What are your thoughts on this idea?

[Ms. Shuttergirl]

Background - As I have mentioned in the past my FIL has been battling cancer for nearly 3 years and it looks as though the end is very close. We have our fingers crossed that he will still be with us over Christmas and I feel sure he will do his absolute best to hold on so we can all enjoy one last Christmas together. It has been a long time coming but is still quite shocking now that reality is setting in. He is becoming very tired now and I think he is ready and my MIL is at peace with the next phase too.

I definitely think this experience has had some impact on my husband's finally deciding that the big house on the hill could wait for now and that sharing these travel experiences with our family needed to become our priority for now.

Of course, we would love to be able to do both , but the reality is that it would have been a struggle to manage both I think.


My question - I am thinking when we take our trip to the US and Canada next Christmas that it would be nice to invite my MIL along with us. It would be her first Christmas in 45 years without her husband and I wonder whether doing something completely and utterly different from her normal would be an nicer and easier way for her to get through that first Christmas without him. And the kids would love having her with them.

Of course she may well not wish to come with us at all but I just want to be sure we have weighed up all the pros and cons of what it would be like for her to come with us before we ask her along. I realise I am getting ahead of myself but I value your thoughts and I know many of you have travelled with in-laws before and can point out positives and negatives that we should weigh up before making any final decisions.

I hope I am explaining myself properly here. I love my mother-in-law dearly and for the most part we get along famously. However, she can be a little bossy at times and perhaps weighs in with her opinions a little more than my DH and I like. I am wanting to be sure that the little annoyances will not impact on my family having a tremendous holiday. I genuinely think she will enhance the trip but hearing about other people's experiences will be really helpful in case there are some things I haven't quite thought of.

The reason I am thinking about this now is because it would change the type of accommodations we would need to book because we would be a family of 5 rather than a family of 4 and for those with larger families, you know that this creates new challenges for accom.

Any stories, thoughts, advice, thumbs ups, thumbs downs you can share would be great.

 

[battymum]

I was only going to pipe up and say your accomodation options will be limited - but looks like you have already thought of that.

It will also be different to travelling with your own kids - ie you probably dont want to be all in the same room - even if it will sleep five. We stayed at Hard Rock Hotel with five in a room - but it was 2 beds and a rollaway -

You're probably going to have to spring for two rooms -I know you have stayed at Pop before - I maintain I would rather have two rooms here than squished in one somewhere more expensive, your DD could share with Grandma - and DS could have his own bed with you.

As far as holidaying with your MIL - for me, I would rather be shot in the head - only you can decide.

 

[Ms. Shuttergirl]

As far as holidaying with your MIL - for me, I would rather be shot in the head - only you can decide.

bwahahahaha.

Do you think it would be too close quarters for my DH and I to share a double bed, MIL and DD to share the other double and for DS to sleep on a rollaway?

At Pop you are right, it would probably be economical but certainly not in NYC, etc.

 

[WAMUMOF4]

i'm with battymum on this one no way on earth would i consider holidaying with either of our parents

Room size it makes a big difference having the extra people and personally i think it would be way to close having her sleep in the same room as you maybe MIL would like the really comfy sofa bed at Doubletree in NY

 

[battymum]

Try Doubletree Guest Suites in NYC - there is a seperate living area with sofa bed - apparently its pretty comfortable - the bedroom has two doubles - and the bathroom has access from either room.

This would suit as long as she is OK with sleeping on a sofa bed.

 

[Ms. Shuttergirl]

Great minds - I was definitely thinking Doubletree for NYC. I'm the night owl so perhaps I would take the sofa bed, let MIL sleep with DD and let DH and DS share.

The problems would arise in Washington, Boston, and in all of Canada, hmmmm.

 

[WAMUMOF4]

We stayed at the Embassy suites in Canada there was a sofa bed in the lounge room there as well and i highly recommend it although we took the mattress of and put it in our room so we could all wake up to sunrise over Niagara falls was so worth the money.

 

[carnival kid]

We took my mum with us on our last trip to USA.She is newly single and would never travel like that on her own. Our DD was also 10 months at that stage so i would help us out as well.

