What time do you let your kids stay up?

[letthewookiewin]

My DS's are 11 & 12 and on school nights they go to bed between 8-9. On Friday and Saturday, Spring and Summer breaks they have no set bedtime. They can put themselves to bed when they get too tired. If we go to bed before them, they either play Wii or watch t.v. quietly. At least that is how it is now, b/c I'm a stay at home mom. When I worked and they had to go to daycare, they still had to be in bed between 8-9 on Summer week nights. Even though on non-school nights, they have no set bed time, if my hubby tells them to go to bed I back him up. Even if I internally think they should be allowed to stay up later, I back up what my DH says. My DS's have tried to come to me and convince me to over ride their Dad's decision. I just tell them that their father told them to go to bed and will not go tell them any different. You just need to explain to you DH that his need to be the "cool dad" should never overshadow his duty to you to be a supportive husband. In not supporting you, he is only making the situation worse.

 

[Gigi22]

Well, I am not sure about how things sit between you and your DH, so I am not going there. However, I think I have an idea for the stepkids--what is the outdoor temperature where you live? Got any camping equipment? Explain nicely to your DH that you are worried that sleep deprivation will wind up resulting in an on the job injury for you. As such, your preventive measure is to let DH and kid or kids camp in the great outdoors. You stay indoors with the electricity and the plumbing and let your DH suffer through the joys of spring camping with his kids. And yes, you can camp in the snow! I think your DH will come around to your way of thinking...

 

[Stacerita]

Either they all get to stay up till 12, or they all need to be in bed early. There shouldn't be two different bed times. It shouldn't be "his" kids and "my" kids. It should just be "the" kids have a bed time. You can't play favorites.

 

[abdmom]

DS14 sets his own bedtime. But, he has learned about the natural consequences of staying up too late. He also doesn't leave for school until 8:30. He's usually asleep by 11. At ages 10 and 12, he wasn't able to handle setting his own bedtime. For him, it was lights out at 9:30 or 10:00 every night whether there was school or not.

 

[HeatherC]

What time do most people make their kids go to bed if they have to get up for school at 6am? Just curious because I'm seeing a lot of late bed times but wonder if this is because school starts later for a lot of people?

 

[Acklander]

No bedtime here, but kids are responsible for getting themselves up for whatever in the morning. DS10 Usually ends up in bed between 9-10 on school nights, but will stay up pretty late on weekends/vacations. He's a pretty quiet kid though.

If it's just the noise that's bothering you and DH isn't on board with trying to control that, I'd just get some earplugs and tell DH he's responsible for the kids after I went to bed since I wouldn't be able to hear anything with the earplugs in.

 

[aprilgail2]

What time do most people make their kids go to bed if they have to get up for school at 6am? Just curious because I'm seeing a lot of late bed times but wonder if this is because school starts later for a lot of people?

My 10 year daughter gets up at 7 this year for school and goes to bed between 10-11. Next year I would think she will want to go to bed earlier since she will be in 6th grade and have to be a the bus stop by 7:20

 

[mom2travel]

wow! lots of late bedtimes. My DD10 aims to be in bed by 8pm on school nights (some nights roll until 8:30); she leaves the house at 7:30am (gets up between 6:30 & 7am). Weekends and holidays bedtime is between 8:30-9pm unless something special going on.
DS is almost 15 and doesn't have a bed time. Most nights he is at least up in his room before we go to bed. On most school nights he heads to bed around 10pm. He gets up between 7-7:30am and catches the bus to school at 8am

It sounds like you and your DH need to talk about the importance of presenting a united front to the kids. If they are getting mixed signals and taking advantage now, it may very well get worse as they get older.

I agree w/ a PP about not having separate rules for "your" versus "his" kids - there should be "house rules". However, it would be perfectly acceptable to have different bed time rules that are age-dependent. It sounds like your bio children are older than all but one of your stepsons. Maybe the 3 oldest get the midnight time and the younger two need to go to bed earlier??

Good luck!

 

[cheermom1]

To all those who think I'm playing favorites hear this NOW, I AM NOT!!! I am going by what each kid needs like in a REAL family!!! The fact is that his kids require to go to bed earlier, even dh's mom said so when she has them!!!!

