What Do You ThinkOf This?(wake etiquette)

[WDWLVR]

Growing up in an Irish Catholic household there were always two standards at wakes:

1) There was a room set up with coffee/soft drinks/cookies. Food and drinks would stay there and it was where the kids spent most of their time. I see no problem with water or even the Sprite in the viewing area - the slurpees are a bit much

2) There was also some laughter at the wake. The wake was to be a celebration of the persons life as well as the mourning of their death. When the priest came in and it was time for prayers that of course stopped and it became a somber time, but often after the prayers the priest (more often than not a family friend) would share stories as well and the laughter would continue.

 

[phorsenuf]

Wouldn't bother me in the least. Poor guy and his children just lost someone very dear to them. I he wants to drink a sprite while he has to stand there for what may be hours greeting and talking with people, then he may get parched. If the kids want a drink (whatever kind it may be) then let them. I wouldn't say no to them, I'm sure they are hurting too.

I remember when I was at my moms funeral (I was 10) It was held in the funeral home. I was sitting in the front row with my family. Right before the service started the director came up to me and asked my if I would like some hot chocolate. I didn't accept, but if I had I would have been drinking that DURING the funeral. Would I have been considered being tacky. It was the funeral director who offered it to me.

Cut the people some slack. If it hadn't been their family and it was an aqaintence (sp?), then yes, VERY TACKY!

 

[bjgrazi]

Here's my story and it was done to ease the pain and tension with my Dad's passing. Now understand when my brothers came of age it was my Dads pleasure to have their first beer with him. (okay so what if they were long drinking).

At my Dads wake my 5 brothers decided they should have their last beer with Dad. Some people walked in and were shocked. We knew what was going on and that was all that mattered. They each only had one, had a good laugh about it, they even gave Dad one to go.

Right, wrong, tacky or not it's how we coped 16 years ago.

 

[4cruisin]

Personally, I think the kids should have kept the Sprite and Slurpees in an overflow room. I understand the need to have water handy, but to crack a Sprite and drink Slurpees in the room really was inappropriate but I guess different strokes for different folks applies here.
At my mom's wake, there was a lot of laughter and I'm sure a lot of people were dismayed thinking it was disrespectful. However, my mom was always the life of any party and really wanted us to have an Irish wake. Trust me, there were tears shed both public and private but we honored her wish as best we could at the time. The viewing hours were 2-4 and 7-9 and it was a non-stop line both times. We never sat down and if one of us needed water, someone would pop out to the water cooler and get a cup for us. Slurpees were not an option.

 

[phorsenuf]

There is a lot of mention of overflow rooms. Was there one there?

 

[browneyes]

It's hard for me to even take a sip of water in the kitchenette at a funeral home.

 

[Serena]

I think popping the can and the slurpies was a bit much.


At my mom's veiwing and funeral, there were no end to the people arriving. Every time I went to the restroom or the breakroom, people were offended because I wasn't visible. I was the oldest daughter and that was what they expected. I did start bringing my drink with me, I wasn't eating at all so that wasn't a problem. But my drink went with me and some people were offended, other's weren't. It's funny, most the people that were offended, I never saw again.

 

[EsmeraldaX]

I think it's kind of tacky, but maybe that was the only thing that helped him to not have abreak down during the wake. I know when I'm sad sometimes, if I have a soda or something, it makes me less likely to break down and bawl.

 

[Saffron]

This was the wake for the father of those who were drinking the drinks, right (I think I got that right )? If so, then I think it was perfectly fine and appropriate. You can have a wake any way you want it - drinks, no drinks, music, no music, prayers, no prayers, lively celebration, solomn quietness. If they were drinking drinks at someone else's father's wake, and that family would not like it, then that would be inappropriate.

 

[sue1013]

The OP remarks are the reason I can't stand wakes. You have no idea what is going through that families mind. Sometimes they are in shock and not thinking clearly or are medicated so not thinking clearly. But you come to pay respects and pick apart the family! My father died suddenly, let me tell you it was all we could do to function. Let alone having to make sure we stuck to all the rules the so called compassionate people that came to the viewing decide we should abide by. Give the family a break!!

 

[HusbandAlwaysWorking]

My husband owns funeral homes, and I've lived the funeral-life for many years, so I can probably clear up some misconceptions.

In our state, we are not allowed to serve any food or beverages in the funeral home, except water. This is a board of health ruling. If we did serve more than water, we'd have to follow the same guidelines as a restaurant. If we were caught not abiding by this, we'd be fined or we could lose our licensing.

Technically, family members aren't even supposed to bring in anything other than water. I find this a little intrusive, but it's the law. Only staff members can bring in food when working all day, and there are specific places where they are allowed, by law, to eat.

We always have a pitcher with cold water, ice, and cups on a table next to the family, for them to drink without having to leave the room.

Regarding the son drinking at the wake? We were all brought up differently. Temperments at wakes and funerals reflect a families character. We've seen it all! Whether good or bad: everyone has their own way of doing things!

But, I must say, since 911, people are becoming more and more sentimental, caring and sincere at funeral-related ceremonies.

Overflow rooms:
Very important. Many people cannot enter the room with the casket. This is completely understandable. We offer plenty of space, with comfortable furniture, away from the main room. We also have an escape-proof (except in case of fire) children's room with a TV, Disney (of course) videos and toys.

