What makes a marriage work?

[ericamanda01]

I unfortunalty have something to compair this marriage to, my last one. I have found the DH and I are partners equally in everything. And we laugh really hard at least once a day! But the hardest, for me at least, was backing down and saying I am sorry when I know I am wrong. It really takes too much energy to stay mad, so we just don't.

 

[gr8tpanther]

Well I am divorced, but I can give some advice. Don't be in a hurry to start a family. Enjoy yourselves for awhile, get to know each other before you bring little ones into the picture.

But communication is an asset. So many people loose each other because they NEVER talk. And then when they DO talk, neither one is really listening.

 

[Micca]

"love means having to say you're sorry every 5 minutes" John Lennon

 

[palmtreegirl]

Pick your battles... don't sweat the small stuff!!!!

That's a good one.

Also there's really no such thing as "Happily ever after" and even if there was, I'd pass because it's the hard times that make the great ones even sweeter.

 

[MamaLema]

Compromise and learn to disagree without personal attacks.

Also try to avoid saying "you always..." and "you never..."

 

[poohandwendy]

I have to add...what makes a marriage work is two people working together and not against each other. (that's it in a nutshell, IMO)

 

[disneyaggie]

Separate bathrooms.

In addition . . . I once worked with Zig Ziglar. A wonderful individual who has written many books. One thing I learned from him that really seemed to work was whenever you are arguing with your loved one, hold hands. I know, at that particular time you really don't want to hold their hands, but as soon as you both hold hands to face each other to talk, there is an automatic "softening" of the anger that appears.

I was really angry with one guy and we tried this. I had told him about Zig's idea and, at the beginning of an argument, he said, 'O.k., let's do what Zig suggests. Let's hold hands." I told him, "I don't want to hold your hand. I am very angry with you." However, once we held hands, I must admit, it worked. We actually started laughing how we really didn't want to hold hands, which made us laugh even more. Made whatever we were arguing about seem much smaller than before.

 

[MScott1851]

This may sound nutty, but almost every decision I make, whether it's to buy Mt. Dew or Mello Yello, down to the schedule I'm going to work next month, is not only governed by my own personal thoughts, but consideration for my husband as well. I don't mean I let him control me or make my decisions, but I do think about how things I do and say will impact him.

I always think, "How will this affect DH, or what will DH think about this?"

Sounds stupid, but it works for me...

 

[The Mystery Machine]

For us...

Both of us are willingly to do whatever it takes to make it work. You must be open to change & adjustment.
I have seen so many couples that "dig their heels in" wanting to be "right" instead of wanting to work through and "compromise".
Over the 20yrs we have been together, we have been through ALOT of crisis, death, financial hardship, bedrest for me, sick baby, etc.....

One of the most important pieces I can say is......."Be on the same page with your spouse with regard to childrearing!!!"
That was a tough one to do. But we did finally get to that and it was like alot of tension just melted away and we felt closer than ever before.
I think alot of times a spouse will "side" with a kid instead of privately talking and then providing a "bonded front".

Cleaning and homecare....
Both of us have decided we want a nice home and we realize our limitations. We don't barter "if you do this, then I will do that"....(we used to, it was not a good way to do things)
Instead we discuss things, plan and get things done in some fashion whether it is together, hiring someone, postponing, etc....

It took us awhile to get there so don't expect perfection off the bat!
Congratulations!

 

[Disney Doll]

~Don't think for one minute that you are not marrying your spouse's entire family. You are. So make sure you can at least tolerate them. It is much better if you actually like them though.
~Don't think your marriage is going to be all sunshine, roses, and music all the time. This is not a soap opera. The man doesn't come home from work and sweep the gorgeous little wife in the perfect outfit into his arms for a long passionate kiss followed by hours of glorious lovemaking every day. Some days he comes home crabby from the commute and she looks really grubby because she's been doing yardwork all day.
~Expect your spouse to behave with integrity in all situations. Expect the best of your spouse. People tend to try and live up to what they think your expectations of them are.
~Know when to go to bed angry, or with an issue not resolved. It doesn't do any good to beat a dead horse. Sometimes the horse just has to lay there and be dead. Often, when you wake up the next day, your perspective is very different.
~Be faithful, in word and deed. Physical faithfulness goes without saying...affairs, physical or emotional ones, don't usually do a lot of good for a marriage. When you and your spouse encounter a difficult situation or family member or whatever, you must present a united front. Example- My late DMIL had a strong personality and some pretty definite ideas of how a wedding should be run. Her ideas were soemwhat different than what DH & I wanted for our wedding however, so there were some tense moments. We got through them because DH & I would discuss something, come to an agreement, & when we spoke to his mother about it, we presented a united front. This accomplished a couple of things: 1. I wasn't always the rotten DIL because DH was in agreement & supportive, 2. Made folks realize that we were a team. After a while, issues were no longer issues because they knew if I said it, he'd support it and vice versa. And don't get me wrong, my DMIL & I were close, and she was a dear lady. But there is an adjustment period for mothers of sons to get used to the idea that their son now had another important woman in his life.
~Always tell your spouse you love him when you are parting. Think of how you'd feel if God forbid something happened. I always want the last words my spouse hears from me to be "I love you".
~Sometimes you are not going to "like" your spouse. That doesn't mean you don't love him.
~Treat your spouse with as much care & consideration as you do other people in your life...friends, co-workers etc. We often take for granted the people we love the most.
~Look, really look, at your fiance and think about whether or not this is a person that you want to spend the rest of your life with. It's easy to get caught up in the wedding plans..picking gowns and flowers and dresses etc. But the bottom line is, when push comes to shove, the wedding is one day, the marriage should be a lifetime. The moment will come when you will be standing at the back of the church, or hall, or judge's chambers, or wherever, and you will be walking toward this man. Be absolutely sure that he's who you want to walk toward.