Geez not everything a step mom does is playing favorites. Anyway it is mainly a prob. on fri. nights as both or one of us often have to work sats. and when we have them for the week or summer. I have talked to dh about it and I think what I'm going to do is wake hi, up every time they wake me up and make him take care of them. And as far as what they are doing is this, they run through the house yelling and laughing and play fighting and have dropped things with loud bangs! AND YES it is JUST his kids that are doing this as mine are always in their rooms. They are the only ones I have ever caught doing this and they will tell you they were the ones playing. I am not playing favorites. IF you caught one or two of your kids but not all doing something wrong you would only discipline the ones that did wrong as it wouldn't be fair to the ones that are not breaking the rules. That would be playing favorites!

 

[mom2travel]

To all those who think I'm playing favorites hear this NOW, I AM NOT!!! I am going by what each kid needs like in a REAL family!!! The fact is that his kids require to go to bed earlier, even dh's mom said so when she has them!!!!

Geez not everything a step mom does is playing favorites. Anyway it is mainly a prob. on fri. nights as both or one of us often have to work sats. and when we have them for the week or summer. I have talked to dh about it and I think what I'm going to do is wake hi, up every time they wake me up and make him take care of them. And as far as what they are doing is this, they run through the house yelling and laughing and play fighting and have dropped things with loud bangs! AND YES it is JUST his kids that are doing this as mine are always in their rooms. They are the only ones I have ever caught doing this and they will tell you they were the ones playing. I am not playing favorites. IF you caught one or two of your kids but not all doing something wrong you would only discipline the ones that did wrong as it wouldn't be fair to the ones that are not breaking the rules. That would be playing favorites!

I don't think it is playing favorites, just trying to figure out how to enforce a bedtime that is different for some of the kids. It appears that some people were confusing the "yours/his" issue with the age/sleep needs issue.
My DD sometimes moans about having to go to bed early, but I know she will be a mess if she doesn't get enough sleep. It is difficult sometimes to enforce - as in, takes effort and patience. I usually get the "fun" job of playing the enforcer, although DH does agree that the bed time is needed. I can feel your frustration and wish there was an easy answer. I imagine part of the problem is that their dad is not supporting you on this and they see it and take advantage. Perhaps you can try again talking with your DH and propose a solution to him - e.g., kids can stay up until midnight once they are 14, and bed time for xx year-old is ___. Then sit the kids down, explain that you need your sleep, here are the rules and here are the consequences. Maybe you have already done this. Try again. And follow through if they don't hold up their end of the bargain - could be getting up early the next day for chores, using the bedtime their mother sets when they are with her, etc.

Wishing you luck and sleep!

 

[Eeyore'sthebest]

Do they have their own bedroom to sleep in?
Maybe you can set a rule that they have to be in their room at 10 p.m. and lights out at 12. This way they aren't running throughout the house.

 

[mjkacmom]

My 7 and 9 year olds go to bed at 8 on weeknights, 9 on weekends. My almost 12 year old goes to bed 9 - 9:30 every night, and my 13 year old puts herself to bed at 9 on weeknights, and I have no idea on weekends, because she's on the 3rd floor, and we don't hear her.

 

[robinb]

To all those who think I'm playing favorites hear this NOW, I AM NOT!!! I am going by what each kid needs like in a REAL family!!! The fact is that his kids require to go to bed earlier, even dh's mom said so when she has them!!!!

Geez not everything a step mom does is playing favorites. Anyway it is mainly a prob. on fri. nights as both or one of us often have to work sats. and when we have them for the week or summer. I have talked to dh about it and I think what I'm going to do is wake hi, up every time they wake me up and make him take care of them. And as far as what they are doing is this, they run through the house yelling and laughing and play fighting and have dropped things with loud bangs! AND YES it is JUST his kids that are doing this as mine are always in their rooms. They are the only ones I have ever caught doing this and they will tell you they were the ones playing. I am not playing favorites. IF you caught one or two of your kids but not all doing something wrong you would only discipline the ones that did wrong as it wouldn't be fair to the ones that are not breaking the rules. That would be playing favorites!

