What is proper sympathy gift from coworkers... updated with answer from Allexperts.c

[Keli]

If the family seems to be able to handle the funeral expenses easily or if you know there was substantial insurance to cover funeral costs then I wouldn't give anything besides flowers and/or food.
But if for some reason I suspect this funeral will be a hardship on the family then I tend to want to give them money instead.
Funerals are so expensive and I think helping take the financial pressures off of the family in the time of the grief is worth a lot to them.

 

[Pumbaa_]

Can I say how tired I am of getting hit up for donations at work? These things seem to happen in cycles.

3 women at work over the last 2 months have had to have surgery and be out of work for 2-6 weeks each. For each one, an email went out to collect money for them. One woman works in a different state! But since the list goes around, everyone knows who contributes or doesn't. Not worth the gossip to not throw in some money.

I would draw the line at the buildings cleaning lady. ok, rant off.

For co-workers, I am in the give the family a plant group.

 

[EthansMom]

If the family seems to be able to handle the funeral expenses easily or if you know there was substantial insurance to cover funeral costs then I wouldn't give anything besides flowers and/or food.
But if for some reason I suspect this funeral will be a hardship on the family then I tend to want to give them money instead.
Funerals are so expensive and I think helping take the financial pressures off of the family in the time of the grief is worth a lot to them.

This is what I would do too.

 

[dahirsh]

I have never heard of giving cash for funerals. Flowers, food, cards, condolences and maybe a donation to charity in the deceased person's name are what I see around here.

Denae

What she said.

 

[Tink&SquirtsMom]

My dd's teacher's dh recently passed away VERY unexpectedly and we took up a collection for restaurant gift certificates. We got her several for different places that would cover dinner for her and her dd (a student at the school), and some that would cover groups of people, if she wanted to get out with friends.

I remember reading that dinner time can be an especially hard time when one loses a spouse (the time they would usually be coming home for dinner), and we thought they might like to just get out every once awhile without the financial burden (especially with half the income gone). I believe the PTA gave her a financial gift also, and the families from her dd's class are bringing her meals for the first month.

When Dh's Grandma lost her dh of 50 years the most practical condolense gift she got was the donation of a housekeeper, who came and cleaned her house prior to the funeral (people gathered there afterwards) and came back following the gathering.

 

[leafette]

My dd's teacher's dh recently passed away VERY unexpectedly and we took up a collection for restaurant gift certificates. We got her several for different places that would cover dinner for her and her dd (a student at the school), and some that would cover groups of people, if she wanted to get out with friends.

I remember reading that dinner time can be an especially hard time when one loses a spouse (the time they would usually be coming home for dinner), and we thought they might like to just get out every once awhile without the financial burden (especially with half the income gone).

What a thoughtful gift!

 

[Pin Wizard]

A plant or a fruit basket would be a good choice. I still hate flowers 15 years later.

 

[tt202]

I'm aware this is an old post, but since it's at the top of my google search for 'what to give a coworker when there's a death in the family' I thought I would give my two cents.

If you know the person personally, you check in with them and ask if there's anything you can do that will help? Based on the answer, that is what you do. Or specifically let them know what things you can help with. Usually what helps is obviously money, or sending flower arrangements for the funeral, meals. Nowadays if monetary donations are needed, someone would have started a gofundme page and you can donate there. Another thing you can do is put yourself in that persons shoes and think about things that you would need in a situation like that. If you don't know them personally, I would give them a card/giftcard. As far as sending flowers/plants to the house. I wouldn't do that unless you know this person loves those things. When my friends mom passed away, they received a lot of plants/flowers at their doorstep and didn't have a clue what to do with them or the energy to care for them. But all in all, any little thing will help.

For the guy saying that he would draw the line at donating to the buildings cleaning lady. Why would she be any less deserving? Unlike you there may be people in the building that actually associate with and have developed a bond with her. Therefore they sympathize with her. Also if you don't feel the need to donate to a coworkers "funeral fund" that's your personal choice. You shouldn't feel obligated to do it because 'it's not worth the gossip if you don't'. Usually when people give, they do it from their heart. If funds are super tight and you just don't have it, that's understanding.

 

[Disney Doll]

I have heard of people giving money especially if it appears the funeral expenses will cause hardship.

