What do you do? Vent ahead!

[kellyg403]

I have been mad for 4 days. Everyday it increases in severity. I am not one to rave and rage when I am angry, more likely to go introverted and not say a whole lot. Usually after a few days I am able to realize what my biggest problem is and tackle it. Not this time folks...I am mad. There are so many reasons for me to be mad in my mind I can NOT find the bottom line and what I am REALLY the most po'd about. I am resentful, mad, disappointed, feel taken advantage of etc. I am starting to believe dh deserves what I want to dish out, but I know that is wrong and not really what he deserves.

Anyway, how do you get to the bottom...find the real problem when there are SOOOO many bunched up on top of the real issue. Because I have always been able to find the bottom line I am starting to wonder if in the current situation I have let myself get walked on so much and called it o.k. it is finally to a point I have never really experienced before. I don't want to destroy anything here, I have obligations too but this morning I am feeling like I could just pack a bag and walk away from the whole lot of them. Mom is always running around doing everything, dh has the almighty job but I have a very stressful one also. In the end he said a few things to his mother that got back to me. Now, they may or may not be 100% true as his mom is nice lady but she is all about the boy. But, I feel like WWF throwdown in my future. He has one responsibility. My sdd decided two weeks ago she no longer was in the shape to raise 8yo grandd, so she moved in. Now I am responsible for her and 4 teens, myself, the dogs, the house, my job etc

I had been brewing over the comments from his mother and then friday because dh said to me "Don't forget on your day off to get the oil changed and pay the car payment. Do you want me to call and remind you? Oh yeah, the dogs need dry dog food (which I had already gotten because I feed them and they were out 3 freakin days before this conversation). It all just bubbled to the surface and I had to turn and walk away for FEAR I wouldl lose control and say what I was REALLLY thinking! Logically I can not have a civil conversation with him, I am SOOOO angry. I came home from work on Sun at 4pm and my gdd hadn't even had lunch yet. Her mother was here, he was here and 3 of the 4 teens. Um, I thought we agreed when this situation came about I wouldn't be solely responsible???? Helllllooooo.

Kelly

 

[golfgal]

Well, the first thing I would do is assign the sister a list of things that are now her responsibility since she is living with you. If she can't do those, she moves out. Second, I would set up your bills on automatic draft so you don't have to spend time doing those. Then I would schedule a weekend away with my DH and have some serious talks with him about him helping around the house and taking some of the load off you.

 

[DVC~OKW~96]

Woosh.

Time for a talk. Seriously. Schedule it. Tell him he needs to meet you at such and such a time in a place where there will be no interruptions.

Feel free to start out by saying you are so angry you aren't sure where to start, but start you will!

That kind of stress is going to cost you your health, and that is never acceptable.

 

[AlleyKat]

I have been mad for 4 days. Everyday it increases in severity. I am not one to rave and rage when I am angry, more likely to go introverted and not say a whole lot. Usually after a few days I am able to realize what my biggest problem is and tackle it. Not this time folks...I am mad. There are so many reasons for me to be mad in my mind I can NOT find the bottom line and what I am REALLY the most po'd about. I am resentful, mad, disappointed, feel taken advantage of etc. I am starting to believe dh deserves what I want to dish out, but I know that is wrong and not really what he deserves.

Anyway, how do you get to the bottom...find the real problem when there are SOOOO many bunched up on top of the real issue. Because I have always been able to find the bottom line I am starting to wonder if in the current situation I have let myself get walked on so much and called it o.k. it is finally to a point I have never really experienced before. I don't want to destroy anything here, I have obligations too but this morning I am feeling like I could just pack a bag and walk away from the whole lot of them. Mom is always running around doing everything, dh has the almighty job but I have a very stressful one also. In the end he said a few things to his mother that got back to me. Now, they may or may not be 100% true as his mom is nice lady but she is all about the boy. But, I feel like WWF throwdown in my future. He has one responsibility. My sdd decided two weeks ago she no longer was in the shape to raise 8yo grandd, so she moved in. Now I am responsible for her and 4 teens, myself, the dogs, the house, my job etc

I had been brewing over the comments from his mother and then friday because dh said to me "Don't forget on your day off to get the oil changed and pay the car payment. Do you want me to call and remind you? Oh yeah, the dogs need dry dog food (which I had already gotten because I feed them and they were out 3 freakin days before this conversation). It all just bubbled to the surface and I had to turn and walk away for FEAR I wouldl lose control and say what I was REALLLY thinking! Logically I can not have a civil conversation with him, I am SOOOO angry. I came home from work on Sun at 4pm and my gdd hadn't even had lunch yet. Her mother was here, he was here and 3 of the 4 teens. Um, I thought we agreed when this situation came about I wouldn't be solely responsible???? Helllllooooo.

Kelly

You should say what you are really thinking..let it rip!

