What to do when your sister is headed for a cliff...

[Gigi22]

OP, frankly if I saw my DSis running towards what I considered to be a financial disaster, I would mind my own business. Unsolicited advice is virtually always ignored, in my experience. Just giving the advice would make my DSis resent me until the day one of us dies--so, no, no advice here!

 

[DawnM]

I think you have already made your opinion known to her and really that is all you can do. You can't force her not run strait into the train.

I know I get really upset when I listen to people's financial craziness because I really do feel I have some answers in this aspect of life.

However, an area I do not seem to get a hold of is my eating and weight. So, you telling me to NOT eat that chocolate cake when the fork is already lifts might make me want to put the cake part down and gouge you in the eye with said fork!

Dawn

 

[RachelsMommie]

Well, I appreciate all of the comments!

Yes, being joint executors will definitely be a nightmare, but my parents are convinced that is the way to go. The loan forgiveness has nothing to do with their will as they are just asking that we split everything three ways. I worry because I don't want my parents to be taken advantage of, plus they are trying to retire and need to watch their money situation.

Unfortunately, Sister A lives near San Antonio and Sister B lives north of Dallas, so around 5-6 hours between them. Sister A has promised that she will take the horse and take care of him if Sister B needs a place to keep him if their finances take a bad turn. So that's something.

I went to the horse show this morning and talked to Sister B's DH. Thankfully, they are no longer mad at me. I tried to explain that I'm saying something because of love for them, not out of judgement. The other thing I tried to talk to them about is their approach to this. They keep saying they think this $7500 horse is something God wants them to do. I told them if God wants you to do something, it won't be something against his Word, such as Proverbs 20. They actually did listen to me on that point.

Also, Sister A found a bunch of $2-3K horses that would be a better fit, training and temperment wise, than the $7500 horse. If they are going to do this, maybe we can at least limit the outlay.

And no, you can't fix stupid. I swear, I wish I could.

 

[robinb]

The other thing I tried to talk to them about is their approach to this. They keep saying they think this $7500 horse is something God wants them to do. I told them if God wants you to do something, it won't be something against his Word, such as Proverbs 20. They actually did listen to me on that point.

God wanted them to buy a $7500 horse they can't afford? Then God should have helped them win the lottery!

 

[palavra]

You don't say anything. Their financial situation really isn't any of your business. If they come to you to borrow money, a simple no is all you need to say.

This. Not sure why you are so bothered? Your sister is an adult.

 

[starry_solo]

Well, I appreciate all of the comments!

Yes, being joint executors will definitely be a nightmare, but my parents are convinced that is the way to go. The loan forgiveness has nothing to do with their will as they are just asking that we split everything three ways. I worry because I don't want my parents to be taken advantage of, plus they are trying to retire and need to watch their money situation.

Try to convince your parents to name a non-family member as an executor of the will.

 

[palavra]

Well, I guess I will be the lone person who says that I would say something to her if she were my sister. In my family, we say what we think about things and then we all know where we stand with each other. We don't hold grudges or hurt feelings inside. We say how we feel and then move on.

I'd tell her that it really bothered me that she had borrowed money and not paid it back to my parents and then talked about paying 3 times that much for an un-needed horse. I'd ask her how she thought it made her parents feel when she was talking about that at dinner? I'd then say that I just needed to tell her how I was feeling about the conversation about money over dinner and that I was worried about her financial health. Give her a copy of Dave's book and tell her that you worry about her and that you'd like her to read the book. Then say, you will never mention this again as you've said what you had to say on the subject BUT you'd appreciate it if she didn't involve her family in her personal financial discussions anymore because everyone was worried about her. Then I'd leave her alone and never mention it again.

You may not change her but at least she knows how you feel and you are not harboring stress/anger/fear about her situation anymore.

But it isn't any of her business that her sister borrowed money from the parents. Why should she be upset about it? Let the parents handle it.

 

[branv]

Well actually, if there is ANY chance you will have to be the caretakers of your elderly parents because they cannot afford to pay for necessary private care or assistance due to aging or illness, then it is your business when a sibling eats away at their retirement or savings. I've always agreed that until someone's spending negatively affects you (emotionally doesn't count) or they ask for a bail out, it really isn't your place to say anything. But if you will ultimately possibly be responsible for someone because of their or others financial issues, then the gloves are off.

The OP has already said her parents are nearing 70, and can't retire until they pay off their home. Which does imply that they are not wealthy, do not already have enough money for retirement despite being at retirement age, and have potential concern for financial issues on their end as well. If the OP and her other sister are AT ALL possibly going to have to step in and provide care for her parents because they cannot afford to pay for it themselves, then what negatively impacts the parents finances now is their business.

Plus, mom brought you in when she vented to you about her worries and concerns. I think it's time to sit her down and say that she might be helping your sister out now, but ultimately at what cost to the rest of her children?

 

[RachelsMommie]

But it isn't any of her business that her sister borrowed money from the parents. Why should she be upset about it? Let the parents handle it.

Not singling you out, PP, but this comment has been made multiple times as to why I am upset.

