what is the right choice

[EthansMom]

I think you need to investigate available elder services in your area. There may be other options beyond those you are considering. For instance, you may be able to find a local adult day care or find a decent assisted living facility (some accept the patient's SSI and/or Medicare/Medicaid as full payment).

It seems as if you've fixated on only one or two options and could really use some advice to broaden your options.

IMO, taking full care 24/7 of Grandma will be much more of a commitment than you expect and isn't necessarily the best option for you or Grandma.

Personally, I know that DH's Grandma was in an assisted living situation for several years where she had her own little one-bedroom apartment and that was paid for pretty much entirely with her benefits (SSI, I think). Now that she has developed alzheimers, Grandma has moved to another facility that can better care for her needs and that facility is also paid for with her benefits. As for family, she visits with family often, with DH's Dad bringing her to his house for holidays and such and going to visit other family members often as well.

I now there are people who are opposed to "nursing homes" but there are some decent ones out there that aren't just for rich people.

Good Luck!

 

[brittanyherndon]

I think that what may be helpful is if you knew someone locally who is doing what you would like to do and go and either help them for the day (if they are open to it) or discuss what all goes into caring for that family member.


In addition--one thing has not been mentioned is your personal costs going towards the care of grandma in your home. Is it something your budget can even support. I.e. if you cannot afford her care items that aren't covered by any insurance as well as the extra mouth to feed, that too is an issue.


I may have missed your post, but why is your mother not offering to care for her own mother?

yes but she has ss is there something in the equation that it will not cover and my mom travels to much and I thought about having that extra mouth to feed but I was hoping that the money she gets monthy will take care of the extra food cost

I think you need to investigate available elder services in your area. There may be other options beyond those you are considering. For instance, you may be able to find a local adult day care or find a decent assisted living facility (some accept the patient's SSI and/or Medicare/Medicaid as full payment).

It seems as if you've fixated on only one or two options and could really use some advice to broaden your options.

IMO, taking full care 24/7 of Grandma will be much more of a commitment than you expect and isn't necessarily the best option for you or Grandma.

Personally, I know that DH's Grandma was in an assisted living situation for several years where she had her own little one-bedroom apartment and that was paid for pretty much entirely with her benefits (SSI, I think). Now that she has developed alzheimers, Grandma has moved to another facility that can better care for her needs and that facility is also paid for with her benefits. As for family, she visits with family often, with DH's Dad bringing her to his house for holidays and such and going to visit other family members often as well.

I now there are people who are opposed to "nursing homes" but there are some decent ones out there that aren't just for rich people.

Good Luck!

That is a great option I am glad you thought of it however what if my grandma falls in her apartment is their away she can notify them

 

[The Mystery Machine]

How far away does your Grandma live from you? It sounds like your mother is doing all the care right now.

I am just trying to assess how much of the care you have been doing for your Grandma at this point.

 

[wvjules]

I say don't do it.

From trying to read your posts I'm not sure you can actually care for her.

 

[EthansMom]

That is a great option I am glad you thought of it however what if my grandma falls in her apartment is their away she can notify them

In DH's Grandma's one-bedroom place, she had emergency pulls (like you might see in handicapped restrooms) in a few places in the house (bathroom and bedroom, for instance). If/when she pulled them, then they set off an alarm and a nurse would come buy to help. That facility also had organized activities (such as busses to shows, trips to grocery store, bingo night) that really kept Grandma busy.

The facility she is in now (alzheimers wing of an elder facility) has a place Grandma can work (stuffing envelopes) on her good days, has nurses that go by to check on her, food that can be brought to her or she can eat in the cafeteria... so full-time monitored care.

There are also facilities that will send nurses to to check on residents periodically during the course of a day. One of our neighbors growing up moved into a beautiful facility not too long after her husband passed away. She had a lovely apartment, lots of activities, plenty of companionship, and access to more attention (nurses/doctors/etc..) as she might need it. We went to visit her after her move and she was VERY happy.

