What would you consider an Emotional Affair?

[goofyintoronto]

Thats definitely an emotional affair! Without a doubt!

 

[mousefanmichelle]

So many assumptions here. We don't know the context of any of the friends relationships. His relationship with his wife, his relationship with the co-worker. We can't assume to know any of it. My dh had a physical affair. Our relationship/marriage was strained and in a really bad place and I don't know what lies he told his mistress about me. Cheaters are liars whether they are physical affairs or emotional doesn't really matter - they lied to get into them. He lied to me, he lied to her, he lied to himself. She was married as well so she lied to her spouse, to my dh and to herself. So this person, the friend, the married man, lied i am sure to everyone. Maybe now he is looking for a way out and the picture he paints to you, the poster, is probably not the truth. Sorry to say it.

 

[Ciao Mickey]

DH and I were debating this last night. DH has a friend at work going though this and DH was telling me about it. We disagreed on whether this qualified as an affair, emotional affair, or just an "awakening" for the person as to what's wrong in their own relationship.

Basic situation:

• Friend and coworker have an obvious attraction that has grown over a few years time
• Friend is married, coworker is not. Coworker has made it clearly known that she is willing and available
• Friend has told his wife about the coworker, but in bits and pieces, and hasn't told her everything (like how emotionally attached he is to the coworker)
• Friend has let his feelings for the coworker affect his marriage - his frustrations, anger, longing for a connection, etc is being directed in a negative way toward his wife, whom he thinks doesn't love him like the coworker does/could
• Friend realized it is getting into dangerous territory, he started to distance himself from the coworker. Is altering his day, workload, etc to make an effort to stay away from her. This might ultimately affect his career. His boss and others in the office can see what's happening
• Friend has said he considered leaving his wife, but decided to stay committed to her and their family. He is very sad about his choice but feels like he wants to rekindle his relationship with his wife and not ruin his family over this.

I may have missed a detail or two here since I'm hearing it secondhand, but that's the gist of it.

I say this has emotional affair written all over it. DH says no, this is not an affair at all but his friend is just a hot mess because he realized that he and his wife have drifted apart and he wants her to give him more attention and time so that he won't want to continue on wanting something more with this coworker.

What do you think? (and this is meant to be a discussion about emotional affairs in general, too....not just a hyper-focus on the details above, so feel free to add to the discussion!)

My take on the story:

- A married man and single woman start messing around.

- The married man begins to worry that co-workers notice what’s going on between married man and single woman.

- Married man has to come up with an excuse for his behavior to others (wife doesn’t understand me, etc.).

- Married man is concerned that his screwing around might affect his job.

- Single woman might be pressuring married man to leave his wife but when he realizes what that entails (child support, alimony, losing half of his assets, etc.) he has second thoughts.

- Married man starts realizing what a mess he’s in so he tries to distant himself from single woman at work.

I’ve seen this story played out a number of times.

In my opinion there is no such thing as an emotional affair.

 

[mummabear]

Right. And to me, having a slowly-built history together always seems to carry stronger and deeper feelings than a whirlwind romance. Not to mention that the husband kept this from his wife - if it wasn't anything more than just two coworkers having a normal coworker interactions, he wouldn't have felt like it was a secret. It wasn't like he didn't have enough time....the guy has been working there for at least the past 5 years.

Exactly.
There are so many cases where people go after married people, maybe they get a thrill from it, maybe they need the ego boost not just if landing someone but if landing a taken person, and for sure there are names for those people.
But there is this other scenario, where no one means for the emotional bond to develop, and it happens so slowly they dont even really notice until all of a sudden they realise they are in love.
No obviously this guy has decided he wants to stay with his wife, that means both he and the coworker need to separate as much as possible. Really if he can he should get another job, but they cant be Facebook friends, they cant chat in the break room, strictly business for both of their mental health, for all intents and purposes it's a break up between them.

 

[Erzengel]

I was watching the HBO series "In Treatment" and I think the lead character was having an emotional affair with one of his patients which he had fallen in love with while his wife had a strictly physical affair and my wife and I discussed which one of the affairs is worse.