In the spirit of full disclosure, I have no experience with blended families. However, I think that if you made your step-kids go to bed earlier than your bio-kids on an everyday basis then everyone but YOU would view it as favoritism. You can rationalize it until the cows come home, but that is the way that everyone will feel. Your kids, his kids, your DH (who is NOT on board with this at all), your DH's ex ... everyone.

Another solution (other than ignoring them with ear plugs) is to work with your DH to make House Rules that can be applied equally to all kids and consequences for when those rules are not followed. For instance, if bedtime is midnight perhaps you can have quiet time after 10:00 so you can get some sleep. I think a temporary early bedtime is a perfectly good consequence for being loud and waking you once quiet time starts. I just don't think it should be the standard bedtime when your kids are allowed to stay up later.

 

[luvmy3]

In the spirit of full disclosure, I have no experience with blended families. However, I think that if you made your step-kids go to bed earlier than your bio-kids on an everyday basis then everyone but YOU would view it as favoritism. You can rationalize it until the cows come home, but that is the way that everyone will feel. Your kids, his kids, your DH (who is NOT on board with this at all), your DH's ex ... everyone.

Another solution (other than ignoring them with ear plugs) is to work with your DH to make House Rules that can be applied equally to all kids and consequences for when those rules are not followed. For instance, if bedtime is midnight perhaps you can have quiet time after 10:00 so you can get some sleep. I think a temporary early bedtime is a perfectly good consequence for being loud and waking you once quiet time starts. I just don't think it should be the standard bedtime when your kids are allowed to stay up later.

I think this is how you should handle it. get together with your dh and set rules up for all the kids, those who don't follow then face the consequences. That way its fair for everyone.

I have 3 kids, my dd12 goes to bed at 10-10:30 on school nights, and doesn't really have a bed time on weekends or vacations. My boys, 6 and 9 go to bed at 9 on school nights and 11 at the latest on weekends. I don't really enforce their bedtime during the summer unless we are doing something the next day that requires us to be up early.

 

[brockash]

In the spirit of full disclosure, I have no experience with blended families. However, I think that if you made your step-kids go to bed earlier than your bio-kids on an everyday basis then everyone but YOU would view it as favoritism. You can rationalize it until the cows come home, but that is the way that everyone will feel. Your kids, his kids, your DH (who is NOT on board with this at all), your DH's ex ... everyone.

Another solution (other than ignoring them with ear plugs) is to work with your DH to make House Rules that can be applied equally to all kids and consequences for when those rules are not followed. For instance, if bedtime is midnight perhaps you can have quiet time after 10:00 so you can get some sleep. I think a temporary early bedtime is a perfectly good consequence for being loud and waking you once quiet time starts. I just don't think it should be the standard bedtime when your kids are allowed to stay up later.

You are so correct, and it's very odd that OP can't see that

I also agree that having rules/consequences for everyone is the way to go. I get it OP, your kids are perfect in this area and will never break these rules or need these consequences, but that's not the point. You and DH still need to sit down with ALL of the kids and explain the house rules/consequences, and then when only "his" kids break the rules, you can enforce the consequences, while still coming off fair.
Personally, since you're having so many issues, I'd make a house rule that they all have to be in their bedrooms when you and dh go to bed (if all of "his" kids share the same room this may not help much, but if only 2 of them share a room or none of them, it should cut down a lot of the issues.) If your DH isn't willing to set house rules for all the kids, then I'm not sure what other choice you have. At that point I'd seriously be looking at the relationship and see if it's something you want to put up with and have your kids involved in or not. If you're willing to deal with your dh not stepping up to be a parent, then I'd go with the earplugs and making LOTS of noise for the whole family when you get up in the morning.

 

[It'sWDW4me]

On school night my kids have to go to bed at 10 pm, they are older, on weekends they have to go to bed at 12 pm. However when there is no school (spring break or summer) I let them stay up till 12 pm IF they are quite and go to bed at 12 pm.

Here is my problem when we have my step sons I started out letting them do the same but they have never been able to do this, always loud and never going to bed at 12 pm like I asked. even when they know we have to work the next day they still are doing the same things. I told them that they will be going to bed when I do if they can't go to bed when I tell them too or won;t be quite. WELL dh is fighting with me on this why I don;t know. They are not young 14, 12, and 10 old enough to know better. how can I get dh to understand it is not cool for me to be woken up by his boys being loud and still not in bed when they are told to. So in other words they are not responsible enough to stay up till 12 pm yet???? I really am at my wits end. As a side note my kids have always been responsible enough to do this as I have never had to get up and make then be quite or tell them to go to bed. It is just my step sons. also I am NOT picking on them I am just stating the facts of what happens.