Some of these places (especially some of the good lower cost ones) have quite a waiting list. But I definitely think it's an option that your family should consider!

Good Luck!

 

[ksumn1]

I think right now there is one very important step you should take. You, your Mom and your DF need to sit down together with a medical profession (dr, nurse, nursing home administrator, home health care worker) someone who knows the system, what type of care your Grandma reequires, what her insurance covers etc. The main point I'm making is that all 3 of you need to be on the same page from here on out.

IMHO, if you're already questioning IF you can handle it, then you probably can't. And that's OK. Being a full time, or even part time care care taker is hard in so many ways. Emotionally, spiritually, physically, financially and definately your relationships. This is a huge decision, one you all need to think about and weigh carefully before you make any decisions.

Good luck to ya'll. So sorry that you have to deal with this. It's very hard to see someone you love suffer.

 

[C.Ann]

I'm having some difficulty reading your posts, but it seems like the main issue centers around money.. However, I'm not understanding why.. Maybe I could ask a few questions and you could answer them one at a time?

Where does grandma live now?

How old is she?

Does she have any income?

Is she receiving any kind of public assistance?

Do you want her to move in with you - or are you going to move in with her?

Why does your mom have to pay for her care?

If you could answer these questions, maybe I could get a better grasp of the situation..

Even under the best of circumstances, this is a HUGE responsibility if she has reached a stage where she can't be left alone and can't care for herself..

 

[bumbershoot]

Before my grandmother broke her hip and she was out of her home long enough for her "reverse mortgage" to kick in (which then meant she stayed in the nursing home), and while she was doing her slow trip into Alzheimers-land, my aunt cared for her 24/7.

My mom kept urging her to hire someone and go get herself certified in elder care, because grandma's medicare would have covered the hired person, and then could have reimbursed my aunt, once she became certified.

So medicare seems to have a provision for paying a hired person...you guys need to check into that.

Being a caregiver is horribly exhausting. Both my husband and I have solidly stated to one another that we NEVER want to put that burden on the other, and that if it came to that, we would be much much happier to be in a nursing home with professional care and frequent visits from the other. It's a noble idea, to care for someone like that, but it's possibly one of the hardest, most taxing, exhausting, self-destructive things one can do, especially if you don't take advantage or have access to a broad network of help.

 

[brittanyherndon]

I'm having some difficulty reading your posts, but it seems like the main issue centers around money.. However, I'm not understanding why.. Maybe I could ask a few questions and you could answer them one at a time?

Where does grandma live now?

How old is she?

Does she have any income?

Is she receiving any kind of public assistance?

Do you want her to move in with you - or are you going to move in with her?

Why does your mom have to pay for her care?

If you could answer these questions, maybe I could get a better grasp of the situation..

Even under the best of circumstances, this is a HUGE responsibility if she has reached a stage where she can't be left alone and can't care for herself..

She lives in Melberne FL
She gets SS
NO
She is going to move in with Mike and I
I don't know who else whould

 

[kaytieeldr]

Okay, I'm simply going to respond to the title of this thread: The right choice is to NOT take the responsibility of caring for your grandmother and her health needs 24/7 for the rest of her life. Period. Get a professional.

 

[C.Ann]

She lives in Melberne FL
She gets SS
NO
She is going to move in with Mike and I
I don't know who else whould

Thank you..

If her only income is SS - and she doesn't own her home - she may very well qualify for some sort of public assistance that would include home care..

Does she live alone?

 

[brittanyherndon]

Thank you..

If her only income is SS - and she doesn't own her home - she may very well qualify for some sort of public assistance that would include home care..

Does she live alone?

right now she does but it is not in her best intreset and I learned that walmart is hiring so that might be extra income if we need to hire a nurse or what ever else that needs money

 

[Pomlover2586]

Ok....I'm going to throw my 2 cents in here. First off NO NO NO you should NOT take on the responsibility of caring for your DGM.

