What to do with teen who doesn't do homework

[Tiggeroo]

I have a son who is a sophomore who can't seem to get it together with homework. He is otherwise a good kid. He mostly does well on his tests but his homework scores are killing him. We went thru this last year and got thru the year by the skin of his teeth mostly by me being a nag and constant punishments. He is not a terribly outgoing kid so taking away outside time does not really work. In fact when he does make plans, I am reluctant to take them away from him as I believe he really needs to be more social. We have done chores, check with his teachers every friday, grounding, removing privaleges, etc... He does better for awhile and then slips. I need to come up with a solution now before his gpa gets worst and seriously effects college plans of any sort.
In highschool it is difficult for me to do too much as he has so many teachers, who have so many students.
Possible steps may be to have every teacher check his homework assignment book every single day and then stand at his school and make sure he brings it home.
Take away every single privelage for seemingly the rest of his life.
I am really considering counseling to see if there is a reason he is doing this.
Place him in a smaller private school with less teachers, where I can perhaps be more involved.
The thing is I want him to stand on his own. I don't want him to do things because his mom is following him around.
I get angry at him, but he knows I care and am worried about him.
Anybody else ever been thru this and come up with something that works. Should I just lean on him and believe that someday he will do it on his own?

 

[mamajoan]

You have just described my 15 y/o son. He feels homework is a useless, repetitive task. "Why do I have to do homework when I get A's on tests? is his biggest, loudest remark... " Because it is required by the teacher" is my only answer...
This was a big problem Freshman year. 2nd semester we made an agreement. If homework is required for the class then it must be completed. Our H.S will give grade checks whenever requested, there is a section on the form for project and homework completion. We had him get a weekly grade check on Friday. No matter what the grade is for the class. That section must be marked 100% complete. Otherwise there is no tv, no dances, football games or after school activities until ALL homework in All classes is Complete. It was a struggle and we had to be firm. We also made it known to his teachers that we were aware that they were overworked and underpaid, but as his parents we were only concerned with HIS performance. Therefore we requested their attention and help in the matter. All of them were more than happy to work with us to rectify the situation. They were happy to see parents involved in a childs academic progress.
His grades improved. Sophmore year- same agreement made.. with the exception that grade checks were unannounced requests made by us- if he kept up the good effort of doing all his homework the 1st quarter we would not request grade checks at all the 2nd quarter. Well, it worked... surprised the hec out of us. He still complains about the busy work homework, but he is doing it. He hated getting the grade checks.
15 is a difficult age for teenage young men. They don't seem to know if they are coming or going.. but they are full of bravado telling adults that THEY KNOW what they are doing..
DS has also become more social this year. We require our kids to be in at least one school activity of their choice. DS chose academic decatholon this year. It has done wonders for him.
I hope it helps to know that you are not alone. Mothers of teenagers UNITE!!!

 

[poohandwendy]

The thing is I want him to stand on his own. I don't want him to do things because his mom is following him around

Then you have to back down a bit and allow him to make a few mistakes. I have been there (my DD is also a sophomore). The way we have dealt with her is you have to maintain honor roll, anything less will result in her having things she enjoys taken away. I refuse to follow her around and remind her of what she KNOWS shhe is responsible. But you bet your last dollar I WILL enforce the rules. And the trick here for parents is consistency.

You have to find a restriction that hurts him (tv, phone, playstation, sports, friends over, music,going out on weekends, whatever) There has to be something he would prefer not to lose. If he is totally introverted and would prefer to be alone in his room, make him join the family. Do not allow him to go to his room until bedtime. My point is....find a way to make him feel consequences for his not doing what is required. You cannot make him do it, but you CAN make him want to have his 'life' back.


Make a rule of how long his life is 'suspended' and STICK TO IT! Trust me, when he feels the pain of consequence for a long enough time...he will eventually remember to do his homework. You have to make it his choice. He learns nothing from your 'reminding' him of what he already knows is HIS responsibility.

