What do you do when you are invited to a gay wedding and you oppose gay marriage?

[smartestnumber5]

I've been wondering with all of the news about Prop 8 and the insistence of numerous people (both in the news and on the DIS) that they love gay people (and have plenty of gay friends/family) and are pro-civil union, but they don't think same-sex couples should be able to be *married.*

So I'm curious what a person like this does when one of their gay friends/family members sends a wedding invitation. Will you attend/send a present/send good wishes only if the event is labeled "commitment ceremony" or "civil union" but not "wedding" or "marriage ceremony"? Do you go/send a gift, but give a card which does not actually acknowledge that they are getting *married*?

I'm curious because I was thinking of my two good friends of mine (both female) who got married this summer in a non-legal religious/spiritual ceremony. Though certainly they would not call anyone who didn't support their equal rights a "friend" (and hence wouldn't be inviting those people to their wedding anyway), family is another story. They did not poll their extended family about their feelings on same-sex marriage as far as I know--they just sent out the family invitations the same way the average straight couple does, with some of the extended family not ever having met the fiance. I would think it's likely that some of those extended family members didn't support same-sex marriage. None of them, though, made this known as they all sent "Congratulations on your Marriage" type cards (except for the parents of one of the women who refused to come and had always refused to acknowledge her partner in he best and who told her that she was ruining their lives by doing this to them--they made their feelings known, but I don't think there's a card that says that!).

So when you are in that situation, what do you do? Do you send a card/give a gift acknowledging a marriage that you don't in fact acknowledge? Or do you send a card/gift that doesn't actually mention marriage? What about after the wedding--when introducing your gay friends to other friends do you say, "This is Sally and her wife Jane?" Or do you refuse to use the terms "wife" "spouse" "husband"?

Perhaps in Hallmark's new line of same-sex wedding related cards there is one which says "I'm totally happy that you found someone to spend your life with, but I can't attend because you insist on calling it 'getting married.' But best wishes anyway!" which would apply to this situation?

 

[JonS99]

I wouldn't go or send a gift, as free thinkers with open minds they would understand that as an adult I am able to form my own opinions..

 

[Tink888]

I've never been in that situation but I'd guess if I cared about the person getting married, I'd put a smile on my face, a gift in my hand and go and celebrate their happy day with them.

It wouldn't be any different than going to a wedding between two straight people and feeling like they were making a mistake by marrying eachother. (I don't mean here that gay marriage is a mistake, just using an example of when two people don't belong together but they get married).

If you care about someone, you share in their day and support them. It's important to them and that's what matters.

 

[eliza61]

I would treat it like any other member of my family. If they are a close member of my family (meaning I have some interaction with them and not those "distant" cousins you never see) I would not want ill feelings over basically some thing that is a difference of opinion. I don't expect my friends or my family to share all the same ideology that I do.

I would go, bring a gift and say congratulations just as I would a heterosexual wedding.

 

[Cindyluwho]

A small gift celebrating the fact that two people love each other enought to commit. Can that really be so wrong no matter what you believe? 'Cause if you believe you're going to hell for supporting someone you care about, then I'm not sure you understand the Christ part of Christian...
And by "you" I don't mean the OP or any other poster, I just mean folks in general.

 

[RadioNate]

I can't imagine people who oppose gay marriage, or gay rights in general, would have many gay friends.

And with all the talk of Prop 8, lets not forget that Florida's amendment 2 not only made gay "marriage" illegal but also constitutionally outlawed civil unions and domestic partnership agreements (both heterosexual and homosexual.)

 

[ols386]

I've never been invited to a wedding of a gay couple, but if they were a friend or family member, I would definately go. I would go to a gay wedding just like I would go to a straight wedding of someone that I'm friends with or related to. I would get a gift, but I'm not sure what I'd do about the card. I haven't been invited to a wedding in quite awhile, so haven't really looked at ANY wedding cards in the stores lately. I do have a younger cousin (by young, I mean age 34, to me that's young), and I think the world of her. She has had a couple of partners, but has never been married or in any kind of civil union or anything like that. But if she did, and she invited me, I would be more than happy to go. Good luck to you.

