What do you do if you really dislike your child's girlfriend?

[Tink888]

Like others have said, the most you can do is offer your opinion. Be careful not to bad mouth the girl as that approach only seems to make the attraction even stronger.

Hope for the best and pray, pray, pray that your step-son sees the light as soon as possible.

I feel bad for you, that's an awful situation to be in. Hopefully things will all work out.

 

[bunny]

With regards to my husband and his ex, he doesn't want his son going down the same road he went down. He made a poor decision concerning who to date and obviously sleep with. He has spent 21 years dealing with a woman of poor moral character who made our lives hell at times. In hindsight, he wishes his own parents had stepped in and said something. He loves his son dearly but doesn't want his son to spend the next 18 years paying child support, fighting over visitation and worrying about the kind of environment his child is exposed to like he had to.

 

[Silent1CB]

There is so much identifying info in the original post its not funny. For your sake, I really hope he never finds what you've written. Jeesh, you even wrote where she works.

I would stay out of their business. He's an adult. They don't live with you. You aren't supporting him or them.

You can have rules for when they are at your house, but you don't get to lay down his rules for him anymore once he is out of your house. Sorry.

It might be one thing for his dad to say something to him alone to not repeat his past, but it should not be coming from both of you. You aren't his mom.

 

[bunny]

It might be one thing for his dad to say something to him alone to not repeat his past, but it should not be coming from both of you. You aren't his mom.

I have been his stepmom for 15 years and consider him one of my children.

 

[NotUrsula]

I'm not talking about the religious aspect. I'm talking about decency. Maybe she doesn't know any other way to act because she hasn't seen it. Seeing how "normal" couples interact and can love may help influence her. This may very well be the first decent guy she has dated and slowly starting to understand.

I know that being a Christian is important and acting in the manner you approve. That just isn't the most important thing right now. It's about showing her how to act like a lady and growing up to love and be loved. All that will fall in line with her religious choices.

I agree. In fact, the OP probably should tone down the "Christian" references as her reasons for her opinions, because in situations like this it comes across as very holier-than-thou, and that makes people defensive. It isn't the right thing to do because it's the Christian thing to do, it's the right thing to do because it just is.

Lovemygoofy is exactly right. If the GF isn't hostile, then she really probably doesn't know any better. As a high-school coach of mine famously used to say, "she ain't got not home trainin'!" Because she is so young, your best hope is being nice to her and modeling how upstanding people behave minute-to-minute. Being an upstanding citizen and taking responsibility for yourself isn't dependent on religion -- it is all about having a realistic sense of what is possible. People like this have very low goals because they think that they are big goals -- the simplest accomplishments that middle-class people take for granted seem very pie-in-the-sky to them.

 

[Silent1CB]

I'm not talking about the religious aspect. I'm talking about decency. Maybe she doesn't know any other way to act because she hasn't seen it. Seeing how "normal" couples interact and can love may help influence her. This may very well be the first decent guy she has dated and slowly starting to understand.

I know that being a Christian is important and acting in the manner you approve. That just isn't the most important thing right now. It's about showing her how to act like a lady and growing up to love and be loved. All that will fall in line with her religious choices.

Another anology....how the Royals groomed Lady Diana into becoming Princess Di.

Sometimes grooming doesn't work, but you can sure try.

On second thought, bad analogy. They really didn't groom her, they just sort of thru her into the lion cage.

 

[LuvOrlando]

Couldn't you invite him over to dinner ALONE to see what his intentions are for this girl. If she is just fun the next topic should probably be why it's a good idea to keep fun-time partners away from family gatherings. Most young people get that they should only bring the most serious boy/girlfriends to holiday dinners, how did he miss that conversation? If you and your DH didn't have that conversation yet now is probably a good time to point out the difference between infatuation and love, and that only one type belongs near the family.

 

[Silent1CB]

I agree. In fact, the OP probably should tone down the "Christian" references as her reasons for her opinions, because in situations like this it comes across as very holier-than-thou, and that makes people defensive. It isn't the right thing to do because it's the Christian thing to do, it's the right thing to do because it just is.

I agree. I get turned off by people who are always talking about religion. Its not a common occurance where we live. I know it its in other parts of the country however. She might be the same way.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Really??? So basically all parenting ends at age 18? Having a baby out of wedlock with a girl whose biggest ambition is working a minimum wage job is a decision that he will have to deal with for the rest of his life.

Parenting does not end at 18.

However, your the ability to call the shots does end at 18 or at the moment that your son left your home and your budget to begin a life of his own.

It is naive to believe that we can control our kids forever and what will happen when you attempt to call the shots on whom your son can date, you will find a reality worse than you could have ever imagine as even adult children will rebel against controlling parents.