In LA we satyed in a suite with 2 bedrooms.
In Anaheim we had 2 rooms that joined by an internal door
In Vegas we had a 2 bedroom suite.

We paid for her airfare in return for her babysitting duties while we were away. We split the room costs 50/50 and other things like entry fees she paid all for herself.

We made it very clear before we went on the type of things we intended to do and the type of holiday we wanted to have - a very active on-the-go one.

We also discussed that is OK if we didnt all want to do the same things all the time. we were happy to split up and do our own thing.

As she is a bit older she couldnt and didnt want to keep up our pace or our late nights so she would go back to the room usually with our little one and we would get the night to ourselves.
So in this way it was a real benifit for us.

 

[Caroline NZ]

Hi,
We (me DH, DS9 & DD6) travelled with my MIL on our holiday last May. It was great, and I hope an amazing experience for her to see what we are so passionate about. We stayed at 4 difference places in all ( Embassy Suites SFO - 1 bedroom with fold out in the lounge, Pismo Lighthouse Beach Suites -bed in main area plus separate bedroom, Homewood Suites San Diego - 2 bedroom suite & Hojos Anaheim - 2 interconnecting rooms). My MIL is an amazingly accomodating woman though, and went along 110% with whatever we wanted to do. My DD slept in MILs bed for the whole trip ( even though she was meant to share with her brother and at Hojos even have her own queen bed - so we ended up with one bed spare!)

 

[aussietravellers]

As far as holidaying with your MIL - for me, I would rather be shot in the head - only you can decide.

Funny, I was thinking... I would rather run my face over a cheese grater than travel with my MIL.


That being said Ms.Shuttergirl, your post made me cry

I think it would be a truely wonderful, thoughtful thing to do The first's are SO hard (seconds are hard too, but firsts are the worst) when you have lost your significant other and times like Christmas, when they have spent soooo many of those together, it will be one of those difficult times for her so going away, in a different environment, will help and maybe ease that pain a little (provided she wants to go).

It would be great though if you were able to have a second room or like suggested, a suite with multiple rooms so that you do have a bit of an escape when you are wanting to tear your hair out or scream into a pillow I found when we travelled to WDW with my mum a few years back (we had separate rooms), she was happy to go back to the hotel in the afternoon and have a nap (got to love the nanna nap), so hopefully your MIL may like some of her own time and give you a little space on occasion.

You will have a built in babysitter if you and your DH wanted some mummy/daddy time (even though your kids are getting older). If your kids are like mine, he loves having Granny around.

Anyway it is a lovely thought to think of her

PS, Im sorry about your FIL, hope your family has a special Christmas with him this year

 

[battymum]

The other problem is getting about - you will be too many for a taxi and you will need to hire a bigger car if you are driving.

 

[Travel Mum]

Reading these responses has made me remember how lucky I am with both my mother-in-law and my father-in-law as I truly love them both. Without hesitation, I would say to offer to take your mother-in-law as what a great way to soften, what will no doubt be, the toughest Christmas of her life. In the same situation, I'd take my mother-in-law but it would be DH who would have the bigger objection about taking his mother!

 

[Travel Mum]

The other problem is getting about - you will be too many for a taxi and you will need to hire a bigger car if you are driving.

Yes, Battymum is really enlightening you into the "joys" of travelling as a family of five !!

 

[australiankaren]

hey

i say do it

plenty of planers on the boards to make it drama free..and just reinforce the things you want to do.....

also, does she have a friend/ sister she may like to bring along..the more the merrier; then she wont feel like the 5th wheel too much.

good on you for being so nice

 

[Caroline NZ]

We had a Ford Taurus for the full 3 1/2 weeks. It was amply big enough, and we would have hired that level of car even if had just been the 4 of us, for the extra comfort. Nana was great at diffusing the fights that were continually threatening to break out on the back seat ( Ms Shuttergirl, hopefully with your children being older you won't have the same problem!).

 

[shushh]

I say go for it!

