what makes parents kick their kids out?

[punkin]

You can disagree all you want - it doesn't make it any less true. There are exceptions, but it is absolutely true for the population in general.

As for the lazy comment - how would you make such a determination?

You can generalize about the entire population of the Northeast? Based on what? How can YOU make any such determination?

 

[okeydokey]

You can generalize about the entire population of the Northeast? Based on what? How can YOU make any such determination?

It's laughable, isn't it.

 

[Disney Doll]

Thank you for all the well wishes. I know we are going to need them.
I totally agree with the above post. Basically that is what we offered to all 3 of our children. The girls were grateful for our help, both with college expenses and housing. They were a joy to have living in the house. I would offer them a temporary home anytime. However, DS is a different story. We told him he would have to save part of his earning (the short time he did work-6 weeks in 3 yrs), save part of an insurance settlement he recieved....nope....he claims, "we can't make him". We told him he had to pay $25 a week in rent....never got it. So.....basically our only recourse is to either put up with being held hostage in our own home or put up with it.
Oh.....and I forgot to mention that we have paid for 2 drug treatment programs to help him come off the RX drugs. The drs cut him off 2 yrs ago....and surprise surprise....he found other ways to get the drugs.....which developed into a huge addiction. Because of the new insurance rules we can re-instate him on our med insurance for a yr. We told him we would do this if he would agree to go to an in-house 30 day program....Of course...he refused and said he didnt have a problem.

Then you truly need to protect the rest of your family from him. DSad to say, he is right. You cannot coonttrol him nor can you make him do anything. You can, however, control his impact on the rest of the family, so you need to take the steps you are taking in order to do so.

 

[Disney Doll]

Exactly. This is what I don't understand. It seems like a lot of kids today think that if they can't move out and have the same lifestyle that they did at their parents home, they may as well stay there. It's as if they think they should immediately be able to get their own place and have everything else they want. WTH? It would never have occurred to me that I could have gotten a a great job and a place of my own at 18 or 21. You have to work your way up. We all started out with roommates - the less money you made the more roommates you needed. It also wouldn't have occurred to me that I had the option to stay with my parents as long as I felt like it. I think that one problem is that a lot of parents today actually want their little darlings at home as long as possible and can't imagine their kids having to struggle at all. They really aren't doing those kids any favors with that attitude.

You are absolutely right about this. My DH works in real estate and he is alwats amazed at the number of 20-something year old newlyweds who come in thinking that they are going to be able to buy a 3000SF 4 bedroom colonial in our nice suburban town, even though they have $30K worth of consumer/credit card debt because they just "had to" have the BMW, the new iPhone, those cute shoes at 9West etc. When DH tells them they don't qualify for a mortgage, let alone enough mortgage to pay for the house they want, they are shocked, and the common refrain is "But that's the kind of house my parents have" ....yes, but your parents took 25 years to get it. They didn't have it as newlyweds.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

You can generalize about the entire population of the Northeast? Based on what? How can YOU make any such determination?

No one that I have ever met is willing to accept that they are materialistic. It doesn't surprise me to see the defensive responses.

 

[Disney Doll]

I'm just going to add my 2 cents to the the adult vs. child debate. The are biologically and legally adults, but mentally and emotionally still children. I also have a 21 year old who can't seem to grasp that the choices she makes now will impact her in the future. She sees she has a credit card to go make random purchases with, while I see her future credit score. I know, I know, some of you have perfect children, but the majority of us do not. These "adults" want to make adult decisions, but still don't want to accept the adult consequences that go along with them! There have been many studies that show the brain isn't fully developed until at least age 25, and before that they are more likely to make very risky, impulsive decisions.

And the stupid risky impulsive decisions were the ones I learned the most from back in the day....

 

[luvsJack]

That's not what I said at all.

". . .men with good work ethics, who've cared enough about themselves to become qualified for jobs that'll allow them to support their families."

This is the statement you made and what I was responding to when I used my neice as an example. Her dh had not become qualified to do much of anything before they married. He had jobs but not a career, I guess. AFTER they marriage he went back to school but doesn't make a lot of money in his chosen career. She supports the family. Another couple I know that are very much in love, she will soon have a Phd in her field, he has two jobs cleaning offices.

All I am saying is that it is possible to be happy with someone who on thier own would not be considered "successful".

 

[jmpurdy]

No one that I have ever met is willing to accept that they are materialistic. It doesn't surprise me to see the defensive responses.

