What would you do? Am I over reacting?

[KAMKIM]

It might be hard to type this out because I am so mad right now. To give a little history my mother watches both my kids while DH and I work, in the afternoon she also watches my nephews (my brother works 2nd shift, SIL works first) so its just a for a few hours until she gets out. SIL was going to school up until last May, twice a week I would watch the boys from the time I got out of work until 9 at night...having 4 kids in the house under the age of 7 ...yeah a little stressful at times, but I always disciplined their kids as I would mine, a simple time out and explanation of what they did, an apology and it would be forgotten...and always after a warning or two first. I never over stepped my boundaries, I knew I was their aunt, not their mother. While there were in my house I expected them to abide by my rules and sometimes they didn't....their kids ....no big deal I still love them almost as much as my own kids.

So anyways, today my mom has my girls and my brother brings over the boys as usual for him to go to work, my DD 5 was fighting with my nephew 3, she got mad and knocked him over. Not cool at all and no I would not tolerate this in my house....my mom dealt with it and gave her a time out and explained to her why this was wrong,...he's little, you dont hit...etc etc...it's over with....well apparently my brother flew off the handle was screaming at my daughter that she shouldn't be doing that and he's just a baby...then he tells my mom this is why I need to spank my kids and if that was his kid he would have hit her. DH and I dont spank our kids (not turning this into a debate, I dont agree with it so I dont do it - if you do and it works for you, great)

I am so upset about this for so many reasons. One I know my brothers temper and have seen him screaming at his own kids like an idiot, so I know if this is how he reacted infront of and to my daughter it probably scared the pants off her....I also feel like if you wouldn't talk to my kid like that infront of me or DH then you KNOW it was wrong, and no, he wouldn't dream of doing this infront of us especially DH. I feel like my mom corrected the situation and yes I would have also discussed it with her when I got home, I dont feel like he has the right or that anyone has the right to scream at my kid like that. She is only 5! she doesn't hear that at home, so I cant imagine how she felt.

I dont want to be unfair and make it seem like my brother is a total jack *** because he isn't and I love him dearly. He has been there for me so many times, but I need to defend my daughter and tell him what he did was wrong and I dont appreciate it. At least I feel like I should. do you think I'm making waves over nothing? Do I let it go? Am I allowing my daughter to be bullied by an adult if I do? Even if it is my brother he has no right to talk to her that way or suggest what my parenting style should be. (By the way, DH does not know about this - it wouldn't get taken lightly so I really dont think I'm going to say anything - future family functions could be stressful if I do)

At most her feelings were hurt, but I feel like I should say something. I would never scream at his kids, or my own like that for that matter. I know he was upset but seriously they are just kids, my nephew wasn't hurt and gives it just as much you know? This is not typical of my daughter either so its not she does it all the time and we all turn a blind eye or anything. I can understand his need to defend his son because that is what I'm feeling now, but to scream at a little girl?

I'm not big on family drama so part of me says let it go, especially because we do spend so much time with them - our kids are the same ages and just about all of our weekends are spent together with our kids playing (nicely for the most part)


well as you can see I'm rambling, I just dont know what to do, I dont want to do nothing and feel like I didnt' stand up for her - he can control himself, he is an adult and he would never do it infront of me or DH so I KNOW he can control his temper..

 

[lovemygoofy]

I'm sorry but your brother is a ******* if he goes off the handle yelling at children, his or any other. I wouldn't put up with it for one second. What did your mom say about his yelling and carrying on?

I'm not big into drama but I am big into what is right or wrong and flying off the handle is unacceptable. You'd put your child in a time out for having a temper tamtrum so why not call your brother on it? I'd call him on it and make sure he knew that he needed to apologize to my daughter for his actions because if not he'll do it again when a child makes another mistake.

 

[luvsJack]

Wow, that is a toughy! I would be upset too, but not sure what I would do. I think I would say something along the lines of "please, do not ever scream at my child again. We don't do that and you scared her and hurt her feelings". He may not even realize that he did scare her and it may make him feel bad enough to apologize to your daughter. He doesn't sound like a bad guy, just a bit high tempered maybe? If his kids are used to his yelling it may not even effect them and he wouldn't realize that it would really upset your child.

