What to do about unexpected guests!?!

[RitaZ.]

Unexpected guests are one of my worst pet peeves. I mean, at least give me an hour to get the mud mask off my face and scoop the cat box.

OP, I'll be honest with you. The only time that I'm annoyed with family and friends that show up with little notice or totally unexpected is when I don't enjoy their company. My mom and my brothers (all the close family I have) can show up at my house whenever they want. However, they've never done it. We have had out-of-state friends that showed up totally unexpected and we were pleasantly surprised by their visit. They didn't want to stay in our house, they just wanted to see us and we were genuinely happy to see them.

Now, when it's someone that I don't like, I come up with all kinds of excuses. I try to hide my true feelings , but it's literally painful for me to spend time with them. I've done it because it is important to DH to have his sister and certain friends visit. So, I just grin and bear it for him.

Just invite them to join you and your family in some of the activities, if you wish. Do mention that you do have prior commitments that you can't cancel. If it's important to your DH to see his bother and family, then just do it. JMO.

 

[MikeS.]

Family comes first.

Other then the 100 year old birthday party, to which I'd bring them, I'd cancel. Well ok, so work the carnival but bring them too. I'm sure they can drop some bucks for the cause. Reschedule the dentist

Have the blood relative, your husband? Drop a polite hint, next time gives us some more warning. Or something like that.

We all have a limited amount of time on this world. We should share as much as possible with family and friends.

 

[shortbun]

Hmmm. They told you 5 days prior and are staying at a hotel. I think you are lucky they didn't drop in on Friday unexpectedly and announced they were staying with you, lol! Yeah,I'd cancel some of my stuff and do some of it. I'd order pizza Friday night or I guess sloppy joes would work. Don't worry about the food, just spend some quality time with them.

 

[LiLIrishChick63]

ugh, doesn't that drive you nuts!?!?

DH2B and i did an engagement party a few months after we got engaged and we sent out invites and told everyong ahead of time "if you're bringing someone with you, please let us know" because we only had enough food for so many people, and the venue could only HOLD so many people. so what does DH2B's two friends do that he invites?? yeah, they bring dates and don't even tell us. so now we've got 2 extra people to feed and sit, and i had no idea how to manage that. they could have even told us a few days ahead of time, we could have called the food place and just added two people on. in the end we had to give smaller portions to everyone and set up another table crammed in the corner. i gave them a good talking-to afterwards.

 

[hentob]

Family comes first.

Other then the 100 year old birthday party, to which I'd bring them, I'd cancel.

I have to disagree. I would never bring another person (let alone SEVEN!) to a party uninvited. Not good manners.

Family comes first is a nice concept, but being taken advantage of is not a nice feeling. You have got to be pretty self-centered to decide you are going to load your five children to go visit Aunt Snowflake and not even ask if Aunt Snowflake has plans

 

[ducklite]

I have to disagree. I would never bring another person (let alone SEVEN!) to a party uninvited. Not good manners.
Family comes first is a nice concept, but being taken advantage of is not a nice feeling. You have got to be pretty self-centered to decide you are going to load your five children to go visit Aunt Snowflake and not even ask if Aunt Snowflake has plans

I was just about to post the same thing.

Anne

 

[meandtheguys2]

I love having guests, especially family. Surely they could go to the school carnival, couldn't they? Then have dinner that evening out. And spend Sunday with the hubby and the kids?

 

[mom2boys]

Very inconsiderate.

Don't change your plans. Let them know your schedule. Let them know they are welcome to come to the carnival that you & the kids are working.

I know it is throwing a wrench in your plans, try not to let it cloud the entire weekend. Enjoy whatever time you can spend with them.

An 11:00 dentist appointment & picking up a cookie order between 3 & 5 don't sound like they preclude you from making sloppy joes & spending the evening with them. Take a step back and take a deep breath. You can find some time for them but they have to understand that you have committments. Just invite them along whenever possible - can they come to the 100 yr old's birthday party?

BTW I'm not bashing you. I would have the exact same reaction. Just take a step back & work them in where you can. I would need to remind myself to be pleasant & not let my resentment show.

 

[hentob]

Just invite them along whenever possible - can they come to the 100 yr old's birthday party?

Again, this is just weird This is a woman's birthday party. Why would it be an OPTION to show up with SEVEN strangers? I wouldn't even ask the host if I could bring additional people. It puts them in a bad position.