The responses you will get to your very wide generalization of people in the Northeast is not defensive. It is merely your opinion and not fact at all.

 

[klacey1]

The responses you will get to your very wide generalization of people in the Northeast is not defensive. It is merely your opinion and not fact at all.

Exactly. I really don't understand how anyone could make a statement like that and claim it's fact. Your opinion and you're entitled to it, but fact? No. I know plenty of materialistic Northeasters-- and plenty of altruistic ones. There's plenty of materialistic Southerners and Westerners, too.
I will soon have two degrees and DBF only has one. I make more money than him already and will probably do so for the rest of our lives. Fine by men. A greater human being never existed. I think encouraging an 8 year old that she needs to find a "man" with excellent career prospects is beyond crazy. As far as her being a vet or "people doctor"-- I bet 95% of people don't have the career that they envisioned at 8.
No, I'd never want my children to end up with someone who squandered away money or was lazy. However, if his/her highest ambition was to be a janitor and they could make it work financially with as little worry/stress as possible-- fine by me. Much, much better THAT than a cheater or abuser OR a rich man/woman that my child didn't really love.

 

[rie'smom]

Exactly. I really don't understand how anyone could make a statement like that and claim it's fact. Your opinion and you're entitled to it, but fact? No. I know plenty of materialistic Northeasters-- and plenty of altruistic ones. There's plenty of materialistic Southerners and Westerners, too.
I will soon have two degrees and DBF only has one. I make more money than him already and will probably do so for the rest of our lives. Fine by men. A greater human being never existed. I think encouraging an 8 year old that she needs to find a "man" with excellent career prospects is beyond crazy. As far as her being a vet or "people doctor"-- I bet 95% of people don't have the career that they envisioned at 8.
No, I'd never want my children to end up with someone who squandered away money or was lazy. However, if his/her highest ambition was to be a janitor and they could make it work financially with as little worry/stress as possible-- fine by me. Much, much better THAT than a cheater or abuser OR a rich man/woman that my child didn't really love.

You're right about that! At 8, I wanted to be either a prima ballerina or a nun when I was an adult.
This thread has made me think though. My grandmother told me my whole life, " It's as easy to love and marry a rich man as it is to love and marry a poor man." Husband # 1 was from a wealthy family and my present husband is from an even wealthier family. I wonder if this was a subconscious move by me. My grandmother was a wonderful woman and I adored her- she was the one person that I always felt really loved me. Huh, maybe I did marry these guys because deep down I wanted to make her happy. Weird

 

[punkin]

This thread sure has taken a funny turn.

 

[luvsJack]

You're right about that! At 8, I wanted to be either a prima ballerina or a nun when I was an adult.
This thread has made me think though. My grandmother told me my whole life, " It's as easy to love and marry a rich man as it is to love and marry a poor man." Husband # 1 was from a wealthy family and my present husband is from an even wealthier family. I wonder if this was a subconscious move by me. My grandmother was a wonderful woman and I adored her- she was the one person that I always felt really loved me. Huh, maybe I did marry these guys because deep down I wanted to make her happy. Weird

My grandma used to say the same thing and she died a wealthy woman. Funny thing is she didn't marry into money. She and my grandpa literally built a group of businesses from the ground up.

 

[punkin]

I think it is silly to "marry into money." I think it is probably a good idea to marry a man who happens to have money. In the first, money is your primary objective. In the second, you want the man, but the money just happens to come along with him.

 

[luvmy3]

As the father of two boys, my only hope for my son as he looks for a spouse is that he find someone that cares about him, not money. In the Northeast, women and men seem to care more about money than anything else. IMO, it is far less important that a man or woman be able to provide for their family financially than they they be able to provide for their family emotionally.

Most of the girls up here are looking for husbands to provide for them financially. They discount poor earners, with no regard for the man behind the job or degree. I have pointed them out to my boys as women to avoid. They will only tear you down, not lift you up - and they will be gone the second that tough times fall upon you.

For the women out there - you should also beware of men who place money first. They are not the type of ment that you can trust. They will break your daughters' hearts time and again. When anything comes ahead of the relationship, pain becomes a chronic reminder of our poor choice in a spouse.

You do realize there is far more to the Northeast than Blairstown NJ right?

 

[luvsJack]

I think it is silly to "marry into money." I think it is probably a good idea to marry a man who happens to have money. In the first, money is your primary objective. In the second, you want the man, but the money just happens to come along with him.

I prefer that dd marry into love and happiness. Something else my grandma always told us was to never date with someone you wouldn't marry because you can't control who you fall in love with.

