What were your parents like growing up

[quandrea]

I was born in 1972, Canadian suburbs. We had a happy childhood for the most part. I'm the eldest of four. My mother was a sahm and my father was,a business owner who worked very long hours. My parents always treated us as adults, meaning any topic was up for discussion.

My mum was a screamer, but she loved us. Dad could be less predictable and,would hit us,with his belt. I didn't respect him at times because of that and told him so, even as a child.

My parents could have some rollicking fights that I always felt were my responsibility to resolve.

As the eldest of four with large age gaps (my brother is 11 years my junior and sister is 15 years younger), I feel like I raised them in large part. Did a lot of night feedings, parent teacher interviews, homework help, diaper changing. It didn't bother me at the time, but now I see it may have made for a bad dynamic in the home.

Unfortunately all my good memories are tainted given my parents have recently severed contact with me. They wanted me to renounce my faith and lie for my brother. When I said I couldn't, my father was incensed and cut me off because I wouldn't do what he said. The whole mess reframes my childhood and their parenting style. Things I never thought much of, now seem to present patterns of behaviour.

I'm using their example of how not to parent. I really try to respect my kids' individuality. I accept them for who they are, even if it's different from me. I treat them all with fairness and hold them all to the same standards. Like the pp, there is little drama in my marriage. We never fight the way my parents did. I hope I am a better parent than my parents when my children are grown.

 

[PigletsPal2]

I'm probably the oldest one to respond to this post so far. I was born in 1947 with the first wave of baby boomers. I have one older sister (born in 1943) and two younger sisters (1950 and 1952). My dad was the baby of seven and was spoiled and indulged, and he thought that's the way kids were raised. As a result, all four of us were spoiled and indulged by our dad. My mom was raised by a single mother and learned to be very independent at an early age. She took the Greyhound bus from Richmond to Washington by herself at six years old. So she taught us to be independent as well.

My mom was the first mother in the neighborhood to work, first part-time as the lunch lady at my school and later full-time with the police department as a dispatcher. My baby sister hadn't yet started school, so she went to work with my mom at school. Her full time job was shift work, so we had plenty of opportunities to get into trouble. In my senior year of high school, I missed a great many more days than the maximum allowed and still be able to graduate. If she worked 7-3, I was still asleep when she left for work, and I just made sure I was out of the house when she came home at 3:15. A 3-11 shift meant I had to leave for school at the regular time, but I spent most of the day with a friend whose mother worked 9-5 and went home at 2:30 when Mom left for work. I never managed to skip school when she worked 11-7 because she slept during the day and I never knew when she would wake up. I was enrolled in the commercial graduation track, so my missed days were for "job interviews." I had my mother's signature down pat, so absence excuses and report card signatures were never a problem. Luckily, when I did go to school, I excelled, especially in my business classes, so I managed to graduate on schedule

Daddy loved sports but only played softball on his company's team. He was too small for team sports in high school, but he was an excellent ice skater. He knew the rules to most games and he was infinitely patient when explaining them to us. He helped me develop my own baseball scoring system, which is much easier to understand than official scoring.

My parents were pretty laid back when we were growing up. Our rules were few and not very strict. Actually they were more common sense and consideration for the rest of the family. Let us know where you're going and with whom, what time you expect to be back (no curfew set). Don't eat or drink the last of anything without telling a parent beforehand. Ask before you borrow something from another member of the family (a real concern as all five females were just about the same size and clothes made the rounds). Our chores were minimal and were mostly centered around the evening meal: set the table, clear the table, wash the dishes, dry the dishes. Four jobs, four kids.

We always had a family vacation every year, usually incorporating something educational. We went to Williamsburg, Philadelphia, Gettysburg, Revolutionary and Civil War battlefields, Kitty Hawk. We had one just-for-fun vacation that I remember, two weeks in Miami Beach.

My childhood was actually quite nice, and my sisters and I grew up liking each other for the most part.

DH and I have raised our kids pretty much the same way. The big difference is in cultural and educational experiences. My children have lived in foreign countries and speak different languages. They know how to instruct a maid in her chores and how to converse intelligently with an ambassador. They can plan, cook for and pull off a dinner party for two dozen guests. They know how to organize a move from one house to another. They learned all of these things before they graduated from high school.