 

[Ohiodislover]

I've never been in that situation but I'd guess if I cared about the person getting married, I'd put a smile on my face, a gift in my hand and go and celebrate their happy day with them.

It wouldn't be any different than going to a wedding between two straight people and feeling like they were making a mistake by marrying eachother. (I don't mean here that gay marriage is a mistake, just using an example of when two people don't belong together but they get married).

If you care about someone, you share in their day and support them. It's important to them and that's what matters.

My thoughts exactly.

 

[Rora]

I would simply send them a card that says something like "Congrats on your special day" and would just not attend the wedding.

 

[pfishgirl]

If I opposed... Simply decline the invitation.. No further steps needed..

 

[mickeymedic]

I can't imagine people who oppose gay marriage, or gay rights in general, would have many gay friends.

Just because someone disagrees about a lifestyle choice does not mean that they can't have friends who choose that lifestyle. While I don't 100% support gay marriage, I do 100% my friends - regardless of their lifestyle choice. If invited to a gay wedding, I would buy a nice gift, put on my Sunday best and celebrate the happy day in my friend's life. Friendship is not conditional on agreeing with all political, social or religious issues.

 

[loco4dis]

If they are close friends or relatives, I go and wish them the best. If mere acquaintances, I politely decline.

 

[Uncle Remus]

I've been invited to many a Christian lifestyle weddding and I attend because I'll share in a friend's happiness with them if asked regardless that they are getting married in a church. I'll also send a card and gift coz hey, they're friends of mine.

 

[All American]

I would imagine that if the ones doing the inviting were true friends, they would understand your position on the issue and not invite you out of respect for your beliefs and desire to have the best day possible. As their friend, you would understand their decision and be grateful they respect your beliefs. In turn, you would never belittle or begrudge them of the fact but continue to keep a cordial relationship where you discuss business, pets, and the funny T.V. show as well as Christmas gift ideas.

 

[mlynn]

I would get myself a babysitter and a really nice outfit. Go and have a great time. I would be so happy for my friend that they found the person they want to share their life with.

 

[Saphire]

I can't imagine people who oppose gay marriage, or gay rights in general, would have many gay friends.

Just because I think marriage is between a man and woman doesn't mean I don't have gay friends or acquaintances. There are a lot of people in my life that I love and care about that don't share my Christian views.
If I were invited to such a ceremony, I would go. Yes, they think really differently than me, but the couple can still can be wished joy and love in the days ahead.

 

[Pigeon]

I can't imagine people who oppose gay marriage, or gay rights in general, would have many gay friends.

Yup. And if I were gay and had relatives who opposed gay marriage, I wouldn't want them in my life, either.

 

[raysnkaysmom]

Not reading replies...because I'm pregnant and moody at the moment... lol

My take is....I wouldnt' think you'd get invited to a wedding if you weren't semi-close to the couple....

If you truly oppose their relationship and they are family or something, maybe just send a card as to not cause a scene on their happy day.

My opinion... just for what it's worth.... when you marry someone, YOU are married to THEM... doesn't matter if you're parents objected or your best friend thought they were all wrong for you... your marriage is between you TWO... Why can't the same sex couple have that right??
I know, not the question.. but just had to throw it out there because I just dont' get the hatred for the union of gay couples....

 

[C.Ann]

I would handle it the same way I would handle any other wedding.. If I wanted to attend, I would.. If I didn't, I wouldn't..

As for introductions - that one stumps me.. I'm usually inclined to say something along the lines of "Mary and her significant other, Jane.." Anyone have a better suggestion?

 

[smartestnumber5]

As for introductions - that one stumps me.. I'm usually inclined to say something along the lines of "Mary and her significant other, Jane.." Anyone have a better suggestion?

Well if the couple is married and they call themselves "wives" or "spouses" then "this is her wife Jane" seems the only acceptable way to introduce them.

We're not married (in either the ceremonial or legal sense of the word) and we use partner and that's usually how others introduce us too. I generally think significant other is fine for people who aren't married, except it can have a connotation to it that implies (to some people) that the couple hasn't been together all that long or aren't that serious. (Same problem with boyfriend and girlfriend.)

The real question is how to refer to people with civil unions.