What do your children know about death?

[Ember]

I got into a conversation with some teachers the other day about how children deal with death. One teacher shared a story of a child in her grade one class passed away during the school year due to medical complications. The school brought in grief counselors and there was a memorial in the school gym that was optional if students wanted to attend.

She mentioned she was shocked at the number of parents who kept their children home for an extended period of time around the death. She was down to almost 1/2 a class for more then a week because the parents didn't want their children to know a classmate had died.

I'm not sure what to make of this. It makes me wonder if parents are going to far to "protect" their children. Death is a part of life and it can be explained in a way that children understand.

What do you think?

 

[imabrat]

My parents never really tried to keep me "protected" from death. My first experiences with death were my grandparents deaths. They died within 4 months of each other, I was 7 and 8 years old at the time. I attended one of the funerals, and although I don't remember much I do remember it was very hard for the adults and that I didn't understand much at the time. I wasn't too close to my grandparents either so that didn't help matters.

I started going back to CCD around that time, and my one teacher was talking about death. She stated that when we die, we "float around in space because we are nothing now". (That's paraphrasing, I can't remember her exact words but I do know the meaning) From then on until just recently, I was terrified of death. The thought of dying would get into my head when I was trying to fall sleep, and I'd have nightmares. My first "real" experience with death wasn't until this past Spring (I was 15, almost 16) and it shook me.


I don't think parents should shelter their children from death, because like you said, it's a part of life. However, I do think parents should teach their children about death in child-friendly ways and not let others teach their children about death in full. IE not what I experienced in CCD.

 

[JessicaR]

I'm shocked that half a classes parents kept their kids home for more than a week. That seems extreme and I really have to wonder why.

My kids have had to deal with this a few times over the years and they always offer grief counseling at school but I never once heard of parents keeping kids home for over a week. Seems very excessive. Do these parents think their kids won't notice the child missing when they return? They still have to deal with it eventually.

 

[mjantz]

My kids know about death due to the death of a family member last fall. Because we believe in heaven we've discussed it in those terms (going to a better place).

I'd never keep my kids home because a classmate died. It would be a horrible thing to have to help them through but I'd do it. You can't keep them isolated forever & to lie to them is IMO just wrong.

 

[Mom2Nick]

I think that each parent holds the responsibility to educate their children about death when they need to and has the responsibility to do that however they feel is best.

My DD is a VERY emotionally sensitive child that would not handle a situation like this well. She would be a complete basket case and I would choose to keep her home and prepare her in my own way before I sent her back to school. My sons however would be ok with going to school and dealing with it that way.

 

[Darsa]

My DD13 knows more about death that I'd have expected, since when she was 9 years old her 18-month-old cousin was killed in a car accident. It was, I have to admit, a very very difficult thing to do, to explain what happened to Cassandra. When I was young the first experiece I had wasn't until I was 16, when my Gramp died.

I can't really fathom keeping my child home because a classmate died. I can DEFINITELY see me having a nice talk with her about it and being very open and honest with her and any questions she might have. Sheltering the children from a natural part of life is foolish, I believe.

 

[MarkBarbieri]

I'm with the OP. Death is a part of life. I don't think that there is an age at which you "hide" it.

I remember being over a friend's when our kid's were 2-3 years old. I picked up a book and was reading it to my son. It was the Easter story (the one about Jesus, not the bunny stuff). The mom leaned over to me at one point and whispered "the next page is when he dies...we skip that page". I just whispered "the story doesn't make sense without that part" and kept reading.

 

[ORMom2Four]

Children need to learn to deal with death. It is a part of life.

 

[ClarabelleCowFan]

I'm with the OP. Death is a part of life. I don't think that there is an age at which you "hide" it.

I remember being over a friend's when our kid's were 2-3 years old. I picked up a book and was reading it to my son. It was the Easter story (the one about Jesus, not the bunny stuff). The mom leaned over to me at one point and whispered "the next page is when he dies...we skip that page". I just whispered "the story doesn't make sense without that part" and kept reading.

Good for you. I would have done the same thing.

My children have had a few experiences with death. My oldest can remember the death of her Godmother's Mother and her friend's Mother. Death really hit them hard this year when my Mother suddenly passed. My kids were very close to my mother and my 10 year old has been taking this very hard (even 5 months later).

We believe in Heaven so we talk about that which does I think bring them some comfort.

 

[tazdev3225]

My kids didn't experience death until their early teens so they were old enough to understand it. My MIL and Grandmother died within months of each other and we took my DGS who was 4 at the time to both funerals. He thought they were sleeping. My DGD has had several pets die and she knows they went to live with God and are waiting for her to be with them someday. That was enough of an explanation for her. She will be 5 next month.