This is nothing against you, mom2boys. I know you are just giving suggestions. I am just appalled that a family would even consider a 10 hour journey without consulting the family that they are visiting for the weekend. I mean, they booked their hotel 2 weeks ago and didn't even have the courtesy to ask if Snowflake was busy? Imagine the conversation::

"Sweetie, I think I want to load up the five children and drive 10 hours to brother's house. Book the hotel. No. Don't ask them if they are busy. Our plans are more important than theirs. We're more important than them. This is when we want to come, we don't have to ask them. They will re-arrange their schedule."

 

[FinallyBoughtDVC]

I can so relate - my dh and I both have jobs in which working weekends are a must (and nearly impossible to miss).

We need to know weeks, if not months, out if there is any type of event on a weekend, and even then, we oftentimes can't take off (he's car business - I'm retail store).

If this were me, I'd make time to have dinner with them one evening - or maybe an early brunch on Sunday (if my dh has that Sunday off) - but otherwise, there's no way I'd be able to make it work.

I love my family - and we manage to spend oodles of time with all our extended family. But, we all makes plans in advance to make sure it works.

The OPs BIL is being incredibly rude, to put it bluntly. If this family can't make it work, they should have and feel no guilt at all, IMHO. I agree with the person who posted that they should meet at a restaurant on the Friday night and leave it at that. If it were my family, that is all we'd be able to offer on such short notice.

 

[Tybug]

This is just great. My bil, his wife and 5 kids are coming to visit and didn't tell us until this evening.

They are arriving on Friday afternoon and leaving Monday evening.

They are staying at a hotel which will help. They had it booked 2 weeks ago, but they didn't tell us until tonight.

We haven't seen them in a couple of years. They are driving over 10 hours to get here.

Since our 8 tires were slashed, DH is working from 6am to 4pm on this coming Saturday.
My sons and I have already agreed to volunteer for a carnival on Saturday from 10am to 2pm.

On Sunday I already RSVP'd to help host a luncheon for a woman turning 100. DH will be here though.

Where are we going to fit in time to visit with bil and family? According to DH, his brother was planning on hanging out with us all weekend. BIL does not understand why we can't just cancel things since family is more important than "things".

BIL thinks he's going to eat at our house on Friday, so I guess I'll make sloppy joes. I have a dental appointment at 11am, and then the school is getting cookie dough fundraisers in for parents to pick up from 3pm to 5pm. No one will be here until 5pm on Friday when DH gets home from work.

They aren't leaving until Monday early evening, but our kids have school that Monday, and DH has work.

I'm not sure where on the east coast you live but could it be possible they chose a vacation spot that would be fun AND they could visit family as well? Where we live it happens all the time. Family make plans to come here to vacation and then about a week or so before they come they will call. Not that they want your undivided attention for 4 days but more like, "hey! We're going to be in your neck of the woods from X to Y... can we come see you?" They aren't planning to stay with you so it makes me feel like it was killing two birds with one stone kind of thing.

Since they aren't staying with you, you shouldn't feel the need to entertain them for 4 straight days. Would I move my schedule around? Um, Heck yeah! They are family and it's not like they just dropped by unannounced and oh, we're going to stay with you!(have had that happen...).

If they have a 10 hour drive and are arriving on Friday... that will not interfere with the dental appt. If they are arriving on Thursday, then there's an hour or two they would have to be on their own. And picking up cookie dough will not take 2 hours, more like 10 mins.(unless of course you are in charge of that... in which case... another 2 hour window they are on their own) The carnival on Sat. is no big deal... tell them where you have to be and then let them decide if they want to go as well. The luncheon on Sun, same deal... except tell them where you will be and suggest some fun things to do around town.

Furthermore, I agree with the BIL and the poor poster that was flamed for his/her opinion. Family first, because in the end what do you have?

 

[FinallyBoughtDVC]

And then...(sorry, thought of this after I posted)...

The OP is expected to cover the expense of feeding SEVEN PEOPLE!!!!!!! At the last moment!!!

Nah...I don't think so.

I have a phrase for incosiderate clods like the OP's BIL - but I know I'd get a point or two from the DIS if I used it here.

 

[Poppinsme]

How close is DH to his brother? I think they should see each other if thats what your DH wants. I would give anything to see my brothers. But my brothers are dead. Time can go by so quickly and is it that horrible to make time for your DHs brother? My SIL dropped by once on her way to California from Florida. She stayed 2 days and my DH was thrilled because he hadn't seen her in 3 years (she was in the Navy). We both called in sick at our jobs to spend time with her and I have never regretted it. I never thought it was rude to drop in on us. Dear SIL is a little scattered anyway.
Hope it works out for all.