Good funeral homes recognize that there are many different types of people entering the funeral home, and they must meet those needs as much as possible and allowable.

 

[Keli]

Oh yes, for me this would be way too disrespectful. I would not take food or drink into the viewing room except maybe water if I needed to sip it every few minutes.

I've seen lots of totally inappropriate behavior at wakes though and it doesn't even faze me. To each their own.

 

[Figaro]

I agree with everyone that he just lost a parent and I'm sure wasn't thinking at all, but operating on automatic pilot. Also, celebrating a persons life in my family means lots and lots of funny stories and laughter. It doesn't mean that we aren't grieving, just that we want everyone to remember the person as they were. And as for the food...well, not every funeral home or church has an accessible room for the family to retire to.

And I know that at my mother-in-laws wake that even though we would try to go outside, or in the back of the church to eat or drink something (wake started at 3 p.m. and ended at 8 p.m. and there was always a line out the door of people waiting to get in an pay their respects), it just meant that whatever family member wasn't in line would get chased down and a secondary line would start at the closet(smile). Everyone understood when we would drink pop, or water, or coffee or iced tea while in line, as the secondary line messed up the traffic flow and made it more difficult.

And, as Miss Manners often asks (paraphrase), why on earth would you want to go to this persons funeral, or wedding or shower or birthday party when you are so critical of the families behavior? After all, people go to wakes to show their respect and to comfort a family that is grieving, not to criticize people that they care about.

(Edited because stupid thing posted before I was finished!)(smile)

 

[chesirechik]

I can't understand why everyone thinks it's ok to drink water, but not pop?

It amazes me that someone would go to a wake to pay their respects, then turn around and criticize the familys actions. Why do you even care?


bjgrazi, love your beer story. We put a Klondike wrapper in my grandfathers hand. His favorite food and he was always sneaking it.

 

[4cruisin]

cheshirechik,
I think it was more about the Sprite can being popped in the room and slurpees are just plain inappropriate. If the Sprite was sipped discreetly, it would not have even been noticed.

 

[Stu W]

Originally posted by gallaj0
I'm not sure it was inappropriate, but then again, my family's Irish, and we love a good wake.

I always thought the wake was a less "formal" affair than the funeral; taking place in a church and cemetary, that was the place for real formality.

Here,here.couldn't agree more.

We like to think of a wake as a celebration of somebodys life and I hope that when I eventually pass,my family will have a real knees up.
I want people to remember the good times,and that would include my funeral.

After the cremation,i want my family to travel to the USA and scatter my ashes on Daytona Speedway.

I know we all cry and mourn when a close one passes,but it doesnt have to stay that way.

Went to a cremation recently for a friend who was a real fun guy,always laughing and playing practicle jokes.
As soon as the coffin went through the curtain,out of the speakers came the song"House of fun" by Madness.

He wouldn't have wanted it any other way.

 

[chesirechik]

Originally posted by 4cruisin
cheshirechik,
I think it was more about the Sprite can being popped in the room and slurpees are just plain inappropriate. If the Sprite was sipped discreetly, it would not have even been noticed.

If this had gone on at someone else's father's wake and the family would not have like d it, then it would have been inappropriate. But is was HIS father. Leave the man be if he wants to pop the sprite can and drink it. People are so quick to critize things that don't even affect them.

I would never have even given it a thought. Wakes/funerals are stressful, let people act how they want.

 

[mom2of2]

Irish here too! We have viewings and funerals at the parlor/cemetary and then the "wake" is the party afterwards usually at a local firehouse or vfw/american legion. Viewings are somber and respectful where the wake is a time for laughter, remembering and having "one" toasted. At my aunts wake (she was italian married into irish) her family didn't "get" our wake and wound up leaving. We had food and drink and lots of laughter..we all needed it after loosing her so young and suddenly.
As for the OP's question....everyone deals with a funeral or a viewing differently and there really isn't a "correct" way to handle oneself. JM2C

 

[gymnasticsmom68]

Originally posted by 4cruisin
cheshirechik,
I think it was more about the Sprite can being popped in the room and slurpees are just plain inappropriate. If the Sprite was sipped discreetly, it would not have even been noticed.

No where does the OP say the pop can was 'popped' as a matter of fact, she said it was a bottle.

What Do You ThinkOf This?(wake etiquette)
Im curious as to what other people think of this situation, as my opinion may be biased.
At a wake, do you think it is proper for the grown son of the deceased to be drinking a bottle of Sprite in the viewing room, right infront of the casket? Or for his teenage kids to have slurpee type drinks in big colorful cups with straws in the viewing room also? Oh and the Sprite was opened with a big fizz noise, during the time the VFW people came in to do a little prayer.
Any opinions?

I can't imagine going to a wake and then having the nerve to leave and talk behind the family's back. THAT shows no class, not a little bottle of pop.

 

[4cruisin]

Pardon me for being so ignorant, gymnasticsmom68. I'm not as perfect as you and misread the op. Fizz, pop slurp, burp, fart whatever, it was still rude, disrespectful and unacceptable by MY personal standards and obviously by many others here and if the kid does not learn what is and is not acceptable at his own father's wake, then when will HE learn. I stand by my original reply.

My father died when I was 8, I don't remember drinking a Sprite or slurpee there...I must be a neanderthal for having manners.