What to do about adult child who won't grow up?

[jenrose66]

I apologize in advance as this will be long.

My brother is 25 years old. He still lives at home with my mom and she does everything for him. It's just the two of them in the house as my parents have been divorced for the past 21 years.

Anyway my mom talks about how she'd like my brother to get a place of his own and be more responsible. Currently he works part time at a pizzeria...a job he's had since he was 16. He has no saving or checking account in his name, no credit card, even his car is in my mom's name and on my mom's insurance.

In his free time he watches sports on tv and plays video games. He works nights and many nights after work he'll go to his friend's houses until 3 or 4 am and then come home and sleep well into the afternoon. My mom buys all the food and does his laundry. She also always fronts him money. She keeps a tab and pays all his bills (car ins, health ins, money for games, gas, etc...) and he just gives her a few hundred dollars a month...not nearly enough to cover what he borrows.

I told her she needs to cut him off completely. She should just let him know she refuses to give him any more money or do any more of his chores and he needs to open a checking account and credit card and start taking care of his living expenses. I told her she should open his eyes to the real world and kick him out of the house....but she says she'd never kick him out of the house....I mean I guess that's heartless but he needs to grow up. I told my mom that if she has an untimely passing that I will not be taking care of my brother and if she's worried about his well being she needs to give him some tough love right now.

It's insane the amount of enabling that went on with this kid. She paid for 3 years of college (at a 2 year community college which he flunked out of and has no degree to show for it)....she gave him 2 cars and when he mistreated them and the repair bills got high she just bought him a new 2010 cobalt. I should mention that I did not get this treatment, I paid for my college degree on my own and she wouldn't even let me borrow her car, let alone buy me one. After my first DS was born and me and DH got in a bit of a financial pinch she wouldn't even help us...which I guess if fine because we're doing quite alright...I just don't understand the double standard with that.

Anyway, anyone have any advice or experience with this. She complains to me constantly about this and I'm tired of hearing about it.

 

[Took]

I hate to say this, since I would like to be able to give you some comfort, but until your mom decides to take action, there is nothing you can do. Please, don't beat yourself up over it or lose too much sleep about it. Clearly, your mom "wants" to have your brother in the house (unless you think she's being threatened by him?); maybe, it makes her feel needed or gives her some security.

In any case, you've already laid out the facts to her, but she doesn't want to deal with them. It's her life, her home, and her money. If she wants to be a fool (and I think she is being one), you'll have to let her. Whether you maintain close contact with her or your brother is up to you.

Took

 

[jenrose66]

I hate to say this, since I would like to be able to give you some comfort, but until your mom decides to take action, there is nothing you can do. Please, don't beat yourself up over it or lose too much sleep about it. Clearly, your mom "wants" to have your brother in the house (unless you think she's being threatened by him?); maybe, it makes her feel needed or gives her some security.

In any case, you've already laid out the facts to her, but she doesn't want to deal with them. It's her life, her home, and her money. If she wants to be a fool (and I think she is being one), you'll have to let her. Whether you maintain close contact with her or your brother is up to you.

Took

I agree with you and this is not causing a rift in the family at all. I love my mom and my brother. We literally live a 2 minute drive away from each other. I'm just reflecting because she was talking to me after I got home from work today and she was complaining about how she wishes my brother would just take responsibility for himself. She just has twisted logic...like she just got him the car in January. She thought it would teach him responsiblity because maybe he'd take some pride in a new vehicle and would learn to be more careful with his cars...and maybe that would roll over in to other areas of his life...which is completely backwards to me

I mean, I guess I can care less what she does to an extent, it's just that she talks to me about it all the time and I don't know what she wants me to do about it and I give her my opinion(which she asks for) then she just dismisses me anyway

 

[sue1013]

Your Mom enables him. Next time she complains to you tell her he will change when she does and you don't want to hear it. The situation is probably not going to change so you need to stop letting her aggrivate you. Can you tell I've btdt.

 

[DMickey28]

Are you sure you are not my DH's long lost sister and speaking about my BIL?

I wish I had advice for you but my MIL and BIL are in the exact same boat. Pathetic honestly .... He's the baby, 10 years younger than DH and she's not ready to let him go.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I agree with you and this is not causing a rift in the family at all. I love my mom and my brother. We literally live a 2 minute drive away from each other. I'm just reflecting because she was talking to me after I got home from work today and she was complaining about how she wishes my brother would just take responsibility for himself. She just has twisted logic...like she just got him the car in January. She thought it would teach him responsiblity because maybe he'd take some pride in a new vehicle and would learn to be more careful with his cars...and maybe that would roll over in to other areas of his life...which is completely backwards to me

I mean, I guess I can care less what she does to an extent, it's just that she talks to me about it all the time and I don't know what she wants me to do about it and I give her my opinion(which she asks for) then she just dismisses me anyway

When she asks your opinion say, I don't know, what do you think you should do and then say nothing.

All she is doing is venting and treating you like a "garbage can". She vents to you , so she feels better.

You are enabling her by allowing her to "vent".

Now you could get mean and speak the truth if you want. My sister and I do that to my mother. She doesn't ask our opinion anymore.

