What to do when jealousy rears its ugly head

[HARVEYSGIRL]

My son Manny is 8 and autistic. He is can count to ten and write his first name. That is all. He has very limited ,hard to understand speech. He has alot of seizures and requires constant attention. My oldest son is fine with it But my daughter is just mean. She is 9 and thinks that the entire world is against her. I can't make her happy. She is so jealous of Manny she can't see straight. It has gotten terrible. She picks on him just to make him upset (the last thing I need) and she is always saying that we love him more. Which is not true! I don't know what to do. I try to make her feel special. I work 2 jobs and I do all that I can. I am exhausted and desperately in need of advice.

 

[1stluvispooh]

Sorry no real advice just a hug Your DD sound like a typical middle child. Or I should say she sounds like my sister. Can you do something just you two girls? That might help a little but I know it's hard.

 

[Libbyt]

I was going to suggest just what 1stLuv said! I am a facilitator for a parenting curriculum and our number one recommendation for any parent trying to improve their relationship with their child is to spend special time together every day. It can be short - 10-15 minutes - it can be in the car, when you are tucking her in, when you're cooking supper together. It's a time when you can just "be together" and talk and maybe do a fun activity - something she likes, like video games, artwork, working a puzzle. No fussing or talk about behavior, school grades, chores, etc. Just get to know each other as 2 people. Make the time - you'll be so glad you did!!! As she gets a little older, you can do longer time periods less frequently, and you'll transition to shopping, talking about boys, doing hair/nails, etc. - more grown up stuff. Start small, but be consistent. She may resist at first!! But keep at it and it WILL work - don't beat her over the head with it if she doesn't want to do it, just be subtle.

 

[kirbydog48]

I'm sure she has a lot of feelings about having a sibling with autism. Would it make sense to have her see a therapist, someone who is just there to listen and process all of her complex feelings?

 

[teachallday]

It is very tough raising a child with a disability and it is also tough being a sibling of a child with a disability. The only program (curriculum) designed to help the siblings that I know of is called, Sibshops.

I would do a search on Amazon for Sibshops. There are many books out there about the program, and there are also other books addressing the issues involved with having a sibling with disabilities.

If you could find a Sibshops program in your area that would be helpful. Your local ARC might be able to give you information about a local Sibshops program. www.thearc.org

I wish you luck , just remember that your daughters feelings are real. They may be based upon inappropriate interpretations, but to her they are very real. Don't dismiss the feelings, just try to help her understand that your son is different and that you love them both. Also remember that your daughter needs to be a kid. One struggle a lot of kids with siblings who have disabilities face, is being asked to do more and help out. Just think about how you would feel if you at age 9 wanted to play with your dollies but couldn't because of a sibling (one only a year younger than you). At that age a child knows someone a year younger shouldn't be acting/behaving like a "baby", but they really only see how they are treated different than the sibling, not how the sibling is different than them.

Again, good luck. You have a group of friends here to lean on.

 

[Libbyt]

Ooh, good thought about Sibshops - they are excellent! One organization that does them here in NC is Family Support Network - you may have something similar in your area. If not, get the materials and organize some other parents to put one on!!

 

[disneymami]

I have twin girls, age 8, one has autism. The typical one sometimes gets jealous of her twin. She says she gets so much attention, more gifts, more places to go but the reality is that a child with autism has to work twice or maybe three times harder just to keep up with typical children. So I found a video that targets siblings - http://www.coultervideo.com/ - they have a nice DVD that talks right to the sibling about what he must be feeling, thoughts of jealousy or just not being able to understand why autism has to be. I think it did a good job on my DD trying to maker her understand that her sister can't help herself with her autism. That she was born with it and that she will always have it. And that myself and DH love you both the same.
I hope that was helpful.