working for the same company). Her mother is best friends with the boy's mother in the situation above. My friend won't invite me to her wedding because of what happened between me and said boy almost 10 years ago. I understand that, sort of...but here's the kicker....

I didn't find out WHY I wasn't getting invited to the wedding until this past weekend when I was talking to my Maid of Honor (she happens to be in this friend's wedding also). In fact, I haven't heard from my friend since my MOH got married in November (we were both in her wedding). She's been giving me the silent treatment I guess, and I didn't know why. It came up in conversation with my MOH because I said to her "Well, since it doesn't look like I'm invited to X's wedding (I figured that because I wasn't invited to either of her TWO, yes TWO showers) I can watch your kids for you that weekend so you can have a good time". That's when my MOH said to me, I didn't want to tell you, because I didn't want you to get upset, but this is why you're not invited to the wedding.

In all honesty, I'm a little hurt that my friend couldn't tell me this herself. I've been debating talking to her about it (not so I can get invited, just so I can tell her how I feel firsthand). Or, should I just chalk it up to a friendship that apparently meant nothing to her? What would you guys do?

 

[froglady]

Sounds like her mother gave her an ultimatum. I know it sounds harsh, but I'm old enough to know that friendships come and go, but family is forever, and if I were in her place, I would probably make the same choice.

That being said, I would probably just send her a congratulatory card with a note including the above sentiment, but adding that I was hurt but understand her problem.

Yes, talking to you about it would have been the "right" thing to do, and she showed a lack of concern for you by not doing so. All you can do is be the better person and still wish her well. The friendship may be ruined at this point, but by showing no hostility towards her, you have left the door open for a future reconcilliation. Now the burden is on her.

 

[Skywalker]

It sounds like she had a choice to make, and it doesn't seem like you two were all that close so the mother's friendship won out. I know it seems unfair and it must be so hard not to be hurt, but I'm sure she just doesn't want any problems with her mother or "that side" on her wedding day. It is just stress that no bride wants. She also doesn't really owe you an explanation if you in fact were not that close (sounds more like workplace buddies) because brides have to exclude a lot of people, for a lot of reasons. Hopefully you can be the bigger person and not let it ruin what with her - friendly aquaintances perhaps.

I personally would not mention it to her, unless she brings it up.

 

[crz4mm2]

Sounds like her mother gave her an ultimatum. I know it sounds harsh, but I'm old enough to know that friendships come and go, but family is forever, and if I were in her place, I would probably make the same choice.

That being said, I would probably just send her a congratulatory card with a note including the above sentiment, but adding that I was hurt but understand her problem.

Yes, talking to you about it would have been the "right" thing to do, and she showed a lack of concern for you by not doing so. All you can do is be the better person and still wish her well. The friendship may be ruined at this point, but by showing no hostility towards her, you have left the door open for a future reconcilliation. Now the burden is on her.

Well said and the BEST response. Very mature. Ball in her court.
(I'd be hurt too though).

 

[Tigger&Belle]

Too bad she couldn't have talked to you about it, at the very least. After 10 years I would hope that she could have invited all parties, let them know the situation, and then left it up to them. I don't know if you would have chosen to go or not, but at least it would have been in the open. She probably didn't want to chance any kind of a scene and it sounds like her mother was pressuring her, the mother wanting her friend there. Too bad it turned out like it did.

 

[disykat]

Frankly, I'd chalk it up to a friendship that is over. If you haven't talked to her since November and you aren't invited to her wedding things, that's probably that. If it were just the wedding, I'd think she might be keeping peace with her mom. However, since you feel like you've been ignored for months, I'd say she's chosen sides or weighed her priorities and decided it wasn't worth the controversy of being your friend if mom and her friend didn't want her to be.

Sad, but there are many reasons friendships end. It sounds like you weren't that close. I don't think I'd send a card - I'd just let it go. You don't actually know her reasons for excluding you, and sending her a card with snide little remarks about how you understand why she chose her mother over you sounds like trying to get the last word to me. (Sorry, I can't think of any way you could phrase it that wouldn't be construed as snide) Next time you see her, congratulate her like you would an aquaintance.

 

[KarenAylwood]

Sounds like her mother gave her an ultimatum. I know it sounds harsh, but I'm old enough to know that friendships come and go, but family is forever, and if I were in her place, I would probably make the same choice.

That being said, I would probably just send her a congratulatory card with a note including the above sentiment, but adding that I was hurt but understand her problem.

Yes, talking to you about it would have been the "right" thing to do, and she showed a lack of concern for you by not doing so. All you can do is be the better person and still wish her well. The friendship may be ruined at this point, but by showing no hostility towards her, you have left the door open for a future reconcilliation. Now the burden is on her.

