What Can She Do?

[luvsJack]

I spent a good part of this afternoon on the phone with my sister in law (Dh's brother's wife). Her oldest son is around 27 and married with a 4 year old.

Apparently he and his wife have been having some serious problems. She has some psychological problems that she is not dealing with and he keeps hiding his head in the sand so it has all come to a head. Anyway, they were seperated for a time. Then she decided she wanted to try a reconcilliation so they were trying that but fighting constantly.

Now it has been discovered he must have been seeing someone during the seperation and this woman told them a few days ago that she is pregnant. So the wife is naturally very upset and crying. SIL thinks she is being overly dramatic and trying to just not deal with any of it. The wife is a drama queen but I can certainly sympathize with the girl and understand her being so upset this time. But, she has done so much in the past that she has lost Sil's sympathy.

The wife and a friend start getting in touch with the "pregnant" woman. Telling her she should get an abortion, that he won't have anything to do with the baby and so on. Finally the woman says "I don't want to talk to any of you anymore. There is no baby". So, as usual for him, he is sticking his head in the sand and decided to believe that there is no child (she has not told HIM that at all, but his wife won't let him talk to the woman) and says he is fixing things with his wife and if it turns out there is a baby he will deal with that later.

Sil is so angry she isn't speaking to him right now. She is angry that they have acted so stupid as to cause this mess in the first place and she feels because he put his self in that situation he should man-up and find out for SURE if there is a baby or not. But he is going to do what he is going to do and she cannot really control that.

She is very worried that this woman IS pregnant and she is going to have a grandchild that she will never know. She wants to try to talk to the woman. (she knows the company she works for but not exactly what location). If her dil finds out that she talks to her, she will be angry FOREVER (as in if the girl is pregnant it will all somehow be sil's fault, thats just the way her dil sees things) but then again, what if there is a baby and she doesn't try to talk to the woman and neither does her son?

So what do you all think she should do??


I swear to you this is NOT the latest story line for some soap opera, sadly it is all true.

 

[castmemberb4]

I hope for the sake of the other woman and non existant baby that she can get away from this crazy situation and raise her baby in peace. She is never going to get any support emotional or othewise from the father.

 

[stinkerbelle's mom]

Yikes.

I think she needs to talk to her son alone.

 

[Liberty Belle]

Wow. That's a tough one.

I really don't have any advice, but I'd be devastated if I knew I had a grandchild out there that I couldn't see.

 

[luvsJack]

I hope for the sake of the other woman and non existant baby that she can get away from this crazy situation and raise her baby in peace. She is never going to get any support emotional or othewise from the father.

I agree and I think my Sil does too.

But, she can't stand the thought of not knowing her grandchild (if there is one). The rest of the family is very loving and would be there for the child emotionally and financially. If there is a baby, she really wants to be there for them.

 

[snowywhite89]

I spent a good part of this afternoon on the phone with my sister in law (Dh's brother's wife). Her oldest son is around 27 and married with a 4 year old.

Apparently he and his wife have been having some serious problems. She has some psychological problems that she is not dealing with and he keeps hiding his head in the sand so it has all come to a head. Anyway, they were seperated for a time. Then she decided she wanted to try a reconcilliation so they were trying that but fighting constantly.

Now it has been discovered he must have been seeing someone during the seperation and this woman told them a few days ago that she is pregnant. So the wife is naturally very upset and crying. SIL thinks she is being overly dramatic and trying to just not deal with any of it. The wife is a drama queen but I can certainly sympathize with the girl and understand her being so upset this time. But, she has done so much in the past that she has lost Sil's sympathy.

The wife and a friend start getting in touch with the "pregnant" woman. Telling her she should get an abortion, that he won't have anything to do with the baby and so on. Finally the woman says "I don't want to talk to any of you anymore. There is no baby". So, as usual for him, he is sticking his head in the sand and decided to believe that there is no child (she has not told HIM that at all, but his wife won't let him talk to the woman) and says he is fixing things with his wife and if it turns out there is a baby he will deal with that later.

Sil is so angry she isn't speaking to him right now. She is angry that they have acted so stupid as to cause this mess in the first place and she feels because he put his self in that situation he should man-up and find out for SURE if there is a baby or not. But he is going to do what he is going to do and she cannot really control that.

She is very worried that this woman IS pregnant and she is going to have a grandchild that she will never know. She wants to try to talk to the woman. (she knows the company she works for but not exactly what location). If her dil finds out that she talks to her, she will be angry FOREVER (as in if the girl is pregnant it will all somehow be sil's fault, thats just the way her dil sees things) but then again, what if there is a baby and she doesn't try to talk to the woman and neither does her son?

So what do you all think she should do??


I swear to you this is NOT the latest story line for some soap opera, sadly it is all true.

Your SIL needs to stay out of this. She may become a grandma again and needs to bit her tongue if she has any hope of having the grandchild in her life.

Her son definitely screwed up. Being separated does not give one the right to screw around.

The SIL's DS needs to find out if she really is pregnant. If so, then he will be paying child support and have visitation.

The SIL's DIL calling and telling the women to get an abortion is just wrong.

 

[Hannathy]

I think she should back away and mind her own business. This is her son's business not hers.

She should absolutely not try to or to talk to the "other woman" it is not her place and If I was that woman she would be facing harassment or a restraining order if she tried to go to where I worked and looked for me. If the woman does not want the son to know about the baby guess what he won't and neither will she. Her son should have kept his pants on or been smarter in 9th grade health class then he wouldn't have this problem.

Actually I would be so disgusted with my son he would be getting an earful from me.