Both of my parents passed away at an early age (56, two years apart), so they didn't get to enjoy for very long the ultimate fruits of their labor - their grandchildren. DD#1 remembers her grandmother and swears that she was Grandmommie's favorite.

This is a very long post, but it was enjoyable to think about and write. Thank you for starting it.

Queen Colleen

 

[Gumbo4x4]

Born in 1967 in rural Missouri. Grew up in an old clubhouse on 20 acres on a bluff over the Missouri River Bottoms. Surrounded by farmland in every direction (1/2 mile walk to our mailbox) with only 1 other home in sight, I essentially had a 20,000 acre playground. I had a pony, a gocart, a dirt bike, and my own shotgun all by the age of 15 or before.

Mom & Dad both taught PE; Mom had Summers off, Dad worked as a caretaker at a nearby church camp. Each Summer, we would move to the camp & had access to hiking trails, basketball & volleyball courts, archery range, the pool, and numerous other activities. It was fabulous!

We had to keep our rooms neat, help with chores, and get the best possible grades. And we were occasionally spanked. But, Mom & Dad supported our hobbies (both helped me restore my first "car"), took us on trips, and were always there for us. They still are. One of the first things my dad (now 75) did upon returning from TX (they're snowbirds) in May was to drop by to cut my grass one day while I was at work.

They may not be the perfect parents, but they come damn close.

 

[low-key]

My parents were great, they deserved better

 

[LilPiglet]

I am still a kid(13 years old) and living with my Mom and Dad. They are really awesome parents. I still have rules and chores to go by, but nothing really weird about the rules or anything. Plus the take me to Walt Disney World a lot so you can't go wrong with them there. I love my Mom and Dad.

 

[ronandannette]

My parents were great, they deserved better

Haha...yeah, my parents were too good for a couple of my brothers too!

 

[SEA333]

Born in 66, in rural WI, felt that I have "pre divorce" and "post divorce" parenting going on. Pre:SAHM and caring teacher dad, "perfect" life, extended family, lots of activities, etc. Post:two parents reliving their "dating years" at the same time as I was . Neither was mean or cruel, but both were trying to recapture their own youth, while ignoring their children. Thank GOD for extended family who took up the slack.

When our DS was born 20 years ago, I saw a concerted effort by both of my parents to "make up for" what they failed to give my brother and I by what they've done for and given DS. Good for them, I say.

I swore to be a *parent* to DS, and a wife to DH, so that we could be a complete family. It wasn't always easy, but we made it through.

Nah, divorce didn't affect me much ....

Terri

I can totally relate to the "before" and "after" divorce thing.

Before my mother left us, I always thought that I had a pretty good childhood. My mother was involved in my school and church, was a stay at home mother for the most part, and we always had meals and clean clothes. It wasn't perfect - she was very volatile and if she got in a bad mood, particularly on the weekends or in the summer when my dad was at work, she would go crazy and would yell and hit us (among other "punishments" in varying degrees of horror, including tearing everything off our wall and out of closets in a crazy rage, dumping drawers, toy bins, sheets and blankets...basically everything, into the middle of our bedroom - 3 of us shared a room - and not letting us out of our room until it was all put back together, which took more than a day - and this happened from about ages 6-12) but at the time being kids, we didn't know that discipline could have been handled differently. And it wasn't all the time...she was a good mom in my eyes most of the time. I thought I had a pretty good childhood until I was in 6th grade.

After she left us, we really found out what she was all about (herself!), and even then, we didn't know any better and thought that divorced parents were supposed to act self-centered and selfish. It wasn't until I grew up and had my oldest (of whom she chose not to come to visit in the hospital and chose not to attend his 1st birthday party because she was too immersed in her own life) that I started to realize what being a parent really meant, and how much she lacked in that area. It was just time after time after time when she failed when it really counted that I decided that she just doesn't have it in her to be a good mother. It's been a very difficult 3 years for me in this regard since my oldest child (DS15) turned 12 and was the same age I was when she left. I had to face a lot of long-repressed and forgotten feelings. It was horrible seeing how much he still needed a mother at that age and how she just took of and didn't care in the least that she left me to raise my little sisters at that very same age. I haven't been "mothered" since I was 12.