As far as college goes...you aren't doing him any favors if you hover over him...he will never learn to do it on his own unless it effects HIS LIFE when he doesn't. If you spoon feed schoolwork to him now...he won't make it in college later. Leave the decision up to him...do homework...life is good...Don't do it...life is miserable. He will thank you later when he realizes that everything he does (or doesn't) sets the stage for what his life will be like. Trust me, it works.

 

[Pin Wizard]

My sister's son went through this in 7th and/or 8th grade! She took away his computer keyboard so he couldn't play the games he'd rather play instead of doing homework. It worked. But she said that at the time, he was a kid who knew what the minimum was he needed to do to pass the class and did that. Shhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Don't tell my son that!!

 

[poohandwendy]

PS....as far as him not being social enough...this is another area you cannot lead him with. You have to allow him to be himself. He will find his niche eventually. Unless he is showing symptoms of clinical depression, he is just being himself. HS is a very rough time for all kids...he will eventually become TOO social!!! Also, I agree with mamajoan on staying on it with the teachers...I really didn't specify (we did and do the same thing)

Good luck to you and your son!

 

[Tiggeroo]

Never had this problem with oldest dd. She was harder on self then we ever could be. Had slight problem with other son, but if I took away skate board/surf board for a time he was miserable and fixed the problem himself. I just haven't found what this son would miss most. He likes to hang around the house, spend time with cousins, maybe watch tv or play video games but not excessively. We have taken away at various times tv,pc, video games, time out with cousins, sports, and he just accepts the punishment and goes on with his life.
He is on the school football team and I am not willing to take this away as we require one outside activity in our house and son was reluctant to do this. He only joined because of this requirement and it actually seems to be good for him. His coach places a heavy emphasis on grades and pulls all the boys progress and report cards and talks to them about them.
He does struggle with organization. I did take away his youth group retreat for next week.
He does assignments and loses them or leaves them home on table. He also feels he in infallable. He believes that even if he misses a few assignments it won't really hurt his grades and he can play catch up. Last year, however he failed math and ended up in summer school. This was following my let him take the consequences move. He hated summer school and swore he would never let this happen again. Yet, here we are six weeks into the year with the same problem.
Next dh and I will meet with the guidance counselor. I suppose the next step is having teachers check his homework assignment book..

 

[helenabear]

I just wanted to add my two cents as someone who did this in middle school and highschool. I can tell you for me punishment didn't work. They tried that in the 8th grade with me. It just got me very mad and very upset (pretty much depressed). I had my parents watching over me and my teachers too. I felt like I was in a prison. When I did the same thing in highschool and almost failed a class (got a D-) that was my wake up call. No one had pestered me, no one had punished me but I got my act together when I became embarrassed by that grade and then saw the look of total and utter disappointment on my parents' faces. Punishment is okay for somethings as is parents pushing but they did me no favors by getting on my case for it because as you get older the teachers care less about things like that and you'll be doing them no good once they get to college. I don't know exactly what I am trying to say but you need to figure out why the homework isn't getting done. Since he already failed and had to do summer school I'd wonder what is really bothering him about school or his life in general. Hopefully the guidance councelor can help with that but I think finding the reason why he does this is important... more so than trying to find a way to get around it right now. I'll tell you truthfully for me I cared so little about myself and my life that I didn't care at all what my grades were. A male friend of mine went through something very similar to your son and they found out that his hormones still going through the puberty thing messed him up pretty badly and they were able to correct it with some medication (he only took for a few years). I probably was no help at all, but I just wanted to say that sometimes there are real reasons for this that some may not realize. Good luck to you and your son.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Well my thinking is very different. I flunked in my past. DH didn't graduate.
Here is my take on it. When my child is doing poorly that is a clear signal to me that something is wrong and they are trying to get your attention, ie they need you to babysit while they do the homework, or they don't get it or something else like a psychiatrist/counselor. I deem it my job to solve the mystery and figure out a solution.
Since your son is in HS I would not only would I "fix" the homework issue (and not by punishment because need to figure out the issues first) but I would explore colleges, and majors and what does he want to do. Motivation with HIS goals at the end.
He needs to see why he needs to do his homework.

