what to do about people who invite themselves on your vacations?

[bonita_babe232]

Well for your friend i would suggest that you tell her your sister or who ever is planning the trip and your not really in charge and as far as it go it seems she wants just family.... this is aslong as they are not friends cause then she could ask her and it would back fire. For this trip there might not be much you can do, But if you havn't gotten your hotel/airfare/tickets all that, just tell who ever wants to come, I don't have room on my cards for anything extra because i'm planning a few surprise's for the kids and with high interest rates it's gonna be hard enough to get them down right away so they will need to pay/book everything themselves. And also make it clear that you wanted some special time just you and your children so tell them there will be a few times durning the day you guys will need to split up and meet up later in the evening. Thats for this trip cause they all already know your going..... Just keep casually mentioning that you have a few surprises for your children and ask if she has any special she wants to do with her kids or by herself (if she doesn't have kids)... and maybe even offer to help her plan something that they would enjoy while you guys are busy.

For future trips depending on how your sister and all them then to react to things i would just straight out tell them, I'm sorry but i want this trip to be special for the kids and us, and i think if we went alone it would help us to make better memories. But if you think being straight forward like that would start a family war I would probley just not tell them till a week or 2 before you go say you got a good deal or just had a sudden urge to go so your hoping on a plane..... I say 2 weeks cause i doubt they would be able to find hotel/airfare and all that within 2 weeks. Then you are telling them... your just not really giving them enough notice!!

 

[50sjayne]

My sister in law wants to go now with us along with my mom in law and husband- and it would be great if they can 'swing it' during our time. They go once a year. My only problem with this is this has become less a vacation for me and more of a mission....if I'm not at the gates at least a half hour early, there will be trouble. Lol. I am just not going to be a leisurely stroll along- eat breakfast at Mimi's type at all. If it were off season-- sure-- but our dates are the last week of March- spring break. I just hope my daughter will be able to come with us, but I doubt it with school and work. She's the only one who would get up with me and bip around getting fast passes and otherwise do things in a logical manner...

 

[**Tinker*Bell*7**]

First of all, stop volunteering details. You're going to Disney. They don't need exact dates or hotel name (in most cases).

didn't tell anybody anything. sister snooped & found info. friend just invites herself to go wherever we're going every year.

As for paying her "fair share"... I'm confused. How did that become an issue? You pay for your stuff, she pays for hers. Y'all are presumably both grownups with phones and credit cards. Possibly some of the confusion about her thinking she's welcome is coming from you booking for both families. Stop that now. Book YOUR room, tickets, ADRs but if she's an unwanted tag along and a mooch, the for the love of little green apples stop encouraging her by letting her stick you with the bill!

that became an issue the first time she invited herself to wdw. we had a house rented because it was a large family trip so it was no big deal. since then we have only stayed in hotel rooms. she always just stays in our room for "convenience". also on the trip we took last year i wound up paying for her entire trip & she was going to "pay me back" which she did but it took 4 or 5 months. she's very insecure & doesn't really have any other friends. she has 1 grown daughter who doesn't have much to do with her. my friend has terrible $ problems & commutes more than an hour to work for a job that only pays $10/hr. she's stuck under mountains of debt & is always on the verge of having her lights, gas, etc. turned off. i feel sorry for her & i get stuck feeling like i can't say no to her.

Tell your sister that this trip is planned for a specific group (just your immediate family, adults only, sorority sisters, left-handed redheads, whatever)

LOL. I am a left-handed redhead. the problem is that my mother is coming on this trip & my sister can't stand it when we do anything together. even if we do manage to get off without her, she will call 500 times a day for no reason at all other than to bother us. and mom won't go off without her phone or refuse to answer it "in case of emergency."

 

[Shawn]

Hi TinkerBelle7,

I feel for you. I also understand the friendship thing going. But be firm. Do not allow someone else to invite themselves into your room! Friendship is a two way street.

I also have friends who severely under-estimate (by 50% or more) how much things cost. Possibly on purpose, or possibly because they clueless, I don't know. Case in point, I took him and his wife out to dinner for a treat at a new 'Fusions' restaurant they were dying to go to. No big deal, they do stuff for me also. They brought along their 3 year old son and ordered for him also. He was very well behaved I must say. He thought the bill would be about $60 or so, and it came to $180. I paid it and learned a lesson. No more fancy restaurants when I'm treating, because they go hog wild.