If she wants to do anything useful she should be making sure her grandchild she does have is being adequately cared for physically and mentally and love that poor child to death because with two parents like they are living with they will need all the help and love they can get.

 

[luvsJack]

Yikes.

I think she needs to talk to her son alone.

Right now his wife will not "allow" him to talk to anyone alone (which causes a whole different set of ranting and raving from sil when she thinks about it) but hopefully she will be able to before long.

Dh says that before anything can be solved, he will have to "grow a pair".

Wow. That's a tough one.

I really don't have any advice, but I'd be devastated if I knew I had a grandchild out there that I couldn't see.

I know! When we were talking about it, I kept think about what if my dil had not told ds she was pregnant and we had not been able to have our precious dgd!! It brought tears to my eyes just thinking about it!

 

[We_Love_Disney]

My suggestion is for her to do nothing. If there is a child, soon enough she will be made aware of it. Right now, there is nothing she can do, except cause more drama. It isn't really her concern, it is between her son and his wife and this woman. It is a bad situation all around.

 

[luvsJack]

I think she should back away and mind her own business. This is her son's business not hers.

She should absolutely not try to or to talk to the "other woman" it is not her place and If I was that woman she would be facing harassment or a restraining order if she tried to go to where I worked and looked for me. If the woman does not want the son to know about the baby guess what he won't and neither will she. Her son should have kept his pants on or been smarter in 9th grade health class then he wouldn't have this problem.

Actually I would be so disgusted with my son he would be getting an earful from me.

If she wants to do anything useful she should be making sure her grandchild she does have is being adequately cared for physically and mentally and love that poor child to death because with two parents like they are living with they will need all the help and love they can get.

She is disgusted with her son and her dil, but that isn't exactly helping the situation. Her grandchild is very well taken care of. He stays with her a lot so she is able to monitor that constantly. Believe it or not, her son is really a good father. Its adult relationships he seems to have issues with.

I don't think that it is exactly that the woman doesn't want him to know, I think she was badgered by the dil and friend until she just didn't want to talk to them anymore. But that is the other side to it, if the woman doesn't want to talk to her there won't be much she can do.

IMHO, if this is her grandchild, it IS her business.

 

[tink20]

I don't think there is really anything she can do right now. She really does need to talk to her son, if she wants to speak with the other woman. If I were her, I would just give it some time to all settle down a little. I wish her the best, and hope everything works out for the best.

 

[Kat77]

Right now his wife will not "allow" him to talk to anyone alone (which causes a whole different set of ranting and raving from sil when she thinks about it) but hopefully she will be able to before long.

Dh says that before anything can be solved, he will have to "grow a pair".


I know! When we were talking about it, I kept think about what if my dil had not told ds she was pregnant and we had not been able to have our precious dgd!! It brought tears to my eyes just thinking about it!

Very wise man. Maybe he could say exactly that to his nephew? Sometimes it has to come from a man for a boy to hear it.
to your family. This whole situation stinks!

 

[S. C.]

Wow. That's a tough one.

I really don't have any advice, but I'd be devastated if I knew I had a grandchild out there that I couldn't see.

I agree!

 

[luvsJack]

Your SIL needs to stay out of this. She may become a grandma again and needs to bit her tongue if she has any hope of having the grandchild in her life.

Her son definitely screwed up. Being separated does not give one the right to screw around.

The SIL's DS needs to find out if she really is pregnant. If so, then he will be paying child support and have visitation.

The SIL's DIL calling and telling the women to get an abortion is just wrong.

Sil and I both totally agree that her son messed up in a HUGE way. And if there is a baby he SHOULD pay child support. And the dil was completely wrong. Sil is in NO WAY thinking that her son was right in any of this. If it wasn't for her grandson, she would probably cut them both off for the stuff they have done.

Her worry is that the woman will have this child and NOT ask for child support or anything and then she will not know the child.

 

[C.Ann]

It would probably kill me, but I would not get involved if I were her..

There are already too many "adults" in this mix.. They all need to work it out amongst themselves.. JMO..

 

[Hannathy]

Her worry is that the woman will have this child and NOT ask for child support or anything and then she will not know the child.

And she is right. She may very well never know if there is a child out there that is related to her. But that is the chance that is taken when your own child messes around.

It is one of the things if you have a son you should make sure they think about before they do anything with a girl. If she gets pregnant and doesn't want to tell you, you may very well have a child out there you will never know. Can you live with that? if not then choose your partners carefully and use precautions religiously and correctly.

 

[wdwmom0f3]

Her son needs to find out if there is a baby or not right now. His wife should have never called the other woman, and his mom needs to stay out of it all together, except to advise him to find out the truth about the baby. He has made this mess, and he needs to be responsible for cleaning it up.

 

[chloelovesdisney]

The best thing is probably to stay out of it for now.

 

[luvsJack]

Very wise man. Maybe he could say exactly that to his nephew? Sometimes it has to come from a man for a boy to hear it.
to your family. This whole situation stinks!

Thanks for the hugs. And I think dh will be telling his nephew that and a few other things. He is just livid to think that he isn't doing anything more just to find out for sure that she isn't pregnant. He is just grabbing at what is easy (or what is easy at the moment).

 

[The Mystery Machine]

If your SIL "wants to be involved" then she needs to be supportive. "Scorching the earth" at this time is something that is counterproductive.

It is possible to have a totally seperate relationship away from the father of this child, if there is one. All hope is not lost.

She just has to stay out of the son/girlfriend issue and forge her own thing with this woman if a baby comes from this.

So my suggestion to you is to tell her to chill with things and see what happens. Tell her the more she pushes the more she sets herself up for failure.