What would you do? Am I over reacting?

[Wishing on a star]

....well apparently my brother flew off the handle was screaming at my daughter that she shouldn't be doing that and he's just a baby...


then he tells my mom this is why I need to spank my kids and if that was his kid he would have hit her.

Okay, two different things here... Yes, your brother was definitely wrong, wrong, wrong... but not in the way that most here are thinking....

On the first count... If some bigger kid fought with my little three year old and pushed them down... I might raise my voice... At some point, if your daughter physically shoves/hits another kid, she will not only get yelled out... she may just get punched. Without having witnessed it, I am not so sure how bad it was for him to raise his voice to her and tell her she 'Shouldn't be doing that... he is just a baby!!!"

My son is older now.... But, an example... after Karate, one of the wild kids had actually jumped my son from behind and had him down to the floor.... Another wild child was doing the same to another kid... Nobody in charge seemed to be around and keeping an eye on things... so yep, I had no problem walking right over there and saying in my best loud 'mama' voice "GET OFF HIM...." "We keep our hands to ourselves...."

Where your brother was really more wrong was when he chose to continue the situation by telling your mother that you should be hitting your kids....

NOT okay....
NOT OKAY AT ALL....
This is the real issue....

I see two things here.... One, when family keeps each other's kids on a long term daily basis... Lines do get blurred... Sorry, but it just happens.
Your mother seems to be a good mediator, and she addressed the situation and then let you know about it...
But, in these kind of close, family, blurred, situations, things like this are bound to occur from time to time.

Secondly, I do think that your brother is way off the deep end with the yelling and physical punishment... But, I am wondering if you are afraid to even get in the water???? If you are as afraid as it seems that your little baby might have somebody raise their voice... Well, I will just stop here and leave it at that...

If this incident is something that has to be kept secret from your husband, because of his reaction... That is not good either... It almost sounds as if it puts your husband in the same category as your brother. If this is going to be addressed, then at some point your husband will find out... If your brother is a 'yeller', at some point something like this may happen again... This is bound to come up with your husband at some point.

I suggest that everyone step back and let the emotions calm down, and then decide how to handle the difference in discipline (spanking) issue.

 

[KAMKIM]

Your brother needs to chill. You texted him. Let it lie. See what, if anything, he does. See how he acts toward your DD.

How was your DD? Was she upset by it? Not for nothing, but she may also realize that Uncle Whomever is a screamer.

You know I think i am more upset about it than she is...she seemed to forget already. When i asked her about it she said yeah "uncle.. was mean" I said well sometimes parents lose their cool too and its not okay, but he was probably having a bad day and wasn't happy that you pushed someone smaller than you. But I did tell her that I told uncle... it was wrong and I was not happy with him.

He didn't answer my text so I sent him another one and told him I think he needs to apologize for acting like a baby towardsa child who was acting like a child lol. We'll see...he probably wont but I'd rather he be mad at me than have DD think I didn't stick up for her.

 

[KAMKIM]

Okay, two different things here... Yes, your brother was definitely srong, wrong, wrong... but not in the way that most here are thinking....

On the first count... If some bigger kid fought with my little three year old and pushed her down... I might raise my voice... At some point, if your daughter physically shoves/hits another kid, she will not only get yelled out... she may just get punched. Without having witnessed it, I am not so sure how bad it was for him to raise his voice to her and tell her she 'Shouldn't be doing that... he is just a baby!!!"

Where your brother was WRONG was to continue the situation by telling your mother that you should be hitting your kids....

NOT okay....
NOT OKAY AT ALL....
This is the real issue....

I see two things here.... One, when family keeps each other's kids on a long term daily basis... Lines do get blurred... Sorry, but it just happens.

Secondly, I think that while your brother is way off the deep end with the yelling and physical punishment... But, I am wondering if you are afraid to even get in the water... If you are this afraid that your little baby might have somebody raise their voice... Well, I will just stop here and leave it at that...