 

[Floridaman999]

I was watching the HBO series "In Treatment" and I think the lead character was having an emotional affair with one of his patients which he had fallen in love with while his wife had a strictly physical affair and my wife and I discussed which one of the affairs is worse.

Loved that series! Wish it would have continued.

 

[Disney Doll]

Yeah. It was an emotional affair. Sounds like he’s trying to end it which is good for him. Too bad he got himself into it in the first place.

Perhaps he ought to put some of the time and attention that he’s been giving this co-worker toward his wife/family.

Without knowing the specifics I’m going to guess 40 something year old Guy, been married 10-15 years, kids ages 4-14, wife busy caring for kids and maybe working, guy doesn’t do much to help and if he does do something he expects accolades for being such a great husband and father. His 40 something year old self feels like he’s getting old and this attractive attentive co worker is just thing he needs to feed his ego.

Shame on both of them.

 

[Disney Doll]

Yeah. It was an emotional affair. Sounds like he’s trying to end it which is good for him. Too bad he got himself into it in the first place.

Perhaps he ought to put some of the time and attention that he’s been giving this co-worker toward his wife/family.

Without knowing the specifics I’m going to guess 40 something year old Guy, been married 10-15 years, kids ages 4-14, wife busy caring for kids and maybe working, guy doesn’t do much to help and if he does do something he expects accolades for being such a great husband and father. His 40 something year old self feels like he’s getting old and this attractive attentive co worker is just thing he needs to feed his ego.

Shame on both of them.

 

[Disney Doll]

"Yes, and he needs to ignore this jezebel co-worker immediately!"

Fixed it for you. Our language is sorely lacking in certain words, notably an equally reprehinsible, insulting, and offensive term for the OP's friend. The female co-worker is not in this situation alone; the male is so far from blameless I can't even.

No she’s not but she is also quite well aware that she is “flirting” with a married man, which frankly, makes her as much of a shank as he is.

 

[Disney Doll]

Yeah bu you know. Life is messy. She is single, and as far as we know is not looking to be his side chick.
I actually don't see something wrong with her saying "I have feelings for you, but if you want if you something to happen you have to end things with your wife" and pulling away if he doesnt.
Now if she is saying "I dont care you are married" that is something else all together.

As car as an affair etc, all that would matter to me is if DH was attracted to a coworker that he cut off all non essential contact, ca 't help meeting etc but water cooler chat, keep your distance

Really? I see plenty wrong with someone presenting themselves as “available if” to a married person.

 

[Disney Doll]

Regardless of what you think of these situations could we PLEASE stop the woman bashing names? It’s gross people.

We call ‘em as we see ‘em. A skank is a skank.

 

[Disney Doll]

Listen, I hate cheaters, I have never cheated in my life, and if DH did was like this dude he would be kicked to the curb.
I am surprised that I am 'defending" this women, but I think it is some sexist BS.
What is the word you are using for the married man? What is the word you would use for the man if it was the women who was married and he was presenting himself as an option-is it still Jezebel?

I think we all owe each something, I wouldn't be interested in the kind of guy who would cheat. But I do see the argument that she made no promise to this women, he did.
Now what I think of her, really depends on actions we dont know, if she is following his lead, there is no physical cheating/no sexting etc and is only intrested if he leaves his wife, well fine isnt the word but I dont think she is doing anything wrong.
If she has crossed the line into sexting etc then she has.

There’s a lot of non DIS appropriate words to call him.

I’d say skank works for both parties.

And I don’t care what his “lead” is. Presumably she is a grown woman with enough intelligence to know that she is treading on thin ice.

I was in my mid 20s when I found myself being “flirted with” by a male colleague. He was newer to my organization and didn’t work in my same department so I didn’t know too much about him. After a week or so of the flirtation he asked me out. I said yes. A couple of days later I ended up in another department on an errand and met his fiancée. Imagine my surprise! Imagine his surprise when he wandered into her department and saw us talking.

I broke the date. Cut off contact other than what was required for work. Told her. She still married him. But my hands were clean because once I knew the situation I stepped away. Yes I “sacrificed my own happiness” (because until I found out he was a skank I thought he was a really nice guy) by walking away but I could look at myself in the mirror and not be ashamed of who I saw looking back.