 

[kellyg403]

Sorry, I wasn't clear..sdd is not living here, just grandd8. Sdd and dad 'visit' on the two weekends so far for about, i don't know, 45 min at a time. This IS the best place for grandd at this time. That whole story is just another drama filled issue I am just not willing to deal with. It would take two days to tell my version of that story.

On top of everything, I have had to change my work schedule twice in two weeks..something I just can't keep doing. I am a very reliable person. I don't like NOT be reliable if that makes sense. It bothers me to not uphold my part of the obligation which in this sense, is my schedule at work. DH was upset because I had to put gdd in before and after daycare. I just couldn't see a way around it. There are no friends for her here (they were living in Texas until this happened), my neighborhood is mostly teens, my teens have very active lives that change daily, I couldn't expect them to change their lives totally for this decision. Plus, they are teens. I envisioned myself coming home from work and someone saying 'she was just here'. They babysit the grands from time to time, but not everyday.

Its just an accumilation of things and I just need to focus. I don't even have the want to do something nice for myself let alone with dh right now.

I do have bill pay but it is not automatic as I get paid on the same day every two weeks but not the same date. We split bills. I guess I was just mad because I wanted to say so far I am responsible for everything, have not missed a kid, field trip, pick up time, dinner, dog feeding dog walking, cleaning the house etc so no, don't CALL me and remind me. It just shoved me over the edge. I am trying to so hard to get some semblence of normal back! Once I get things coordinated a little better it will be better. My normal self is very goal oriented, I plan or try to plan things to make my life easier etc. So, everything being off kilter is what the real problem probably is. I don't do well with surprises!

Kelly

 

[monkeybug]

Woman you need a break!!!! Seriously, that's just too much. You can't do all that for everyone else and still have time for a life of your own, let alone a relationship with your husband!!!
Do you like working? Do you need to work to help support the household? I don't think it's fair that you work, and then have to take care of all the household chores too. If you want to or have to work, than those chores need to be shared!
I would be angry too.
Like others said talk to your husband, try and find some balance. You won't be helping anyone if you stretch yourself so thin you can't ever just relax and have fun with your family.
I read a story about a man who comes home and finds the house a mess, the kids hungry, the dog begging for a walk, laundry strewn on the steps, and doesn't see his wife anywhere. He runs up the stairs worried that something has happened to her, and finds her lying in bed...with a book.
He asks her what's going on, and if she is all right.
She says "you know how everyday you come home and ask me what I've done all day?"
He say's "Yeah?"
"Well today, I didn't do it!"

Honestly sometimes I think men are clueless when it comes to all we do everyday. Maybe your husband needs to experience a day in your shoes!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Since you say you are a goal orientated person and you have been mad for 4 days, probably a good thing to step back and not say a thing. Esp. since it involves a GD.

As far as your dh when he says things like that you have to learn how to speak up and negotiate with him. Sounds like he is used to you doing it all. Baby steps.

Like for example, my dh says ____, I tell him that I am not going to be able to take care of that and he is going to have to do it and vice versa. He will tell me that he can't get to something etc....

Then again my dh would never ever have me take car of anything car related unless it was absolutely necessary.

I get dog food, he gets dog food, it is really about upping your communication skills with him. Take him out and sit down and talk. Tell him you have reached your ceiling and figure out things.

The old me would have ripped into him. The new me says, "honey, I am not going to be able to take care of that so you have to do it."

 

[agnes!]

In the future no helpful lmao reminder calls from your DH allowed ...if he can remind then he can do. Maybe from now on, *he* gets to do everything mechanical connected with the cars - inspections, oil changes, etc. Oh, and I think maybe it sounds like he isn't busy enough, I mean he has time to call you and remind you about things...maybe he needs to take over *everything* connected with the dogs - walking, their supplies (food, etc.), vet visits.

I feel for you and I think all of us sometimes have that one little thing that pushes us over the edge. In your situation, it actually isn't that phone call, it's the though (or lack of it) behind the phone-call. "Well, DWife needs reminding, DWife needs to get to get this done, DWife has a day off and she might forget, DWife, DWife, DWife..."

Btw,
Have you ever forgotten a car payment?
Have you ever not gotten the oil changed?
Are all your children getting decent grades, are decent human-beings?


And if the before/after care bothers DH so much, maybe he can arrange to be home for the grand ...

Sometimes people don't have the time to assess exactly what all the ramifications of these extended-family situations can be. They have to basically save someone from a bad outcome and the huge stresses that comes along with that decision are an unwelcome surprise. I bet your DH is stressed out by his DD & the GDD's dad and all the bad choices that they have made and this reminder is one of the ways that stress has come out. I'm not excusing the seeming thoughtlessness of his call, I'm just saying that in his own way he probably feels overwhelmed by the changes that have now been thrust upon your combined-family.

