What Do You Do When Your Child Won't Be Nice?

[Madi100]

I have a five year old daughter who is pretty fun loving, sweet little girl. Most people see her and don't see how I could ever have problems with her. Did I mention she has red hair? She's earned her hair down to the last one. She is very independent and does better doing things by herself. She likes to make the rules. However, at school she is very well behaved. They have absolutely no problems with her, ever.

She gets along well with everyone. Everyone that is except my friend's daughter, "Susie". There are two years difference between the two girls, and my DD just can't tolerate her. This little girl thinks sharing means that if someone else has something that she wants, she should get to play with it now. Or, she will just take it. She also doesn't share her own toys very well. And, she does a great job of whining. And, I completely understand that she is three and it's part of her age. But, because of how she acts, my DD just doesn't like her, and she has a really hard time being nice to her, especially if there are other kids around. My DD is the only one with a problem with her that verbalizes it.

I can completely admit that my DD is not nice to her. I'm not sure what to do about that. I have told her that when we are at Mom's Group tomorrow if she's not nice to her we will leave. It is not an option to just not be around her. I am friends with her mom, and we go to the same Mom's Group. I can't make my DD like her, but she does need to be polite.

 

[diznygirl]

Little kids are smarter than the rest of us! We are polite and fake nice to everyone - and they just call it like they see it.

All you can do is keep explaining to her about being polite to people even if they bother us, but I think she is still too young to really understand and actually put it into practice.

 

[Sandy V.]

From my perspective, I think your little girl is on the right track. Why should she have to be nice to someone that routinely won't share and takes away toys that she's playing with?

Personally, I would teach my daughter some techniques to quietly but firmly stand up for herself. Don't allow the non-sharing child grab things away from your child, especially if it's clear your daughter had it first. But then again, you have to remember - sometimes kids/bullies/spoiled brats respond a lot better with the direct route. "No, you can't have this toy now. I'm playing with it. You can have it when I'm done, though."

It's okay to NOT be nice all of the time. I think it's preferable.

Maybe I'm reading the situation wrong, but that's how I see it. Are you worried about what this mother will think about you or your daughter? Is the daughter just like her mother? Do you HAVE to be friends with this person, or do you just WANT to be friends with her?

And by the way, I have TWO redheads. Stubborn doesn't even begin to cover it . . .

 

[The Mystery Machine]

If the 3yo is taking her stuff out of her hands she has a right to complain. Not only that she is "independent" and probably not going to change for this kid.

They only thing to do in this situation is to be pro-active and monitor closely. If the 3yo is "picking on" your dd then try and head her off at the pass.

Don't expect your dd to cater to the 3yo, but make sure it is well balanced. Give and take.

 

[Hannathy]

The other little girl should be nice to your Daughter. What is fair is fair. She shouldn't have to give up every toy a 3 yr old is old enough to share and know better. I think the 3 yr old knows you make your daughter give in to her and she takes advantage of it. Back your daughter up tommorow tell the 3 yr old everyone has to share and mean it. Encourage your daughter to avoid her if possible and if you are friends I would say something to the mom, even if it is loudly announcing when the 3 yr old tries to take a toy "no Mary, Sarah had that you will have to wait" and see what happens. good luck and encourage your daughter to stand up for herself not give in she will be better off in the long run.

 

[Eeyore'sthebest]

The other little girl should be nice to your Daughter. What is fair is fair. She shouldn't have to give up every toy a 3 yr old is old enough to share and know better. I think the 3 yr old knows you make your daughter give in to her and she takes advantage of it. Back your daughter up tommorow tell the 3 yr old everyone has to share and mean it. Encourage your daughter to avoid her if possible and if you are friends I would say something to the mom, even if it is loudly announcing when the 3 yr old tries to take a toy "no Mary, Sarah had that you will have to wait" and see what happens. good luck and encourage your daughter to stand up for herself not give in she will be better off in the long run.

