What to do about a tense situation?

[Mickeyistheman]

Well, I am in DC helping my cousin (male) move into his new home with his wife and their 2 beautiful kids they are 6 and 3.

Since I am unemployed, my cousin said that I should come down get out of Jersey and see if maybe I could find something here? Good point and help them move in and with the kids. Which I of course have no problem doing. I love them they are awesome and my cousin is the best.

He is in the Navy, so the move around alot and this time its tough on their older one.

Here is the situation now, my cousin and his wife have not seen each other in a month. Today they had a HUGE arguement in front of me and the kids. It was really tense filled. From my standpoint they were both wrong BUT now the wife refuses to speak to my cousin. I am at the hotel and he took the kids to Six Flags or something like that. Wife has been sleeping now for the past 2 hours.

I feel very uncomfortable now and don't know what to do. Any advice....I am going to be with them for the next 10 days!!!!!!!!!!! I said to my cousin that I would watch the kids so they could go have a nice dinner and he said no, I don't have to I protested but he said she won't want to go.

He did however try to talk with her several times and she gave him attitude.

What do I do????????????????

 

[mjkacmom]

Just stay out of it - married people do argue. If it keeps happening, let your cousin know that it makes you uncomfortable. Leave the room.

 

[Sleepy]

The only advice I can give is to steer clear of the situation and leave if it is possible. Being the spouse of a Navy person, I can say that the Navy adds an extra degree to a marriage that most could not understand no matter how well intentioned. Being reunited after extended time apart is not much different than a newly married couple who has never lived together. There is a power struggle, parental boundries to work out, and marital boundaries to work out. Who gets the tv remote can turn into an argument when the average person would sit back and wonder what in the world is the problem. It seriously takes a month to get things settled....especially when there are children.

From experience, living with a married couple is never a good idea.

 

[Mickeyistheman]

I have travelled with them before and my cousin's wife and I have become very close and I know things are difficult for her, which is why she wanted me to come and help her instead of her own mother. She had been staying with her for the past month and could not take it anymore. Then she called up hubby (my cousin) and told him to ask me if I could come.


I am really here to just watch the kids while they move in and that is fine. The hotel is very nice and we can swim, I brought some games and we can even walk to a nice park nearby its not even 2 blocks.

I am just uncomfortable being in the middle and they have no privacy or anything.

Tonight I am going to get my book and go sit in the lounge of the hotel so they have some time alone....I hope they will at least talk to each other .

 

[disykat]

I agree with the others that not seeing each other for a month and then the move on top of it can cause a lot of stress. The kids, being in a motel, even your presence, add to it. (Although they may have invited you thinking this would help relieve stress, it's still a stressor) I think you are smart to get out of their way for a bit when your cousin gets back and then later you can try the suggestion of them getting out while you watch the kids again.

 

[Keli]

I would absolutely ignore it. I wouldn't address it in any way. When married couples fight it can rarely be helped by a third party unless they are a counselor or something.

I'd just take care of the kids as agreed and pretend it's all wonderful.
And I like your idea of spending some time in the lobby and taking the kids to the pool and the park to give them some alone time. They probably need that more than anything.

They really are under incredible stress so I'd cut them all the slack in the world and try to make things as easy on them as possible.

Of course it's not fair to you but they are probably under too much stress to realize it. Hopefully they'll get things under control long before the 10 days are up!

 

[C.Ann]

As uncomfortable as it is, you do nothing.. It's between the two of them to work it out - or not..

 

[TwingleMum]

Could you just take the kids for a walk without making it a big deal? Don't say anything or interfere but try and at least get the kids away from the tension. And maybe the parents will talk while your gone.

 

[LINK1290]

Just stay out of it - married people do argue. If it keeps happening, let your cousin know that it makes you uncomfortable. Leave the room.

Agreed.

 

[Mickeyistheman]

Things are a bit better today, they got the keys to their new house and things went better.

Tomorrow I will have the kids all day by the pool and we are going to the park so they will be together moving in. I didn't address anything and yes it is between them it was just uncomfortable with both of them screaming at each other in front of me.

 

[minkydog]

Things are a bit better today, they got the keys to their new house and things went better.

Tomorrow I will have the kids all day by the pool and we are going to the park so they will be together moving in. I didn't address anything and yes it is between them it was just uncomfortable with both of them screaming at each other in front of me.

I know how I feel when my brother goes at my SIL--they provoke each other and pretty soon they're screaming, cursing and throwing things. Not pretty.

However, I really want to commend you for hanging in there. You really are helping them a lot by taking care of the kids while they get settled in. And you're helping them when you just say nothing and give them the space to work out their stress. Few things are as stressful as moving with small children.

 

[Mickeyistheman]

UPDATE!

Today was really great, the movers came in so I had the kiddies all day to myself. I don't have children of my own so it was sort of a culture shock to me but....I was surprised at myself. They kids were really good and listened to me. They didn't have any meltdowns a few attitude adjustments but overall they were great and I had fun too!

When they came back to the hotel, they both said to me and especially my cousins wife. If I hadn't been there it would have been insane and they would not have gotten anything done.

That meant so much to me, I felt that me being here wasn't going to do much and now I know that it did.

My cousin wanted to take me to the baseball game tonight, but I told him that I just wanted to chill and he should relax too.

We had a great dinner and now they are relaxing in the room and the kids are sleeping.

Thank you for the advice or even just listening, just a little OT my mother called yesterday and our dog of 15 years....passed away. It was very sudden and I found out late yesterday so being that today was so good I am feeling much better. The last time I had lost a dog was about 27 years ago ( I am 31) so this is even more difficult.

But again thanks everyone!

 

[Liberty Belle]

I would absolutely ignore it. I wouldn't address it in any way. When married couples fight it can rarely be helped by a third party unless they are a counselor or something.

I'd just take care of the kids as agreed and pretend it's all wonderful.
And I like your idea of spending some time in the lobby and taking the kids to the pool and the park to give them some alone time. They probably need that more than anything.

They really are under incredible stress so I'd cut them all the slack in the world and try to make things as easy on them as possible.

Of course it's not fair to you but they are probably under too much stress to realize it. Hopefully they'll get things under control long before the 10 days are up!

I agree. Unless one brings it up, just completely act like it didn't happen. And if one does bring it up, just brush it away with a "things happen" or some such thing.

 

[minkydog]

When they came back to the hotel, they both said to me and especially my cousins wife. If I hadn't been there it would have been insane and they would not have gotten anything done.

Honey, you have no idea. I have moved several times with under-5 year olds and having some assistance with the children makes a HUGE difference.

I'm sorry your dog passed away. It's hard to lose an animal that you love so much. Glad you took tonight off to just be by yourself for a bit.

 

[Disney Doll]

Sounds like having you there helped relieve some of their stress with regard to the kids and moving and settling in.

Married people fight. Sometimes we even scream...at least DH & I have been known to, on occasion.

The military aspect adds another level to the stress. usually things work themselves out and settle down...

Sorry about your dog....that's so hard....