You had your opportunity to raise him (or his mom and dad did, not sure!)--under your guidelines and expectations from age 0 (or whenever you arrived) until age 18. He now has the chance to spread his wings and fly and as long as she isn't breaking any laws or encouraging him to break laws, it is truly honestly best to stay out of it unless he solicits your opinion.

It seems crazy and hard to do especially since you have admitted to running your home from the Christian perspective and it is heartbreaking to watch the kids leave that.

Noone is saying you have to like or endorse or even approve of what he does.

All we are saying is that he is a grown man and the more you try to control anything that he does, the less likely he will allow that to happen.

You know--you attract more bees with honey. And often the quickest way to get rid of someone sometimes is to fawn over them. If the relationship isn't serious, it tends to die off quickly.

My sister and brother were both in relationships that were abusive for one (sister) and toxic for the other (brother).

It was difficult to not say anything when we had no facts. And in my sister's case at least--she wonders why noone would say anything. But honestly, she woudln't have listened. She had her mind made up and at least in our presences, her DH was okay. Not someone I would date, but no red flags went off that said run for the hills. I wouldn't have suggested she married him, but it wasn't my place to stop it either. Sometimes people have to make their mistakes. Only when there is danger do you intervene. In her case, we had no idea of the danger until after all was said and done and they were married and she finally left him.

I'd also stop trying to convert her. It is okay to have her come to church or witness your christianity in action. It is entirely different to be recruiting her (if that makes sense..I can't think of another word.)

 

[mrsklamc]

How did she get the alcohol?

and maybe you can help me understand something- if you don't approve of them living together why did you allow him to bring her at all? I have family who say they 'don't approve' of their child living with this girl but they visit the young couple in their home and allow them to come to theirs- actions are louder than words and that seems a lot like approval to me.

 

[bunny]

I'd also stop trying to convert her. It is okay to have her come to church or witness your christianity in action. It is entirely different to be recruiting her (if that makes sense..I can't think of another word.)

I wasn't trying to convert her. She had only been to church a handful of times and had some questions after the service. So I answered them but left it at that.

She got the alcohol at a party we all attended. We don't have alcohol in our home.

We let them stay in our house but didn't let them sleep in the same room. Truthfully I felt funny about that, but in an attempt to spend time with him, we really didn't want them staying in a hotel. Although I did tell my husband, the next time they visit this might be the best option for them.

 

[manning]

Life's lessons. Some lessons are pleasant some aren't.

He is going to have to learn this lesson on his own. You don't like it, but he is an adult.

 

[chloelovesdisney]

I don't hold things in, so I would tell him that his girlfriend and family are losers and they need to get lost. Except I wouldn't say it that nicely. I'll get points for writing what I would actually say.

 

[Nancyg56]

You do NOTHING. You stay out of his business and his personal life. You don't offer your take on their situation...that means you don't tell them that you don't approve of them living together, or tell them they need to wait to have a baby.

You butt out.

You offer love and support despite poor decisions, so that your stepson knows he can always call you for support. He is 21 and an adult. He WILL make bad choices. He WILL make mistakes.

Exactly right

Really??? So basically all parenting ends at age 18? Having a baby out of wedlock with a girl whose biggest ambition is working a minimum wage job is a decision that he will have to deal with for the rest of his life.

As others have said you do not get to make his decisions for him any longer. You can offer advice but then you need to let it go. If you show that you do not approve your son will be forced to defend her and if he was going to move on he may not. Personal experience talking.

If my own parents had just let me work things out for myself I would never have married my first husband but the more they told me how wrong he was for me the more I wanted to prove them wrong. I was way too young to know that I should have listened to them. When my own son dated a girl that I detested my DH told me to stop...just stop. He said if I could not say something nice to just say nothing. My DS knew me well enough tto know I did not like the girl but I bit my tongue, was always nice and soon he figured out that they would not be a match. When I was pointing out her faults he just dug his heels in.

I'm sure my answer won't be popular. Instead of judging this girl, who obviously doesn't know any better or wasn't taught better, try to help this girl. She obviously means something to your son and they are living together. How about instead of making her out to be trash that he should walk away from, try to help her learn a different way. If this girl is wanting a baby that bad, it's not just because of the money train. She is looking for love.

I know it all sounds corny but I've seen it over and over again. When these people don't know better, they have to learn somewhere else. You can't do anything as he is an adult and making his own choices. You can love your son and try to help his girlfriend become a better woman.

This is the route I would take. She has already joined you at Church so maybe she is looking for guidance or friendship. See how that goes, it cannot hurt ad your son would see how she behaves in your presence.