Disclaimer...this is coming from someone who travels frequently with both parents or parents-in-laws! We get along well with each other and because we've lived with both sets of parents, we are very comfortable around each other (sometimes too shamelessly so...). It doesn't mean that we don't irritate each or that we don't argue but we let it all out and we are open and honest about expectations.

A few others have already mentioned some great tips to avoid misunderstanding and arguments. eg outlining clear expectations of who is to pay for what, what sort of holiday you want to have, making sure everyone is happy with sleeping arrangements, etc We are all comfortable sharing the same room so it helps with costs in cities which aren't cheap! Parents are also happy to sleep with the grandchildren. Yay!!!

Also I find that giving others the opportunity for their own time and space helps. I usually tell those travelling with me what I will be doing on the day, and that I would love for them to join me but I won't be offended if they would prefer to do something else. There are also some things which I would like to do with just our family (very few) which I tell them very early on and they are usually cool with that.

I personally have loved it for many reasons. For one, its great fun! It is so nice to share experiences with family members, to have them right there next to you seeing and feeling the same things as you are. The children LOVE it, as do the parents and the in-laws. They really do find it special being able to travel with the grandchildren, and showing them the world. As a result, they are usually more than happy to do things for the parents...like babysitting for nice dinners out or watching shows!

The memories and experiences are priceless and far outweigh any minor inconveniences or moments of angst! As for logistics, yes it is a bit harder but not impossible. And seeing as you're going to the states rather than Europe, it is definitely easier to organise, and not too much more expensive! Come talk to me...master of travelling with hordes.

 

[ame]

That is really thoughtful of you to include you MIL at a difficult time. It sounds like you have a healthy communicative relationship with her. But I will offer a slightly different perspective. She may not want to go away. She may just want to stay at home in familiar surroundings.

If I were to take my mum I'd be looking at making sure she had a room separate from us (or in a 2br place) for the first few nights, so those first days when everybody is a bit feral and emotions are heightened, you can all have a little space.

We struggled in Canada (Vancouver) to find what we were looking for (we also lik to have a stove if we're staying for a few days). We ended up booking VRBO for our 11 days in Vancouver. We arrive in Van on Thursday, so don't know how it is yet! But the cost per night was about $130 for the same product as $250 commercial.

And if you didn't see the link I posted earlier http://sixsuitcasetravel.com/

As for hire cars, we always get a Chrysler Town and Country. So much room (even with all our bags), under floor storage and a reversing camera

 

[Ms. Shuttergirl]

We stayed at the Embassy suites in Canada there was a sofa bed in the lounge room there as well and i highly recommend it although we took the mattress of and put it in our room so we could all wake up to sunrise over Niagara falls was so worth the money.

Thanks for sharing the name of where you stayed. I'll make sure to check it out.

We took my mum with us on our last trip to USA.She is newly single and would never travel like that on her own. Our DD was also 10 months at that stage so i would help us out as well.

In LA we satyed in a suite with 2 bedrooms.
In Anaheim we had 2 rooms that joined by an internal door
In Vegas we had a 2 bedroom suite.

We paid for her airfare in return for her babysitting duties while we were away. We split the room costs 50/50 and other things like entry fees she paid all for herself.

We made it very clear before we went on the type of things we intended to do and the type of holiday we wanted to have - a very active on-the-go one.

We also discussed that is OK if we didnt all want to do the same things all the time. we were happy to split up and do our own thing.

As she is a bit older she couldnt and didnt want to keep up our pace or our late nights so she would go back to the room usually with our little one and we would get the night to ourselves.
So in this way it was a real benifit for us.

Thank you for sharing your experience. It sounds like it worked out beautifully for your trip

Hi,
We (me DH, DS9 & DD6) travelled with my MIL on our holiday last May. It was great, and I hope an amazing experience for her to see what we are so passionate about. We stayed at 4 difference places in all ( Embassy Suites SFO - 1 bedroom with fold out in the lounge, Pismo Lighthouse Beach Suites -bed in main area plus separate bedroom, Homewood Suites San Diego - 2 bedroom suite & Hojos Anaheim - 2 interconnecting rooms). My MIL is an amazingly accomodating woman though, and went along 110% with whatever we wanted to do. My DD slept in MILs bed for the whole trip ( even though she was meant to share with her brother and at Hojos even have her own queen bed - so we ended up with one bed spare!)