I'm upset because I don't want my parents sucked into giving my sister more money that they don't have to give her. They love my sister and will give them more money if this blows up in their face. I want my parents to concentrate on their future, not my sister's bad decisions.

I've never borrowed money from my parents, and if I did, I would never be able to accept debt forgiveness and then turn around and spend 3-4 times that money on a horse for my child. That debt to my parents would be the most important debt I could pay off.

I just feel like my parents got "taken" by my sister. And I can't help but resent her for it when I hear my mom worrying about her financial future.

 

[luvmy3]

Not singling you out, PP, but this comment has been made multiple times as to why I am upset.

I'm upset because I don't want my parents sucked into giving my sister more money that they don't have to give her. They love my sister and will give them more money if this blows up in their face. I want my parents to concentrate on their future, not my sister's bad decisions.

I've never borrowed money from my parents, and if I did, I would never be able to accept debt forgiveness and then turn around and spend 3-4 times that money on a horse for my child. That debt to my parents would be the most important debt I could pay off.

I just feel like my parents got "taken" by my sister. And I can't help but resent her for it when I hear my mom worrying about her financial future.

I can underdstand why you would feel that way, but the truth is your parents chose to forgive your sisters debt to them, and while a responsible dd would have paid it back anyway before buying a horse, after her debt was "forgiven" she was in the free and clear to spend whatever money she had on whatever she wanted. If your parents never forgave her that debt and she was buying that horse it would be a total different situation. It doesn't matter what you would have done, or what you think the right thing for your sister is, she was given a free pass to not pay that money back.
I don't know if I missed it, but how long was it between the purchase of the horse and the debt? Was it immediately or had awhile passed?
n/m I see it was only a few months, I was thinking it had been a real long time.

 

[Eastern]

This problem only increases when one has multiple siblings. There is really nothing you can do. It is up to the parents to set the boundaries. Often, parents feel good about helping a 'needy' child while the other more careful children are ignored. Happens all the time.

 

[Traveliz]

Not singling you out, PP, but this comment has been made multiple times as to why I am upset.

I'm upset because I don't want my parents sucked into giving my sister more money that they don't have to give her. They love my sister and will give them more money if this blows up in their face. I want my parents to concentrate on their future, not my sister's bad decisions.

I've never borrowed money from my parents, and if I did, I would never be able to accept debt forgiveness and then turn around and spend 3-4 times that money on a horse for my child. That debt to my parents would be the most important debt I could pay off.

I just feel like my parents got "taken" by my sister. And I can't help but resent her for it when I hear my mom worrying about her financial future.

Your parents know what is going on - they are still working so I am assuming they still are able to make their own decisions. You don't have to like it but as a mom I sure would not want one kid telling me to do about the other no matter how old they (unless I asked for advice). It can be frustrating to you but you need to step back.

Mom and Dad can see exactly what is going on.

Liz

 

[mom to minnie&mickey]

Not singling you out, PP, but this comment has been made multiple times as to why I am upset.

I'm upset because I don't want my parents sucked into giving my sister more money that they don't have to give her. They love my sister and will give them more money if this blows up in their face. I want my parents to concentrate on their future, not my sister's bad decisions.

I've never borrowed money from my parents, and if I did, I would never be able to accept debt forgiveness and then turn around and spend 3-4 times that money on a horse for my child. That debt to my parents would be the most important debt I could pay off.

I just feel like my parents got "taken" by my sister. And I can't help but resent her for it when I hear my mom worrying about her financial future.

OP I agree with everything you wrote. We are in the same boat. Dh's sister has sponged off my in-laws for about 20 years now. Married a dead-beat, moved into her parents' rental apt. with the understanding that they would pay rent, never paid a dime because they knew her parents would not throw them out. She divorced 13 years ago, no kids, and is still there living for free while my in-laws pay for taxes, repairs, insurance, heating etc. Why does she do this? Because she knows she can, her parents will never tell her to leave and she takes full advantage of that. She has a well-paying job and only herself to support. Dh and I have been married for 15 years, 2 kids, own our home and have never asked them for 1 dollar. Obviously there is a lot of friction between us and dh's sister. How could there not be? Parents of grown children who keep bailing them out of their mistakes do them great harm. If they do not treat all their kids fairly in terms of $ then they are only tearing their family apart. Grudges are inevitable. It sounds like your sister has no ability to distinguish right from wrong and so will continue milking your parents if she sees they are still willing to give her money. You and your other sister have every right to speak up and remind your parents that they have 3 children not one. Are they able to give you the same amount of money? Why not? If your sister can use extra money for luxuries I'm sure you can too. Who do you think your parents will turn to for help if they go bankrupt or cannot support themselves in the future? Your sister will be nowhere to be found. Speak up because at the end of the day every dollar she wheezles out of them most certainly affects the other siblings, be it them having to support the parents or,sad to say, in terms of inheritance.
Of course she will get mad at you because only in secrecy and silence can she get away with what she is doing.

 

[happygirl]

Stay out of it!!! It's between your sister and parents.

