what is the right choice

[brittanyherndon]

my grandmother needs supervision 24/7 my fince and I are 24 and 25 and I think we can handle it. Also it will save my mom money and I want to get to know her Should I beag my mom to let me take on the responiblty or should I let my mom put out an ad and spend money we dont have by hiring someone? I know mike and i wil never see eatch other cuse one has to work nights the other day time but I think we can make it work. Am I crazy for wanting to do this? Will it hurt my relationship with Mike? Do you think it will work? I persnoly think it will but convicing my mom Mike and I can do it is another story

 

[RNMOM]

I applaud your wanting to be with your grandmother in this way. You don't say why she needs attention. Is she physically unable to do for herself or is it something like Alzheimers? This will be important in helping you decide.

In our area and in our state, Ohio, there are a number of agencies which can provide minimal amounts of assistance in the home. I have a retired nurse friend who does cleaning and shopping for a few people each week and she gets paid for this. It is a program called "Passport" and is funded by medicaid/medicare I believe. I bet other states have similar programs.

I think the first thing to do is evaluate what she needs and who can do it. Have you asked her doctor or the hospital she goes to if there is a social worker or other person who can come to the home and assess her needs? Passport has case managers who do this as well as other agencies. It shouldn't cost you anything or may be handled through insurance/medicare. I really think if you go into this trying to find a blend of help with your plan to take care of her you can come up with a good plan.

Will you live with her? It would make things much easier as you wouldn't have to run back home for showering/dressing, etc.

Ask for some professional help for an evaluation. Good luck and let us know how it goes. Don't forget to include your mom in all these plans and evals.

 

[Acklander]

That's a mighty big commitment you're thinking about. Why does it have to be all or nothing? Maybe offer to help out 1 or 2 days a week and see how it goes.

 

[brittanyherndon]

I am afried of the cost like i said am affired neirter I nor my mom have the money for any care and she has seziers and she falls alot in her home. but if the care cost next to notheing I don't see why mike and I can't get help taking care of her and I don't know her Dr at all my mom has been taking her considering Mie nor I drive. We take the bus to get around plus I think it is important that she is arond family. How ever would she be able to get used to living with mike and i or would that make things worse in my heart says to let my mom get profesonal help but I can't help worying about the cost money is such a streser but will it bet more stress to have her live with us Mike thinks it will be a big responinblity so is it worth it

 

[dakcp2001]

Who is caring for her now? ANd is your DF on board with this plan? I think it entails far more then you realize. I think you should go and spend a week with your grandmother wherever she is now and see what goes into her care round the clock. And bear in mind that she will need more. I think you need to evaluate what kind of care she needs, and be sure she is getting it from someone properly trained to do so.

How old is she?
WHat are her medical issues?
Do you have any medical training at all? CPR?
Do you know what to do in an emergency, can you be level headed?
Do you realize this could be a commitment that lasts for decades?
CAn you afford to have the help you will need? VNAs and CNAs?
Who will watch her when you work?
What if you and your DF are both at work? Who will be there?
What if you have children?
Then where will grandma go?
Can you afford to care for another person?

 

[The Mystery Machine]

my grandmother needs supervision 24/7 my fince and I are 24 and 25 and I think we can handle it. Also it will save my mom money and I want to get to know her Should I beag my mom to let me take on the responiblty or should I let my mom put out an ad and spend money we dont have by hiring someone? I know mike and i wil never see eatch other cuse one has to work nights the other day time but I think we can make it work. Am I crazy for wanting to do this? Will it hurt my relationship with Mike? Do you think it will work? I persnoly think it will but convicing my mom Mike and I can do it is another story

I am afried of the cost like i said am affired neirter I nor my mom have the money for any care and she has seziers and she falls alot in her home. but if the care cost next to notheing I don't see why mike and I can't get help taking care of her and I don't know her Dr at all my mom has been taking her considering Mie nor I drive. We take the bus to get around plus I think it is important that she is arond family. How ever would she be able to get used to living with mike and i or would that make things worse in my heart says to let my mom get profesonal help but I can't help worying about the cost money is such a streser but will it bet more stress to have her live with us Mike thinks it will be a big responinblity so is it worth it

How much of her care have you and your boyfriend been doing already? Sounds like you are already busy.

I think you should listen to your mom and Mike.

 

[minniebeth]

Being full-time caretakers for someone in your Grandmother's position is a huge responsibility and puts lots of strain in many ways on you. I would try to find a balance of care for her for you to help, but not take it all on. It is very loving of you to want to care for her and help your mother out as well.
Best wishes to you for whatever you decide to do...

 

[FormrCastMbr]

It is a big responsibility and will probably be a huge strain, especially since you are busy already. It is wonderful that you want to help but I would try a couple days a week first then see how it goes.

