What do you do in this situation..........help!! Update page 4 :)

[kimblebee]

I'm sorry.. I pretty sure I'm going to be sick until - oh - at least November..

Do you need someone to come and take care of you?

 

[C.Ann]

Do you need someone to come and take care of you?

I....ummm...well...it's a nice offer...and..umm.....but I'm not really sure if it's contagious or not...and....ah...well...I would be horrified if I made anyone else ill!

Yeah - that's it!

 

[Cooky]

.

 

[dimimi]

I realize I am not on board with the other posters, but are you sure you wouldn't have fun with this group. It sounds like you might have fun but your husband may have reservations. I know sometimes we may not want others around, but once we get together we all have a lot of fun. Could you maybe see if your husband would go along with the plans?

 

[scrapquitler]

That might actually work!

You have no idea what it's like to have people "invite themselves" - until you have a place at the lake...

Or near a ski area


I'd go with the "My husband was really hoping for some family time" idea.

 

[TheBigBadWolf]

I'd go with the "My husband was really hoping for some family time" idea.

I think this is your best choice. So sorry you're in this position.

My friend invited herself here for an overnight visit over the 4th, which was fine, I will love to see her. But after we'd talked about it a time or two, she says, "Oh, I forgot to ask.... Can I bring my dog"? OMG, I did not see that one coming. The dog is almost 100 pounds and sheds like crazy. No way it's staying in my house with my 7 pound yorkie. And I don't have a fenced yard, except my fenced horse pastures on three sides of my yard. I don't have a clue what I am going to do with her dog overnight!

 

[npmommie]

ok now what.
so last night I did a quick email, because I know her and I knew she would tell her kids, but I was too late.

plus its a ticketed event we are going to, and she bought the tickets online last night.! ( nothing expensve but you need tix )
so no matter what I said when I emailed , it was too late, she emailed me already this morning to tell me she bought the tix last night and how her kids will be so disappointed and won't even want to go if they don't get to see my kids..........and how she hates to interfere with our family plans but..........on and on.

Honestly at the beach yesterday, there was nothing concrete, when she heard what our plans were and wanted to come along, I just kind of thought well we will see you there kind of thing.

now she wants to meet for dinner and the whole nine yards.
my dh will NOT be happy with that at all,
I also don't understand why her kids can't go and have fun and if we connect great, if we don't oh well.........I think they should still be able to have fun.
I know mine would in that situation.

I think I will have to email her back and just say, we will have to see you there, because I am not going to upset my dh by having to be on a schedule of meeting up with them.

( I won't say the part about upsetting hubby)

or does anyone have any other suggestions?
my dh told me in the future not to disclose plans unless I am sure I want them to butt in

 

[Carly_Roach]

why do I have to cancel, I didn't even INVITE her.LOL. sheesh. Because you agreed to get together. Invitation or not, you missed the window where you could have used the magic word.
we were just talking about what we are doing,
then it was not an oh maybe we will see you there, it was " can we come along with you?" And this is where you could have used the magic word: no.


LOL

I know now I am uncomfortable, and I didn't even think she would invite herself along.
my huibby is not a social butterfly, once in a while, but he likes his family outings with just family sometimes and this is one of those.

anyway,
I know her well, and she is going to be offended whether I do it on the phone or by email. Then why are you asking us what we'd do in this situation? Just write her an email then. Unless what you really want is our validation that you're doing the right thing, in which case I'll have to withhold it. I think a phone call would be more considerate.

My responses are in blue above.

I have to agree with the majority of the posters. I use DH all the time to get out of social situations that I'm not comfortable with and he uses me the same way. He calls it one of the plethera of benefits to being married.

 

[npmommie]

My responses are in blue above.

I have to agree with the majority of the posters. I use DH all the time to get out of social situations that I'm not comfortable with and he uses me the same way. He calls it one of the plethera of benefits to being married.

no I don't want validation
just like to know what others do in uncomfortable situations.

I am going to email her back now, or call her later, and just say, we will have to just see you there.
I am not going to upset dh by also going to dinner with them.
the whole thing is, if it is left as a, we will try to connect with you there, and if we did bump into them, he would be fine, as long as we still do our own thing.........