Maybe if you decide in the first place that you wouldn't marry someone without money and follwed that advice ? That way you could be sure that you would fall in love with a many with money. I think grandma always had the hope that we wouldn't have to work as hard as she did, but I think that she forgot that working for it was half the fun of having it!

BTW, I think "marrying into money" is silly too.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

You do realize there is far more to the Northeast than Blairstown NJ right?

Thanks

 

[punkin]

Well I certainly didn't follow the "grandma's" advice. My DH keeps saying I wanted a Rich man's son, but wound up with Rich's son (FIL is Richard).

 

[luvmy3]

Thanks

Don't mention it, comsider the info an early Christmas gift

 

[tar heel]

Maybe they're out there. We've only toured three colleges so far, but I haven't seen any advertising for such places -- and you'd think they'd hit up the Open House crowd pretty hard.

They're definitely out there. I have direct experience with four North Carolina state universities and two of them -- UNC-Chapel Hill and NC State -- have had privately owned dorms for YEARS. Granville Towers at UNC was a NEW option when I enrolled there in 1974! With the new dorms built since then, actual on-campus housing is probably closer in quality to Granville now than it was then. Granville had a/c, maid service, all-you-can eat on-site dining, bathroom per two rooms, a pool and ample parking spaces -- it was very plush next to the dorms and a good bit more expensive. It also counted as "on campus" for freshmen.

When my middle son went to basketball camp in the late '90s, Granville looked like it needed some renovating.

I can't remember whether we were told about North at NC State when my son was visiting, but we got plenty of mail after he had been accepted. They're big push was that freshmen who lived there could have cars.

 

[MrsPete]

Sadly, mine was already find of imported cheese, lobster an crab by that age (I blame the Disney cruise ships for the seafood and our French friends for the cheese:rotfl . . . .

Yeah, I can relate: My kids will only eat the Tyson chicken nuggets.

No one that I have ever met is willing to accept that they are materialistic. It doesn't surprise me to see the defensive responses.

Oh, I have . . . but they tend to use nicer terms: "I'm particular", or "If you're going to have to pay for it, you might as well get what you want." And there are other little phrases like that. Often it's presented in a joking fashion.

". . .men with good work ethics, who've cared enough about themselves to become qualified for jobs that'll allow them to support their families."

This is the statement you made and what I was responding to when I used my neice as an example. Her dh had not become qualified to do much of anything before they married. He had jobs but not a career, I guess. AFTER they marriage he went back to school but doesn't make a lot of money in his chosen career. She supports the family. Another couple I know that are very much in love, she will soon have a Phd in her field, he has two jobs cleaning offices.

All I am saying is that it is possible to be happy with someone who on thier own would not be considered "successful".

I expect my daughters to go to college, earn degrees, and be able to take care of themselves and their families financially. Once they can do this, they may choose to be working moms, or they and their husbands may agree upon another path, but I want to know that THEY CAN support themselves. Why would I expect less from a son-in-law? Why would my daughters expect less from a potential husband?

A guy who cleans offices and who's building himself a cleaning business could end up "cleaning up" financially -- probably not with only two clients. Many jobs like that appear to be low-paying, but whoever's running things can do well.

I think you're hearing me say, "He has to be rich, or he's not good enough for my daughter." I'm not saying that. I'm not saying he has to have a particular or prestigious career or that he has to be able to provide sports cars, beach houses, or other luxuries. But I am saying that I sure hope my girls choose someone who is qualified for a good job and who has a good work ethic. My girls have been raised to expect adults to work, and adults who work are generally successful. If they found husbands who weren't particularly motivated in that direction -- for example, if they were satisfied with working in the Walmart electronics department -- they'd always be at odds with one another.

They're definitely out there. I have direct experience with four North Carolina state universities and two of them -- UNC-Chapel Hill and NC State -- have had privately owned dorms for YEARS.

Hmmm . . . and we just toured Carolina last month. Either they're filling them with upperclass students, or they count on people searching out such things themselves. We saw what we were told was a typical freshman dorm, and we read lots of bulletin boards looking for "campus personality", and if they were advertising luxury dorms, I missed it.

Of course, November might not be the month they'd push housing.

In this particular case, it doesn't matter anyway. We came away knowing that our oldest isn't going to Carolina. Sure, it has prestige and tradition, but it just left us cold. It'd be a poor fit for her. I'm just glad she and I came away with the same impression, and we're not at odds about it. And State's not on our list since they don't have a nursing program.