 

[Tink888]

We've always been very open about death with our kids. It's a natural part of life and someday we all die. They've lost great-grandparents, pets, even some students in our district. I've always told them that whatever they are feeling; going (or not going) to a funeral; the level and length of grief is all okay as long as they talk about it. When we've had a death in the family, I've also tried to keep as much of our regular routine as possible so they can see that even though we're grieving a loss, life does go on and it's healthy to continue to live your life.

For myself or my kids, I couldn't see keeping them home from school in that type of situation.

 

[Sandy321]

I highly recommend books - for 2 -3rd graders there is a book called

A Taste Of Blackberries (author is Smith) about a boy who pokes a beehive and dies from the stings - and how is best friend handles it!

The Fall of Freddie the Leaf is a short poem

and of course The Tenth thing about Barney - about a child who's pet cat dies -

I'll never forget when I taught my first year, a 3rd grade class and a father decided to shoot his kids - I literally pushed chairs to the wall and sat on the rug and did lessons and read books, hugged and cried with that class - and I was questioned by other teachers that thought better left ignore it and move on!!

So when my kids were young I taught preschool, and we had a class pet, a hamster that was "loved to death" and we read and talked adn drew pictures - and buried that pet - and a week later a teacher in the school died.

I think we need to help our kids not be afraid of a part of life -

 

[HelenePA]

Mine know too much about it.. we've had so much death in my family they are pretty much unfazed with it. Although they did NOT handle seeing our dog actually die very well. It happened so quick we didn't have time to get them out of the room and I dont even know if that would have been the right thing to do?

 

[Pigeon]

Our kids have had pets and distant family members die. We aren't ones to hide things from the kids. They know that death is a natural biological process that happens for a variety of reasons. We are agnostic, so we don't do heaven.

I also find it hard to believe that people would keep their kids home over a death. So what happens when the kids go back to school and the classmate is missing? Do they lie to their children about it? Since other kids know the truth, I can't imagine that works very well, and would do nothing but undermine their own credibility with their kids.

 

[aprilgail2]

My daughter has been exposed to death since she was 2 and my godson died. Since we also work with cancer kids she knows all to well about children dying. She sadly is a pro at wakes- a guy from works brother died and she came along with me to the wake and walked right up to him and shook his hand and said "I am very sorry for your lose"

 

[Mandychelle79]

I do not shelter my kids from death. Working in a Nursing home does have some part of that though. They get close to some residents and when they are not there any longer I explain to them using the terms we use in our family.

When my DH gma passed away last winter we told our kids that she went to live with Jesus. When we had to go back to the funeral home for the 2nd visitation my dd looked at me and said " You mean Jesus hasnt came to get her yet?" It was so sweet and innocent. From having some animals with limited life expectancies she knew that once gone, they dont come back.

 

[karen l]

My DH passed away from cancer when my children were 16, 14 & 8. It was a very difficult time for all of us but especially my 8 yr old. I did not bring him to the wake - I did have him attend the funeral Mass. I wish they hadn't had to experience this so young but unfortunately there are some things we can't control. We believe he's watching over us & his death helped us become even closer as a family. I couldn't protect them from this loss but together we learned how to cope & are stronger because of it.

 

[PrincessSuzanne]

My first experience with death was when I was 5, my grandfather passed away. I understood that he was going to Heaven, and that he was no longer there, but I don't think it really made much sense otherwise.

I think you should be open and honest with children on their level about everything, and just change it as they get older.

My mom passed away last Aug and my then 3 year old cousin kept asking where she was, so I just explained that she was with God and she eventually quit asking, or she would tell me what I had told her.

I can understand keeping a child home from school maybe one day to deal with it, but not a week.

Suzanne

 

[ClarabelleCowFan]

My DH passed away from cancer when my children were 16, 14 & 8. It was a very difficult time for all of us but especially my 8 yr old. I did not bring him to the wake - I did have him attend the funeral Mass. I wish they hadn't had to experience this so young but unfortunately there are some things we can't control. We believe he's watching over us & his death helped us become even closer as a family. I couldn't protect them from this loss but together we learned how to cope & are stronger because of it.

So sorry for your loss.

 

[Tink&SquirtsMom]

My sons first mom died as a result of his birth. He's 4 now, so I am not sure how much he truly gets death vs. her just not being here (like the rest of his family in Ethiopia who is alive and who we correspond with but who he also hasn't seen in person in 2 years).

He asks a lot of questions about her and heaven, such as does she have a job in heaven, etc.

We talk about his mom all the time, so he talks about it very matter of factly. It throws many people off (including me!) when he says things like "I'm drawing a picture for my dead mommy" or "I wish I could see my mommy in heaven" and then just goes right on playing. It's just what he knows I guess. FTR, we refer to her as "aya" (his first language's word for mommy) so he's not getting referring her to as his dead mommy from us!!

One of the things we do is send letters his mom in heaven (via balloon) on special days like Mother's Day and any other time he wants. He really enjoys sending her messages.