My own grandmother needed full time care for the last year 1/2 of her life and while my uncle stayed with her the majority of the time, my DH [DF at the time] were going down every weekend to give my uncle some much needed time off.

This was a huge strain, both emotionally and physically for myself as well as DH. Towards the end it became far too much and we ended up placing her in an assisted living center where she received THE BEST care imaginable.

She passed away a few months later, and while I'm glad we cared for her as long as we could I often wonder if she would have lived longer had she received professional assistance from day 1.

My uncle was with her Sunday night through Friday evening for a year.......and the stress on him was unimaginable- I thought he was going to have a breakdown at the end.

I'm about your age- a little younger- and I have been married for almost 2 years. I can tell you without a doubt, if DH and I had been the primary caregivers our relationship [and sanity] would have suffered.

You may just be frustrated, anxious etc, and tat could be causing it but your typing and grammar leaves me questioning whether you'd even be able to care for her?

What your talking about undertaking is a full time job- forget working nights/days and switching off- each of you would have 2 jobs essentially and no time for sleep, each other etc.

Please seriously reconsider this- more importantly reconsider what your DGM would want. A full time professionally trained staff who can help her get the care she needs, or her DGD and her Fiance trying to do the job?

The choice is an easy one for me.......I've been there done that......wouldn't do it the same way twice. JMHO

 

[minkydog]

I won't tell you what to do, but I will share with you a slice of my daily life...

I have a beautiful, but very handicapped 14yo son. He has all the strength and size of a normal teenager, but he has the mind of a 1 year old. Because he can do none of his own care, my DH & I do it all. All the dressing, feeding, pouring, wiping, diapering, walking, toileting, bathing, shampooing. Keeping him safe, treating his seizures, giving his meds. It is a 24/7 job. Only recently have we finally been approved by the state for a nurse to come in and help us get him ready for bed at night.

Now I know that my 14yo son is different from your grandmother, but I think the comparison is valid. I don't think,until you're in it, that anyone can understand how much your life will be affected by living with a person who needs constant attention. i'm not telling you this to garner sympathy--I simply want to help you think about the things in your life that will change. Drastically.

When you have full responsibility for another person, you have to consider who will stay with that person and for how long. While you work, you have to either hire a caregiver, or stay home. If you want to go out to dinner, someone has to take care of grandma. If you want to go to the beach on the weekend, you either have to take her with you, or someone else has to stay with her. If you just want a night off...if you are running a fever and vomiting your toenails...if you want to go Christmas shopping...if you want to sleep late, Grandma still has to be cared for.

I will tell you how caring for our son has affected our life. We have had to drop out of church for hte past several years because there were not good accomodations. Our friendships have weakened severely because we simply do not have time for dinner parties, hanging out, going for coffee. Our life is pretty much Wake up-Take care of Christian-Go to bed. Our activities are limited to things that Christian can do. which is not much. Can't take him to a concert, he can't sit still. Can't go hiking in the woods or play ball, he can't do any of that. When we go out to dinner our first thought is not "Pizza or Chinese", it's "What can Christian eat there?" Our kids are the ones who have sacrificed most. As a parent, it's just what you do. But our kids didn't ask for this. They have given up huge chunks of their time and foregone our attention because Christian needed us more. It's a given. He can't help it. BUt it has definitly taken a toll on all our relationships.

I would advise you to talk this over with some trusted adults and really listen to what they have to say. Taking care of an elderly adult is very big responsibility. If we didn't have Christian in school during the day, we would have to place him in a group home. It's simply too much for 2 people to do day after day after day, for 14 years now. I know you said you and your BF would share the responsibility, but really, I don't think yo know what you're volunteering for. Things to think about.

 

[brittanyherndon]

Ok....I'm going to throw my 2 cents in here. First off NO NO NO you should NOT take on the responsibility of caring for your DGM.

My own grandmother needed full time care for the last year 1/2 of her life and while my uncle stayed with her the majority of the time, my DH [DF at the time] were going down every weekend to give my uncle some much needed time off.