I can take care of myself, and had to at a very young age, but I feel most sorry for my younger sisters. They were 6 and 4 when my mother left us, so the only childhood/mother they have ever known is the selfish, narcissistic, self-preserving one. They didn't have the benefit of the "good childhood" that my older sister, myself, and next younger than me sister, had. My sister who was 6 when my mother left has absolutely no connection or contact with my mother at all. She hates her, and my mother pretty much just threw her hands up in the air like the victim she acts like and didn't do anything to try to preserve or help the relationship. It's very sad.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Enjoying your stories.

I like the idea that maybe it's been therapeutic, even if "going back there" can sometimes be painful.

I think it's also good for people who had "normal childhoods" to see how difficult others sometimes had it, and how early struggles can impact their iives down the road, even if they've "recovered". My DH and I are kind of like this. His family was pretty "normal", but he was around a lot of people who had different or troubled families so he understands even if he didn't experience it himself. I talk about things like this with my kids when they see something at school or know someone who's struggling I say how is their family situation. Hopefully it's helped make them more compassionate people understanding where people are coming from.

Here on the Dis we have a lot of differences in how we approach things. We often talk about it being "regional" or whatever. But it seems like we don't talk much about how our backgrounds influence who and how we are and how we parent, etc. It's not everything, but it does play a part.

 

[JamesMom]

My childhood was not the best. Born in 1967 and lived mostly on Long Island and CT until high school graduation.
From ages 2-12, my dad lived and worked in CT during the workweek, leaving me and my stay at home mom at home on Long Island. Weekends were fun times - for them. They would do household chores, shopping, etc. on Saturday dropping me off at the roller rink when I was old enough to be by myself (probably 10), and Sunday they would go out with their friends and leave me home with my brother (16 years older) or by myself when he moved out for pretty much the day. 'Vacations' were spent in TX visiting extended family. My mom admitted that she never should have had children (she ended up with 5 living with 3 different husbands), because we were an annoyance, preventing her from doing what she really wanted - which was drinking and dancing at a honky tonk. At 12, mom insisted we live in CT so my father could do more of 'his share' of child care. So I had to listen to their domestic disputes within the thin trailer walls until my dad was killed in a car accident when I was 15. BTW - my dad was an engineer -why we lived in a single wide trailer for 3 years blows my mind. Anyway. Like another poster, she waited every day on the front porch to beat for some slight infraction - chores not done, wrinkles in clothes, etc. The school nurse in elementary school called to find out why I had bruises all over me. I got more.
I survived high school by working as much as I could so I wouldn't be home most of the time. She was a bad drunk. My mom was a micromanager. She would double check my work schedule to confirm my hours (took my paystubs for verification) and I could not be more than 5 minutes late. Until I worked, I had a 5pm curfew on school nights - yes even my Senior year. On the weekends, however, I got the car (because of too many DWI she couldn't drive) after dropping her off at the bar at 11 am (yes, in the morning) till closing time. BTW - I was an average student, first in my dad's family to graduate college, never had sex in high school or did drugs - ever. I still only about 1 alcoholic drink a month. She and brother were excellent spokespersons for 'don't drink or use drugs'. Ruined both their lives. She died from Alzheimer's 5 years ago. Our relationship never recovered from my childhood. She tried to manipulate me my whole life. Time has not healed all my wounds. My brother died last year from complications of drug addiction and alcoholism.
My parenting style is way different. I love on my kids. Give them space and encourage them. I can count on one hand how many times I have used physical punishment. I camp and travel with my kids, have birthday parties, play games, etc. In a way, I am living a childhood with them. Might also explain my fascination with all things Disney I even homeschool because my younger son needed it. My mom would NEVER sacrifice herself like that. She left a marriage and family because her son was autistic. I am nurturing my autistic son! But, I will try to do my best to let them live their own lives and support their talents. They aren't teenagers yet, so time will tell. But I am confident that they won't need near as much therapy as I did to overcome their childhoods.