ITA with everything. Why should your DD be a doormat? My DD started pre-school at the age of 3 and the teachers would not interfere in any toy disagreement. They were expected to share and handle any problems themselves. It taught them to respect each other and if they didn't, to handle it themselves.
I've got to tell ya, I keep my DD away from kids that she doesn't like. Obviously in school, sporting activities, etc. she is exposed to kids that she doesn't get along with all the time. In those instances she needs to be polite and I would not accept less. But to force my child to be nice to someone else's brat so that I can socialize, nope - not gonna happen. Sorry if that sounds harsh.

 

[Madi100]

From my perspective, I think your little girl is on the right track. Why should she have to be nice to someone that routinely won't share and takes away toys that she's playing with?

Personally, I would teach my daughter some techniques to quietly but firmly stand up for herself. Don't allow the non-sharing child grab things away from your child, especially if it's clear your daughter had it first. But then again, you have to remember - sometimes kids/bullies/spoiled brats respond a lot better with the direct route. "No, you can't have this toy now. I'm playing with it. You can have it when I'm done, though."

It's okay to NOT be nice all of the time. I think it's preferable.

Maybe I'm reading the situation wrong, but that's how I see it. Are you worried about what this mother will think about you or your daughter? Is the daughter just like her mother? Do you HAVE to be friends with this person, or do you just WANT to be friends with her?

And by the way, I have TWO redheads. Stubborn doesn't even begin to cover it . . .

I don't HAVE to be friends with her mom, I just like her. We have things in common, and she is in our group of friends. Ironically, I brought her there.

I guess what bothers me most of all is that I don't want my friend to dislike my daughter. I like her daughter. I think she is a nice girl. Things bother all children differently. 3 yr old screamed in my DD's face, my DD screamed right back 5 times louder. 3 yr old cried. Then my DD is annoyed by her and doesn't want to be around her. Nothing wrong with that. 3 yr old has to learn that her actions are going to make it so people don't want to play with her. But, I just wish that my DD didn't have to be mean to this little girl in return by excluding her. There's a difference between not playing with and excluding.

 

[mickeyboat]

This is a toughie, because I think in your situation, you need to strike a balance, which is something tough for a 5 year old to understand.

I have two daughters, 5 and 6. I teach them to be polite, to share, to not say mean things to people, to let other people play with them, and to apologize if they hurt someone.

I also teach them that they don't have to play with someone who is not being nice to them.

It's even more complicated in your situation because the 3 year old does not have the same communication skills or the same understanding of the rules of playing nice that your daughter has. Explain that to your daughter. Encourage her to make an effort to play with her friend, but if she continues to be mean to her, she can find something else to do.

Good luck, it isn't easy.

Denae

 

[missypie]

No advice here, but two of my three kids have red hair, so I can really relate.

 

[beckmrk04]

Maybe try explaining to your daughter that your friends' dd is younger and your DD is the Big Girl, and approach it in a way that your dd can teach the other little girl some things, much like an older sister... For instance, Your dd can teach friends' dd how to share and take turns, instead of just excluding her. Then the other little girl won't get mad and feel left out. And praise your dd when she tries. She shouldn't let people be mean to her, I agree, but there is also much to be said about getting along with people we may not care for- a lot of times we have no choice. And if the little girl screams, Big Girls don't scream back 5 times louder.

If that doesn't work, then your friend needs to work on those skills with her child or her child is going to remain friend-less.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

Maybe until your girls are a little older and past this stage you and your friend could try getting together without the girls. Maybe an occasional dinner, Saturday morning for coffee, etc, depending on your schedules. That way you can still be friends in a more relaxed setting. Some kids just don't get along even if there's nothing "wrong" with either child (wrong isn't the word I'm looking for, but you get my point). Then give it a try a a few months. It's also putting a lot of stress on you for your DD to behave. Been there, done that with my 6yo (and he SHOULD have had red hair ).