My Mother recently had to move in with my sister due to health reasons an it is a bigger job than we all thought. We are now talking about a nursing home which we hate to do but she would have care around the clock and interaction with others.

Good luck with making your decision.

 

[Eeyore'sthebest]

Caring for a grandparent full time is a HUGE responsibility. I applaud you that you want to take on this task but there are numerous things to consider for both you and your DF. And this point is VERY important. He needs to be on board with this 100%. If he is not and is only doing this for you, the amount of care that is required will put a huge strain on your relationship.

So here is what I think from years of experience:
1) You both need to be willing to clean up accidents that you DGM may have. I'm not talking spilled coffee or food. I'm talking bowel movements or incontinence. This is huge since she has seizures. She probably loses control and will need to be cleaned. Is your DF willing to do this?

2) You need to make sure she takes her medications on a daily basis.

3) You need to make sure she goes to the doctor. You will probably need to stay on top of making those appointments, figuring out how to get her there and staying with her while there.

4) Does she have any mobility issues? Can she walk around without assistance? If not, is someone willing to get up with her in the middle of the night to take her to the bathroom? To help her during the day?

5) Is someone going to take her out during the day to run errands, get out of the house, go for a walk? Or is she going to sit and watch television all day?

6) What happens when her health deteriorates? Are you and DF going to take on that responsibility? Because let me tell you that is huge!!

OP, I'm not trying to sound harsh. My DGM moved in with us when I was 3 months old. She was fit and healthy and able to function. It was an economical decision at that time. Then when I was a teenager her health started to deteriorate. It sucks having to watch someone you love go downhill on a daily basis. I had parents that did everything they could to make her life comfortable and that included hiring sitters so we could take family vacations. We all changed diapers towards the end, helped her get out of bed, fed her meals and I even asked her if she wanted to go to the hospital or stay home when death was imminent. I was 23. I can still cry just thinking about it. I held her hand when she died. I wouldn't change a minute of it. But during that time, if my parents wanted to go out I would babysit for the night. Yep, a 22 year old babysitting their DGM.

However, when my other DGP's started to need full time care I told my parents that I couldn't handle it a second time. My parents had been relocated to CO and DGPs were in MA. Both of them had strokes. Care was just too much and it is heartbreaking. I took care of them for about 10 days until we were able to get 24 hour help. It is very expensive and it turned out that the nursing home was a better alternative for them.

OP, I truly applaud your desire to take care of your DGM. But please for your own mental health and the relationship with your DF, think long and hard about this decision. Good luck with whatever you decide.

 

[happygirl]

This is a huge responblility you have to be willing to give up your lives for your grandmother. Is this something that your finacee wants to do or just wants to please you? You have to think what happens if you got sick and he had to take care of your grandmother could he bathe her, get her dressed would he be comfortable with that?

 

[puffkin]

My Grandmother has alzheimers and still lives at home with my Grandfather. My Aunt and Mom help out as much as they can, but my grandfather will not accept any help from agencies or things like that (even for just an afternoon out to run errands, etc). My uncles help occassionally, but not much. I have personally watched the stress and emotions of this situation tear my family apart and they are really just hanging on by a thread. I don't know if you realize how CONSTANT the care is that your grandmother will need. Think of it like caring for a baby, except that this baby can walk and talk. It is a 24/7 commitment.

I think what you want to do is a noble thing, but I think you should also look at what it will do to your relationship. Maybe helping out a few days a week would be a better option?

 

[mjkacmom]

My grandmother had a full time live-in, but my mom still did a lot, and it took a toll on her. I know you want to help, but you are seriously risking your relationship with DF, especially if he's not on board.

 

[brittanyherndon]

It is a big responsibility and will probably be a huge strain, especially since you are busy already. It is wonderful that you want to help but I would try a couple days a week first then see how it goes.

My Mother recently had to move in with my sister due to health reasons an it is a bigger job than we all thought. We are now talking about a nursing home which we hate to do but she would have care around the clock and interaction with others.
that is something that we did not think of

Good luck with making your decision.

Caring for a grandparent full time is a HUGE responsibility. I applaud you that you want to take on this task but there are numerous things to consider for both you and your DF. And this point is VERY important. He needs to be on board with this 100%. If he is not and is only doing this for you, the amount of care that is required will put a huge strain on your relationship.

So here is what I think from years of experience:
1) You both need to be willing to clean up accidents that you DGM may have. I'm not talking spilled coffee or food. I'm talking bowel movements or incontinence. This is huge since she has seizures. She probably loses control and will need to be cleaned. Is your DF willing to do this?

2) You need to make sure she takes her medications on a daily basis.

