What is family?

[kc73]

My brother, who has been divorced twice, is now dating a girl & is living with her. He has custody of his daughter, and his girlfriend has 2 daughters. All three girls are about the same age. My brother & his girlfriend have fought since they've been together & my family (mom, dad & twin brother) don't really expect things to last, just going by things my brothers has said.

My mother sent Christmas presents up to OK, where they live. My brother's girlfriend is offended that my parents didn't send as many presents to her daughters as she sent to my brother's daughter (my mom's granddaughter). She calls my house Christmas Eve where we are all celebrating & tells my mom & dad they are not welcome to come to their house anymore & see their granddaughter. My brother is backing her up. Makes for a great holiday.

Anyway, what is family? My husband & I say they are family after they are married & will be treated as such after a ceremony. We all bought presents for the girls, but not as many as for our niece. Thoughts?

 

[Pop Daddy]

they have to be married, look like you, or be rich to be considered family

 

[Chuck S]

"Family" is what works best in each individuals family. For instance, in our family, we had a situation where my Aunt (who had a son by a previous marriage) married a man with custody of his two daughters from a previous marriage. My grandparents always gave gifts to the daughters, but not as "nice" a gifts as they bought the son. The "other" grandparents did the same thing, so it evened out, and no one felt slighted. If the paternal grandparents of his girlfriends children are involved in their lives, I see no reason why it couldn't work in a similar manner.

However, if they have no contact at all with their paternal grandparents, your parents may consider being more equal. It really depends on the individual circumstances.

 

[minkydog]

they have to be married, look like you, or be rich to be considered family

Well, we have a 19yo foster son in our midst who isn't rich and doesn't look like us,but we fixed him a stocking and bought some presents anyway. He has a family which he sees periodically(he just can't live with them). I sent my other foster son18 to the Air Force in November, so I sent him an applesauce cake, which his CO locked up for a leetle too long Good thing there were some Oreos & candy canes in there, too. He called me last night, using one of his three alloted phone calls, to wish me Merry Christmas. I'd say these boys are family, at least for now.

 

[safetymom]

You don't need to be married to be a family.

I also am part of a group of widow/widowers that I consider to be my family. They have offered more support and love than many members of my family.

If it is obvious that you aren't gifting at the same level that could cause hard feelings.

 

[kc73]

they have to be married, look like you, or be rich to be considered family

That's what I tried telling my brother!

 

[disykat]

While I think it depends on the family, I did not consider my SIL "family" until she and my brother got married even though they lived together first.

 

[Disney Doll]

I have people that I consider more my family than some people to whom I am related by blood.

In the case of children, steps etc. I would probably nto treat the children any different because they cannot help who their parents are.

The GF is also outof line for making the declaration that your parents cannot see their GC anymore. And your brother is a wuss for backing her up.

Give it time. If she's as much of a witch as you say, when they break up he'll come crawling back.

 

[SillyMe]

If they are living together, they are in a committed relationship, they are family. That being said, the girlfriend was totally out of line calling your parents like that.

 

[PrincessKitty1]

It's too hard to explain to kids why one of the children received more gifts than the other two. Considering they all live in the same house, I do think it could be considered insensitive to send one child more gifts than the other two.

"Family" is whomever you choose. Obviously, your brother considers his girlfriend and her kids part of his family. Insisting she is not YOUR family until there's a ceremony is only going to create more hard feelings.

 

[ClarabelleCowFan]

Well your brother's girlfriend is sure acting like some members of my family!

Not including my DDs the people I feel closest to (and spend more money on gifts for) are not blood relatives. You cant pick your family but you can pick your friends. I prefer to spend my money on the ones I care about the most - and that is NOT my family!

 

[kc73]

Thanks for the replies, everyone. It's good to see an un-biased viewpoint.

I do agree that this gf was out of line telling my parents what she did. My mom ended up crying, dad's blood pressure went up, etc.

I love my brother, but I have to agree that he is being a "wuss". He doesn't have the backbone that the rest of the family inherited. I don't want to hurt those girls' feelings..my niece was here when she opened her presents from us. The other girls' presents were to have been sent up there on the next trip. They don't come down here, so I've only met them once.

Maybe they will break up soon, or maybe if they do get married, that'll be justice enough. Control freak vs. wuss boy...

 

[KAMLEM]

How well does your mother know these other children? If she doesn't even know them that well then I don't think she did anything wrong.

 

[kc73]

How well does your mother know these other children? If she doesn't even know them that well then I don't think she did anything wrong.

She has met them 3 times since last March. They haven't spent much time together at all. My parents have nothing at all against the girls & certainly didn't want to hurt them. They did send them presents, just not the amount that they sent to my niece.

When my brother separated from his wife & got the divorce, it was ugly..she cheated on him, didn't care about where her daughter was, etc. My bro & niece moved in with my parents. My brother worked very long hours & my mother ended up being more of a mom, (doing homework, playing, discipline, taking her to counseling, etc.) instead of being a grandma. They have a very, very close relationship. Nothing compared to the "relationship" with these other 2 girls.

 

[KAMLEM]

I don't think your mother was wrong. She has a special relationship with her niece and she is entitled to treat her how she wants, especially when your brother and his girlfriend are just living together.

 

[Stitchfans]

The gf was wrong, and very rude. She needs some lessons in manners. If and when they are married, then the girls if together should have fairly close amount of gifts cause yes it could cause hurt feelings if one has a lot more than the others.

We had that happen for years with my ex husband's parents. When DD25 was small her one cousin who was the only male at the time always got tons more presents than all the 3 girl cousins combined. There was 3 little girls with hurt feelings. So sad, and so wrong.

 

[tmt martins]

1st it's NOT the childrens fault that they are even in this situation.

2nd think of how those other kids felt when she got to open all that extra stuff.

If you can't or don't feel thing are equal then in my opinion you have to find a way to separate from the situation Have brother bring his kid for a special visit to grams.

Brother will always side with her because he has to live with HER NOW and you all will always be his family she could become number 3or4 what ever he is up to.

 

[simba928]

As a previous poster said, I think it depends on what works best within each family. My uncle's ex-wife moved out-of-state with their kids (my uncle's and his ex-wife's kids I mean), got remarried and had 3 kids with her new husband. My grandmother sent the 3 other kids gifts for every occasion that she sent her 2 grandchildren gifts. And keep in mind that my grandmother has NEVER met any of the 3 children nor has she even talked to them over the phone. Granted, she does send her grankids much nicer gifts. She also gives my uncle's fiance's 2 youngest kids gifts. They aren't as nice as the gifts she gives me and my brother, but they are very nice, thoughtful gifts. This year, she bought the boy a DVD player and the girl a gift card. I think your brother's girlfriend should be thankful that you guys send her daughter's gifts at all. Your family is being very generous by giving them things. You don't need to get them anything at all. And she has no right to deny your family the right to see your niece.