what was my brother thinking

[Kelly'sLove]

I have some very bad news to tell my father passed away yesterday of cancer of only finding out a month ago he had it. He had a cancer scare 2 years ago and they did not find anything then. When they found out they told him he had a year then they told him he had 3-6 months then he just passed away yesterday after a month. My mom kept telling my brother who lives in California that my dad did not have much time left and for him to come down to say his goodbyes before it is too late he refused to. Then when we called him yesterday he said the next flight that leaves California will not be until Monday we know he can get a flight earlier but he just does not want to. This is the same brother I wrote a post about a couple months ago. We realized that he is just concerned about himself because today is his 30th birthday and he needs to P-A-R-T-Y. If you know him you would know that the only person he ever cared about was himself. When my brother talked to him he just hung up the phone from him not once asking to see how our mother is doing. Sorry about the rant I just needed to talk because what he did really upset me and my family.

 

[jx3smom]

I am sorry for your loss. It is a real shame that your brother will not be there for your mother but his is the one who will have regrets in the future. Take care of your self and your mother. My thoughts and prayers will be with you and your family at this really difficult time.

 

[Pop Daddy]

Im sorry about your dad, I think your borther is just in a shock, people handle things differently

 

[snoopy]

I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your Dad.

 

[Dan Murphy]

My condolences and best wishes are with you and your mom, Kelly'sLove. So very sorry to hear of your dad's passing. And do hope your brother comes around to see life in a new light, sometimes things like this wake people up.

A {hug} KL, hope the days ahead bring comfort as you reminisce a good life.

Dan

 

[TLinden16]

Sorry to hear about your dad. You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Karen

 

[browneyes]

I'm sorry about your dad.

I think this is just your brother's way of dealing with the pain. I have one brother that will go into a denial state about bad things all the time. As long as he can keep busy and not think about the bad things, in his mind the bad things don't exist. I have another brother that is self-absorbed though.

 

[holycow]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))) to you Kelli and your Mom...I know this must be such a terrible time for you and I can tell how angry you are at your bro...I had the exact same thing happen just 3 yrs. ago when my father died...I called and emailed my sister hoping she would visit with my dad (she was always his favorite too) and she wouldn't until it was too late....My DH had to foot the bill for her to fly from Az. to Ca! but 3 weeks later she zoomed down to pick up the car mom gave her along with all the money to fix it up. Such a shame..some people never come out of their selfishness unfortunately....and she was in her 40's when this all happened.

Take care ....I can only imagine what you are going through

Lisa

 

[Mishetta]

I'm so sorry for the loss of your Dad. Try not to carry anger over your brother, it just sounds like he needs to grow up. That's his problem. Be there for your Mom.....I'm sure she needs you more right now.

 

[Eeyore1954]

Please accept my sympathy for your loss.

Your brother may be trying to deal with a lot of feelings of guilt and anger right now. The death of a parent is, as you know, incredibly stressful. The sudden loss makes it even harder to cope.

I would encourage you and your family to provide him with lots of love and support as he works through his emotions. Each person grieves in a different way. It sounds like he is having a lot of trouble dealing with all the emotions flooding him right now.

 

[MICKEY88]

I agree with Eeyore1954....your brother might really be having a hard time dealing with this......he might not have come to visit your dad because he was in denial...now he' could be dealing with guilt and anger..the average male suffers a rollercoaster of emotions when they lose their father...pain , guilt, anger....

I highly recommend the book "FATHERLOSS"...for both of your brothers...or any man who has lost their father as well as for women to help understand what men go thru while grieving



ABOUT FATHERLOSS

FatherLoss: How Sons of All Ages Come to Terms With the Deaths of Their Dads is the first-of-its kind study of men's anxieties about and responses to the deaths of their fathers. Men are often expected to respond to loss with emotional strength and presence of mind. Double standards continue to exist between women, who are expected to grieve openly, and men, who are not.

FatherLoss offers portraits of John F. Kennedy, Jr., Michael Jordan, Ernest Hemingway, and other well-known men, focusing on how they came to terms with the deaths of their fathers. But at the heart of the book are the experiences of 376 men whom journalist Neil Chethik surveyed in more than three years of research on the subject. Chethik tells us:how a son can prepare for the loss of his father



specific strategies for coping in the period immediately following the death



the role that women can play in helping men through such a loss



four specific styles of men's grieving



how children, young adults, middle-aged men, and older men react differently to a father's death



how fathers can help prepare a son for their own death




Neil Chethik was the author of a highly popular syndicated column called VoiceMale from 1992-96. The idea for FatherLoss arose from a column Chethik published in 1995, to which reader response was enormous. His audience, it seemed, needed a forum in which to explore their experiences and hear from other men who were experiencing the same event. Surprisingly enough, this is the first, and thus far only, book to specifically address how sons deal with the death of the most influential man in their lives.

 

[Pat]

I am sorry to hear about your father.

It sounds like your brother needs to grow up.

 

[FOJMO]

Let me first say that I am terribly sorry about your Dad's passing. My prayers and thoughts are with you and your loved ones (including your brother).

It seems as if every family has at least one of this type of person in it -- the self-absorbed one. In our family it's my mother.

When my dear brother was battling colon cancer last year and was so sick in MD, I offered to fly my mother with us there from FL to visit him before he passed away (which was very imminent). My dear brother was only 48 YO. He said, more than once, that he wished he could see Mom. Well, she didn't go to see him with us. She would say, "What can I do for him"? But, one month later, she found the time, money and effort to fly to PA for his memorial service and funeral! That's because that's where all the people would be gathered and she would be the center of attention as the deceased's mother! It was "showtime"!

This is also the same woman who was still the beneficiary on one of my brother's 401K policies (he was trying to change it before he died so his 2 kids would get the proceeds). Well, guess what she did? She cashed in the 401K after he passed away and kept the money! She said the kids had enough with the insurance money and she needed it!

And this is why I have yet to tell her about my breast cancer diagnosis of last week. I certainly don't need to make this another chance at "martyrdom" through me!

Once again, Kelli, take care and be there for your Mom. She needs you and don't worry about your brother. You can't change someone, no matter what. He needs to come to that realization himself. VAL

 

[minniecarousel]

My condolences KL. Hang in there.

 

[DoeWDW]

I'm sorry to hear of your father's passing. I'll keep you and your family (including your brother) in my prayers.

 

[Pam]

My deepest sympathy to you and your family on the loss of your Dad.

And FOJMO - I will pray for you.

 

[KathyFP]

Sorry to hear about your dad. You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Keep focused on what you and your mom need at the moment. Be there for her. We are here for you.

 

[JetMom]

So sorry to hear about the loss of your Dad.

I am sure that your brother is hurting and needs to deal with the loss in his own way.

Keep close to those who love you and remember that we are all sending you our love and prayers.

 

[Kismet Kitty]

I am sorry for your loss.

 

[cinmell]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.