This was a huge strain, both emotionally and physically for myself as well as DH. Towards the end it became far too much and we ended up placing her in an assisted living center where she received THE BEST care imaginable.

She passed away a few months later, and while I'm glad we cared for her as long as we could I often wonder if she would have lived longer had she received professional assistance from day 1.

My uncle was with her Sunday night through Friday evening for a year.......and the stress on him was unimaginable- I thought he was going to have a breakdown at the end.

I'm about your age- a little younger- and I have been married for almost 2 years. I can tell you without a doubt, if DH and I had been the primary caregivers our relationship [and sanity] would have suffered.

You may just be frustrated, anxious etc, and tat could be causing it but your typing and grammar leaves me questioning whether you'd even be able to care for her?

What your talking about undertaking is a full time job- forget working nights/days and switching off- each of you would have 2 jobs essentially and no time for sleep, each other etc.

Please seriously reconsider this- more importantly reconsider what your DGM would want. A full time professionally trained staff who can help her get the care she needs, or her DGD and her Fiance trying to do the job?

The choice is an easy one for me.......I've been there done that......wouldn't do it the same way twice. JMHO

I won't tell you what to do, but I will share with you a slice of my daily life...

I have a beautiful, but very handicapped 14yo son. He has all the strength and size of a normal teenager, but he has the mind of a 1 year old. Because he can do none of his own care, my DH & I do it all. All the dressing, feeding, pouring, wiping, diapering, walking, toileting, bathing, shampooing. Keeping him safe, treating his seizures, giving his meds. It is a 24/7 job. Only recently have we finally been approved by the state for a nurse to come in and help us get him ready for bed at night.

Now I know that my 14yo son is different from your grandmother, but I think the comparison is valid. I don't think,until you're in it, that anyone can understand how much your life will be affected by living with a person who needs constant attention. i'm not telling you this to garner sympathy--I simply want to help you think about the things in your life that will change. Drastically.

When you have full responsibility for another person, you have to consider who will stay with that person and for how long. While you work, you have to either hire a caregiver, or stay home. If you want to go out to dinner, someone has to take care of grandma. If you want to go to the beach on the weekend, you either have to take her with you, or someone else has to stay with her. If you just want a night off...if you are running a fever and vomiting your toenails...if you want to go Christmas shopping...if you want to sleep late, Grandma still has to be cared for.

I will tell you how caring for our son has affected our life. We have had to drop out of church for hte past several years because there were not good accomodations. Our friendships have weakened severely because we simply do not have time for dinner parties, hanging out, going for coffee. Our life is pretty much Wake up-Take care of Christian-Go to bed. Our activities are limited to things that Christian can do. which is not much. Can't take him to a concert, he can't sit still. Can't go hiking in the woods or play ball, he can't do any of that. When we go out to dinner our first thought is not "Pizza or Chinese", it's "What can Christian eat there?" Our kids are the ones who have sacrificed most. As a parent, it's just what you do. But our kids didn't ask for this. They have given up huge chunks of their time and foregone our attention because Christian needed us more. It's a given. He can't help it. BUt it has definitly taken a toll on all our relationships.

I would advise you to talk this over with some trusted adults and really listen to what they have to say. Taking care of an elderly adult is very big responsibility. If we didn't have Christian in school during the day, we would have to place him in a group home. It's simply too much for 2 people to do day after day after day, for 14 years now. I know you said you and your BF would share the responsibility, but really, I don't think yo know what you're volunteering for. Things to think about.

I want to thank you both for your input and like I said I am leaning towrds perfesional care but I am going to get a job to help pay for her care if my mom will go for it

 

[Pomlover2586]

::Hugs:: to you MinkyDog. My stepbrother is handicapped and also deals with needing close to constant care. It's a huge undertaking. Bless you for your strength and courage to do it.

 

[pearlieq]

From what you've put out here, it sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.