True, but I see a big difference between screaming (which is what he does) and simply raising his voice to her. She had already been corrected...so carrying on and having 2 bosses telling you what you did wrong is overkill I think....my mom handled the situation with her as well as I would have...if my mom wasn't there or didn't see it and he raised his voice, it wouldn't be mentioned and I wouldn't give it a second thought.

I agree though lines do get blurred....but he wasn't watching her...just dropping his kids off to my mother who was in charge.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Like I just posted....
Step back and chill for a bit....

I don't think that texting him, and telling him that he was 'acting like a baby' is going to help.
Not a positive, effective, way to address this AT ALL.

And, goodness, what is it with the texting....
Sometimes a face to face conversation is warranted....

I can just see him texting back...

" OK - sorry "

 

[mjkacmom]

I would let it go. As a parent, I can't tell you how many times I've yelled at an older child for getting physical with a younger child, as a first reaction (or over-reaction). I've also been guilty of being too easy on a younger child being physical with an older child. When you have a 3 year old, you forget that a 5 year old is still a little kid when they push.

 

[KAMKIM]

Like I just posted....
Step back and chill for a bit....

I don't think that texting him, and telling him that he was 'acting like a baby' is going to help.
Not a positive, effective, way to address this at all.

And, goodness, what is it with the texting....
Sometimes a face to face conversation is warranted....

I can just see him texting back...

" OK - sorry "

well i sent him a text because I wont see him until next weekend....we work opposite shifts and they will be gone this weekend....this is how we typically communicate during the week anyways...

he wrote back and basically said he feels my kids should be spanked and he isnt apologizing....he doesn't see anything wrong with it I guess.

 

[KAMKIM]

I would let it go. As a parent, I can't tell you how many times I've yelled at an older child for getting physical with a younger child, as a first reaction (or over-reaction). I've also been guilty of being too easy on a younger child being physical with an older child. When you have a 3 year old, you forget that a 5 year old is still a little kid when they push.

well after seeing his text I will just let it go....we parent differently and always will. He is their only uncle.

i told him I simply want him to remain the fun uncle he usually is, which is why the girls love him so much....if he starts flying off the handle and punishing them...they aren't going to look at him the same ya know? But I guess he doesn't see it that way..

 

[Wishing on a star]

Your not going to change the way he feels....

As the old adage says... You can't change somebody else's actions and attitudes, only YOUR reaction to them.

You need to make a decision,
Does this warrant pulling away from family???
Or, not???

Do NOT expect him to change his ways or apologize.
If he is 'yeller', then he is a yeller...
If he believes strongly in physical punishment (spanking/hitting)
That is what he believes.

You really have much bigger issues that the fact that he slipped and yelled at your daughter the one time...

How are you going to handle child care as long as he and his kids are coming and going at your mothers?
He apparantly, now, feels comfortable overstepping boundaries, yelling, flaming your parenting, etc....
It may be either put up with his inappropriate behavior, or, find other child care options.

This is a convoluted situation, and it may take some deep thinking and maneuvering to deal with your brothers attitudes.

But, I would not begin to think that he is gonna change.

By your own admission.... He is 'like his dad'. Probably been that way his whole life.

I can tell you that becoming upset and telling him that he 'acts like a baby' and expecting an apology will probably do nothing to solve the situation.

 

[KAMKIM]

Your not going to change the way he feels....

As the old adage says... You can't change somebody else's actions and attitudes, only YOUR reaction to them.

You need to make a decision,
Does this warrant pulling away from family???
Or, not???

Do NOT expect him to change his ways or apologize.
If he is 'yeller', then he is a yeller...
If he believes strongly in physical punishment (spanking/hitting)
That is what he believes.

You really have much bigger issues that the fact that he slipped and yelled at your daughter the one time...

How are you going to handle child care as long as he and his kids are coming and going at your mothers?
He apparantly, now, feels comfortable overstepping boundaries, yelling, flaming your parenting, etc....
It may be either put up with his inappropriate behavior, or, find other child care options.

This is a convoluted situation, and it may take some deep thinking and maneuvering to deal with your brothers attitudes.

But, I would not begin to think that he is gonna change.

By your own admission.... He is 'like his dad'. Probably been that way his whole life.