Part of the issue is that he is a miser when it comes to money. IE. he would *not* tip, or would possibly, and very begrudgingly, leave up to a $5 tip on a meal that came to $150. He also always forgets to calculate in tax when he estimates how much things cost. And he has a knack of getting food for his kids for free. But I am not a haggler, as it just ruins the evening for me, and I believe in tipping.

I would *never* go to Disneyland with this family, even though they are very good friends. They are great for barbecues, or going to the movies, or going camping -- but never on a vacation to Disneyland.. He would have a heart attack at the thought of dropping $1000 for a week at DL, let alone the $2500 - 40000 or so it would really cost for a family.

OK, enough of that. The point is, I guess, that you learn your lessons from your friends. You keep them as friends, but adjust what you do with them, where you go etc. to accomodate their financial stinginess.

The other thing that I keyed in on when reading this thread, is that yes, smaller numbers can be better when going to Disneyland. Either that, or you go with a Disney pro (like those of us on this thread). Going with a group that expects to do things as a group all day long is just ridiculous and is a sure way to ruin the trip. It can't happen. There will be endless waiting for one person to get ready, or to meet somewhere, or to discuss what to do next. Augghh!

If your friends do travel at the same time as you, then something like agreeing on where to meet for dinner each day would be workable. Or lunch, or a specific showing of Aladdin at DCA (do they still have that there?), but planning to meet more than once a day, or to spend the days together is crazy.

Even within our family (me, my wife, and two daughters who still go -- the other is 22) we have to split up to enjoy the trip. IE. at 6:00 I'm awake anyway, whether I'm at DL or not. My 11 year old daughter is the same way. But my 12 year old is like my wife, and likes to sleep til noon on vacation. At DL, they will get up at 9:30 - 10:00. SO, it would ruin my morning to wake them up, and their morning to have to get up early. So, I leave for the park with my 11 year so we can get in as soon as the doors open, and leave the other two to sleep. They are welcome to go to the park when they feel like it. Generally we meet back at the hotel sometime in the afternoon, and then enjoy the park as a family unit of four in the evening hours.

If you have friends who understand what I'm talkiong about here (flexbility in enjoying Disneyland) then it could be fun with them. But if the friends think that taking a vacation together means doing everything together, then they need to be informed.

BTW, we took our first trip to WDW last December. We enjoyed it, and will go back in future years. BUT, our entire family agreed that we enjoy little 'ol Disnelyand better. A big part of it is that the smallness of it fits how we visit the park mentioned just above. We stay on-site, and can walk or take the monorail to get to the two parks. (And I'm one of the few it seems who really likes DCA). When you can get to the park in 12 minutes by walking or taking the monorail, and don't need a car -- versus the buses or cars required at WDW, it makes a huge difference. We frequently travel between the hotel and the parks three or more times a day.

I do enjoy the boat-link from VWL to the Magic Kingdom though. That was sweet.

Way off topic, end of ramblling....

-shawn

 

[Handbag Lady]

People can only take advantage of you if you let them.

Plan your trip. Tell whomever you want. The second they start adding themselves, tell them no.

You don't even have to give a reason. If pressed, show then your first post here.

I can't believe the person who is adding themselves to your trip and not paying. WHAT? Send them a bill.

 

[Brady's Mom]

We went with a big group in March. We did a lot of standing around and asking each other what do you want to do??? Consequently, we missed a lot of stuff and it drove DH and me crazy!! But, we also split up and did individual stuff, too. It wasn't as bad as some of the PP's because everyone paid their own way, but the unorganized part was bad.

We are going with almost the same big group in Dec. and I already have a basic plan. And the attitude of "this is what we are going to do, if you want to follow our plan, great, if you don't, meet us later!" Then, we get to see everything we want and don't miss anything important, and still maintain friendships and family relationships. Otherwise, too much standing around with our thumbs in our "ear" trying to decide what to do.

Good luck with your family and friend. Do you have someone who could be the "heavy" and tell your friend or family that they weren't invited? My DH is really willing to do this for me, because he knows it's hard for me and he doesn't care if people blame him for hurt feelings!!