 

[terri01p]

 

[chloelovesdisney]

I'm sorry to tell you, this is a lost cause. Been there, done that, he will always be the baby and mom likes it that way no matter how she protests. He needs her, she needs to be needed, etc.. If he's not working towards a better career, he'll never make enough to support himself much less a family at the local pizza place. That job is meant for a teenager not a grown man. Don't let the frustration get to you, there's nothing that can be done unless your mom wants to change and chances are, she doesn't as evidenced by her continuing to allow him to live with her, giving him money, paying his bills and buying him a car.

Be happy that you are successful in life and hopefully one day he will wake up and make some big changes!

 

[dancin Disney style]

I totally agree with everything stated. Sounds to me like they are both using each other...brother for money/food/home etc. and mom maybe doesn't want to be alone. There could be a whole variety of reasons that your mom is not even aware of. You can't change other people and you can't save them from themselves.


It's a tough spot to be in. I can totally relate to the frustration. The way I see it and live it is this way...you have two choices 1.take it or 2.walk away.

 

[Wishing on a star]

To be honest, it sounds like like a really co-dependent situation.
In some way, your mother wants him there.

In any case, nothing you can do...
Accept that right now, and give yourself total freedom from any part in the situation. There really is nothing you can do.

If you 'push' your mom to do what she needs to do (push your brother out of the nest) There will be nothing but negativity to come of it. You will end up being the bad guy.....

when your mom vents, just sit and nod in agreement, cause you know that your brother should not be there. But, as far as letting it bother you... Letting it come between you and your mother... Saying one word.... Probably not a good idea.

 

[hereyago]

I feel ya. DM was a lot like your brother and actually at 76 still is because everyone enabled her in one form or another.

Tell your DM you don't want to hear about your brother.

You mentioned if your DM passes away, but say your DM has a serious health issue, doubt bro would take care of her.

 

[pearlieq]

There is nothing you can do. This is between your mom and your brother. Unless you suspect abuse, stay out of it. Anything you do or say will just cause frustration and resentment for both of you.

By the same token, you should not be forced to listen to her talk about it all the time and you don't need to play therapist. You are well within your rights to say that you'd rather not discuss it anymore.

The next time she brings it up, you can say "Mom, I know you're upset about the situation with Mike. I feel like I've offered you all of the ideas and advice I can. Talking about it frustrates me, so I'd like to talk about something else now."

You will need to repeat this many times before it work, but if you stick with it, you can free yourself from these conversations.

 

[okeydokey]

There is nothing you can do, this is totally up to your Mom. If you don't want to hear about it, the next time she brings it up, say, "Mom, you know how I feel about this, and I don't want to talk about it anymore." Maybe one day she'll see that she is actually doing him a lot of harm.

 

[pilotwife_02]

I understand how you feel because I have a brother like that too. There are 4 of us but my one brother seems to always "need" my parents. He has 4 kids of his own and can't seem to take care of himself.

He seems to always need money to get them food of clothes, yet can have money for his cigarettes or go out with his friends or buy a tattoo. And of course my parents aren't going to deny their grandchildren food or clothing so they give him what he needs or buy the stuff for the kids. It drives me crazy because I would hope if my parents told him no he would stop buying tattoos and going out and would choose his kids but then again, I don't know for sure

Over that past 10 years (since my brother's first child was born) he and his kids have had to move in with my parents on 4 different occasions because he couldn't afford to live on his own. And no, it's not because he lost his job, he's been at the same company the whole time (the same place my dad works and ironically, makes more than my dad does there - go figure). He just doesn't know how to manage his money. Thankfully he has always lived in the same town as my parents so his kids don't have to change schools!

There is a lot more I won't get into there, let's just say I totally know where you are coming from.

I have tried talking to my parents about this, how it's not fair to them to have to keep bailing him out, it stresses them out big time, but in their head he is their son and they HAVE to be there for him. I get that to a certain extent, but when it's effecting them physically I think it's time to stop.

At this point, I have told them that I have a family now that I need to take care of I can't deal with his drama anymore and if they aren't going to listen to me and take my advice I don't want to hear them complain to me about him. I know that might sound mean, but it was making me upset and making me feel ill as well and that wasn't good for me and MY family (DH and two little boys).

Sorry this was so long, I just know what you are going through. Feel free to PM me if you want to chat!

 

[minkydog]

I apologize in advance as this will be long.

My brother is 25 years old. He still lives at home with my mom and she does everything for him. It's just the two of them in the house as my parents have been divorced for the past 21 years.

Anyway my mom talks about how she'd like my brother to get a place of his own and be more responsible. Currently he works part time at a pizzeria...a job he's had since he was 16. He has no saving or checking account in his name, no credit card, even his car is in my mom's name and on my mom's insurance.

In his free time he watches sports on tv and plays video games. He works nights and many nights after work he'll go to his friend's houses until 3 or 4 am and then come home and sleep well into the afternoon. My mom buys all the food and does his laundry. She also always fronts him money. She keeps a tab and pays all his bills (car ins, health ins, money for games, gas, etc...) and he just gives her a few hundred dollars a month...not nearly enough to cover what he borrows.