I can tell you that becoming upset and telling him that he 'acts like a baby' and expecting an apology will probably do nothing to solve the situation.

The kids go back to school Tuesday so at that point the childcare will be a non issue,...but you're right, I think he probably feels like now he has the right to correct my kids the way he does his (of course I know he would never spank them) but you know what I mean. Although at least he knows Im not going to sit around and let him do it. I feel better for calling him on it so he knows I'm aware, he may not apologize but I hope I got my point across.

 

[Imzadi]

I find it really ironic that he he's telling your DD she shouldn't do that because his three year old is a baby but has no problems screaming at a 5 year old who also is little.

You should definitely tell him that NO, DD shouldn't hit a 3 year old and he shouldn't be screaming at your 5 yr old.

If you let it go, you teach him it's okay to treat your child this way.

My daughter had a stress fracture in her back when she was 7 and was in a back brace for 6 months. 2 days after she got the brace off, our next door neighbor's kid (bigger than mine) pushed her off of a chair she (mine) was standing on to get something out of the closet.

I am ashamed to say that I went nuts and screamed at the other child. I was SO ANGRY at her! She knew my kid was healing from a bad injury, knew she was bigger and still pushed her down and hurt her.

I'll bet your brother was just angry at the moment and lost control. I'll bet he feels bad, too. Nobody is proud of themselves after a moment like that. I know I wasn't. I did apologize to the other child and I hope he does the same.

I'd let it go, though.

Your incident is different. it doesn't sound like you fly off at the handle ordinarily. The OP's brother does and thinks it's normal to scream and hit.

Not only is her parenting style different, she has to set boundaries with her brother on what's acceptable from him in regard to her children.

Since he hits, I would never leave my kid in his care, (if I didn't believe in spanking.) Something is going to happen and he will discipline the DD the way he deems fit while she's in his care.


OP, I also think you are putting your DB above your DH. If he finds out later you purposely withheld this info from him, he'd probably be even more steamed.

 

[Wishing on a star]

OP, I also think you are putting your DB above your DH. If he finds out later you purposely withheld this info from him, he'd probably be even more steamed.

Excellent point.
As parents, both should ALWAYS be on the same page.

While I understand that you may not want to make a big deal about this to your DH, I also wonder about your decision and motivations in keeping things like this a secret.

It sounds like your motivation is that your DH (like your brother) might be inclined to over-react and/or get angry.

 

[KAMKIM]

Excellent point.
As parents, both should ALWAYS be on the same page.

While I understand that you may not want to make a big deal about this to your DH, I also wonder about your decision and motivations in keeping things like this a secret.

It sounds like your motivation is that your DH (like your brother) might be inclined to over-react and/or get angry.

I'm not sure what I'm saying that makes you think that is my motivation? I can assure you it isn't, DH is very laid back and out of the two of us, I'd be the one to over react if anything.

My reason for not telling him is they are and have been best friends since 2nd grade. This is trivial - if it was a question of her safety (and not just her feelings being hurt) I would have 1, never posted it on here to ask others opinions (I would know what to do) and 2, I'd never keep something like that from him. Yes, I'm upset about it, but I feel like if I tell him about it and he decides he should say something - then it is really making it a much bigger deal than it should be.

For all I know he'd say I'm over reacting and need to let it go, but if he does get angry about it - it isn't worth a family argument or hard feelings - I can call my brother an *** and he would have to get over it (and has many times). But if DH feels inclined to call him an ***...might not go over so well ya know - different relationship.

To a previous poster that mentioned leaving my kids with him. If I ever feared for their safety we would have nothing to do with him, period. I dont care what relationship him and I share if it came down to something like that. I am sure your children hang out with friends/relatives whose parents believe in spanking....And honestly I dont know how you would know if they did or didn't? I know he'd never hit her, that wasn't even a concern of mine and wasn't mentioned by me...he believes in spanking his own children. Not all spankers go around smacking other people's kids around.

 

[KAMKIM]

Not to change the subject but I received a warning about calling my brother a bad name....sorry to whoever I offended that reported me -

And good thing you dont know us personally because I've called him much worse in person