 

[**Tinker*Bell*7**]

i feel like this is not going to be a problem this time as i don't see how my sister can possibly come up with the money. she and her husband are both unemployed at the moment & i checked the airfare for the flights we're on. it would be about $1700 RT for them & their kids to fly out. it's less than 3 months until we go so that's a lot of $$$ to come up with plus they need tickets, hotel room, etc. Since it's cross country driving is going to be out for them too as they don't have a reliable vehicle & it would take them 4-5 days to get there and back plus gas $$$$$$ is OUTRAGEOUS. i'm pretty sure that nobody extra is going to actually go on this trip but i just wanted to vent about the unwanted intrusions & see if anybody had any advice. thanks everybody.

 

[Disney 'Ohana]

I agree with the others on not telling anyone.

We keep our trips a secret, even from our kids.

 

[kaoden39]

Been there, done that. Have the bumper sticker, the button pin, and the t-shirt. Every trip I plan we always bring my Mom, now I normallydon't mind but last trip she didn't go to the parks with us and would only do half days. The only rides she will ride on are like SW, POTC, HM, and very few others. She sits the ride out and expects me to do so also to keep her company. Now DH and I have a planned second honeymoon coming in September, and she is supposed to watch the kids. Today she asked me to check to see how much it would be for us to take everyone on our second honeymoon. Um we took her, my Dad, my nephew who was 12and my 5 year old niece on our first honeymoon. No this one is ours and I told her so today. But I am normally the sucker and whatever family member wants to tag along I usually end up footing the bill, the whole thing. No more well at least not this trip.

 

[makthompson]

one that worked for me was......I called to check availability because it's soo close to time to go and they are all sold out....BUMMER

 

[Amy&Dan]

Tinkerbell7: I feel for you! We all have people in our lives that we love and want to help and spend time with and yet at times it gets to be too much. It sounds like where your sister is concerned, the high airfare will take care of that problem for you.

As for the friend, just say you would love to have her come along, but that you just can't share a room. Blame it on a firecode, your spouse or whatever it takes. One hotel room is hard enough for immeidate family, if I had to add a friend to that mix, I'd need to be medicated to survive that.

I agree, maybe just keep it mum about your next trips. I know I have gotten much more careful about upcoming trip plans to Disney in particular because often other family members want to join us. Which is very fun, yet at times, lets face it, we all need our time with just our immediate family. I also agree with Shawn that Disney vacations don't always lend themselves to shared experiences. Everyone has their way of doing things once in the parks, its very hard to combine all of that into one experience everyone can equally enjoy. Even with the same immediate family, never mind extended family members and friends.

I hope nobody manages to scrape up the money to come with you, if they do, in the end, you can't give or share anything you don't allow yourself to. I like the idea of telling anyone who suddenly calls with the "we're coming too" for you to say right back: "great, what night do you want to meet for dinner?". I know its tough, its taken me 10 plus trips to DL to finally get this one down pat with my fil who lives close by, never has money (yeah right) and has come along for many a meal and days in the park, all paid for by me and my husband. Those days are over, too bad, so sad my wallet is not endless where he is concerned anymore. It was a lot easier than I thought it would be.

Have a great trip! As you can tell, many of us feel for you and can very much relate to what you are going through.

 

[Wavy Blue]

I almost had something like this happen to me. My and two of my other friends are planning on going to DL in just a few weeks. We have another friend that we thought about inviting as well, but we were sure she wouldn't have the funds to go and we've had bad traveling experiences with her in the past. However, one of the two I'm going with took the initiative to tell our other friend because she was afraid she would be offended we didn't tell her we were going. So our other friend guilted in that friend to inviting her. When we were buying plane tickets we made our other friend tell us whether or not she was going, and she tearfully told us her parents said no because they couldn't afford it. So the three of us went on buying our tickets. While in the middle of the process, the other friend called us back and said she could go now...which was VERY frustrating! We told her since we were already in the process of purchasing our tickets she would have to get her own, and also she would have to get her own DL ticket.

And then lo and behold a few days later, in casual passing, she mentions that she can't go anymore. After we had begun making rooming arrangements that she could! She didn't even officially tell us, she just happened to mention it. Argh, I hate how inconsiderate people can be to the plans of your trip! I understand your pain, but at least she isn't ending up going with us. I'm quite glad of that.

 

[mt mommy]

Do people NOT understand BOUNDARIES!!! Hellooooooo!

I feel all of your pain.......Been here, done that!! I wish some people would understand common courtesy.