3) You need to make sure she goes to the doctor. You will probably need to stay on top of making those appointments, figuring out how to get her there and staying with her while there.

4) Does she have any mobility issues? Can she walk around without assistance? If not, is someone willing to get up with her in the middle of the night to take her to the bathroom? To help her during the day?

5) Is someone going to take her out during the day to run errands, get out of the house, go for a walk? Or is she going to sit and watch television all day?

6) What happens when her health deteriorates? Are you and DF going to take on that responsibility? Because let me tell you that is huge!!

OP, I'm not trying to sound harsh. My DGM moved in with us when I was 3 months old. She was fit and healthy and able to function. It was an economical decision at that time. Then when I was a teenager her health started to deteriorate. It sucks having to watch someone you love go downhill on a daily basis. I had parents that did everything they could to make her life comfortable and that included hiring sitters so we could take family vacations. We all changed diapers towards the end, helped her get out of bed, fed her meals and I even asked her if she wanted to go to the hospital or stay home when death was imminent. I was 23. I can still cry just thinking about it. I held her hand when she died. I wouldn't change a minute of it. But during that time, if my parents wanted to go out I would babysit for the night. Yep, a 22 year old babysitting their DGM.

However, when my other DGP's started to need full time care I told my parents that I couldn't handle it a second time. My parents had been relocated to CO and DGPs were in MA. Both of them had strokes. Care was just too much and it is heartbreaking. I took care of them for about 10 days until we were able to get 24 hour help. It is very expensive and it turned out that the nursing home was a better alternative for them.

OP, I truly applaud your desire to take care of your DGM. But please for your own mental health and the relationship with your DF, think long and hard about this decision. Good luck with whatever you decide.

and it is a lot of points I did not consider is thier a ornization that can help my mom and I finincly and not to be selfish but I can not live with out my DF

 

[barkley]

i just want to share something you need to consider-

you mention that between you and your df that one of you works nites and the other days. that means that the person who works nites, instead of being able to sleep during the day (which seems to be the norm with nite shifters) is going to have to stay up to care for your grandmother which could lead to exhaustion for that person and non par care for grandma. the person who works days could find their sleep at night is compromised as well-it's not unusual for the elderly and esp. ill elderly to get into nocturnal waking habits (my mom is in assisted living and can go for weeks and months on end where she reverses her sleep patterns and naps all day/stays up all night, mil does the same periodically).

another consideration is the lack of either of you driving-elderly people in ill health can have a myriad of doctors appointments which unless someone else in the family can provide transportation or you have door to door medical transportation available could be difficult to faciliate without a car (it's one thing for healthy adults to use the bus, another for an elderly woman prone to falling-in poor weather is it realy feasable to get her to/from a bus and does that bus even go near her medical providers?). medical issues don't always come up when bus service is running so you would need to figure out how to facilitate her transportation outside those hours.

what happens if one of you falls ill-will the other be able to take the day/nite off from work to care for grandma? and if it's something communicable is your home such you could reasonably keep grandma separated (we had swine flu in our home last week so this is a timely issue we've had to deal with concerning members of our household).

if you want a good general idea of what it takes to be a full time caretaker for an elderly/ill person go to your state's adult services website and see what is required of those who choose to open adult family homes. it shows the kind of minimum training and skills your state says a person who will provide full time care/supervision (not skilled medical-just general) for someone like your grandmother needs.

 

[brittanyherndon]

i just want to share something you need to consider-

you mention that between you and your df that one of you works nites and the other days. that means that the person who works nites, instead of being able to sleep during the day (which seems to be the norm with nite shifters) is going to have to stay up to care for your grandmother which could lead to exhaustion for that person and non par care for grandma. the person who works days could find their sleep at night is compromised as well-it's not unusual for the elderly and esp. ill elderly to get into nocturnal waking habits (my mom is in assisted living and can go for weeks and months on end where she reverses her sleep patterns and naps all day/stays up all night, mil does the same periodically).

another consideration is the lack of either of you driving-elderly people in ill health can have a myriad of doctors appointments which unless someone else in the family can provide transportation or you have door to door medical transportation available could be difficult to faciliate without a car (it's one thing for healthy adults to use the bus, another for an elderly woman prone to falling-in poor weather is it realy feasable to get her to/from a bus and does that bus even go near her medical providers?). medical issues don't always come up when bus service is running so you would need to figure out how to facilitate her transportation outside those hours.

what happens if one of you falls ill-will the other be able to take the day/nite off from work to care for grandma? and if it's something communicable is your home such you could reasonably keep grandma separated (we had swine flu in our home last week so this is a timely issue we've had to deal with concerning members of our household).