BTW I am wrangling my 6th grader. I only step in when they "tell" me they need me. Or as I put it to my dd, you don't want me in your stuff then DO BETTER!

 

[CamColt]

Funny you should ask this. Im sitting here watching the news and there is a story about what a mother made her 12 yo son do. He wasnt doing his homework so she had him stand on a street corner with a sign saying "I dont do my homework. Beep if you think this is a fair punishment"(something like that). There is a big controversy over it now, whther its abusive or not.

 

[damo]

I hate to tell you this guys, but as a high school math teacher, from my experience there's not a heck of a lot you can do. Many teenagers think they know everything and it's practically impossible to tell them otherwise. They have to grow up and learn it for themselves. Sorry.

 

[Snoozan]

This describes my now 20yoDS. He manged to get into the local community college last year, but ended up flunking most of the classes due to not attending class or doing the homework. He decided to take this fall semester off and work full-time for a local landscape company. This is hard,hard work but he's been doing it for the last 3 summers without hardly any complaint-heat or rain.

Well, let me tell you, after a recent cold, rainy day, he came home and announced he couldn't wait for the spring semester to start! Guess life outside in the real world isn't too promising without some college degree. He assured me he'd be the "best student ever". He's such a bright kid-excellent standardized test scores, but could never get the homework thing down. I'm so hoping this is the "bottom" and it's onward & upward from here.

I guess what I mean to say is, you can't live your child's life for him and they have to make their own mistakes. There's no way you can force him to do anything(believe it or not), but he's going to have to make up his own mind as to when he's ready to get serious about school. I've stressed myself over this so many times, but now realize, my son will do just fine in life as I know he's the hardest worker(physically)that I've ever known. He's much happier now than I've ever seen him, even though he knows school is again in his future.

 

[Krisu]

I agree with damo, at this age they know what is expected of them . I stopped hovering, it was only adding stress to the family. My DS knows that we expect him to go to college and he's not going to live here working at a minimum wage job the rest of his life. I also think kids like this will find their niche once they find something they really enjoy. Meanwhile they have to accept the consequences of not living up to their responsibilities.

 

[musicfan]

When my son was blowing off homework I "just happened" to get him into the car and down to our local 7-11. As our car was on autofill, I got back into the car and struck up a little conversation about the poor guy out in the rain filling the "full serve" gas tanks. About what a boring, boring, hideous job that would be. About how much he probably made. Then I began talking to my son about how much things cost around our house (and we live very modestly). He was blown away by how much you would have to earn to have those things, and it was clear that this guy in the 7-11 was probably struggling to make ends meet, with no extras at all.

I mentioned that this is the kind of job you end up having to take if you don't go to college, and that blowing off homework leads to grades that make you uninteresting to colleges. I asked him how he envisioned his life as an adult -- what kind of car, what kind of house, etc. Then I gave him a rough idea of how much he would have to earn for that, and what sorts of jobs you would have to do to be able to make that much, and what kind of education that would take.

It was all very low key, but I will say that his attitude towards homework changed after that conversation. I wasn't in-his-face, I didn't lecture, it was just sort of a meandering conversation. He is now a sophomore and very responsible academically. That conversation finally made him think about the connection between what he WANTS and what he has to do to get it. I really think he may not have had any idea what things really cost before that.

Of course, all of this would have been useless if he just really wasn't capable of doing the academic work, or if he was depressed about something (in fact, if he was depressed, it would probably have only made things work as depression often results in self-destructive behavior). But if you've checked out those two things, maybe this pparoach might help? Hope so!

 

[jan/cape]

My daughter is a day student at a boarding school. We just had conferences. Her grades are good, but we heard from a few of her teachers that she needs to add more detail to her homework (at least she does the homework). So, she now follows some of the boarders rules, NO phone from 7pm -9pm (she goes to bed between 9 and 9:30) and she can not get online until all homework is completed. Only on-line if it is research stuff. And she can no longer hang out on campus until 6p.m. when her sports are done she calls for a ride home.

