What does love "feel like" to you?

[MELSMICE]

DD & I were having a conversation last night. Nine months ago she broke up with her long term boyfriend of over 5 years. They started dating when she was 15 so they were very young.

Since breaking up she has dated at least a dozen guys. Some she's had quite a few dates with, others were just coffee at Starbucks & that was enough she said! Two of them she was interested in, but they were pretty fickle about seeing her - on their terms & then when she backed off & wouldn't give them the time of day they started to show interest again. They could both pass for Abercrombie models & knew it. (they actually both worked there)

She met another boy recently & has dated him numerous times. When they first met she said she really, really liked him for many different reasons. He seems to be a good genuine kid, very respectful of her & also to DH & myself when he comes to pick her up.

I asked her again last night how things were going with him & she said good, but she doesn't know if she wants to "date" him exclusively. I guess what they're doing now is called "hanging out". You know how those dating terms change. When I was younger & you were dating someone exclusively you were "going out".

Anyway, I asked what her thoughts were because she had told me she really liked this boy. She said that she did like him a lot & she definitely wanted to keep "hanging out" but wasn't sure about the dating exclusively yet & if he were to ask her she wasn't sure what she would say. After dating someone for over 5 years, I get that. Plus, she started her senior year in college today & wants to "leave her options open". LOL

So, we got to talking about how you feel about someone & how it feels to love someone. She said she had butterflies when she met her long term boyfriend & had some flutters when she met the Abercrombie wannabees. (her exBF also could have passed for an Abercrombie model & worked there too - do you see a pattern!)

I told her that I didn't think love meant butterflies, stars & fireworks. I told her that I didn't immediately fall in love with her father, my DH. In fact, we met, I gave him my phone number, we dated & I didn't feel attracted to him at all. It was through a date that I didn't even want to go on that I finally realized I did like him & would give him a shot.

There were no butterflies or fireworks for me at the time, but now he's the one that I couldn't live without. When I see him come downstairs dressed for an appointment I see this handsome man that I love with all my heart & soul. I'm not sure when I "fell in love" with him, but I do know that I did during the process of us getting to know each other & go through the dating process.

I told her that I don't think she's ready to make a commitment right now anyway. I also feel part of that reason is because she's afraid of the hurt she'll feel again if things didn't work out. She has had contact with the exBF & each time she does it causes that old pain to return again. BTW - she broke up with him.

Anyway, after my long winded post, what is love to you? Was it butterflies & fireworks right from the beginning or did you fall in love over time?

 

[MerMom60_94]

DD & I were having a conversation last night. Nine months ago she broke up with her long term boyfriend of over 5 years. They started dating when she was 15 so they were very young.

Since breaking up she has dated at least a dozen guys. Some she's had quite a few dates with, others were just coffee at Starbucks & that was enough she said! Two of them she was interested in, but they were pretty fickle about seeing her - on their terms & then when she backed off & wouldn't give them the time of day they started to show interest again. They could both pass for Abercrombie models & knew it. (they actually both worked there)

She met another boy recently & has dated him numerous times. When they first met she said she really, really liked him for many different reasons. He seems to be a good genuine kid, very respectful of her & also to DH & myself when he comes to pick her up.

I asked her again last night how things were going with him & she said good, but she doesn't know if she wants to "date" him exclusively. I guess what they're doing now is called "hanging out". You know how those dating terms change. When I was younger & you were dating someone exclusively you were "going out".

Anyway, I asked what her thoughts were because she had told me she really liked this boy. She said that she did like him a lot & she definitely wanted to keep "hanging out" but wasn't sure about the dating exclusively yet & if he were to ask her she wasn't sure what she would say. After dating someone for over 5 years, I get that. Plus, she started her senior year in college today & wants to "leave her options open". LOL

So, we got to talking about how you feel about someone & how it feels to love someone. She said she had butterflies when she met her long term boyfriend & had some flutters when she met the Abercrombie wannabees. (her exBF also could have passed for an Abercrombie model & worked there too - do you see a pattern!)

I told her that I didn't think love meant butterflies, stars & fireworks. I told her that I didn't immediately fall in love with her father, my DH. In fact, we met, I gave him my phone number, we dated & I didn't feel attracted to him at all. It was through a date that I didn't even want to go on that I finally realized I did like him & would give him a shot.