I told her she needs to cut him off completely. She should just let him know she refuses to give him any more money or do any more of his chores and he needs to open a checking account and credit card and start taking care of his living expenses. I told her she should open his eyes to the real world and kick him out of the house....but she says she'd never kick him out of the house....I mean I guess that's heartless but he needs to grow up. I told my mom that if she has an untimely passing that I will not be taking care of my brother and if she's worried about his well being she needs to give him some tough love right now.

It's insane the amount of enabling that went on with this kid. She paid for 3 years of college (at a 2 year community college which he flunked out of and has no degree to show for it)....she gave him 2 cars and when he mistreated them and the repair bills got high she just bought him a new 2010 cobalt. I should mention that I did not get this treatment, I paid for my college degree on my own and she wouldn't even let me borrow her car, let alone buy me one. After my first DS was born and me and DH got in a bit of a financial pinch she wouldn't even help us...which I guess if fine because we're doing quite alright...I just don't understand the double standard with that.

Anyway, anyone have any advice or experience with this. She complains to me constantly about this and I'm tired of hearing about it.

Ugh. I could have written your post, about DS23. He was/is exactly like your brother( except he paid for his car insurance, clothes and cell phone). I will tell you this--your brother is not going to change. Why should he? He's living the life of a teenager--no responsibilities,mom is cooking and cleaning for him. He's getting a free ride. Who wouldn't want that? Your mother may be complaining, but she's getting some reward from this too. In spite of the fact that he's driving her crazy, on some level she's enjoying having him there. And until she gets tough on him,nothing will change.

We let it go on way to long with DS23. Back in August 2009, we finally laid down the law--work full-time or go to college full-time, pay rent, clean up your room,do you laundry, take some responsibility with yard & housework. He got mad,threw a tantrum, and decided to leave. He moved in with his GF and refused to have any contact with us at all--I guess he showed us. We had to be strong and it was very hard on me. DS23 finally came around back in January, but it's still a bit strained. We have not invited him to return and he has made it clear that he doesn't plan to come back. Fine with me.

OP, you have NO power over this situation. You can support your mom, but she holds ALL the cards. Your bother (hah,Freudian slip)has no incentive to leave. The ONE trick you hold is this: you don't have to listen to her complaints. Just tell her you don't want to hear it if she's not going to do anything about it. I know that would be hard, and only you can decide just how long you want to be her sounding board. I had to do this with my own mother--she complained endlessly about my sibs. I had to tell her that I would no longer engage and I didn't want to hear about it. It took a few times of hanging up on her for her to get it, but she eventually understood that I wasn't going to budge on the subject.

I wish you the best. This man-boy will only make you crazy if you let him (*and that goes double for your mother.)

 

[Disney Doll]

There is nothing you can do. This is between your mom and your brother. Unless you suspect abuse, stay out of it. Anything you do or say will just cause frustration and resentment for both of you.

By the same token, you should not be forced to listen to her talk about it all the time and you don't need to play therapist. You are well within your rights to say that you'd rather not discuss it anymore.

The next time she brings it up, you can say "Mom, I know you're upset about the situation with Mike. I feel like I've offered you all of the ideas and advice I can. Talking about it frustrates me, so I'd like to talk about something else now."

You will need to repeat this many times before it work, but if you stick with it, you can free yourself from these conversations.

What she said. You're not going to stop Mom from babying and enabling, but you don't have to listen to it.

 

[kacaju]

Add me to the list with a brother like this!!! My brother is 41 and the laugh of the day is when he tells myself and our 2 other brothers how *he told Dad (before Dad died) he would take care of mom.
As others have said, you gotta leave it alone.

 

[sunnyday123]

Are you me? My brother is 33, married, and a toddler and daughter from another relationship, his wife has a son from another relationship, and they live with my father in a 3 bedroom house. She refuses to work, they pay no rent, utilities, food, etc. My brother expects my Father and Mother to hand him things, and they do. They have helped me, but not nearly as they have him, and throw it in my face all the time.

They've recently started to complain about him. I point blank told them I don't want to hear about it, nothing is ever going to change, and he's the way he is because of their treatement of him. I would just cut off the conversation when it starts. She's enabling him to live like that, and one of these days he'll be in for a rude awakening, but just be thankful it's not your problem.

 

[kaytieeldr]

I'm just reflecting because she was talking to me after I got home from work today and she was complaining about how she wishes my brother would just take responsibility for himself.

"But mom, stop and listen to what you're saying. You want him to take responsibility for himself, but you won't make, or even allow him to, take responsibility for himself. You know I love you. If you're serious, I'll be happy to offer you suggestions - and I'll support any decisions or actions you take. On the other hand, if you're just complaining to let off steam, that's fine too - but I won't be able to listen every time something comes up. I'll be happy to help you, or just be here for you, if you really intend to do something about Buzzy, though."

 

[tommya60]

I agree with everyone else--the only one that can make things change between your Mom and brother is your Mom. What you can change is the interaction between you and your Mom. I'd be willing to listen once a week. After that, sorry Mom we've discussed this and nothing has really changed since our last conversation. So lets talk about blah blah blah instead.