Time for a discussion with no interruptions with DH (no one else).
Time for a discussion with no interruptions with only the teens & your DH (no gdd).
Time for a positive family-meeting with *everyone*, say something like "this is how we are going to work this out, we care about every single person in this room, we love each and every one of you" and then do something together like have some pizza and watch a movie or go to a museum with everyone.

And here's a .
agnes!

 

[iwrbnd]

Do all the things mentioned and then relax with a funny tv show. For me, Will & Grace or The Big Bang Theory always gets me laughing! Hang in there!

 

[lovesmurfs]

First of all, It seems so frustrating for you.

Second, it sounds like your household is operating in what I call silos. Everyone is doing what they think they need to be doing.

I have a 2 hour commute each way, and DH is responsible in the a.m. for both kids -- school, etc. Every Sunday night, we have a "committee" meeting where we all sit down (yes, it's a pain, but we do -- DD10 LOVES it!) and go over each person's plan for the week. This way, we can outline meals, transportation, etc. etc. for the week. We put all of the information on our separate calendars and on the huge calendar in the kitchen. Next month we're going to put meal information on there so the kids (DD10 and DS16) can get dinner started (I leave at 5:30 a.m. and get home at 6:00 p.m.).

You shouldn't be a martyr, but getting upset without a plan to fix the problem is only going to make you seem like the bad guy -- without any help.

I'd also recommend Flylady.net. The control journal helps everyone stay on the same page and move in the right direction. Hang in there.

 

[Robinrs]

 

[HM]

I'm wondering if DH asked about calling to remind you because he sees how busy and pulled in all directions you are and wanted to be helpful. He just didn't show it very well.

Can you go into a talk with him thinking that he has concerns for your workload too? Maybe he hasn't thought to ask about taking on more because you are handling it so far. Maybe he needs you to tell him where you need help, and he'll take on more.

Just wanted to bring another view to this.....

 

[luvsJack]

I agree with AlleyKat, you need to go right ahead and say exactly what you are thinking.

You need him to help more and stop talking about you to his mother. Right? Tell him.

You need him to quit reminding you to do something and do it himself. Right? Tell him

There is absolutely nothing there that is going to be too hard for him so tell him. Holding it all in is not going to do anything but cause you a heart attack.

Your granddaughter is his responsiblity too and her care is something that should be discussed and worked out between the two of you. If he doesn't like the present set up then he can come up with something different.

Do your teens help out? Seems like at least the dogs should be their responsiblity.

 

[surfergirl602]

Wow. I'm sorry!!

It's time to call a FAMILY MEETING!! Sit everyone down and talk!! You aren't superwoman!

 

[SC Minnie]

Wow. I'm sorry!!

It's time to call a FAMILY MEETING!! Sit everyone down and talk!! You aren't superwoman!

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

According to your posts, whatever is happening has been happening for years. Your husband is not a mind reader. If you are angry because you expect him to help out but you haven't asked ...

When you are calm enough to discuss this rationally, sit down with your husband (with no one else around) and bring up your frustrations. Don't make it about him - if you do, he will get defensive and stop listening. Make it about you - your needs, your frustrations. If he cares about you, this will be a whole lot more effective than a b session.

Good luck...

 

[kellyg403]

Thanks for all the posts. A vent is a vent looking for helpful advice and all of you gave that!!! I appreciate it all. Yes, the call wasn't exactly what pushed me over the edge, it was the whole idea. And no, I have never missed an oil change or a car payment...I have my handy dandy notebook!

Yes, a family meeting is in order in a big way. But, hey..no matter what it will get done. I think I push myself harder than any of them..I tend to think sometimes I am the only one able to do anything and do it right. So that is my bust most times when I start to feel like this.

Now, dh. We have been having trouble for about 3 years now. It gets better and then goes back. Not all his fault I am not consistent either. We have worked on things, they are great for awhile both of us making that effort, then it seems likeit goes by the wayside. So, I think consistency is our failure.

Kelly

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Thanks for all the posts. A vent is a vent looking for helpful advice and all of you gave that!!! I appreciate it all. Yes, the call wasn't exactly what pushed me over the edge, it was the whole idea. And no, I have never missed an oil change or a car payment...I have my handy dandy notebook!

Yes, a family meeting is in order in a big way. But, hey..no matter what it will get done. I think I push myself harder than any of them..I tend to think sometimes I am the only one able to do anything and do it right. So that is my bust most times when I start to feel like this.

Now, dh. We have been having trouble for about 3 years now. It gets better and then goes back. Not all his fault I am not consistent either. We have worked on things, they are great for awhile both of us making that effort, then it seems likeit goes by the wayside. So, I think consistency is our failure.

Kelly

The bolded part is what I let go. Then again, dh and I split things up.

I can see where you are having a melt down if you have been having issues with your dh.

What would he say if you told him that you cannot get the car done or pick up the dog food so he needs to put that on his list.

I am getting the impression you feel like the personal assistant to every member in the house.