There were no butterflies or fireworks for me at the time, but now he's the one that I couldn't live without. When I see him come downstairs dressed for an appointment I see this handsome man that I love with all my heart & soul. I'm not sure when I "fell in love" with him, but I do know that I did during the process of us getting to know each other & go through the dating process.

I told her that I don't think she's ready to make a commitment right now anyway. I also feel part of that reason is because she's afraid of the hurt she'll feel again if things didn't work out. She has had contact with the exBF & each time she does it causes that old pain to return again. BTW - she broke up with him.

Anyway, after my long winded post, what is love to you? Was it butterflies & fireworks right from the beginning or did you fall in love over time?

When I started dating DH it was January 1979. He was a nice guy but not "my type". He was, at the time, very shy and quiet and blushed if you looked at him. He was very gentlemanly and I was still into the bad boys (I was only 18). He was so nice, though, that I couldn't bring myself to hurt his feelings and still went out with him. Round about April it occurred to me that he really was a nice guy and why wouldn't he be my type? Maybe I needed to rethink my type and give this guy a chance. I love him more and more every year. He eventually broke out of his shyness and he has such a fun sense of humor. He loves to tease me and make me laugh and he is a very loving, devoted, compassionate person. I can't imagine my life without my Stevie. I agree that love isn't always instantaneous and doesn't always consist of fireworks and butterflies. Sometimes it's a slow, smoldering burn that ignites into a burst of flames.

 

[pilesoflaundry]

He didn't give me butterflies then but he does now : It was one of those things that snuck up on me. I liked him a lot, I wanted to be around him, sorta felt drawn to him in a way that I can't quite explain. But butterflies and craziness at first, no not at all. I sure didn't think we would end up married!

He's a keeper and I love that man more than I ever could explain.

 

[Wishing on a star]

If it takes an Abercrombie model to give her butterflies....
That isn't love... That's lust.

But, I disagree with the 'no butterflies' thing.
Very stongly disagree.
There is lust, and there are real, emotional, butterflies.

They don't have to hit at first sight.
But, that doesn't mean that they shouldn't be there.

 

[Mrs. Charming]

Here's my personal experience/two cents on love: I think it's a connection, an understanding. DH and I had butterflies from the start, but we're one of those couples who felt like we knew each other all of our lives, it just "clicked." I truly can't imagine my life without him.

Don't get me wrong, I kissed a few frogs, they weren't Prince Charming. I thought I loved them and sure on some level I did, but it wasn't the "I can't imagine my life without you" kind of love.

 

[Shmily1]

DD19 and DS20 and I have had this conversation. I told them I would strongly object to them being serious about anyone that didn't take their breath away. There's someone for everyone and I want them to have that feeling forever. I didn't feel that way about their dad, but have with DH... now I know the real deal!

 

[SC Minnie]

I realized I was in love with DH when I could see myself with him 50yrs from then when we were both old, gray, fat, and not in the best health.

 

[Buckalew11]

Love is so confusing... I never kissed a frog. I dated all very great guys. I could have married any of them and had love and a good life with them.

When I did meet DH, I didn't like him. It took several years of him asking me out before I'd go and then it was a very slow process for me to "fall in love" with him. Now, 23 years later, I love him way more than I ever and I feel very blessed to say that.

I think there were moments of butterflies early on in the dating but like you, they are more abundant now than then.

She's young. SHe's experienced love. She'll know it when it happens, I think. Personally, I'd never go after a GQ type...but that was my own rule.

 

[Magpie]

DH didn't take my breath away. In fact I was worried he was too old for me, he was losing his hair, he wasn't my type... He was sure I wasn't his type either. I was his "safety date" - the no strings girl he could date so the other girls would leave him alone. But I sure did like talking to him, and he liked talking to me, and we found each other's company really fun.

Then one day I turned around and realized that losing him would be like losing a limb. I mean, literally, life without him would be like giving up an arm or a leg. It was a terrifying feeling, especially because I wasn't expecting it.

The same kind of feeling snuck up on him, too. He panicked a little, and talked to his friends about breaking up with me, then he turned around and proposed!

We've been married for 15 years now, and it just gets better all the time. He told me last night that he feels very lucky he's got me in his life. I think he's gorgeous! We talk a lot about what we're going to do in a few years, once the kids are out of the house.