Sounds like your kids really enjoyed having her along.

Funny, I was thinking... I would rather run my face over a cheese grater than travel with my MIL.


That being said Ms.Shuttergirl, your post made me cry

I think it would be a truely wonderful, thoughtful thing to do The first's are SO hard (seconds are hard too, but firsts are the worst) when you have lost your significant other and times like Christmas, when they have spent soooo many of those together, it will be one of those difficult times for her so going away, in a different environment, will help and maybe ease that pain a little (provided she wants to go).

It would be great though if you were able to have a second room or like suggested, a suite with multiple rooms so that you do have a bit of an escape when you are wanting to tear your hair out or scream into a pillow I found when we travelled to WDW with my mum a few years back (we had separate rooms), she was happy to go back to the hotel in the afternoon and have a nap (got to love the nanna nap), so hopefully your MIL may like some of her own time and give you a little space on occasion.

You will have a built in babysitter if you and your DH wanted some mummy/daddy time (even though your kids are getting older). If your kids are like mine, he loves having Granny around.

Anyway it is a lovely thought to think of her

PS, Im sorry about your FIL, hope your family has a special Christmas with him this year

Thanks aussietravellers. The built in babysitter angle hadn't crossed my mind until now but I'm starting to warm to the idea

The other problem is getting about - you will be too many for a taxi and you will need to hire a bigger car if you are driving.

We don't drive in the US so the hire car wouldn't be a problem. We generally organise for a private transfer from all airports so we'd have to organise SUV style arrangements rather than the sedan I guess

Reading these responses has made me remember how lucky I am with both my mother-in-law and my father-in-law as I truly love them both. Without hesitation, I would say to offer to take your mother-in-law as what a great way to soften, what will no doubt be, the toughest Christmas of her life. In the same situation, I'd take my mother-in-law but it would be DH who would have the bigger objection about taking his mother!

Yes my DH does have some concerns because on occasion his mother can drive him a little crazy but for the most part, they do get along well.

hey

i say do it

plenty of planers on the boards to make it drama free..and just reinforce the things you want to do.....

also, does she have a friend/ sister she may like to bring along..the more the merrier; then she wont feel like the 5th wheel too much.

good on you for being so nice

Karen, I'm not sure whether there is anyone she would like to bring along. That's a good option too.

We had a Ford Taurus for the full 3 1/2 weeks. It was amply big enough, and we would have hired that level of car even if had just been the 4 of us, for the extra comfort. Nana was great at diffusing the fights that were continually threatening to break out on the back seat ( Ms Shuttergirl, hopefully with your children being older you won't have the same problem!).

Hahaha, the fighting just gets louder as they get older

I say go for it!

Disclaimer...this is coming from someone who travels frequently with both parents or parents-in-laws! We get along well with each other and because we've lived with both sets of parents, we are very comfortable around each other (sometimes too shamelessly so...). It doesn't mean that we don't irritate each or that we don't argue but we let it all out and we are open and honest about expectations.

A few others have already mentioned some great tips to avoid misunderstanding and arguments. eg outlining clear expectations of who is to pay for what, what sort of holiday you want to have, making sure everyone is happy with sleeping arrangements, etc We are all comfortable sharing the same room so it helps with costs in cities which aren't cheap! Parents are also happy to sleep with the grandchildren. Yay!!!

Also I find that giving others the opportunity for their own time and space helps. I usually tell those travelling with me what I will be doing on the day, and that I would love for them to join me but I won't be offended if they would prefer to do something else. There are also some things which I would like to do with just our family (very few) which I tell them very early on and they are usually cool with that.