Best wishes.

 

[Beast fan]

SDFgirl ....
If you think the packrat in your DBF is going to change ..... then I want to know if he has any sisters!
Seriously, DW and I have been married almost 10 years. Most years have been difficult. There have been some reasons for this on both "sides". DW is a HUGE packrat (she has Woman's Day magazines from when she was 19!), and is late (for any one thing) about 95% of the time, and is, shall we politely say, "retentive" about the way some things are done around the house. As for myself ... I HAVE to be early for everything .... and "my stuff" (clothes and other items/keepsakes of mine that I hold dear and will take to whereever we move next) could fit in a Cavalier.
That said, DW is gradually getting better and I give her "kudos" when I notice.

Gosh SDFgirl, if BOTH of you are just able to say "I'm sorry. I didn't know. What can I do to help?" that will immediately stop 90% of any arguments you two will have.

Good luck and God Bless.

Dave

 

[va32h]

Be nice to your mother in law, no matter how awful she is to you. Just remind yourself that you will outlive her, eventually.

Treat your spouse with the same courtesy you would show a stranger or guest in your home. Too often, we get used to the people around us, and forget to do the simple things, like say "please".

Keep the bathroom door shut. Nobody wants to watch you pee, no matter how much they love you.

Think of your marriage as something permanent. Pretend that divorce is not even an option. This will motivate you to solve the problem, rather than bail.

 

[SDFgirl]

~~Look, really look, at your fiance and think about whether or not this is a person that you want to spend the rest of your life with. It's easy to get caught up in the wedding plans..picking gowns and flowers and dresses etc. But the bottom line is, when push comes to shove, the wedding is one day, the marriage should be a lifetime. The moment will come when you will be standing at the back of the church, or hall, or judge's chambers, or wherever, and you will be walking toward this man. Be absolutely sure that he's who you want to walk toward.
COLOR]

Well said. I know with every atom of my being that he is the one I want to spend my life with. I dated plenty of nice guys before I met DF, but I never had "that feeling." With DF, almost immediately I knew that he was the one for me. I want to support him in the rough times, laugh with him in the happy times. He is my true partner in life. This marriage/engagement feels like the most authentic thing I've ever done. We dated for over two years before becoming engaged, so we've really had time to get to know each other, and see each other at our best and worst. He's supported me 100% in working towards my Master's degree and career change. I love him so much - and I recognize that the wedding, while important, is only one day in a much bigger lifetime.

Our parents couldn't be happier for us. His mom and dad live about a block from us and are wonderful. My parents live 45 minutes away and visit every chance they get. We are both very family-oriented, so it really is a dream come true for me...

Thanks for the wonderful advice, everyone.

 

[ThAnswr]

Okay gang...

I am to be married in 5 months. Lately I've been thinking a lot about the knowledge and advice of people who have already been married...what makes a marriage work? Is there something you wish you had known when you got married? What would you tell someone who is about to "take the plunge?"

People keep telling me, "Don't go to bed angry." That's a good one...anybody else have any nuggets of wisdom they'd like to share?

Thanks!

Respect. Respect who your partner is and respect what they do.

And one other little nugget of wisdom: Don't destroy your partner's fantasy of who they are.

 

[SDFgirl]

SDFgirl ....
If you think the packrat in your DBF is going to change ..... then I want to know if he has any sisters!
Seriously, DW and I have been married almost 10 years. Most years have been difficult. There have been some reasons for this on both "sides". DW is a HUGE packrat (she has Woman's Day magazines from when she was 19!), and is late (for any one thing) about 95% of the time, and is, shall we politely say, "retentive" about the way some things are done around the house. As for myself ... I HAVE to be early for everything .... and "my stuff" (clothes and other items/keepsakes of mine that I hold dear and will take to whereever we move next) could fit in a Cavalier.
That said, DW is gradually getting better and I give her "kudos" when I notice.

Gosh SDFgirl, if BOTH of you are just able to say "I'm sorry. I didn't know. What can I do to help?" that will immediately stop 90% of any arguments you two will have.

Good luck and God Bless.

Dave

I don't think I can ever really change his pack rat ways...his dad is an even bigger one, so it must be in the genes! And, although it drives me crazy, I have to admit that it makes me laugh when I see 20+ empty mayonaise/salsa/jelly jars stacked neatly under the sink. Hey, you never know when you'll need a jar!

And, I guess he'll learn to put up with my empty coffee cups left on the end tables, kitchen counter, and bathroom counter...and he may just have to log me off of the computer, as I never seem to do it myself...(these are the things that drive HIM crazy about ME!!)

 

[CyranoJones]

Watch how your SO treats his mother...in all likelihood, this is how he will treat you.

Make every effort you can to at least get along with your in-laws. If they never do another thing for you, they did make it possible for you to meet your spouse.

Be sure you are friends with your intended. There are times when "like" is a lot more important than "love."

Mutual respect, mutual respect, mutual respect!!!

 

[Barb D]

Marriage is not a fairy tale. Be prepared to adjust your vision of what you want/expect your life to look like.

 

[Deafmedic]

Well I am divorced, but I can give some advice. Don't be in a hurry to start a family. Enjoy yourselves for awhile, get to know each other before you bring little ones into the picture.

AMEN! We waited 4 years before our first one came.

 

[mtblujeans]

Marriage takes maturity. Like anything else that is worth something, it takes alot of effort and is not for the faint of heart.

 

[DisneyAddict_M]

Communication!!!!!!!!!!!

I also agree with whomever said wait to start a family. My marriage already wasn't the greatest, but after DD was born about 2 years after we got married, the marriage weakened even more and we divorced right after her first birthday.

Good luck!