My daughter is 14. I told her that the "butterflies and fireworks" are just lust bunnies, not love. That initial attraction is fun, but it isn't the same thing as real lasting love. I told her she should look for a best friend, as well as a boyfriend. Because real lovers are both!

 

[AprilShowers]

When I was 15, he gave me butterflies then . But it was more than that. We're now 42 and he still gives me butterflies But it's still much much more than that. We were best friends first, and we are still each others' best friend. I think that's one of the most important parts of marriage.

 

[suejai]

Here's my personal experience/two cents on love: I think it's a connection, an understanding. DH and I had butterflies from the start, but we're one of those couples who felt like we knew each other all of our lives, it just "clicked." I truly can't imagine my life without him.

Don't get me wrong, I kissed a few frogs, they weren't Prince Charming. I thought I loved them and sure on some level I did, but it wasn't the "I can't imagine my life without you" kind of love.

This is how it was and is for us as well. There were fireworks and butterflies but also a LOT of talking and connecting. It just felt right and comfortable from the beginning combined with a very healthy dose of lust at first sight.

 

[RadioFanatic]

I have always said if you are NOT dating your type and enjoy it, that is love. DH was not my type AT ALL couldn't have been farther from it. And I even said no the first time he asked me out. But when I realized I missed him when he wasn't around and wanted to hang out with him more and more - that was love to me. Were their butterflies initially? Nope, but after 15 years together and 12 married, there are now.

 

[blanq]

To me, love is not a "feeling", it is a "choice". I can say this after being married for 25 years because feelings can wax and wane and I don't think that feelings are always totally reliable. I was not so smart when I was younger. The butterflies thing is a feeling, and simply means there is a physical attraction. I definately had that when I met my DH so many years ago, but then I got to know him and I learned we have the same values, the same views about many things we feel are important, we laugh at and enjoy the same things, and he treats me in an honoring way. All of those traits made him attractive to me on a level that is just not physical, and we, at some point decided (don't ask me when specifically, because I am now 48 and my memory is somewhat fuzzy on it all) we wanted to commit to one another and marry.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Yes, I also agree with this last post!

Love is not necessarily just a feeling.
Love is an action word.

There are, however, two kinds of butterflies....
Butterflies are not just the physical chemistry type.
There is also the Wow, I found somebody who I care about and who really cares about me and we really click... type of butterflies.
When I met DH, the second type were stronger than the chemistry type.

 

[Mary•Poppins]

This is kind of a hard one ...

I had the "lust butterflies" for my DH when I first saw him (at a ripe old age of 13) ... he didn't know I existed. Literally, I stalked him with a few other girlfriends and I couldn't work up the courage to even talk to him.

I first met him at 16 when we worked together (cashier and stock boy). Since I had a crush on him and he wouldn't ask me out, I started dating other people. Got serious with someone else ... and that is when my DH told me that he loved me and wanted to date me . At this point, I told him I couldn't date him.

Then, when my boyfriend dumped me, my DH asked me out. We have been together ever since. We talk about my previous relationship (it was pretty serious) ... and say that we might not have stayed together if I didn't date this first guy, who is a friend of my DH too.

Now to answer your question ... I think love at first can give you butterflies, but it is the love and commitment that in the end gives me butterflies. My husband is the best thing that could have happened to me and if I would have started dating him when I was younger, it could have just been a passing phase.

She is still so young and perhaps needs time to find her way. If the other boy she has been seeing is truly "meant to be" it will work out if she dates other people for a while ... JMO.

 

[MELSMICE]

I agree with so much of what everyone has said. I get "butterflies" with DH but it's a special love kind of butterflies.

I guess I think love is such a deep feeling & to me it takes getting to know someone & knowing that you have the same values & goals to realize that you love them. It's a process. That's tough to explain to her.

I remember meeting a guy way back when & told everyone I would drop everything & move half way around the world with him if he asked me. Thank goodness that didn't happen. I was young & certainly not mature enough to have done that.

She is young. I don't want her to worry about such things right now so much.

 

[Rora]

I had the "butterflies". Sometimes, I still get them! But after being together since we were 15, the butterflies aren't always as consistent.

Today's butterflies are when he does something unexpected or just randomly looks at me very sincerly and says "I love you".

Also, and I guess this isn't a feeling but, he's my best friend and pretty much the only person in the entire universe that I want to spend all my time with. I'd so much rather spend time with DH than I would with a friend or even my mother. To me, that says something about love.

Best of luck to your DD.