If they request a donation to a charity I donate.

Doing something for a funeral is a choice, not a necessity.

 

[ronandannette]

(Yes, this is a zombie thread - got it, thanks.)

There's a difference between wanting to do what is socially acceptable in this situation or wanting to genuinely help somebody you care about at an awful time in life. For the former, usually in cases where you don't know the person well or have any personal relationship, etiquette would dictate a card, flowers or a donation to any specified charity. For the latter, you find out what the person's actual needs are and pitch in - be it money, sitting and holding their hand, shovelling the sidewalk - whatever.

And if being asked to give or serve offends you, simply decline.

 

[mummabear]

ummm... okay, this is just IMO, but when we're talking about a death, I don't understand why the person who is in mourning can't request anything that they might want. It might be weird, you might not get it, but whatever, they're in mourning. It's kind of cruel and disrespectful IMO to question whether it's "tacky" or not . A painting -- yes, it's really weird. An envelope of cash -- I'd assume she has to pay for the burial expenses and whatnot. Who knows? But it's pretty tacky to worry about whether something a bereaved person might want is "tacky".

I'm sure this is a cultural or generational thing but I don't understand how death in the family=gift at all.
I understand flowers or food, I understand money IF the relationship is such that they are paying for the funeral (spouse parents etc) but your DIL dies and you want a painting um no.

 

[mummabear]

ummm... okay, this is just IMO, but when we're talking about a death, I don't understand why the person who is in mourning can't request anything that they might want. It might be weird, you might not get it, but whatever, they're in mourning. It's kind of cruel and disrespectful IMO to question whether it's "tacky" or not . A painting -- yes, it's really weird. An envelope of cash -- I'd assume she has to pay for the burial expenses and whatnot. Who knows? But it's pretty tacky to worry about whether something a bereaved person might want is "tacky".

Triple post

 

[mummabear]

ummm... okay, this is just IMO, but when we're talking about a death, I don't understand why the person who is in mourning can't request anything that they might want. It might be weird, you might not get it, but whatever, they're in mourning. It's kind of cruel and disrespectful IMO to question whether it's "tacky" or not . A painting -- yes, it's really weird. An envelope of cash -- I'd assume she has to pay for the burial expenses and whatnot. Who knows? But it's pretty tacky to worry about whether something a bereaved person might want is "tacky".

Double
Post

 

[scrapquitler]

The most disturbing thing, IMHO, is collecting cash and giving it to the coworker whose relative has passed away. This is what my building is doing for our cleaning lady (this is what she asked for). But I guess this may be better than the time, the cleaning lady's DIL was killed (she was the drunk driver) and we had to put in money to buy a painting for her dining room (she also asked for this). While I have no problem contributing to flowers or other appropriate bereavement gift - including meals from Honeybaked Ham or whatever -- I think it is just tacky to give someone an envelope full of money. Moreover, who gets to decide who gets the cash and who gets flowers? A secretary's mother died last month, she got a potted plant from the building. I am really confused.

Calling Emily Post devotees -- is giving cash in an envelope proper?


THIS IS THE ANSWER IS RECEIVED TODAY FROM Allexperts.com IF ANYONE CARES

http://www.allexperts.com/user.cgi?m=6&catID=2570&qID=4634813

Giving cash seems completely practical to me, especially if someone was killed or died unexpectedly and without enough funds to pay for the funeral. The idea of giving someone a painting as a bereavement gift seems really weird to me. While flowers or a dinner are a nice gesture, they don't help alleviate the hardship to the family of the deceased.

 

[MIGrandma]

A plant or a fruit basket would be a good choice. I still hate flowers 15 years later.

I say no to plants. My Mom passed away last month and several plants (and flowers) were sent to the funeral home even though I said "in lieu of flowers donations can be given to the Senior Center." The flowers were beautiful, then they die and you're done with them. Plants you have to keep alive, or at least try to if you don't have a green thumb. I only saved one of the plants, gave all the rest away to other family members. I hope I can keep it alive, but if not I'll try not to feel too guilty about it.

As for the one requesting a certain painting for their home, I don't really understand that either. I totally get giving cash to help with funeral costs, or gift cards for meals, food, etc. but an actual "gift" like a painting? Not so much.