The kind of care you want to provide for your grandma is hard, back-breaking, heartbreaking work.

You and DH are very young. This is the beginning of your married life together. You would be trying to juggle jobs, a new marriage, financial pressures, and full time care.

Are you really ready to be tied down to 24/7 care? To not be able to go away for the weekend when a friend invites you or even go out to dinner without making prior arrangements?

Are you really ready to have no privacy? How will you have conversations about money, intimacy, and the frustrations of providing care? When you guys need to have a little argument, are you ready to do it with ears listening in? Are you ready to never be able to get carried away on the living room sofa and always feel like you have to stay quiet when you guys should be enjoying your newlywed time?

Are you ready to be run ragged? Have you thought about how much time it takes to get a frail, elderly, or confused person up, out of bed, groomed, fed, pills taken, and settled? Then helped with a shower or to the bathroom? Then a million little things like finding a book, picking up a dropped item, fixing a snack? There will be no uninterrupted time for you to work or make a phone call. You will not get to watch your favorite TV show in peace. It really gets to you after a while.

Are you ready for this to go on for years? People are living much longer these days--even very sick people. She could very likely be with you for quite a while. What might be tolerable for a few months often can't be sustained for years. What about if you have kids?

There has got to be a better solution. Medicaid will pay for supportive living, which will offer her the supervision and help she needs. There are likely adult day care centers that will provide supervision and entertainment during the day. Medicare will pay for a limited amount of home health assistance (mostly bathing, I think) but every little bit helps.

I think your best bet may be to find her a senior living community or supportive living facility. That way you can still pitch in and help her as much as you want without the burnout of live-in caregiving and the damage it very well might do to you and your marriage.

It's a wonderful thing you want to do, but it will be better for everyone if the care is shared. Good luck with whatever you choose.

 

[brittanyherndon]

From what you've put out here, it sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.

The kind of care you want to provide for your grandma is hard, back-breaking, heartbreaking work.

You and DH are very young. This is the beginning of your married life together. You would be trying to juggle jobs, a new marriage, financial pressures, and full time care.

Are you really ready to be tied down to 24/7 care? To not be able to go away for the weekend when a friend invites you or even go out to dinner without making prior arrangements?

Are you really ready to have no privacy? How will you have conversations about money, intimacy, and the frustrations of providing care? When you guys need to have a little argument, are you ready to do it with ears listening in? Are you ready to never be able to get carried away on the living room sofa and always feel like you have to stay quiet when you guys should be enjoying your newlywed time?

Are you ready to be run ragged? Have you thought about how much time it takes to get a frail, elderly, or confused person up, out of bed, groomed, fed, pills taken, and settled? Then helped with a shower or to the bathroom? Then a million little things like finding a book, picking up a dropped item, fixing a snack? There will be no uninterrupted time for you to work or make a phone call. You will not get to watch your favorite TV show in peace. It really gets to you after a while.

Are you ready for this to go on for years? People are living much longer these days--even very sick people. She could very likely be with you for quite a while. What might be tolerable for a few months often can't be sustained for years. What about if you have kids?

There has got to be a better solution. Medicaid will pay for supportive living, which will offer her the supervision and help she needs. There are likely adult day care centers that will provide supervision and entertainment during the day. Medicare will pay for a limited amount of home health assistance (mostly bathing, I think) but every little bit helps.

I think your best bet may be to find her a senior living community or supportive living facility. That way you can still pitch in and help her as much as you want without the burnout of live-in caregiving and the damage it very well might do to you and your marriage.

It's a wonderful thing you want to do, but it will be better for everyone if the care is shared. Good luck with whatever you choose.

you are right I was not thinking of adding that to a already busy schdual

 

[brittanyherndon]

bump

 

[disneyfav4ever]

I only read through the first page, but I don't think two people is enough, especially since you both have jobs as well. You should get someone for at least a few hours a day to come in take care of her, so you can take a break, and maybe someone to clean as well.