I have had to rearrange OUR plans for someone wanting to come last minute!

I DON'T GET IT!!

My advice, be upfront and HONEST.....Say, "we need time alone with our OWN FAMILY................THank you!!"

In the long run you'll be happy you did!!!!

 

[Sy-]

My FIL suggested that we take along our SIL for the DL portion of our upcoming trip. I have no problem doing that because it will only cost me a $180 to add a park hopper and 35,000 United miles. But she is going to have to earn her trip . My DW and I have already planned a night to have dinner at Napa Rose durring which SIL will be babysitting my DD(4) and DS(2) back in the hotel room! SIL also knows that she gets to help watch the kids while in the park too. Having more eyes to watch a 4 & 2 year old can't hurt! I say if ya gotta gring em... make em work!!!

 

[kaoden39]

My FIL suggested that we take along our SIL for the DL portion of our upcoming trip. I have no problem doing that because it will only cost me a $180 to add a park hopper and 35,000 United miles. But she is going to have to earn her trip . My DW and I have already planned a night to have dinner at Napa Rose durring which SIL will be babysitting my DD(4) and DS(2) back in the hotel room! SIL also knows that she gets to help watch the kids while in the park too. Having more eyes to watch a 4 & 2 year old can't hurt! I say if ya gotta gring em... make em work!!!

Be sure and fill them up with lots of caffeine and sugar before hand.

 

[tksbaskets]

I believe honesty is the best policy too. "I've planned this vacation for my family, maybe in the future we can plan one together" Doesn't EVER have to happen.

We went on a Disney cruise a couple of years ago and friends decided to join us. We met up for dinner each night but other than that planned what our individual families wanted to do and if the plans were the same went together. NO way did I fork out for their vacation. We had a very good time together.

Lots of good advise on this thread!
TK

 

[wowsmom]

I would stop telling people you are going and just sneak away without anyone knowing. Or tell them you are vacationing in Tubac, Arizona this year. That should keep them from wanting to join you.

DangerMouse, this had me LOL. My DH just got back from 10 days in Tubac and Nogales for work. He was there for 2 weeks in May as well. I went along a few years ago when he had to go. There was nothing to do there...nothing. Even the pool at our hotel kept breaking! The only good part was discovering Old Presidio Traders and their huge selection of Zuni fetishes.

OP, I can relate to what you are dealing with. I have a sister who used to invite herself to visit us and also invited herself along on a vacation with us. She invited herself to visit when I was 7 months pregnant and also had a 3 year old and then was highly offended that my house hadn't been cleaned top to bottom.

The hard part about telling them no is then they make you feel guilty - or get mad at you. Somewhere along the line, I decided I was fine with her getting mad at me and started telling her no. Life has been much more pleasant since then (especially when she doesn't call for months on end).

 

[jlparedes]

So, I am one of those straight forward types of people and my DH is not. I specifically told him I didn't want to go with anyone else on this trip. We went to Kauai in March with 10 family members and I swore I would never do that again. My MIL tried to invite herself on our trip in October. DH told her we were going and she said "Oh me and your dad should go too". And before I could say anything, DH said "No, we're just going alone as a family this time. You guys can catch the next Disney trip.". YAY DH! I loved him just a little more than normal at that moment haha.

 

[mt mommy]

So, I am one of those straight forward types of people and my DH is not. I specifically told him I didn't want to go with anyone else on this trip. We went to Kauai in March with 10 family members and I swore I would never do that again. My MIL tried to invite herself on our trip in October. DH told her we were going and she said "Oh me and your dad should go too". And before I could say anything, DH said "No, we're just going alone as a family this time. You guys can catch the next Disney trip.". YAY DH! I loved him just a little more than normal at that moment haha.

Good for him!! We're living and learning in our family. We "USED" to think the more the merrier, now I think I'm getting less patient. SO, now I try to be more straight forward and do what you DH did! It's saved lots of headaches in the end!

 

[JzeroT1437]

This may sound strange, but I was planning a solo trip to DLR for a few days after July 4th and this friend of mine invited herself along. I suppose most people would prefer to have somebody along with them, but there are specific people I like to travel with (IE friends who won't follow me around like lost puppies or slow me down) and people who I don't (the opposite). She's one of the ones I don't.

Luckily I got mono and had to delay the trip. Now she's not going.

My advice: Get mono.