 

[ronandannette]

Enjoying your stories.

I like the idea that maybe it's been therapeutic, even if "going back there" can sometimes be painful.

I think it's also good for people who had "normal childhoods" to see how difficult others sometimes had it, and how early struggles can impact their iives down the road, even if they've "recovered". My DH and I are kind of like this. His family was pretty "normal", but he was around a lot of people who had different or troubled families so he understands even if he didn't experience it himself. I talk about things like this with my kids when they see something at school or know someone who's struggling I say how is their family situation. Hopefully it's helped make them more compassionate people understanding where people are coming from.

Here on the Dis we have a lot of differences in how we approach things. We often talk about it being "regional" or whatever. But it seems like we don't talk much about how our backgrounds influence who and how we are and how we parent, etc. It's not everything, but it does play a part.

I find it interesting as well, but honestly, I take it all with a grain of salt because perception is everything. I speak glowlingly of my parents; I'm thankful for them every day and in hindsight my upbringing was an incredible blessing. But that doesn't make me blind to their faults - which during my childhood and adolescence seemed glaring. I could make a list of circumstances that would leave many appalled if presented in a one-dimensional way. While I would never minimize anybody's pain, I also believe that "something" about an individual's own temperament causes them to be shaped more by the positive than the negative, because we all had some measure of both.

 

[Mokat76]

I'm a mid-Boomer (53) and middle kid from the Midwest. My parents were pretty good. Let us be kids, supported our dreams and hobbies and taught each of us to stand on our own two feet as adults. We weren't rich by any means but we lived decently in a neighborhood full of free-range kids. My dad taught me how to play basketball and coached my softball team. He was self- employed so looking back I can appreciate how tough that must have been. My mom was mostly stay-at-home but at certain times she worked full time with my dad. She did scouts with all of us and drove to stuff that was too far to bike ride to. My grandma lived with us, too, so we never knew a non-family babysitter. They were good parents who grew up poor, wanted more for their kids and worked really hard to make that happen. We were lucky to have them.

 

[suzimar57]

Born in 1957 - grew up in the 60s/70s - father was abusive alcoholic - mother was submissive doormat (love her dearly, but that's what she was) - very strict upbringing, many rules, father was obsessive about cleaning, no friends ever allowed into our home - was beaten (literally) regularly over anything by father while mother would try to stop it (getting herself beaten) - life was living hell, problems at home were the stuff of Oprah episodes - moved out at first opportunity - had son, divorced, single parent, moved many times, remarried - have always put my son above anything, never abused him, loved him unconditionally - finally at this stage of my life, things are good (and will be better when my father dies - then we can finally have some time with our mother before she's gone, too) - yeah, i know there are those who won't agree with what i've said here, but unless you've lived this life yourself, you wouldn't understand (was child back when you "didn't speak" about what went on at home & neighbors didn't get involved because they were treating their children the same way) - i look at old photos and we're all smiling, but that's not what we were feeling at the time, we were TOLD to smile & look happy (all about what people see)- when i see someone who gets along with their parents, is loved, cared for & supported - well, wish it had been me.

 

[DisneyNutMary]

I was born in 72 in Brooklyn. The youngest of four. I was "raised by a village" my grandparents owned the house and lived upstairs. My two aunts lived on either side, my grandmother had four of her sisters living on the same block or one block over. My cousins were my friends. There were also others on the block who were related by marriage, so about 50% of the families on this street of row houses were intertwined.
We were lower middle class, not exactly poor, but struggling to get by. We never knew it as kids, there was money when the ice cream man came every night, there was food on the table, our tuition was always paid, though sometimes late, for which the nuns would embarrass us. When the government cheese came in, my cousins and I were usually on the list to get free cheese, we didn't know it meant our income was under a certain amount because most of the kids in class got it too.
My mom was the primary caregiver, with the aunts and grandma and every other female chipping in to keep is all in line. Dad went to work and spent his free time at the Knights of Columbus. We went on vacations that we could drive to, mom, aunts and cousins and over packed ourselves into cheap motel rooms. Dads stayed home.
We had fun; we were out until the streetlights came on, we were respectful of adults, we roamed the neighborhood and our moms had no idea what we were up to, but they knew there were eyes on every corner so they never worried.