if you want a good general idea of what it takes to be a full time caretaker for an elderly/ill person go to your state's adult services website and see what is required of those who choose to open adult family homes. it shows the kind of minimum training and skills your state says a person who will provide full time care/supervision (not skilled medical-just general) for someone like your grandmother needs.

okay I said the way it will have to work if my grandma moves in with us one will work nights the other day so someone is always with my grandma and we won't have to hire someone to watch her this serves to purpesies one I don't want to insluet my grandma by hiring some one to care for her another reason is it will save us money Mike and I have a car service that can transport us to the DR and I can drive I just choice not to but that is another story also with my choisen profesion I can work from home or at the hospital that is part of why I choice to do what I am doing becuse before this mike and i were considering being foster parents and do mike and I need training to care for a family member

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I have never been one to make health care decisions on money alone. Sometimes, saving money is not the healthiest choice.

This will be trying for you and DF. I would hope that you don't get into a mindset that "if he can't handle it, he isn't worth marrying". B/c taking care of an adult 24/7 is a TALL order.

I have no personal experience. I do know that family members who were grandparents themselves did a slow process with their own mother. First they visited her often in her apartment, then they moved her into their home and eventually they moved her into a nursing facility. She had alzheimer's. She just passed recently.

This will consume your life. It's one thing if you know it is their end days. But if they have a prognosis of many years to live, it will consume your life.

You have to weigh carefully if it is worth putting your life on hold to do that. B/c that is what will happen.

You seem very very focused on the money. I'm assuming she is classified disabled and I'm assuming she no longer works and is without insurance.

If she is on medicaid or medicare, there are ways for you to have care provided for her, that won't be as taxing on your life.

Step back from the financial prospect and see what you would do if money wasn't an issue. If you would still personally care for her, then step forward. If you would not, that is your heart telling you that you want her to have something better than you can offer.

Sometimes we get blinded by the cost of things and often that is to the detriment of our well being. It isn't an all or nothing deal.

She may not be able to stay at the Ritz Carlton of nursing facilities, but if your grandmother has medicaid or medicare, she is not without options.

 

[brittanyherndon]

I have never been one to make health care decisions on money alone. Sometimes, saving money is not the healthiest choice.

This will be trying for you and DF. I would hope that you don't get into a mindset that "if he can't handle it, he isn't worth marrying". B/c taking care of an adult 24/7 is a TALL order.

I have no personal experience. I do know that family members who were grandparents themselves did a slow process with their own mother. First they visited her often in her apartment, then they moved her into their home and eventually they moved her into a nursing facility. She had alzheimer's. She just passed recently.

This will consume your life. It's one thing if you know it is their end days. But if they have a prognosis of many years to live, it will consume your life.

You have to weigh carefully if it is worth putting your life on hold to do that. B/c that is what will happen.

You seem very very focused on the money. I'm assuming she is classified disabled and I'm assuming she no longer works and is without insurance.

If she is on medicaid or medicare, there are ways for you to have care provided for her, that won't be as taxing on your life.

Step back from the financial prospect and see what you would do if money wasn't an issue. If you would still personally care for her, then step forward. If you would not, that is your heart telling you that you want her to have something better than you can offer.

Sometimes we get blinded by the cost of things and often that is to the detriment of our well being. It isn't an all or nothing deal.

She may not be able to stay at the Ritz Carlton of nursing facilities, but if your grandmother has medicaid or medicare, she is not without options.

I know it seems like all I care about is money however that is one of my biggest stressers but you are right it is not about the money and that I don't know who is more important my grandma or my DF I finaly landed the perfect guy but my grandma is family can I find someone else and I know that should be the least of my worries

 

[HM]

A very nice sentiment. But, No, you should not do it. You are dreaming if you think that this will work out for all of you. Sorry.

 

[brittanyherndon]

A very nice sentiment. But, No, you should not do it. You are dreaming if you think that this will work out for all of you. Sorry.

you are right I am a dreamer my dream is to save the world and yet I know it is not realistic however I can apply for a job I have 1 or 2 on my list and I can give the paycheck to my mom to pay who ever my mom hires

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

you are right I am a dreamer my dream is to save the world and yet I know it is not realistic however I can apply for a job I have 1 or 2 on my list and I can give the paycheck to my mom to pay who ever my mom hires

I think that what may be helpful is if you knew someone locally who is doing what you would like to do and go and either help them for the day (if they are open to it) or discuss what all goes into caring for that family member.


In addition--one thing has not been mentioned is your personal costs going towards the care of grandma in your home. Is it something your budget can even support. I.e. if you cannot afford her care items that aren't covered by any insurance as well as the extra mouth to feed, that too is an issue.


I may have missed your post, but why is your mother not offering to care for her own mother?