So how can I get dh to understand that his boys are not responsible enough to stay up that late if they can't do as they are told? Or am I domed to being so dang tired I can;t function every time they are here???

At their mom's the rules are they have to go to bed at 9 pm every night. And yes I know it hard to have 2 sets of rules. However this one needs to a rule as I am not getting any sleep when they are here.

Either they all get to stay up till 12, or they all need to be in bed early. There shouldn't be two different bed times. It shouldn't be "his" kids and "my" kids. It should just be "the" kids have a bed time. You can't play favorites.

It doesn't sound to me like OP is "playing favorites". ALL of the kids - bio and step - have a bedtime of 10pm (which is already an hour later than SS's bedtime at their mom's house - lucky SS's). When there's no school the next day, as long as the kids are quiet, they are allowed up until midnight. I would imagine that if OP's bio kids acted like lunatics at 11:00, she'd have them in their rooms in a flash! Why should the stepkids be treated differently and be allowed to stay up trashing the house and making loud noise while OP is trying to sleep?

OP - yes, hubby really needs to grow a spine as far as his kids are concerned. He's doing absolutely no favors to his kids or to himself by not setting limits. They're relatively young yet but they're now learning that they can walk all over dad. What will they be doing in a few years when they're old enough to drive or have friends who are or look old enough to get liquor? He wants to be the cool dad? Well, he already is by letting them stay up (albeit quietly) until midnight whereas mom makes them go to bed by 9!

I think you need to have a talk (or many talks, if that's what it takes) with hubby. Would he let your kids run amok and trample house rules? If no, why does he feel his kids are exempt? You both need to be on the same page and then provide a unified front. Set all the kids (yours and his so nobody can claim favorites) and lay down the rules. If anyone breaks the rules, they go to their room (and I do so hope that there is one or more rooms specifically for his kids). Then, DH needs to suck it up and discipline his kids when needed. They will give both of you grief but, as long as you both stick to your guns, they need to learn to respect rules.

 

[Pakey]

OP, I have 25 years of experience in a blended family (the boys are now 34, 31 and 29) and I see years of heartache for you and those kids. The problem is between you and your husband, not you and his children. If you can't see that, I just don't ever see you finding peace in your home.

I never disciplined my stepsons although they lived with us 50% of the time. And my husband never disciplined my son who was with us 100% of the time. We agreed on the rules, tried to mirror as closely as possible what the 2 older boys had for rules at their moms, but we did our own disciplining of our own children. My husband and I may have had a few differences in private but never in front of the kids and we never crossed over into each other's parenting.

You should be mad at your husband, not at those kids.

 

[Sillyisme]

My 8 year old usually is up past midnight. Can't get that kid to put down the video games. My 3 year old, however is in bed at 10:00 on the dot every night, no exceptions!

 

[ICF]

Im really surprised by the young kids that stay up so late.

I dont stay up past 10 or 10:30, and there is no way my 10year old is staying up until 10 or 11 on SCHOOL nights??? What are they doing at 10 or 10:30 at night?

My son is in his room @ 8:30 and has lights out at 9 on school nights. On weekends he has more flexibility, but unless something special is going on he's still in bed by 9:30. My 7 year old is usually in bed between 7:30 and 8 and she's asleep 5 mins later almost every night.

 

[Crystal0608]

I don't have a set bedtime for the kids, but ds (8) is usually asleep between 8:30-9pm and dd (9) is asleep between 10-11pm. By around 8, they do have to have showers and be in their room reading or watching tv with a timer. In the summer, they can be up (usually playing Wii with dh) but not keep me up. DD usually reads a couple hours before bed and she is my easiest to wake up for school at 6:30am. DS, who goes to bed way earlier, takes forever to get up. It does get loud with sleepovers, so I limit those.

I can't stand noise when I go to sleep, so if my kids kept me up on a worknight, when I get up an hour before them I would be just as loud.