 

[bumbershoot]

I think that "love" can feel very different at different times, and can be very different for different people. I think that people who live a charmed life and met their Loves early on can have a different take on what it feels like, even years later, than people like me who didn't find their Love until they were 30 or more. I know that my brother and sis in law are VERY different (they met in college and were married at 22) in their "schmoopy" (or PDA) level than DH and I are (he was 28, I was 30 when we met).

For me, the butterfly feeling lies to me. I felt that way about the most ridiculous males that were never EVER going to be anything important to me (other than in an experience that gave me knowledge, which I sometimes share here). The guy I dated before DH first "got" me because of the way he smelled. What a stupid way to make a decision (he smelled of celery soup, which I find scrumptious...of course too often that was covered by by the smell of gin and tonics, and more often by a certain illegal smoke), but that's how I was suckered into that "relationship"!

With DH, I heard his laugh and he saw my hair. He can laugh with an abandon that I've never heard anyone do before. And my hair can be quite glorious (doesn't really suit my face IMO, but the hair itself is nice) and was being hit by the setting sun. As the evening wore on we started talking, and found that we had very similar beliefs and values, and parts of his past fascinated me. People kept trying to come into our conversation but we didn't even notice them. He had butterflyish feelings from the start, but I was just more fascinated by him (he was offered a double shot in a drink on our first date, and he 1. turned it down and 2. didn't even finish the drink! very new type of guy to me!), but it took until the 3rd epic date for me to want to smooch him.

We've had quite a bit of stress in our life together (his mother would blame it on my being a Rooster and his being a Rat in Chinese astrology, and she DID try to stop our relationship partially because of that, which didn't work, but we were definitely forewarned of the communication problems), both from the inside and the outside. We might not always *appear* to be mad for each other, but where it really counts, deep down inside, we are Right for each other, and we have fought (what felt like) the world to keep us together.

I've recently figured out that I have a sort of disconnect with feelings, and he's always been OK with it (I have a very hard time saying "I love you" when I really really really DO, to adults at least, so we've had to come up with code phrases). And there are very few people who would deal with that...my mom was one, I had a very very hard time saying it to her, as well... That's just one of the ways I know he's one in a million, because while he doesn't understand that quirk, he accepts it and is willing to work with me on it.

To me, love is not a "feeling", it is a "choice". I can say this after being married for 25 years because feelings can wax and wane and I don't think that feelings are always totally reliable. ....

I definitely had that when I met my DH so many years ago, but then I got to know him and I learned we have the same values, the same views about many things we feel are important, we laugh at and enjoy the same things, and he treats me in an honoring way. All of those traits made him attractive to me on a level that is just not physical....

Exactly.





But some of my friends (generally the ones that married early) would absolutely DIE to be in a relationship that didn't have fireworks every day. I personally would be exhausted by fireworks every day. My adrenal system can't deal with it! So it's different for everyone, IMO. Trick is to meet someone who feels about the same about it as you.

 

[MagicalMawMaw]

Here's my personal experience/two cents on love: I think it's a connection, an understanding. DH and I had butterflies from the start, but we're one of those couples who felt like we knew each other all of our lives, it just "clicked." I truly can't imagine my life without him.

I like the way you put that!

I know I got "butterflies" when I was dating my DH & I still do. After 27+ years I'm thankful to be more in love with my DH & best friend than ever before. I think you want some "butterflies" that way the "Magic" lasts a long time.

 

[Jeafl]

OP--your post kind of struck a chord with me. My 21 yr. old daughter has been seriously dating the same guy since they were both 15. I really like him, but I always wanted BOTH of them to experience other people and loves before they decided this is forever. I kept telling myself "Wait until they go to separate colleges", but they went to the same college. Then it was "Wait until DD goes away to Ireland for a term abroad". They both went to Ireland. Now they are both getting ready for graduate school and lo and behold, they are both looking at the same grad school.

I guess my point is, sometimes it really is love at a young age. If your daughter spent 5 years of her life with the same guy, I think she knows what love is and will be smart enough to want to same thing again.

I have been with my husband since he was 19 and I was 18. I couldn't stand him for the first year I knew him. Then all of a sudden he DID give me butterflies. No one was more surprised than I was! We've been together for 28 years, married for 25. He still makes my heart jump when he walks in the room. I guess sometimes it happens right away, and sometimes he just has to "grow on you".