 

[Disney Doll]

The thing is, we don't know that she chased him.It doesn't sound like that's even what his friend said, just that she said she was available if he divorced. I've seen too many married men chase women and those women get lambasted than I would like (really, one is one too many). I've literally never seen a women go after a married man who didn't make a play for her first.

I don't want any of you to think I'm defending one single bit of this whole BS situation, but I hate that the woman is always the one who gets attacked.

Also, don't get me started on my time dating online. I left so many dates, or said "I think you should go" when a guy would start saying that he was "technically" still married. Why are you on Bumble if you're married? It's kinda binary for me. You are or are not married. Let's be honest, those a-holes were looking for a side piece. I have dated a ton, like 100 people worth because its fun (even those "married dudes" dates were funny and interesting in their own way) and I have a temperament for it. I have single girlfriends who would totally fall for it. I concerned right this minute that it's happening to a friend. The guy she's seeing is too erratic /shady and I'm positive he's married. Another friend and I gently suggested it, and she shut us down. Is she a jezebel? A harlot? A bimbo? We just don't know if the guy in the OP's situation isn't actually telling his co-worker that he's getting divorced or who knows what. I'm glad the man saw the light, but I don't think it'll last. Again, the door's been opened; he'll walk through it eventually with her or someone else. I just don't see many or any women looking for married men. Why would you want to be the side chick when you can find someone single unless you are lead to believe that person will become available?

Just some thoughts. People who cheat suck and those that go along suck, but it's more nuanced than a woman looking for a married man because why would you? Especially now when you can swipe until you find prince charming? I did. My thumbs hurt for a while, but it worked out.

Why would a woman look for a married man?
1. Low self esteem. The thrill of being able to say “I stole him from his wife” as if that’s some sort of feather in her cap about how sexy fabulous she is. Makes her feel better about herself.
2. Because she wants all the excitement and none of the mundane of a relationship. The thrill of sneaking around, having a secret that no body knows (or at that you think nobody knows but everybody actually does know), the “deep” conversations. On the flip side, she doesn’t want to deal with the snoring, the dirty underwear, the “in sickness and in health” thing and all the other non-exciting things that make up a marriage.
3. Possibly money, depending on his vs. her earning capacity. Find a guy who has some bucks and a side chick can do pretty well.
4. Attention seeker because the only way she feels adequate is if she is getting attention from people.

Those come to mind immediately.

 

[Disney Doll]

Why do women have to stay away from married men? Why put that on "women?" Do men, in particular, married men, not have a duty to exercise restraint and stay away from other women?

This treads awfully close to "she deserved to get assaulted because she was wearing skimpy clothes and the man couldn't help himself."

If a man is married, the onus is on HIM to keep his relationships with others strictly platonic.

Because it’s the right thing to do and people should do the right thing. No one is excusing him. But she doesn’t get a pass either.

 

[marcyleecorgan]

Good grief, this situation went WAY past just an emotional affair the moment that their co-workers knew about it and had to "cover". How vile and disgusting to put other people through that unprofessionalism!

 

[indimom]

There’s a lot of non DIS appropriate words to call him.

I’d say skank works for both parties.

And I don’t care what his “lead” is. Presumably she is a grown woman with enough intelligence to know that she is treading on thin ice.

I was in my mid 20s when I found myself being “flirted with” by a male colleague. He was newer to my organization and didn’t work in my same department so I didn’t know too much about him. After a week or so of the flirtation he asked me out. I said yes. A couple of days later I ended up in another department on an errand and met his fiancée. Imagine my surprise! Imagine his surprise when he wandered into her department and saw us talking.

I broke the date. Cut off contact other than what was required for work. Told her. She still married him. But my hands were clean because once I knew the situation I stepped away. Yes I “sacrificed my own happiness” (because until I found out he was a skank I thought he was a really nice guy) by walking away but I could look at myself in the mirror and not be ashamed of who I saw looking back.