 

[Arielle22]

OP I agree with everything you wrote. We are in the same boat. Dh's sister has sponged off my in-laws for about 20 years now. Married a dead-beat, moved into her parents' rental apt. with the understanding that they would pay rent, never paid a dime because they knew her parents would not throw them out. She divorced 13 years ago, no kids, and is still there living for free while my in-laws pay for taxes, repairs, insurance, heating etc. Why does she do this? Because she knows she can, her parents will never tell her to leave and she takes full advantage of that. She has a well-paying job and only herself to support. Dh and I have been married for 15 years, 2 kids, own our home and have never asked them for 1 dollar. Obviously there is a lot of friction between us and dh's sister. How could there not be? Parents of grown children who keep bailing them out of their mistakes do them great harm. If they do not treat all their kids fairly in terms of $ then they are only tearing their family apart. Grudges are inevitable. It sounds like your sister has no ability to distinguish right from wrong and so will continue milking your parents if she sees they are still willing to give her money. You and your other sister have every right to speak up and remind your parents that they have 3 children not one. Are they able to give you the same amount of money? Why not? If your sister can use extra money for luxuries I'm sure you can too. Who do you think your parents will turn to for help if they go bankrupt or cannot support themselves in the future? Your sister will be nowhere to be found. Speak up because at the end of the day every dollar she wheezles out of them most certainly affects the other siblings, be it them having to support the parents or,sad to say, in terms of inheritance.
Of course she will get mad at you because only in secrecy and silence can she get away with what she is doing.

Will you be ok with your parents wanting to know how much you spend on DH's family and parents versus them? Then if your parents feel you spend more in the in laws you would have to give your parents more money to make up for it?

I never understand why adults think their parents owe them the same money that is given to siblings. Yes it may suck when someone gets more than you but it is not your money! In fact, your parents could die and legally leave everything to the other sibilings.

If your parents then need your help, that is your decision to make whether to help them.

 

[MEM]

My DSis is also a disaster with money. She and her Ex both made great money and had no childcare expenses because my parents took care of their 2 girls for free. They could have paid off their mortgage several times over, yet my Ex-brother-in-law knew soooooooooo much (not!) about investing that he used their house as an ATM. By the time he left DSis for another woman, they had a $240K mortgage on a house assessed at $165K (that they paid $87K for). DSis stopped paying the mortgage, so sure that her Ex would step in and pay half - he never did. She managed to live there for 3 years without paying a cent towards the mortgage. Did she manage to save any money? No, and the house was auctioned off at a sheriff's sale. DSis now lives with our Mom and has talked our Mom into making "improvements" to the house to suit her and her children. I am certain that when our Mom dies, DSis will get the house and the cycle will begin all over again. Mom knows DSis is a disaster with money but she feels sorry for her. There is nothing I can do except reassure my mother that she will never be homeless as long as I am alive.

 

[Marionnette]

Will you be ok with your parents wanting to know how much you spend on DH's family and parents versus them? Then if your parents feel you spend more in the in laws you would have to give your parents more money to make up for it?

I never understand why adults think their parents owe them the same money that is given to siblings. Yes it may suck when someone gets more than you but it is not your money! In fact, your parents could die and legally leave everything to the other sibilings.

If your parents then need your help, that is your decision to make whether to help them.

^^ THIS!

I really can't wrap my head around the idea that a parent's money MUST be evenly distributed among their offspring. Or that their kids are entitled to any of it at all! Really, unless the parents are failing mentally, there is no reason for an adult child to interfere with the parent's financial decisions. If my mom and dad want to give every last red cent to the two deadbeat brothers and cut the others out of the will entirely, I see it as their attempt to make sure that the deadbeats aren't homeless and starving. I didn't earn that money, I have no right to determine where it goes. And if mom or dad or both of them end up without a penny and need some place to stay, my door is wide open. As are the doors of the other 4 solvent sibs. There would be a huge fight over who gets to keep Grandma! (or Grandpa)

 

[C.Ann]

Not singling you out, PP, but this comment has been made multiple times as to why I am upset.

I'm upset because I don't want my parents sucked into giving my sister more money that they don't have to give her. They love my sister and will give them more money if this blows up in their face. I want my parents to concentrate on their future, not my sister's bad decisions.

I've never borrowed money from my parents, and if I did, I would never be able to accept debt forgiveness and then turn around and spend 3-4 times that money on a horse for my child. That debt to my parents would be the most important debt I could pay off.

I just feel like my parents got "taken" by my sister. And I can't help but resent her for it when I hear my mom worrying about her financial future.

Just as you can't (and shouldn't) attempt to control the actions of your sister and her DH (they're both adults), the same holds true for your parents.. They too are adults and regardless of whether you agree with their decisions, it's not your place to interfere..

The resentment I can understand - to a degree - but other than that, the only thing you can do is back away from everything and anything financial - regarding your sister & her family and/or your parents.. Decisions are being made that aren't the best, but it's their decisions to make..

Don't spend the next 5, 10, 15, 20 years worrying about what "might" happen.. All of these people are mentally competent and have free will..

Concentrate on taking care of your own immediate family - and just say an extra prayer every night that everything works out well for everyone else in the end..