If your son forgets a book or materials at school, are you able to drive him back to get them? The custodians are usually in the building until about 10pm.

 

[cinlee3]

Is your son driving yet or does he have his permit. I told both my kids no drivers license without a B average.

My oldest never has homework? He manages to make A's and B's with minimal effort. He has only brought home a couple of C's at the nine week mark. Our school district does not give D's if you make below a 70, you fail. If he were to fail any class- he knows I can go to the Dept. of Public Safety and sign a form taking away his permission to drive (at least until age 18). We also have a no pass-no play rule in the district. Any grade below a 70 and no sports or extracurricular activities.

 

[Simba's Mom]

Like damo, I am a high school math teacher too. I teach at a military school with small classes-MANY students here didn't do their homework in public school. To me, however, if you can solve the mystery of how to get him to do his homework, you've solved the mystery of life! Although I've seen some things motivate kids to do their homework, it's just such a stubborn, unsolvable problem for a great number of kids. And you know the ultimate irony? DS was one who didn't do his homework in high school! As his teacher told me,"don't get too uptight, focus on his positives, he will survive, let this be his problem and consequences." And like me, you're probably thinking, "Sure, easy for you to say!" But you know, DS grew out of it, fortunately before I did major damage!

 

[Bob NC]

My daughter's middle school teachers post all homework assignments on the net every day so we can check nightly to see exactly what she should have done for the next day.

I don't know where they find the time to do this daily, but I sure appreciate the fact that they do it.

 

[MerryPoppins]

DS had a cool assignment in 8th grade. They were given a job and a salary. They had to find an apartment (all bills paid or figure in the extra bills), transportation, food (trip to the grocery store with a list . . . he could eat out once a week and at our house once a week), entertainment like there was any money left for that!

The teacher also allowed them to have a room-mate, but they had to agree on food issues, etc. Then, they drew random slips of paper in class that gave them more money or took some away, as in something needed fixing or someone sent a birthday check.

My son had BIG plans. He wanted to live alone. A cool car was high on his list and a nice apartment, but the salary just wouldn't cut it. He ended up taking public transportation and living in a cheap apartment and eating lots of peanut butter. He thought about it hard and said he wants a job that pays a lot more than that one did. He really works at good grades in high school. Sometimes I think they need a little dose of the real world.

 

[C.Ann]

How about having him sit at the dining room table each night for whatever time it would take for him to do the homework? Eventually he would have to make up his mind as to whether he wants to "waste" his time doing busy work - or "waste" his time sitting in a dining room chair doing absolutely nothing..

If that doesn't work, I would go with natural consequences and let him fail.. I know that's a tough pill to swallow, but sometimes it's the only thing that works.. I know - I did it with one of my children - but after having to repeat one grade it was never a problem again..

Good luck! Teenagers can be tough..

 

[CarlaKay]

Have you considered having him evaluated for learning disabilities or ADHD. I (and my two daughters) are ADHD (inattentive, not hyperactive). There is a helpful diagnostic tool called TOVA (Test of Variables of Attention). Once those things are ruled out, then you just have the growing up issues. Lots of people don't get this things found until they have problems in college or at adult jobs.

I went all the way through school and was a National Merit Scholar. I have a CPA, JD and am working on my LLM. I don't say that to brag--I'm just pointing out that a diagnosis isn't the end of the world. I was not diagosed ADD until three years ago and it makes things really clear in terms of why somethings were just so difficult.

I made A's on tests, but never turned in homework, I had great college entry exam scores, but homework--ugh! And despite my good intentions, I couldn't get it completely right. I'd always be working at the last minute. Punishment didn't help nor did working it out on my own--I lacked the ability to even think that way. I created coping strategies and was/am successful, but I wish I'd known earlier just to have some patience with myself