I think I would do that, and then let it be- don't try to save the "friendship." She's made her choice and handled the situation as immaturely and inappropriately as possible. If anything, the note would let her know that you know and maybe make her think about her actions.

 

[auntpolly]

Just remember that she may be giving you the silent treatment because she's embarassed -- maybe she doesn't agree, but has to please her mom and doesn't know how to talk to you about it. Lots of times people do nothing when they should be doing something, just because it is an awkward situation.

It doesn't make it right, but maybe you could talk to her about it if the friendship means something to you. Maybe she'll be relieved that you brought it up and it will give her the chance to make things normal again.

If not, let it go.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Honestly you seem to be handling it well on your own. I am so sorry as I can imagine it must hurt alot to have a "friend" exclude you like that.

I guess I would see how things go after the wedding hoopla to make my determination.
If the friend "makes up for it", and is genuine about it then I might forget about it and chalk it up to a mother/bridezilla thing.
If she makes no attempt at explaination and totally blows you off, I would consider the friendship over.

 

[gris gris]

Is the boy being invited too or just the boy's mother? If it's just the mother being invited, I don't understand why the bride couldn't just say to her mother "XX is my friend and I'm inviting her to my wedding". Because if I'm understanding this correctly, the boy's mother must have requested that you not be invited? Just so she feels comfortable there? Why do her feelings matter more than yours? Now if the boy is actually invited too, and you were invited, would you go?

 

[auntpolly]

Is the boy being invited too or just the boy's mother? If it's just the mother being invited, I don't understand why the bride couldn't just say to her mother "XX is my friend and I'm inviting her to my wedding".

It's just not always that easy when planning a wedding. I remember when my friends and I were all planning weddings -- we would get together and get drunk telling each other horror stories about how everyone was trying to control things -- everyone was fighting about stuff -- don't invite this one, you have to invite that one, blah, blah, blah.

Weddings can just bring out the worst in people!!!!

 

[Miss Jasmine]

It's a shame that something that hurt you 10 years ago is hurting you again.

I think I would do what froglady suggested.

 

[RadioNate]

I'd give up the friendship. I too had an incident in HS with a boy. I was very hurt by the friends who still talked to him. In my eyes that ment that their friendship with him was more important than their friendship with me.

In you friend's situation, I'm sure her mother 'sided' with her best friend. They may discount your story and it is likely that the bride didn't want trouble between you and her mother's best friend. If the families are close it is also likely that HE is invited.

Weddings are such a stressful mess, I can't imagine having to deal with guests who can't be in the same room together.

I wouldn't send a card or go out of your way to do anything. I'm sure your friend just doesn't know what to say, so she's avoiding you.

At this point I'd let it go.

 

[horseshowmom]

In you friend's situation, I'm sure her mother 'sided' with her best friend. They may discount your story and it is likely that the bride didn't want trouble between you and her mother's best friend. If the families are close it is also likely that HE is invited.

I wouldn't send a card or go out of your way to do anything. I'm sure your friend just doesn't know what to say, so she's avoiding you.

At this point I'd let it go.

I tend to agree with this. Let it go and don't worry about it. (Honestly, I doubt that you really want to go socialize with this guy anyway if he's at the wedding. Maybe this is a good way of being "let off the hook", so to speak.)

I don't blame you for being hurt though (particularly when it involves the family of someone who has already hurt you before).

 

[jcsbama]

Blow her off! It's a friendship gone bad. Would you really want to be friends with someone that can't be honest with you? I wouldn't waste my money getting a card or any other wedding present for someone I'm supposed to be friends with but haven't spoken to in 7 months, especially now knowing the circumstances.

 

[Disney Doll]

If you haven't talked to her in 6 months, she's already not your friend.

Let it lie.

 

[disneynutt1225]

Thanks everyone for your responses.

I have pretty much already chalked it up as a bad friendship. I guess I just needed to vent!

And as far as I know, the boy isn't invited to the wedding, just the mother (and father). Oh well...live and learn!

 

[DisneyMommyMichelle]

just move on with your life and let her go. you said it yourself it's been months of feeling ignored.

 

[arminnie]

I pressed charges against him for what he did, but he only got a year probation and I got a year of therapy.

That is sounds VERY serious to me - not just some silly childhood prank. Anyone who would pick this person over you (he sounds vile) and who hasn't spoken to you in half a year is NOT your friend and doesn't deserve to be.

Good riddance to be rid of her.

 

[Aurora63]

I agree that this is not a friendship anympre. But I think you need to say something to her. Because it obviously bothers you, and if you keep it inside, it does no good and can cause you harm. Let it out somehow....send her a letter or talk to her in person if you think you can.

You are not being treated well, and you need to express that to her. It will probably not change things, but you will feel better that you stood up for yourself.