 

[mamacatnv]

Did your Mother address his behavior?

In reality if she was there she should have knocked him down a peg or two. As to his comments regarding the spanking he obviously does not agree with your discipline method and thinks your DD was being beastly and doesn't think you handle her properly - he can think whatever he wants, doesn't change things. Screaming at a 5 year old is not all the effective either and your Mother was present.

Since you are tight and your kids are together often I think I would let it go. My brother gets way more leeway with his mouth than any other relative ever would and since he has never had kids we all know what an expert he is on the subject.

 

[npmommie]

Did your mom tell you he was screaming at your dd? Did your mom tell him to stop that it was inappropriate to scream at a child like that?
how did your dd react when he was yelling? what did your mom do at that point if she was upset and crying?

I would say something, drama or not. I would try to keep it low key so he doesn't get defensive. wait until your anger subsides
but I would feel like i had to address this.

 

[DizBelle]

If he doesn't like how your mother handles discipline in her house, he needs to find other child care arrangements. He is not to discipline any children but his own when they are the responsibility of your mother.

But you should also note that if you don't like the way he handles discipline in his house, you shouldn't leave your kids with him either.

I think two things should happen. Your mother should tell him that she is in charge of your children when they are in her care and he is to stay out of it. You should tell him that you don't appreciate how he treated your child and to stay out of the discipline for your kids. It isnt his business unless you leave him in charge.

 

[KAMKIM]

I wasn't there so I dont really know how she addressed it but I know my mom and I would imagine it was very non confrontational and more along the lines of "alright, son let it go" - that kind of thing. Yes she called me to tell me about it probably because she knew when I got home my daughter would have told me - then she knows I would be upset that it wasn't mentioned to me...if she knew DD wouldn't say anything she wouldn't have told me because she knows I dont take things like this lightly.

To a previous poster you are right, his kids are used to it! They probably laugh behind my back when I give them a time out because its nothing compared to how their dad would react. He parents by impulse and without reason....know what I mean? ...I parent with purpose I guess you could put it. You'd never think we were raised in the same house seriously..

My kids have been to their house numerous times and they have gotten time outs....I'm okay with that....if your the adult and I'm not there then deal with it absolutely -

 

[joyjoy]

My daughter had a stress fracture in her back when she was 7 and was in a back brace for 6 months. 2 days after she got the brace off, our next door neighbor's kid (bigger than mine) pushed her off of a chair she (mine) was standing on to get something out of the closet.

I am ashamed to say that I went nuts and screamed at the other child. I was SO ANGRY at her! She knew my kid was healing from a bad injury, knew she was bigger and still pushed her down and hurt her.

I'll bet your brother was just angry at the moment and lost control. I'll bet he feels bad, too. Nobody is proud of themselves after a moment like that. I know I wasn't. I did apologize to the other child and I hope he does the same.

I'd let it go, though.

 

[KAMKIM]

Wow, that is a toughy! I would be upset too, but not sure what I would do. I think I would say something along the lines of "please, do not ever scream at my child again. We don't do that and you scared her and hurt her feelings". He may not even realize that he did scare her and it may make him feel bad enough to apologize to your daughter. He doesn't sound like a bad guy, just a bit high tempered maybe? If his kids are used to his yelling it may not even effect them and he wouldn't realize that it would really upset your child.

good point!

 

[diznygirl]

Hopefully you are close enough to your brother that you can call him a jerk and tell him to apologize, cuz that's what this calls for.

Then be sure you talk to your daughter and let her know that Uncle So-and-So was upset that his his little boy might have been hurt, but he should never have yelled at her like that. Make sure she's okay.

 

[KAMKIM]

Since he is at work I couldn't call him, but when I got home from work I sent him a text and reminded him that I have never treated his kids like that and that DD was upset about it...he didn't respond so I dont know if I should talk to him about it. I dont want him to get defensive or think I feel any differently towards him because he is my big brother....

I also dont want to make too big of a deal about it because DH would not be so forgiving....

 

[natenapril]

I agree with the PP that you should talk to your brother and tell hi that you discipline in other ways.

BUT I do feel this should not be kept a secret from your DH. You obviously feel very strongly about so it only seems fair to have him involved in how HIS daughter is treated as well.