 

[meandtheguys2]

I think that i would just assume that there had been a miscommunication, and do my best to enjoy everyone. Perhaps she thought he had called, and visa versa. My brother isn't very good at those kind of details, and I could easily see him doing that!

The best part...cousining! I love seeing my kids and their cousins with free time to get to know one another, and have fun. I figure that this bonding is what will keep our families tied when we are dead and gone.

 

[Tybug]

And then...(sorry, thought of this after I posted)...

The OP is expected to cover the expense of feeding SEVEN PEOPLE!!!!!!! At the last moment!!!

Nah...I don't think so.

I have a phrase for incosiderate clods like the OP's BIL - but I know I'd get a point or two from the DIS if I used it here.

Oh, that's really no big deal! Pizza is super easy and sloppy joes aren't much more difficult. The OP didn't say the BIL was going to make her pay the entire cost to cover it. That's just assuming and you know what they say about that...

 

[Beth76]

Furthermore, I agree with the BIL and the poor poster that was flamed for his/her opinion. Family first, because in the end what do you have?

You agree that it's ok to just tell someone that you're coming to their house in a few days and expect them to entertain you? Expect them to drop everything? Again I ask what if the OP had out of town plans? Should she be expected to cancel those too? All because it's family? BIL certainly isn't treating the OP as family. More like free entertainment. Family should sit down and work out a time that works for everyone. One thing I hate worse than rude people is people who cater to them.

 

[Nancyg56]

Either way give them your regrets, saying you wish they'd let you know sooner so you could have had more time to spend with them. Family or not, they really need to ask if you're available and try to time their visit so it's convenient to everyone involved.

Exactly! I think that it is presumptuous to expect that relatives can rearrange their lives to suit plans that you made, but cannot even call ahead of time to make sure that the visit convenient. I agree that family is important but courtesy is also a priority if you really want time with the family.

 

[Tybug]

You agree that it's ok to just tell someone that you're coming to their house in a few days and expect them to entertain you? Expect them to drop everything? Again I ask what if the OP had out of town plans? Should she be expected to cancel those too? All because it's family? BIL certainly isn't treating the OP as family. More like free entertainment. Family should sit down and work out a time that works for everyone. One thing I hate worse than rude people is people who cater to them.

If that's how you view what is happening, then I guess so. It's not like they invited them into their home to stay for 4 continuous days. If you would like to reread the beginning of my post you will see how I view their visit. "If" it is the scenario I described above then absolutely!

Go ahead, ask again.

"Again I ask what if the OP had out of town plans? Should she be expected to cancel those too?"

I never answered that, mainly because that is not the case. Want me to answer? Fine, if the OP was out of town then no. The answer to the BIL then would obviously be, sorry we're out of town and we will miss your visit.

The OP did not say the BIL wanted them to entertain them for 4 days. She said her DH said the BIL wanted to spend as much time with them as possible. There is a difference.

Again, please reread my original post before jumping me. I would appreciate it.

 

[Beth76]

Sorry Tybug, but whatever way you spin it, the BIL is being rude. And I don't like to be pushed around by rude people. The BIL didn't say "we'll be visiting your city for a few days, we'd like to see you if possible." They said "we're visiting you" too bad if you're busy. I don't understand why someone would plan a trip (involving a 10 hour drive no less) with the primary goal of visiting another family without consulting that family first.

And I understand that this is not the case, but I see no difference in cancelling local plans and cancelling out of town plans. The BIL certainly is putting family first--his family.

 

[Tybug]

Sorry Tybug, but whatever way you spin it, the BIL is being rude. And I don't like to be pushed around by rude people. The BIL didn't say "we'll be visiting your city for a few days, we'd like to see you if possible." They said "we're visiting you" too bad if you're busy. I don't understand why someone would plan a trip (involving a 10 hour drive no less) with the primary goal of visiting another family without consulting that family first.

And I understand that this is not the case, but I see no difference in cancelling local plans and cancelling out of town plans. The BIL certainly is putting family first--his family.

No problem Beth. We can agree to disagree, but there again... please reread my original post. I never once suggested she should alter her plans.

If they have a 10 hour drive and are arriving on Friday... that will not interfere with the dental appt. If they are arriving on Thursday, then there's an hour or two they would have to be on their own. And picking up cookie dough will not take 2 hours, more like 10 mins.(unless of course you are in charge of that... in which case... another 2 hour window they are on their own) The carnival on Sat. is no big deal... tell them where you have to be and then let them decide if they want to go as well. The luncheon on Sun, same deal... except tell them where you will be and suggest some fun things to do around town.