I personally have loved it for many reasons. For one, its great fun! It is so nice to share experiences with family members, to have them right there next to you seeing and feeling the same things as you are. The children LOVE it, as do the parents and the in-laws. They really do find it special being able to travel with the grandchildren, and showing them the world. As a result, they are usually more than happy to do things for the parents...like babysitting for nice dinners out or watching shows!

The memories and experiences are priceless and far outweigh any minor inconveniences or moments of angst! As for logistics, yes it is a bit harder but not impossible. And seeing as you're going to the states rather than Europe, it is definitely easier to organise, and not too much more expensive! Come talk to me...master of travelling with hordes.

I like that you set the ground rules from the start Shushh by saying this is what I'm doing. If you like, please join us and if you'd rather do something else we won't mind. I like that very much.

That is really thoughtful of you to include you MIL at a difficult time. It sounds like you have a healthy communicative relationship with her. But I will offer a slightly different perspective. She may not want to go away. She may just want to stay at home in familiar surroundings.

If I were to take my mum I'd be looking at making sure she had a room separate from us (or in a 2br place) for the first few nights, so those first days when everybody is a bit feral and emotions are heightened, you can all have a little space.

We struggled in Canada (Vancouver) to find what we were looking for (we also lik to have a stove if we're staying for a few days). We ended up booking VRBO for our 11 days in Vancouver. We arrive in Van on Thursday, so don't know how it is yet! But the cost per night was about $130 for the same product as $250 commercial.

And if you didn't see the link I posted earlier http://sixsuitcasetravel.com/

As for hire cars, we always get a Chrysler Town and Country. So much room (even with all our bags), under floor storage and a reversing camera

Ame - you are absolutely correct. There is a very good chance she may not wish to come. Probably a more than 50% chance. I just want to be sure of how my DH and I feel about it before even offering up the idea.

Thanks for that website link.

 

[alicia1506]

i think this is a beautiful and touching idea, and the fact that you are entertaining the idea is really lovely.

i haven't travelled with the inlaws (and i agree with pp, i would rather be shot!) but when the three of us (me, carlo and my sis, trina) all went to the usa for 3 x action filled weeks, a somewhat similar situation had occured in trina's life (not a death per se, and not such a horrible battle as your FIL is dealing with -- love and hugs to you all -- but a terrible and violent end to a relationship) and we were very conscious of giving trina her space and making her feel included. we spent all our time and energy on what she wanted/needed and how certain actions/activities would affect her -- not her fault, we were overly concerned etc, but so much so that when i came back i felt i'd run an emotional marathon and spent the whole trip managing her feelings/needs/expectations etc and i was an emotional mess. lol.

my only recommendation is make sure you get some 'you' time on the trip too. mums are used to being everything to everyone. make sure you take some time for yourself and some alone time with your hubby to ensure you get some special vacation time too

other than that, i think it's a lovely and beautiful plan.

 

[Ms. Shuttergirl]

i think this is a beautiful and touching idea, and the fact that you are entertaining the idea is really lovely.

i haven't travelled with the inlaws (and i agree with pp, i would rather be shot!) but when the three of us (me, carlo and my sis, trina) all went to the usa for 3 x action filled weeks, a somewhat similar situation had occured in trina's life (not a death per se, and not such a horrible battle as your FIL is dealing with -- love and hugs to you all -- but a terrible and violent end to a relationship) and we were very conscious of giving trina her space and making her feel included. we spent all our time and energy on what she wanted/needed and how certain actions/activities would affect her -- not her fault, we were overly concerned etc, but so much so that when i came back i felt i'd run an emotional marathon and spent the whole trip managing her feelings/needs/expectations etc and i was an emotional mess. lol.

my only recommendation is make sure you get some 'you' time on the trip too. mums are used to being everything to everyone. make sure you take some time for yourself and some alone time with your hubby to ensure you get some special vacation time too

other than that, i think it's a lovely and beautiful plan.

Alicia, that is a very interesting point and a side to this whole situation that I hadn't completely considered. I have to say my MIL is one of the most amazingly strong women I have ever met and I am sure she is going to blow us all away with how she copes with everything about to come. She already has blown us away through the journey so far.