 

[Magic Mom]

I also don't understand why her kids can't go and have fun and if we connect great, if we don't oh well.........I think they should still be able to have fun.
I know mine would in that situation.

I'm sure she can, but she wanted to enjoy it with you, her friend (at least in her mind). When she asked if she could join you, you didn't say no, so she is acting on the assumption that you are OK with the whole idea or you would have said "no."
It's done now. Just go with the flow meet up with them at the event and enjoy the evening. Your husband is a big boy and can survive the night even thought the plans have changed slightly.

It was impolite of her to invite herself, but it's not her fault that you weren't assertive enough to say no. So either call her now to call the whole thing off, or go and have a good time with friends.

 

[npmommie]

and Carly Roach,
you are right, I did miss the window, it happened so fast,I wasn't expecting it, and didn't think fast enough, but in the future, I NOW KNOW BETTER
and will think faster than fast!!

 

[npmommie]

Can you just call her and say your plans are not firm yet (you're doing something earlier in the day or waiting on something else) and you will just have to see them there rather than go together? A 'we'll look for you when we get there' kind of thing. If she is going to be offended either way, do it whatever way you feel is best. You didn't do anything wrong!

I'm sure she can, but she wanted to enjoy it with you, her friend (at least in her mind). When she asked if she could join you, you didn't say no, so she is acting on the assumption that you are OK with the whole idea or you would have said "no."
It's done now. Just go with the flow meet up with them at the event and enjoy the evening. Your husband is a big boy and can survive the night even thought the plans have changed slightly.

It was impolite of her to invite herself, but it's not her fault that you weren't assertive enough to say no. So either call her now to call the whole thing off, or go and have a good time with friends.

you are right magic mom, i was not assertive enough to say no, I was vague though.
and she is my friend, and we have met up with them for various activities a lot, with and without hubby.
the problem is not her and her husband, her kids like everything to go their way, as in stop to eat when they want, ( frequently), and everything has to be done the way they want, as in stop for this activity now not that one you know what I mean, and she gives in to them on everything.
When I go to a destination, I like to wing it and do things as they come, not like a 12 yo kid says to do it,
he monopolizes things and she goes along with it. I don't know if I am making sense, but its hard to describe without experiencing it.

and from her it's always " well johnny wants to do this now"

ok, enough griping time for my update.

I talked with hubby last night and I emailed her back and said we don't have solid dinner plans yet ( true we are debating whether to go out for seafood ) and I assumed we would meet up before the fireworks at the place, and we could text each other while there to meet.

well she emails back this morning saying she may bag the whole thing because her kids want to be with my kids the WHOLE time, meeting before and going together.and if they can't do that they may not want to go at all! I knew she would pull that because she did it last year.

we both happened to be travelling last year to PA at the same time and I mentioned we would be going to hersheypark while there, she did the same thing and said oh maybe we will go too.
so the day before we touched base, and I said ok, we will hookup at the park bring your phone.
she says no i want to meet before and go together or we are not going.
at that point I didn't care and just said ok fine, and we met up and went together. yes it was annoying.

and the funny thing is we were also meeting my brother who is just as laid back as me, and he says ok we will see you at the park, and we hooked up with him and his son when we got there.

I don't see the problem with me saying lets meet up at the event? its not like its a huge place, its definitely do able to find each other there, especially if we text a meeting spot.


any further advice as to what to do now. I dont want to give in to her again.
but I also dont' want to be at odds with her either.
honestly now I dont' even want to go.

 

[Luvchefmic]

and Carly Roach,
you are right, I did miss the window, it happened so fast,I wasn't expecting it, and didn't think fast enough, but in the future, I NOW KNOW BETTER
and will think faster than fast!!

You have to learn these words..."I will have to get back to you on that..."

Now I have to agree with other pp "Perhaps we will see you there but DH is really looking forward to some family time together" and please say this in a phone call

Seems like you have to be more assertive with her in the future as her plans and her happiness shouldn't revolve around you

 

[chloelovesdisney]

She's manipulating you. Stick to your story that you will meet up sometime there, if she decides to cancel because Johnny's not getting his way from the beginning that's on her.

I'd say we want to take it easy that day, we're not sure what time exactly we are going to leave, where we will want to eat etc., dh doesn't want to make tight plans (I blame everything on dh but he really doesn't like to do much, lol) and if she needs to cancel because of that you'll see each other another time.