I wish I could have raised my kids like that, but even though our incomes are better than our parents, we could never afford to live on that street, where the homes now go for upwards of two million because of proximity to Manhattan and the quiet beauty of the neighborhood. So we all moved in different directions, and once a year we have a big family picnic and try to keep our kids in touch with what we once had.

 

[Buzz-Light-Beer]

Growing up my parents were pretty strict. They never spanked or hit me as discipline, but they would send me to my room and take pretty much everything out of the room other then my clothes and bed and I'd be punished to my room for like 2-3 weeks at a time. They had a lot of rules as well which when I was really young I would mostly follow. When I turned 15 though I began to become a rebel and kind of wild which led me to be punished a lot from the age of 15-17. Looking back those few years I am kind of glad they were strict because now I have a 1 month old baby girl and I will know how to discipline her if she turns out like I was in the teen years.

 

[MIGrandma]

I was born in 1957, graduated high school in 1975. Mom was basically a homemaker. She had a job out of the home for a couple of years when I was 7 or 8, then in high school she babysat in our home. Dad worked nights at an auto plant in Lansing so he slept during the day. He was sleeping when I went to school, and gone to work when I got home. So I basically only saw him on weekends and summer vacation. I was an only child, so fairly spoiled. I had friends to play with, but did spend a fair amount of time alone too. We took a summer vacation to Texas just about every other year, to see Dad's family. They were pretty strict, and if I disobeyed I got the paddle from Mom. The only time I ever remember getting a spanking from my Dad was when a picked a daffodil in my aunt's yard and lied about it. He asked me if I picked it and I said no, but my aunt saw me do it. I got a spanking, he said not for picking the flower but for lying about it. I always gave my Dad a lot of credit, because he came from a home with a very abusive father and he could have turned out the same way. In high school I had a curfew. I think the only thing I did different than they did was not have just one child. I knew how lonely I felt at times and I didn't want my child feeling that way so we had two children (boy and girl). I believed in spanking as they did, and helping around the house as they had me do, and curfews in high school, etc. Mom and I were always close, still are (she's 78). I always wished Dad and I could have been closer, but with his work schedule it just didn't happen. But later as an adult we did bowl together for several years on a mixed doubles league, and for a long time we had a once-a-month lunch date, just the two of us, and I will always treasure those times (he passed away in 2008).

 

[Ress76]

Very interesting question!

Western NY, early 80s to 90s

My parents were kind of somewhere between laid back and preoccupied. I am the oldest of 2 girls, and my sister was a nightmare from the time she was about 13 (and probably before) so a lot of their attention was directed at her. I wrote her out of my life years ago and am much the better for it, though I know it bugs my mom. My parents were not affectionate to each other at all, and my mom wasn't affectionate to us, or to anyone for that matter. I have always thought they decided to have kids (they were married 7 years before I was born) either to shut my grandmothers up or because they felt like that's just what they were supposed to do. My mother, at times, could be absolutely cruel, and I've always said she parented by humiliation. I was much closer to my dad that my mom because we had a lot more of the same interests-reading, history, sports, and I was devastated when he died. Seeing my bf's 75 year old parents still so in love, it's very striking that it's so different from how I grew up.

We were close to the other families on our block, so I'd say they were pretty free-range. I used to ride my bike 3 or 4 miles to my godparent's daughter's hair salon with no issue. I will say, in all my 13 years K-12, I missed the school bus exactly 1 time. I walked to school rather than go home and tell my mom (over a mile walk, I was probably 7).

My dad died when I was 17, and my sister was pregnant with my niece. I was the first person in my family to graduate form college, she never said congratulations. She announced my engagement to her friends as "I'm going to be a mother-in-law!". I pretty much base how I raised my stepson and how I run my relationships as the opposite how she operates. I think the only thing we share is that we can be sarcastic.