 

[L107ANGEL]

I'm sorry but your brother is a jack@$$ if he goes off the handle yelling at children, his or any other. I wouldn't put up with it for one second. What did your mom say about his yelling and carrying on?

I'm not big into drama but I am big into what is right or wrong and flying off the handle is unacceptable. You'd put your child in a time out for having a temper tamtrum so why not call your brother on it? I'd call him on it and make sure he knew that he needed to apologize to my daughter for his actions because if not he'll do it again when a child makes another mistake.

 

[SwedishMeatball]

I get the impression this is the first time such an incident has happened in regards to your children. If so, I'd probably say something casual like, "Hey, I know we have different parenting styles, but you really freaked her out when you went off on her yelling like that. She's not used to it, and I hope you'll respect my wishes not to speak to her like that in the future."

 

[KAMKIM]

I agree with the PP that you should talk to your brother and tell hi that you discipline in other ways.

BUT I do feel this should not be kept a secret from your DH. You obviously feel very strongly about so it only seems fair to have him involved in how HIS daughter is treated as well.

Yeah but if DH knew, that would be the end of family functions...not worth it in my opinion

 

[SwedishMeatball]

Yeah but if DH knew, that would be the end of family functions...not worth it in my opinion

Wouldn't it be better if he heard it from you rather than your DD?? Unless there is some other history, this hardly seems like a reason that your DH should make a call for you to "end family functions" with YOUR family.

 

[KAMKIM]

Wouldn't it be better if he heard it from you rather than your DD?? Unless there is some other history, this hardly seems like a reason that your DH should make a call for you to "end family functions" with YOUR family.

No other history, they've been best friends since the 2nd grade but DH would not take it lightly and probably say somethings he'd regret especially because we dont necessarily agree with their parenting style either (only we'd never call them on it)

By family functions I dont mean holidays and such, but our weekend get togethers with them...probably would be a bit awkward if DH conforted him about it.

 

[kathie859]

Yeah but if DH knew, that would be the end of family functions...not worth it in my opinion

I have a big, lunk of a brother who is a SCREAMER, too. He never hollered at my kids, but he certainly did at his own. Not all folks communicate the same way. Your DB was wrong, wrong, wrong and you need to let him know that your daughter loves him and he scared the bejeesus out of her. Your DH needs to know that there was an issue and you addressed it. NOW, if your DH is an unforgiving sort of person, I pity your entire family. Everybody makes the occasional bad decision. I'd hate to think that my DH would hold transgressions against me or any of my family (and, God knows, we have some doozies in our immediate family) and refuse to associate with them. I think if he ever threw out a mandate: "I will not attend any of your family functions because your DB is a jerK!"--I'd have to say, "OK--I respect your decision...your dinner is in the fridge. See you later."

 

[KAMKIM]

I have a big, lunk of a brother who is a SCREAMER, too. He never hollered at my kids, but he certainly did at his own. Not all folks communicate the same way. Your DB was wrong, wrong, wrong and you need to let him know that your daughter loves him and he scared the bejeesus out of her. Your DH needs to know that there was an issue and you addressed it. NOW, if your DH is an unforgiving sort of person, I pity your entire family. Everybody makes the occasional bad decision. I'd hate to think that my DH would hold transgressions against me or any of my family (and, God knows, we have some doozies in our immediate family) and refuse to associate with them. I think if he ever threw out a mandate: "I will not attend any of your family functions because your DB is a jerK!"--I'd have to say, "OK--I respect your decision...your dinner is in the fridge. See you later."

I know my brother gets it from our father, god they are so alike - probably the reason I parent the opposite way he did...my brother parents the same way he grew up.

I think you are getting the impression from a previous poster that it would be my DH that would put an end to family functions....when I said it would be the end of family functions I meant more of our get togethers with just SIL and DB and nephews each weekend because I wouldn't want the tension between the two of them, not that my DH would make that decision for the both of us....it doesn't fly like that in this house

 

[Disney Doll]

Your brother needs to chill. You texted him. Let it lie. See what, if anything, he does. See how he acts toward your DD.

How was your DD? Was she upset by it? Not for nothing, but she may also realize that Uncle Whomever is a screamer.