Honestly she and her kids sound like pains to deal with, why even bother with them?

 

[npmommie]

She's manipulating you. Stick to your story that you will meet up sometime there, if she decides to cancel because Johnny's not getting his way from the beginning that's on her.

I'd say we want to take it easy that day, we're not sure what time exactly we are going to leave, where we will want to eat etc., dh doesn't want to make tight plans (I blame everything on dh but he really doesn't like to do much, lol) and if she needs to cancel because of that you'll see each other another time.

Honestly she and her kids sound like pains to deal with, why even bother with them?

chloe, this is exactly true, everything you said. and plus it is my hubby's first day of a vacation week, he wants to take it easy.
he knows I am blaming it on him.....LOL.....we always agree we can use the other if needed.
but its really true that he wants to not have a tight schedule, and honestly neither do I.

I will learn the words the previous poster said!!

oh and in her email, she said she never thought about waiting til I checked with my dh, she said she just TELLS her hubby what they are doing whether he likes it or not.
well we don't operate like that here. I thought she knew that, she has known me a long time.

 

[Wishing on a star]

well she emails back this morning saying she may bag the whole thing because her kids want to be with my kids the WHOLE time, meeting before and going together.and if they can't do that they may not want to go at all! I knew she would pull that because she did it last year.


any further advice as to what to do now. I dont want to give in to her again.
but I also dont' want to be at odds with her either.
honestly now I dont' even want to go.

Sorry, but she is USING her son to control you and your entire family...... (and this seems to be her ongoing mode of operation)

I think you have your answer in the bolded above.

With friends like this, who needs enemies.
She has turned a vague conversation into - 'I am completely in control, we will meet at this place at this time, and if things don't go the way my little Johnny wants, then we will have a hissy fit, and be greatly offended and deeply hurt...

This is called 'falling on knives' as a mode of control and manipulation.

Tell her that she is welcome to back out if she wishes.
Do not give her any clue as to when and where you may be prior to the culmination of this ticketed event.

Re-evaluate just how close you want/need this friendship to be.

I think that, in this example, your husband merits some respect.
I think that, in this example, your husband should come first.
There is no way that I would let this kind of 'friendship' negatively affect my marriage.

 

[Luvchefmic]

chloe, this is exactly true, everything you said. and plus it is my hubby's first day of a vacation week, he wants to take it easy.
he knows I am blaming it on him.....LOL.....we always agree we can use the other if needed.
but its really true that he wants to not have a tight schedule, and honestly neither do I.

I will learn the words the previous poster said!!

oh and in her email, she said she never thought about waiting til I checked with my dh, she said she just TELLS her hubby what they are doing whether he likes it or not.well we don't operate like that here. I thought she knew that, she has known me a long time.

While I was reading it never even occurred to me she had a husband
maybe she is looking for a friend that will eventually be on the divorce court steps at the same time....seriously family first friends later...and friends that are true friends don't smother each other...maybe time to re-evaluate your situation with her

 

[Wishing on a star]

c
oh and in her email, she said she never thought about waiting til I checked with my dh, she said she just TELLS her hubby what they are doing whether he likes it or not.

Wow!!!!!
She is a manipulative controlling little thing now isn't she!!!

OP, do NOT let this 'friend' affect your holiday with your husband.

 

[krcit]

She's manipulating you. Stick to your story that you will meet up sometime there, if she decides to cancel because Johnny's not getting his way from the beginning that's on her.

I'd say we want to take it easy that day, we're not sure what time exactly we are going to leave, where we will want to eat etc., dh doesn't want to make tight plans (I blame everything on dh but he really doesn't like to do much, lol) and if she needs to cancel because of that you'll see each other another time.

Honestly she and her kids sound like pains to deal with, why even bother with them?

I agree with this. She's really saying "My way or the highway" so let it be the highway She invited herself andf is now trying to run the show. Don't give in. Just don't. If she pulls that again about now the kids don't even want to go, answer with something like "Oh, that's too bad.Ok then. Have a great holiday."

 

[luvmy3]

Just be firm, tell her that you would love to meet her after/before dinner, but you have other plans as a family that you don't want to or can't (because of your dh) change.