Right there with ya. Same thing happened to me in college. I had been dating a guy for a number of weeks. He was super nice; and, I liked him quite a bit. Then, an acquaintance told me he had a fiancé in his hometown. I found him at his on-campus job, and asked him whether it was true and he admitted it. Then, he told me how he was planning to break up with her, yada yada. I told him I was out, I'm no cheater. Later that day, he came to my dorm and wanted to talk. When I didn't back down, he punched a wall, was blocking the doorway with his whole body so I couldn't leave, just being an aggressive bully. It was a whole other side of him I hadn't seen at that point. Pretty eye-opening... he played the nice guy, but he sure wasn't.

 

[Lilacs4Me]

Yeah. It was an emotional affair. Sounds like he’s trying to end it which is good for him. Too bad he got himself into it in the first place.

Perhaps he ought to put some of the time and attention that he’s been giving this co-worker toward his wife/family.

Without knowing the specifics I’m going to guess 40 something year old Guy, been married 10-15 years, kids ages 4-14, wife busy caring for kids and maybe working, guy doesn’t do much to help and if he does do something he expects accolades for being such a great husband and father. His 40 something year old self feels like he’s getting old and this attractive attentive co worker is just thing he needs to feed his ego.

Shame on both of them.

You are almost 100% correct on all of the above. 40-something, married for about 15-20 years (they have an 18 year old that just graduated HS this year. We were invited to his grad party but were on vacation at the time). The wife works, and they have 2 more kids that are teens but I don't know how much the guy helps out with stuff.

The coworker is in her 30's, I know for sure because she has a facebook picture of her 30th birthday from about 5-6 years ago (yes, I am obsessed now and FB stalked her lol). I couldn't help it! I wanted to see what a woman who would make herself so available to a married man looks like and acts like.

She seems totally normal. I would have never thought she would be the "type". Just goes to show that you just never know.

And what it is about getting into your 40's that makes people do stuff like this! I completely understand having a connection with someone you work with. There was a person many years ago that I worked with and was starting to really enjoy being around. It's been at least 15 years since the last time I saw him and I still think about him occasionally and honestly even play the "what if" game in my head for a minute (as in....what if I wasn't married at the time!). I was married for about 5 years at that point and DS19 was about 3. He was divorced and they hadn't had kids. So even though there was very obvious chemistry and attraction there, I never, ever acted on it or crossed a line, and neither did he. But man, did it make going to work fun for a while lol

So I get that attractions happen. What I don't get is how people let it get "too far". And it seems to happen so often once people hit ~40. Do they just stop caring so much about their marriage? Are they just tired of everything by then and don't care anymore? Are they bored?

 

[Lilacs4Me]

Good grief, this situation went WAY past just an emotional affair the moment that their co-workers knew about it and had to "cover". How vile and disgusting to put other people through that unprofessionalism!

Right! DH said that people started suspecting there was more to it when the guy started to avoid work situations that included this woman. Client events, meetings....the guy even started dumping some of his accounts over to DH - which all just happened to be accounts the coworker was also involved with. It was so obvious. That's actually how DH got involved; he asked the guy why he wanted to trade the accounts, and the guy just pretty much confessed everything.

 

[Baduist]

Labels are meaningless.

As long as he is Frank with his wife I think it’s fine (not too late to tell her everything).

Emotions are “legal”. You can’t control them. As long as you’re 100% honest I think a strong relationship can withstand a crush.

If my wife gets a crush on a friend and is upfront with me about it I would help her figure it out.

Feelings are confusing, I don’t think anyone should let guilt ruin them.

 

[marcyleecorgan]

So I get that attractions happen. What I don't get is how people let it get "too far". And it seems to happen so often once people hit ~40. Do they just stop caring so much about their marriage? Are they just tired of everything by then and don't care anymore? Are they bored?

I dont think it is boredom so much as that many people get together and spend 10-18 years having kids, doing the family thing, kids grow up, the adults think, "is this all to life? FOMO when I see my childless adult friends!!!!" And they want to catch up on all the fun.... often the other person is not in that mental place yet.... if they still want to overparent their teens, they like their simple life, etc.